airplanewishes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
airplanewishes) wrote2011-03-23 04:48 pm
airplanewishes) wrote2011-03-23 04:48 pm
Entry tags:
[PG-13] Choices and Regrets
Title: Choices and Regrets
Character(s): KyuHae, ninja!EunHae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Life
Type: One-shot
Character(s): KyuHae, ninja!EunHae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Life
Type: One-shot
The people we learned to love, we never really forget.
They leave imprints in our soul, create dents and imperfections in our hearts.
Some returned our feelings and some did not.
Some caressed our soul, some made a feather-like touch.
In the end, they all made us human.
Maybe imperfect, maybe tainted with a past we’d rather forget, but who cares?
What matters is that we learn and we loved.
That’s how each of us will be measured in the end.
From Eternally by Nica
They leave imprints in our soul, create dents and imperfections in our hearts.
Some returned our feelings and some did not.
Some caressed our soul, some made a feather-like touch.
In the end, they all made us human.
Maybe imperfect, maybe tainted with a past we’d rather forget, but who cares?
What matters is that we learn and we loved.
That’s how each of us will be measured in the end.
From Eternally by Nica
Kyuhyun thinks it’s the sound of the clanging of the bells or the hymn of the songs, or the happy murmuring of the crowd gathered. It could probably be the overbearing color white surrounding him or the scattered lilies everywhere he turned, or the glistening smiles wherever he turned.
He really isn’t sure if it’s one or none of those things or all of them combined. But whatever it was, it made him want to get out of there in a flash. He decides that he would rather go bungee jumping or skydiving or whatever it is that adrenaline rush freaks enjoys doing, jumping off bridges and airplanes. He decides that he would rather just feel like he was dying rather than standing there and actually dying.
This simple analogy seals the decision for him. That and all the worried looks—that was a euphemism, in his book anyway, for pitying—that he is getting from the people surrounding him. It doesn’t matter whether there would be words of disapproval and murmurs of discontent that would follow him around. He is one of the groom—or bride’s—most important friends, after all. And important friends don’t leave in the middle of such life-changing events.
He was halfway out the door, when a hand on his wrist stops him.
And for a second, the world freezes.
For a second, he forgets where he was and forgets what he wanted to do in the first place. The original plan was to get out, leave, and never look back. But the hand that was now on his own reminds him of all those times that he never got out, never left and always looked back.
Against his will, he looks up and meets the chocolate brown eyes that he always thought was the most beautiful in the world. It was those chocolate brown eyes that made him will himself to accept the circumstances that fate—or his management—had brought him. It was those chocolate brown eyes that made him believe in so many other things that he didn’t believe in, including himself.
“You’re not… leaving?”
It is a question, but not really.
It is more of a selfish statement that says, “Don’t go. Stay.”
He still remembers how those two short sentences forced him into a decision that he hadn’t known he had done.
It is a cold evening in China. They were set to get up early the next day, but he was awake, playing a game on his PSP in a room that wasn’t his own. Siwon, who also couldn’t sleep, decided he was going to go jogging. The other occupant, meanwhile, is on the sofa, seemingly watching TV.
He had just got beaten in his game and was about to yell in rage when his hyung suddenly lets out a sigh, stands up and walks over to the window overlooking the city of Beijing. And he just knows what he was thinking.
“They miss you, too, hyung,” he tells him as he restarts his game.
“Do you ever think about being forgotten, Kyu?” he’s asked, still looking out of the window, at the building lights.
“We’re going back next week,” is his response. “No one’s going to forget you.”
“What about after all of this is over then?” he then questions so innocently and yet so painfully that he was forced to stop his game all together and look up at him.
“This,” he repeats inquiringly.
“This,” his hyung echoes emphatically, gesturing around. “All this singing and fame is bound to end some time. Aren’t you afraid that we’re going to be forgotten? That we’re going to forget?”
He finally stands up and is immediately by his side in an instant. The smaller male looks at him through those chocolate brown eyes, draws him in and makes him do something he had never done off the stage or out of the camera’s view before. He hugs him tight.
He isn’t the affectionate type. He isn’t a fan of holding hands or hugging or even pats on the back, especially among men. Which was why he initially thought being thrust into a group of men, who were too affectionate for his taste, was a curse on him. But him, with his chocolate brown eyes and his arrestingly innocent smile, made him think twice about his reservations for being a part of that group, like he makes him think twice about everything that he doesn’t believe in.
“No one’s going to forget you,” he muttered onto his hyung’s hair. “No one could even if they tried.”
“I don’t mean the fans. I meant—.”
“I know what you meant. And I repeat, no one could forget you even if they tried.”
They stay like that for a while.
All long limbs and awkwardness and all muscle and joy, in a not-so-ordinary embrace.
When he realizes this with a jolt, he gently pulls away. “You should get some sleep,” he told him, turning to walk to the door. “Siwon hyung’s probably going to be back from his jog soon.”
“Siwonnie’s probably sleeping in Hangeng hyung’s room. He has a bigger bed.”
“More quiet for you then,” he states with a soft chuckle.
“Kyu,” he hears his name being called, reaching for his wrist, looking at him expressively.
It was unsaid, but it was there.
Don’t go. Stay.
Kyuhyun realizes for the first time in years that he shouldn’t have stayed. Because, despite the fact that he had some of the best times of his life, staying made him question a lot of things and made him confused. Staying made him fall hard with no guarantees of being caught. Staying made him cry.
~ * ~
The ceremony is over. Guests start filing out of the hall, talking to each other, and saying how beautiful everything was. The ceremony was beautiful, which is why Kyuhyun is surprised beyond belief that he is still standing, his heart still beating. It is interesting to him how dying in this sense meant living with the consequences of certain stupid choices made months ago.
“You don’t look so good,” a voice to his right says as a matter-of-factly as they stood in front to have a group picture taken.
“Mhmm,” he mutters nonsensically like he always does when comments about his looks are made.
“You know this would never have happened if—,” another voice starts to say and is silenced by the look that the other member gives him.
He ignores both of them as his heart clenches in pain and as he struggles to smile to the camera. He clasps his hands together to force them to stop shaking as he is once again burdened with the reality of what was happening.
He knows that he could have prevented this day from ever happening. But fear got the best of him and he made a choice. It seems that love doesn’t conquer all. Love didn’t conquer his fear, after all.
And he continues to be afraid. Because love isn’t something that he is used to. Love makes him need and want people to be constantly around. Loves makes him want to be needed. Love makes him feel overwhelmed and makes him cry. He doesn’t like not being in control of himself and love does that to him. He loses control.
Needing him, wanting him and loving him are firsts in his life. Because he stayed that night, he fell in love and he thought his feelings were reciprocated because of his deeds and affections. But there is only so much that actions can do.
Words are needed to seal deeds and affections of love. And he never did hear that from him. So the fear stayed. The fear eventually took over. He had walked away, too late and quite unnecessarily.
The photos are taken and the people, who are the most important to the bride and the groom, start walking out of the hallowed hall, all in high spirits.
He looks straight ahead towards the huge entrance longingly and the forgotten decision of going out, leaving and not looking back seemed more appealing than ever. It is something he should have done that night in China. If he had, everyone would have been better off.
He takes a step forward, almost tasting the freedom from the suffocation of the bliss that wasn’t his, when he is stopped.
“I’m happy you’re here.”
“Congratulations, hyung,” is all he can say.
He turns to leave. But he is stopped once more.
“I will take care of him.” He stammers and shifts in his stance in a funny way that only Hyukjae can do. He meets his eyes. “I will take care of him like you did and more.”
He can only nod; words are caught up in his throat.
“Are you staying for the—?”
“I can’t,” he interrupts him.
“He was hoping to talk to you afterwards,” Hyukjae quietly says, glancing behind him.
Kyuhyun follows his gaze, suddenly locking eyes with those chocolate brown orbs once more. He looks away before he makes the choice to stay again.
He shakes his head. “I can’t. I can’t stay anymore.”
Hyukjae looks at him, a rare sadness in his eyes, knowing that this is probably going to be the last time they would see each other.
“He did—does—love you,” Hyukjae shares softly. “He loved you the way you wanted him to.” He looks at Kyuhyun, who made a quiet coughing sound, bending his head down. But they both know that there are tears in his eyes. “He just never said it because he wasn’t sure it was what you wanted.”
For the third and final time, he looks up and meets Donghae’s eyes.
Lee Donghae, who was his first friend in the company, who made him at ease by smiling at him, who made him laugh incessantly. Lee Donghae, who believed in aliens, Santa Claus and destiny. Lee Donghae, whom he loved… and loved him in return.
The regret washes over him like a tidal wave one year in the making. He realizes his mistake. Donghae loved him the way he loved him. He then remembers that he never said he loved him, too, and so the fault lies on him because he never said anything and he walked away.
He had gotten out and had left pointlessly.
And he was always going to look back, now that he knows the what-ifs and what might have beens.
He doesn’t remember who rubs his back and speaks to him in hushed and comforting tones as he spewed out all the contents of his stomach at the empty parking lot beside the church.
All he remembers is the choice he made, the regret he feels, and how he is never going to forget.
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But I'm really affected by the what-if's and the what-might-have-been's. We make choices and then we wonder about what would happen if... T___T
That's sad.
“No one’s going to forget you,” he muttered onto his hyung’s hair. “No one could even if they tried.”
“I don’t mean the fans. I meant—.”
“I know what you meant. And I repeat, no one could forget you even if they tried.” T______________________________T
This is a job well done, dear~ ^__^
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This is amazing and beautiful as it is but I would really like to know what happens to them eventually? So.. sequel please? Hehe.
Thank you for writing this! Loved it! <3
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But, to give you an idea, they don't see each other for a long time. Kyuhyun couldn't accept what had happened, what he had helped happen, for a while and he had to get away. Years later, though, they continue the friendship.
I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for reading! :)
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no subject