maybe you'll let me borrow your heart (1/2)

[airplanewishes]

maybe you'll let me borrow your heart
EXO | Chen/Baekhyun | PG-13 | 60.2k~
Romance
Jongdae wants to be inside Baekhyun's heart, even if Baekhyun might only want to get into Jongdae's pants.

Originally written for exorbitantly.



“On your mark… Go!”

Jongdae is grateful that Chanyeol doesn’t do his best imitation of the starting horn for swimming competitions, and takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes shut for a second before jumping into the water. He doesn’t need the distraction, although it helps calm his nerves. He barely creates a splash as his body slides into the pool with practiced precision. Counting to five, he breaks to the surface, lifting his right arm and his head to the side to breathe in before ducking his head back into the water along with his hand and arm, and glides through the water like clockwork.

The feel of chlorinated water against his skin is something he’s gotten used to and something that he’s almost started to crave for. He especially likes it when the water is biting cold that it makes his palms itch, make his body shiver enough to push him to move faster. If anything, it’s the freezing temperature that pushes him to reach the finish line.

At the end of the pool, Jongdae taps the wall and turns into a tumble, blowing bubbles through his nose, then kicks his legs, feet touching the wall to push off to finish on the other end of the pool where he dove off. He gets a head rush as he makes his way back, adrenaline kicking like it does whenever he gets to the last lap of a swim, his arms and feet going into overdrive of their own volition. In a couple of seconds, he reaches the end, tapping the wall with a flourish. Jongdae ducks his head back into the water several times as he treads, blowing bubbles out of his nose as a part of his routine. When he lifts his head back up, Chanyeol is already sitting down on the starting block of his lane.

“Well?” Jongdae asks as he takes his goggles and swim cap off.

“42.01,” Chanyeol tells him, looking at the black stopwatch in his hand before looking at Jongdae. He shakes his head in disbelief. “Man, you can almost swim with the fishes with this speed.”

Jongdae laughs as he pulls himself up on the ledge, running a hand through his wet hair. “Almost,” he says. He sits on the gutter, staring at the now still waters of the 50-meter pool. It’s hard to imagine himself swimming only two years ago. Now it almost feels like home. “But I’m not quite there yet.” His times may be above the benchmark but it’s not enough to garner him a place on the podium.

Chanyeol scoffs. “You’re too hard on yourself,” he gently teases him. “You’re in one of the best universities in the country, all because of your swimming.” He shakes his head. “Man, I don’t know why I ever thought we could go to the same university together,” he continues. “We clearly have different paths in life.”

“Why do you sound so pensive?” Jongdae shoves him a little and Chanyeol complains of his arm getting wet. But he understands what Chanyeol is saying. They’ve known each other since they were young kids and, like Chanyeol, he also thought that they would be going to the same school until they graduate from school completely. “When do you move into your dorm?”

Jongdae had settled into his dorm room, his roommate still absent, the night before. Chanyeol, as he had promised, had helped him move in, bringing in all the clothing he would need and his personal effects. Jongdae doesn’t really have too many things to bring, anyway. All he really needs is proper clothing and his books. And his swimming gear.

“Day after tomorrow,” Chanyeol says, leaning back on his arms. “I can’t believe I’m going to be studying something that I’ve always thought was just a hobby.” The gutter is rough under his palms as he leans onto them even more, looking up at the ceiling of the swimming area. “It’s nice, isn’t it? Going to college for something we both want to do?” He looks at Jongdae.

Chanyeol’s smile is contented and expectant so Jongdae nods, chuckling. “You know what they say, ‘you should do what you love and love what you do’. I guess we’re just lucky,” Jongdae says.

“I still wish we were studying in the same university,” Chanyeol continues. “It would’ve been so much more fun cramming for things when you’re around, you know? At least I know you’re going to slap the back of my head for not doing my work.”

“Like you need anyone to tell you to draw things,” Jongdae retorts, rolling his eyes. Chanyeol has been drawing ever since Jongdae met him. He’s always had a pencil and a drawing book in hand because he always got that urge to sketch. Now, going to art school is truly a dream for his best friend. Chanyeol really is lucky to be doing something that he loves, Jongdae thinks.

“It’s not always going to be drawing, you know,” Chanyeol counters. “There’s theory and technique.” He sighs. “I don’t know why there has to be standards for everything, even art. I mean, art is art. It’s free expression.” Jongdae just laughs and Chanyeol makes a face at him. “Anyway, your dad would have been so proud and so excited for you,” he adds, nudging Jongdae, not caring this time if his sleeve gets wet. “First Jongdeok, and now you. Your mom must be the proudest. Two architects and two swimmers in the family.”

“Jongdeok doesn’t swim anymore, you forget,” Jongdae comments gently. “But yeah, mom is happy, which is more than I could ask of her.”

His mother hasn’t really been the same ever since their father died. Jongdae doesn’t remember much of it; he was only seven years old. All he remembers is that his mother, usually always cheerful and upbeat, had become more subdued. Her smiles had become rare and all Jongdae really wants is for her to be happy again. Doing this, going to university for architecture, on scholarship for swimming, does exactly that.

It makes Jongdae nervous how much is expected of him with his swimming. His brother was the athletic one between the two of them. While Jongdeok was the life of every party, Jongdae was more of a homebody, preferring to stay at the sidelines and observe. But he has gotten into swimming and has made a name for himself. Jongdae’s still not the best, but he is getting there. The bottom half of Division 1 swimming isn’t bad at all. He just needs to exert more effort, and that’s exactly what he’s been working on by making Chanyeol get his times for him before the actual team time trials.

Jongdae pushes himself off the ground and stands on the starting block, putting his goggles and swim cap back on. “I’m going to go again,” he tells Chanyeol, who restarts the stopwatch.

“On your mark… Go!”

Jongdae dives.










Jongdae shakes his hands as he watches the members of the team trickle into the swimming pool area. He’s sitting on the farthest end of the bleachers, pretending to be busy with his phone, even though all he’s doing is go through his photos. Chanyeol has been sending him a flurry of pictures of his university, his dormitory, the sidewalk, the trees, everything and anything that excites him. Jongdae can’t help but shake his head and smile at how ridiculous Chanyeol is in finding something interesting in everything. It must be the artist in Chanyeol manifesting, always seeing things and details that no one else really sees. Just like how the guy who has just walked in is all long lines, gentle but sinewy. Or how the guy who followed after him is all dark shading, not because of his color, but because of the intensity that emanates from him.

No one really speaks to Jongdae even though he does get curious looks. The team forms into small groups, the girls mixing with the boys, and Jongdae wonders how long it would take for him to be a part of that tightly knit group, how long it would take for him to be comfortable all over again.

When he first joined the swimming team in high school, the same one that his brother swam with, Jongdae felt so nervous that he threw up in the bathroom right before the coach was to introduce him to his teammates. His stomach was in knots at the thought of getting back outside to meet people he wouldn’t have met had the circumstances been different. But his brother was there, the same person who looked so happy that he was there, had made Jongdae wipe his mouth and face the music.

Right now, all Jongdae can think of is how his mother had texted him that morning, wishing him luck because Jongdeok had told her about the time trials, the thought of which stills sends his stomach lurching.

The time trials are done at the start of every school year, which is also the start of the college swimming season, to assess each member’s speed and capability. Jongdae has been through this before; having time trials was a norm in his high school, but this—this is university, a bigger league. University swimming is competitive in a way that high school has never been. College swimming means competing with other schools in the whole country, means nationwide and, eventually, hopefully, international recognition. It’s that magnitude that scares Jongdae.

The coach arrives shortly, and everyone falls into silence as he looks them over. After a couple of seconds, his eyes fall on Jongdae. The coach then nods at him and Jongdae feels relief wash over him that he wasn’t called to go in front and introduce himself. This is college, after all, and it is time trials. Jongdae supposes that a lot of the people in the team are new.

Jongdae pays attention to the coach’s words as he discusses the format of the time trials. They will start with the 400-meter freestyle and individual medley events as representative of the long distance events, followed by the 200-meter events, mid-distance ones before going into the sprints. Women first, then the men. There’s going to be a break before going into the sprints as to maximize everyone’s energies. Jongdae strategizes in his head and decides that he’s going to go for the 400M, as well as the butterfly and freestyle 200 and 100-meter events, and then all the sprints. He needs to pull out all the stops if he’s going to make a mark.

As soon as the coach stops speaking, moving on to ask if anyone has questions, there’s a rustle by the entrance, followed by a man running, gym bag over his shoulder. He drops his bag to the floor just as he squeezes himself in between the long, sinewy guy and the one who followed after him coming in.

“You’re late again, Baekhyun,” the coach says, warning evident in his tone.

“Aww, c’mon, Donghae,” Baekhyun replies with much familiarity that startles Jongdae. “It’s just time trials. Besides, I’ve been present every day during the summer.”

“And you were always late,” Donghae emphasizes.

Jongdae watches as Baekhyun continues to rebut everything that their coach is saying, wondering why he can do so. The rest of the team laugh at the exchange and Jongdae just has to be amused at how normal this must be for them.

“Baekhyun’s brother is friends with coach,” the girl seated closest to him says, eyes on her phone. Her eyebrows are furrowed as she tries to figure out the answer to her 4 pics, 1 word question. “Baekhyun gets away with a lot of things, which he thinks is because of that. But really, he gets away with a lot because he’s one of the best new swimmers that’s joining the team this year.” She finally locks her phone, unable to answer, and looks at him with a smile. “I’m Soojung,” she introduces herself.

“Jongdae,” he answers with a nod. “So just how good is he?” He nods towards Baekhyun, who’s finally settled into his seat, head resting on the shoulder of the guy beside him.

“The question really isn’t how good he is,” Soojung says, looking at him with a slight tilt on her head. “But just how good are you.” She studies him for a second longer before she winks. “I guess we’ll find out.”

Soojung gets up and picks up her bag, heading towards the locker rooms like everyone else. Jongdae finishes changing last, the others probably having worn their swimsuits underneath their clothing. He takes deep breaths as he exits the locker room. This isn’t his first time trial, but with the way Jongdae’s nerves are shot to the ceiling, it might as well be. He knows that it’s all in his head. Jongdae won’t be there if Donghae hadn’t seen some sort of potential in Jongdae. He won’t have gotten a scholarship if they didn’t think he had it in him to make the university proud. Jongdae supposes those are the reasons why he’s so stressed over mere time trials. They’re there for evaluation and ranking, not a judgment on whether he gets to stay or leave.

Taking another deep breath, he makes his way towards the pool where the rest of the team is stretching. Some of them are already in the water, splashing each other. Soojung is doing arm stretches with another girl with dark, shoulder-length hair. Baekhyun seems to be doing no stretching at all, just lazily smiling at a tall, broad-shouldered and strict-looking guy as he does lunges.

“Hi.” Jongdae is startled, almost tripping backwards, but a hand holds him in place. He follows the hand upwards, showing a genial and handsome face. “I’m Joonmyun,” he continues. “I’m the team captain.”

“Jongdae,” he introduces himself the same way he did with Soojung.

“Let me introduce you to the rest of the team,” Joonmyun says. “Better to get it over with now rather than later.”

Jongdae gets shuffled in the midst of the members stretching, all graciously pausing to acknowledge him. Some of them stop to ask question about which high school he came from and how he got scouted, while some just immediately go back to stretching, obviously meaning business.

The time trials go by in a flash, the 400-meter events the only ones taking a bit more time than the rest. This team clearly has things in order. Jongdae has trained and competed with whom he thought were skilled swimmers. Clearly, college swimming is truly a whole new arena. Each of his new teammates is good at all the events, but excels in specific ones. Jongdae watches as Soojung swam an impressive 50.97 seconds for 100-meter butterfly and is floored when Jinri does 50.80 for her 100-meter backstroke. It isn’t even a surprise anymore when Joonmyun finishes his 200-meter freestyle with 1:20.65 on the clock or when Minseok clocks in with 44.73 on his 100-meter butterfly. Kyungsoo, who turns out to be his roommate, even finishes with 1:41.19 for his 200-meter individual medley. They’re all amazing, especially when Baekhyun swims the 400-meter freestyle in only 3 minutes and 9 seconds.

Jongdae decides to linger in the pool area, even when everyone’s starting to leave. Donghae had talked to him earlier and congratulated him on making the team and told Jongdae that he’s excited to see what he can do for them and for the university. Such big words that don’t really make the nerves go away, although it is nice to receive praise for something he’s working hard on. His new teammates smile at him and acknowledge him, knowing that they really hadn’t paid him any attention earlier, each focused on their own times.

“You’re not leaving yet?” Kris, a hell of a breaststroker with his huge hands, comes up to him. “Some of us are going to get some food.”

Jongdae smiles, noticing the way Baekhyun is hanging off of Kris’s arm, tugging on it so they can leave already. He shakes his head. “I’m okay,” he says.

“He’s not interested so let’s go,” Baekhyun tells Kris, winking at Jongdae.

“Okay,” Kris sighs. “See you at practice then.” He then slings an arm around Baekhyun and they leave the pool together.

When the pool area is empty, quiet and echoing, Jongdae slumps down on his bag in some form of relief. With the coach’s recognition, he thinks he’s done pretty well during the time trials. He opens the notepad on his phone and goes through the times he got that morning. They’re not bad, pretty good actually. It must have been the pressure and the nerves. Locking his phone, he just lays there, looking up at the lighted ceiling.

This isn’t so bad. Swimming for four years won’t be so bad.










College parties consist of barely enough food, lots of booze and really loud music. Jongdae tries to listen as Kyungsoo talks to him amidst the noise of boisterous laughter and Kanye West rapping in the background. All he can see is Kyungsoo’s mouth opening and closing but nothing he says makes Jongdae stop wondering why he even went to this party in the first place. Apparently, it’s tradition to party hard like they’re on the brink of summer break the night of the first day of classes. Kyungsoo told him it’s a sign of school spirit. How could Jongdae say no to that?

They weave themselves in and out of the crowd until Kyungsoo finds what he’s looking for: the other members of the swimming team. Jongdae should really start getting used to the fact that Chanyeol isn’t going to be his only friend anymore. It may have sufficed practically talking only to Chanyeol in his younger years, despite the fact that he did join the swimming team in high school, before he thought that it was going to be more permanent in his life.

They’re given a rowdy welcome, Soojung draping herself all over Kyungsoo, who gets the bottle of beer in her hands and takes a sip, while the rest try to shove Jongdae three different drinks all at once. Jongdae decides to take the beer that Minseok is offering him instead. Minseok is a junior, therefore his senior, and he thinks that if there’s anyone he shouldn’t piss off, it’s him.

Jongdae gets left alone after that. Kyungsoo becomes busy with Soojung, while Minseok, Victoria and Taeyeon get into some sort of discussion about their first competition that’s going to happen in a few weeks. Jongdae takes a swig of his beer and tries not to listen to the conversation. He’d really rather not think of swimming, even though he is hanging out with teammates, while he’s at a party where supposedly nothing else matters but getting wasted. He’s never really been one for parties, but he supports forgetting stresses in life every once in a while.

“Are you okay?” Zitao, another freshman, asks him, nudging him lightly. He’s tall, almost as tall as Kris, Jongdae remembers him as that guy he described with dark shading, walking in after Sehun.

“Fine,” Jongdae says.

Zitao chuckles. “You look like you’re ready to get out of here,” he says.

Jongdae looks around and turns back to him, shrugging. “This isn’t really my thing,” he admits and Zitao laughs.

“I can tell,” he says, chugging down his beer. “But you know this is a good way to make friends.”

“How come you guys all know each other already?” Jongdae asks, referring to the other team members. It’s something he’s been curious about since time trials. He kept wondering how it was that they were already so familiar with each other.

“I’ve known Sehun and Joonmyun before university. But we’ve all trained together over the summer,” Zitao explains. “I think it’s because coach saw you late that you didn’t get to.”

Jongdae nods. That makes sense. Training together over the summer would explain why they’re already so bonded and so attuned to each other. Jongdae wonders what it would have been like if he already trained with them over the summer, if he hadn’t resisted even for a second, even just subtly.

“Don’t worry,” Zitao adds. “You’ll get used to it, get used to us. Everyone’s really nice, even Kris whom you think would be mean enough to eat someone.” He nods to someone behind Jongdae and he turns to see Kris talking seriously to Joonmyun. There’s a lingering thought in Jongdae’s head, wondering where Baekhyun is because the last time he saw them, he was clinging onto Kris. “Or Yuri,” he adds as an afterthought, shuddering a little. Although Jongdae thinks that it’s more with pleasure, rather than fear. “Everyone’s really nice, but they’re also all very focused when it comes to swimming.”

“How did you get into it?” Jongdae asks him, putting down his now empty bottle of beer on the nearest table. Not even the slightest bit tipsy, he grabs another beer and starts drinking it. He doesn’t drink often but, surprisingly, he has a pretty good tolerance for alcohol.

“How does one get into something?” Zitao chuckles, grabbing another beer himself. He waves at someone who walks past before turning to Jongdae. “I originally wanted to be a diver,” he shares. “I saw this competition on television and saw how cool it was to jump off things at such a height and make it into an art. I knew immediately that I wanted to do it.”

“What happened?” Jongdae asks, brows furrowed.

“My mom didn’t want me jumping off things,” Zitao explains with a fond smile. “She was so scared I was going to kill myself. So we got into a compromise, after a long time of fighting, mind you, and I got into swimming.” Jongdae gives him an incredulous look. How was that a compromise? Zitao laughs. “I know what you must be thinking,” he assures Jongdae. “But it’s really not that bad. Swimming gives a different feeling than diving. While diving is all precision and grace, swimming is all about speed, stamina and endurance. I ended up enjoying swimming more than I thought I would have. Now I can’t imagine living without it.”

Jongdae smiles, nodding as if he understands Zitao, who’s turned away to chat with Jinri. But really he can’t understand. How could he have given up something he’s expressed so clearly his interest in? And how could his mom take that away from him? Granted that she was concerned for his safety, that was still his dream. She didn’t even let Zitao try it. Jongdae drinks what’s left of his beer and finishes it in one go.

“I would never have pegged you for a drinker.”

Baekhyun is grinning at him, dark lashes fluttering against his rosy cheeks, pink lips spread into a smile, showing his perfectly even white teeth. Jongdae looks at him in amusement as he tries to keep himself upright, but ends up leaning against Jongdae.

“And I never would have pegged you for a lightweight,” Jongdae teases, putting an arm around Baekhyun’s waist to support him. The familiarity between them makes him feel slightly awkward but Jongdae doesn’t have it in him to let Baekhyun go.

“I’m not a lightweight.” Baekhyun pouts and Jongdae can’t help but laugh. “Juuuuust a little tipsy,” he insists, making his pointer finger and thumb touch to emphasize his point. “Besides, this is a party. You should get trashed at party and make-out like there’s no tomorrow.”

Jongdae’s eyebrows disappear under his bangs. “So who are you making out with, then?”

Baekhyun gives him a coy look, lower lip in between his teeth. “I don’t know,” he starts, lifting a hand to place it at the back of Jongdae’s neck, playing with his hair. “Who do you think I should make out with?”

Jongdae swallows, a bit more nervously than he would have liked. He’s rarely ever affected by the come ons that he gets, but Baekhyun is incredibly forward and Jongdae can’t say that Baekhyun isn’t attractive or that he isn’t flattered that Baekhyun’s directed any attention towards him at all. He smirks then glances around the room.

“You can have your pick of the litter,” Jongdae tells him.

Baekhyun laughs, head tilting back. “You’re cute,” he tells him, fingers still playing with Jongdae’s hair. “Very cute.”

“Baekhyun, are you flirting with the new kid already?” Soojung calls, laughter in her voice.

Baekhyun opens his mouth to retort but before he can get a word out, Sehun is swooping in and taking him out of Jongdae’s arms. Baekhyun hiccups then giggles, while Sehun just looks fondly annoyed.

“Sorry,” Sehun tells Jongdae. “He’s a pain. I’ll get him off your hands.”

“Oh,” Jongdae is quick to defend. “It’s no problem. It’s fine.” He watches as Baekhyun wraps both his arms around Sehun’s neck and nuzzles his face into his throat, only looking away when Sehun and Baekhyun have disappeared.

“You should watch out for Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says, suddenly appearing at his side.

Jongdae tries not to look affected, taking a casual sip of his beer. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that moths shouldn’t play with fire but they do anyway and die,” Kyungsoo explains. Jongdae looks in the direction where Sehun and Baekhyun had disappeared. “And Baekhyun is fire.”










The sound of Donghae’s whistle echoes and everyone swims back to the other end to go and shower. It’s been a long practice for all of them. With their first competition drawing nearer, Donghae is pushing them more with the team giving all out during training, pushing themselves more, even when the tiredness overwhelms them. Jongdae, himself, has never pushed himself this hard during training before. But he finds himself doing more than he normally would, spending more of his time perfecting his strokes so that they don’t become a problem when he goes for speed. This is why he stays behind after practice hours so he could work on them himself.

No one has really questioned him about it before. Most of the team has gotten used to seeing him stay behind, letting him have his extra swimming time. That evening, though, when Jongdae stops for a breath, he sees Baekhyun sitting cross-legged on the starting block next to his lane, bag on his lap.

“What are you still doing here?” Jongdae asks, treading a couple of meters away. Baekhyun is watching him contemplatively before smiling. He doesn’t ask where Kris is.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Baekhyun shoots back.

“I need to practice,” Jongdae simply states. “I need to catch up. I haven’t gotten in as much training as you guys did over the summer.” The and it shows hangs in the air, unsaid.

“Go again,” Baekhyun says, taking his bag off and dropping it to the ground. He takes his mobile phone out, fiddling with it for a second, before looking back up at Jongdae. “I’ll time you.”

Jongdae gets off the pool and climbs the starting block. He isn’t sure why he’s suddenly taking direction from Baekhyun or why they’re even talking when they haven’t exchanged any more words after the party. All he knows that Baekhyun can easily be the best swimmer on the team and it would do Jongdae good to listen to him. He takes his mark and dives when Baekhyun gives him the go signal.

Jongdae exerts more effort because Baekhyun is watching. Baekhyun whose eyes seem sleepy but are really attentive, seeing almost everything. Jongdae remembers how Baekhyun had called Joonmyun out on his breathing technique, his head lifting too high therefore impeding speed, without caring how it sounded. At the end of the day, everyone is grateful for any form of critique. It’s for the good of the team.

When Jongdae finally touches the wall, he lifts his head up to find Baekhyun looking at him. Baekhyun glances at his phone before placing it on his lap and resting his chin on his palm. “You have to extend your arm when you put it back in the water,” he advises.

“You’re not going to tell me how I did?” Jongdae asks, chuckling a little.

Baekhyun waves his hand dismissively, while making sure that his phone doesn’t fall into the water. “We already know that you can swim fast,” he says. “What you want is to swim faster.” Jongdae agrees. “So, you need to extend your arm when it goes back into the water. Putting it back the way it’s curved when you pull it out decreases the amount of water you can weave in when you make a pull.” Jongdae watches with interest as Baekhyun demonstrates. “When you stretch your arm, under the water, your pull will be more powerful,” he finishes.

Jongdae dives again and tries it out. It’s not that different from what he used to do and therefore isn’t that difficult of a change to make. When he finishes, Baekhyun is grinning at him, telling him that his time has improved. Baekhyun tells him to go another time and Jongdae does.

“Well?” Jongdae asks when he gets back.

“On your turns,” Baekhyun suggests, pulling his lower lip in between his teeth in a way that reminds Jongdae clearly of Baekhyun propositioning him during the party. He looks away and stares at Baekhyun’s fingers instead. Also a bad idea, so Jongdae just looks at the gutter and takes a deep breath. “Don’t lift your head before doing the tumble turn. You’re slowing yourself down when the turn is supposed to make you not skip a beat.” Jongdae nods. “Breathe with a stroke right before you do the turn and that breath should be enough when you directly turn.”

As Jongdae swims again to try out what Baekhyun has suggested, he can’t help but think about how skilled Baekhyun really is, how much he knows about the sport and about how to improve his speed. He feels the privilege that comes with getting coaching from someone who knows what he’s talking about.

When Jongdae first started swimming, Jongdeok had been the one to advise him about his strokes, his dives, and his turns. It was frustrating for the both of them because Jongdeok knew too much, while Jongdae knew too little, and that had them clashing. Eventually, Jongdae just gave way to receiving what Jongdeok wanted to teach him. Jongdeok knew far more than he ever will and it wouldn’t help if he countered and grumbled at everything that Jongdeok said. The countering and grumbling came from a place no one really knows about but Jongdae has learned to keep that to himself. Jongdae has learned to be humble enough to listen to other people because they usually know what’s best.

Baekhyun claps when Jongdae finishes, his time apparently improving even more than the last time. Jongdae grins as he climbs up the gutter and takes his goggles and swim cap off. It feels good to be given such enthusiastic commendation from someone who seems so detached. Baekhyun always arrives to practice late, exchanging a few pleasantries with the team before diving into practice. When practice is over, Baekhyun is one of the first to leave, usually with Kris or Sehun or some other guy who picks him up.

“I used to think that competitive swimming was hard,” Baekhyun comments as he pockets his phone, ignoring how it buzzes. “I’ve always enjoyed it. I constantly asked my parents to take me to the beach or the nearest pool just so I could play in the water. When Donghae suggested to my brother that I try really swimming, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.” He looks at Jongdae, who’s listening attentively, enraptured by the fact that Baekhyun is sharing something with him without him having to ask. “You know how sometimes you don’t want to make your hobbies into something like a job because it might lose it’s magic? I kind of worried that swimming would end up like that for me. I didn’t want to end up hating swimming because it stopped becoming fun.”

“What happened then?” Jongdae asks, eyes tracing the way the light shines on Baekhyun’s face, dousing half of his face in shadows, half in the light. It’s a beautiful photograph. Jongdae’s fingers twitch, and he traces absent lines on his thigh.

“I loved it,” Baekhyun laughs. “Donghae accompanied me to his swimming club, where he had me swim against two other guys. All he told me was to swim the way I wanted to and to do it as fast as I could. I thought to myself, ‘I could do that’. It was easy to pretend that there were sharks swimming after me.” Jongdae laughs at this, surprised at how imaginative Baekhyun could be. “I finished last,” he continues, shaking his head. “But that rush, the adrenaline, I couldn’t forget it.”

Jongdae is fascinated by how the light in Baekhyun’s eyes when he talks about swimming doesn’t even dim for a second, fascinated by how sure he is that he loves swimming and how much he does. There doesn’t even seem to be a sign of doubt in his being that swimming is going to be something he’s going to do for a long time.

“My story is boring compared to yours,” Jongdae says when Baekhyun asks. “I was more of a spectator. I guess it’s true what they say that you can get into something just by being immersed in it through watching.”

Baekhyun laughs. “You sound like you’d rather be doing something else,” he teases.

“No, not really,” Jongdae is quick to say. “It’s not like that. I mean, I’ve been swimming for two years now, and I see what my swimming does to my mom and my brother, how it makes them happy and proud so, you know, it makes me happy, too.” Jongdae wishes that he could say he loves swimming as much as Baekhyun does, but he really can’t. Some passions can’t be matched.

Baekhyun is watching him with curiosity when Jongdae meets his eyes, like there’s something he’s trying to figure out, so Jongdae looks away. He’d rather not delve deeper into things that he’s never really talked about.

“I originally wanted to do something else,” Baekhyun suddenly states. “Like, you know how my major is film. I wanted to go indie and just travel around the world, making movies about everyday life.” He chuckles dryly. “That didn’t sound like a very smart decision so I dropped it. My parents have never been so relieved in their lives.”

“I would imagine that they’d be constantly worrying in which part of the world you’re in and if you’re still alive,” Jongdae says, laughing.

Baekhyun looks at him, brows slightly furrowed, before sighing and stretching. “It’s late,” he then announces, getting off the starting block and bending to pick up his bag.

Jongdae watches Baekhyun as he slings his bag over his shoulder and then looks at the pool. “I think I’m going to do a couple more laps, you know to practice what you’ve taught me,” he says, standing and placing his goggles back on, leaving his cap on the starting block.

Baekhyun purses his lips for a second before nodding. “You know,” he says just as he turns to leave, “everyone can see that you’re trying. You don’t have to force it.”

Before Jongdae can respond to that, Baekhyun is out of the gate.










Jongdae slumps forward, face buried in massive texts of architectural terminologies, managing not to let out a loud groan. He’s been studying consistently everyday ever since the first day of school, trying his best to keep up with all the theories he has to memorize and all the methods he has to keep in mind, but he is still behind. Getting into the architecture course, he knew that it was going to be more than just sketching, but it was enough to give Jongdae a push, knowing that there would still be some form of drawing. What he didn’t know was that this sketching was more than just drawing lines on a blank sheet of paper; it was all about measurement and accuracy, something he wasn’t really prepared for. Which doesn’t make sense because he knows that architecture is embedded into mathematics and science.

Lifting his head up, he glares at the margins of his book and grabs a pencil to erase all his doodles. Chanyeol had called a couple of minutes ago, making the library echo with EXO’s ‘Overdose.’ He’d scrambled to turn the ringer off before running outside to answer it. Chanyeol had gone to an art museum for a field trip and Jongdae had sighed as he sat on one of the benches outside the library, imagining the paintings that Chanyeol was describing. When Jongdae got back inside, he absentmindedly started drawing trees and flowers and faces that he’s now paying for because now he has to erase all of them.

He should really focus on his research. Gritting his teeth as he looks through where he’s stuck, Jongdae gets up to search for another text that he needs in order to help him understand the subject better. He goes through shelves and shelves of architecture-related books, glancing every now and then at the piece of paper where he’d written down the call number. He goes through several shelves before he finds the right one. When he turns the corner towards it, he freezes in his steps as he finds two figures huddled too close to each other at the end of the row.

They’re obviously making out and trying to hide it with how they’re trying not to breathe too loudly or laugh too giddily. Luckily the book that Jongdae is looking for is far away from the sneaky couple and he tries to search for the book as quickly and as quietly as he can. If it were Jongdae, he wouldn’t want to get disturbed.

Jongdae finds the book. Except that it’s on the third shelf and he has to tiptoe to get it. He stands there for a second, figuring out the best way he could get it without injuring himself and without making a noise. Couples making out in the library make it so hard to get books. Sighing inaudibly, he climbs on the lower shelf to get a leg up and stretches his arm, struggling to reach for the textbook that he needs. Just when he thinks he’s already got it, the book beside it gets pulled out in the process and falls to the floor with a loud thud.

“I’m so sorry,” Jongdae immediately says, getting down to grab the book off the floor. He doesn’t dare look at the couple, knowing it would be embarrassing for all of them. “I’ll just come back—“

“Jongdae?”

Jongdae whips his head up, knowing that voice, and sees Baekhyun staring at him with sharp eyes. Zitao is giggling, nuzzling at Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun and Zitao? What ever happened to Kris? Or Sehun? Baekhyun slaps Zitao’s arm and finally Zitao pushes himself off of Baekhyun and smiles at Jongdae apologetically.

“I’m really just going to come back later,” Jongdae tells them, not knowing what else to say. He glances up at the book, hanging out, and decides against getting it before he’s out of there.

Jongdae buries his face into his textbook once more. He’s not entirely sure why, but he’s slightly bothered by what he’s just witnessed. He thought that Baekhyun was with Kris, but then Sehun was the one he was hanging out with at the party. What was he doing making out with Zitao? This is all very baffling because they’re all in one team and… is Baekhyun dating all of them? Jongdae isn’t new to the idea of dating or the idea of playing around so he’s not sure why it bothers him. He doesn’t even know Baekhyun that well. They aren’t even really friends. Sighing, Jongdae decides to just focus on what he should be doing in the first place: learning about architecture and trying to find what it is that his dad and brother found so exciting about it.

Ten minutes later, Jongdae’s brain is still stuck on Baekhyun and Zitao making out. And how it strangely bothers him.

“You look productive,” Baekhyun remarks, slipping onto the empty seat beside his, a smirk on his face. Jongdae doesn’t say anything, even when Baekhyun places the book he’d been trying to get earlier on the table. “Sorry about earlier,” he says, although he looks entirely unrepentant. “Zitao gets turned on with making out in the library.”

Jongdae looks away, coughing. That’s way more information that he could have hoped to know about Zitao. “Thanks,” he says instead, pulling the book nearer towards him. “I really needed this.”

“I figured, seeing as you tried so hard to be stealthy,” Baekhyun replies with a grin. He looks at Jongdae’s books and notes before his eyes rest on him once more. “Want to go get a snack? I’m starving.” He rubs his tummy up and down, slightly lifting the hem of his shirt and showing a bit of skin.

Jongdae hesitates. “I still have a lot of ground to cover,” he starts.

“It won’t take two hours,” Baekhyun insists, pulling Jongdae off his chair and helping him pack his stuff up. “I’ll even help you with… whatever it is that’s stressing you out,” he adds, gesturing vaguely to his things. Jongdae swallows, ignoring the fact that his classes aren’t what are stressing him out at the moment. “You look like you’re not getting any work done anyway.”

Jongdae flushes at this and takes over closing his books and putting them in his backpack. Baekhyun pulls his phone out when it buzzes, replying to whatever message he’s received with a smile on his face before putting it back in his pocket.

“Ready?” he asks when Jongdae straightens up, his backpack on his back.

Having snacks with Baekhyun just means Baekhyun eating everything on Jongdae’s plate, while Baekhyun talks his ear off at the same time. But Jongdae thinks it’s a good way to relax and de-stress just like what Baekhyun’s intentions were when he pulled him out of the library.

Baekhyun talks a lot. He talks about swimming, their teammates, even his family and his film classes. He also laughs a lot on top of talking a lot, his voice rough and sketchy like jagged lines with no particular direction or purpose, which Jongdae is starting to like. The way Baekhyun is seems like he’s generally happy about the direction his life is going; he’s contented with being in film and swimming, which is more than Jongdae can say about himself.

“I have this class where all we do is watch movies,” Baekhyun shares excitedly, looking for the kiwis in Jongdae’s fruit cup. “Like each week, all we do is watch a different movie and all we have to do is critique it based on the subject that we’re tackling that week.” He grabs the fruit cup and leans back on his seat when he sees that Jongdae isn’t even eating it. “This week we watched Sunset Boulevard and had to look out for all the symbolisms the cinematography provided. It was awesome.”

Baekhyun talks about film the way Chanyeol talks about his art classes. Jongdae thinks about his architecture classes and laughs to himself. It’s admirable how much you can tell about a person with how they talk about what they’re doing with their lives.

“Sounds like you’re having a lot of fun,” Jongdae remarks.

Baekhyun shrugs, although there’s a smile on his lips. “Architecture seems complicated,” he says. “You must be good at math.”

Jongdae smiles. “My dad was good at math, at least that’s what my mother told me,” he tells him. “My brother sucked, but he passed all his classes so I guess there’s hope for me.”

Baekhyun gives him a weird look, which passes as soon as it comes. He shrugs. “You should come watch the movie that we need to see for next week,” he changes the subject. “I always watch them before classes so that I can focus on doing what’s required when we do watch it in class.”

Jongdae thinks about the way Baekhyun oozes with passion when he talks about movies and wonders what it would be like witnessing it in person. “Okay,” he agrees, smiling. “I’d like that.”










“I’m bored,” Jongdae mutters, placing an arm over his eyes. Kyungsoo, who never really hangs out at their dorm, has just gone out with some guy named Jongin.

Chanyeol laughs in response and doesn’t say anything else. Jongdae knows that Chanyeol is drawing, his phone probably tucked between his ear and his shoulder as he tries to capture the falling leaves around him. Jongdae squeezes his eyes shut as he listens to the scratch of Chanyeol’s pencil against the rough material of his sketchbook paper. He can imagine the way Chanyeol draws, the leaves ending up soft and startlingly realistic for which Chanyeol has a knack of doing.

“You know what you need to do,” Chanyeol suddenly speaks up. “You need to go out.”

“I go out,” Jongdae defends himself.

“Knowing you, going out means you went to the library and attended your classes or went swimming,” Chanyeol knowingly states. “Why aren’t you swimming?”

“I’d just come back from doing that,” Jongdae tells him. He’d done a hundred laps, fifty laps of freestyle, fifty laps of butterfly and doing ten each of backstroke and breaststroke for cooling down.

“You need to go out,” Chanyeol repeats, more firmly this time. “I’ve been sending you pictures of every place I’ve been to and all you’ve sent me are your classrooms, which look like every other classroom on the planet by the way, and your swimming pool, which I’ve seen in person.”

“I don’t really know what I want to do,” Jongdae admits with a pout, “or where to go.” He sighs. “I don’t know this place. I’m new, remember?”

“And isn’t that the best reason to go out and explore?” Chanyeol maintains. Jongdae can’t help but begrudge at how Chanyeol is right. So he just sighs and doesn’t say anything, which just makes Chanyeol laugh at him. “Go out, Jongdae,” he repeats. “And take pictures so you can show me.”

“You just want proof that I went out,” Jongdae grumbles as he sits up, now regretting that he didn’t come with Kyungsoo. This would be easier if he had someone who knows his way around with him.

“That, too,” Chanyeol agrees, chuckling. “Going to classes and swimming can’t be all that’s there.”

What else is there? is what first pops into Jongdae’s head at this but shakes it off. “Whatever,” he mutters. “I’ll call you later or something.”

“Send me pictures on Kakaotalk!” Chanyeol yells before Jongdae ends the call.

Jongdae stands up and stretches, all the while wondering where he could go and explore. He supposes he’ll just wing it and walk around; see where the road (or the sidewalk) takes him. Sounds good enough, he thinks, as he leaves his dorm room.

Jongdae ends up lost. It isn’t a surprise, really, considering that he didn’t have a particular destination in mind. Still, it’s disconcerting as he tries to figure out the map that he’s searched up from Google, which makes absolutely no sense because all he’s done is ride one bus to get to the place where a highly recommended restaurant is. Now, he doesn’t know where he is.

He goes inside a seemingly empty building, white walls with a framed photo here and there, with a lone girl manning the receptionist desk. Taking a deep breath, he gathers the courage to ask for directions.

“Jongdae?” someone calls before he can get a word out.

Jongdae turns around and finds Baekhyun coming down the stairs with a couple of other guys. They all wave their goodbyes to Baekhyun before Baekhyun approaches Jongdae with a questioning look on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asks, glancing around to see if he has anyone with him.

Jongdae smiles. “I’m just… walking around, looking around,” he says, hoping that Baekhyun won’t suspect anything.

Of course Baekhyun is too sharp to miss the way Jongdae’s smile is forced. “You’re lost, aren’t you?” he says, narrowing his eyes.

“No,” Jongdae defensively states, straightening up and puffing his chest out. “I’m just… wandering around.” He hopes that how he says it so determinedly will let him get away with it. But Baekhyun just snickers.

“Very well,” Baekhyun says, wiggling his fingers at him with a ‘come hither’ gesture as he walks out of the building. Jongdae is relieved that Baekhyun isn’t going to call him out on his lie. “Now that you’ve wandered enough, I’m sure you’re tired.” He snickers as Jongdae’s cheeks turn pink. “What do you want to do?”

Jongdae, very much relieved and eternally grateful that he now has Baekhyun’s company, just shrugs. “Up to you,” he says and ignores the way Baekhyun’s eyebrows raise up his forehead. “I’ll do whatever you want to do.”

“That’s exactly the very thing that gets you lost, Kim Jongdae,” Baekhyun comments before he’s shaking his head and grabbing Jongdae’s hand. “Let’s go then.”










It’s that familiar feeling—the excitement, the rush, the anxiety, the fear all rolled into one that makes Jongdae a big (or small) ball of tightly coiled tension. No matter how many times he’s done this, it’s always different every time, each one having its element that makes him nervous enough to want to throw up in the bathroom and never come out. It’s always the time where he questions what he’s doing there, why he’s even included in this when he’s clearly not good enough, not prepared enough. Jongdae bends down, reaching for his toes with his fingertips to stretch his legs and to help ease the butterflies in his stomach. The knowledge that this is his first college competition doesn’t help him at all.

There’s the sound of a splash, one after the other, and he can’t tune it out. He can’t really tune it out here, when every moment is partnered with the water. With the excitement and energy high in the arena, Jongdae really wonders why he isn’t as excited as the rest of the team. He glances to his left and then to his right, watching as swimmer after swimmer jumps off from the starting block at the sound of the whistle, sprint warm-ups taking place. He bends down once more, closing his eyes and trying to even out his breathing. Throwing up won’t help him or anyone for that matter.

“You look green,” Joonmyun tells him when he straightens up, putting an arm around his shoulders in concern. “Are you alright?”

“Of course he’s not alright,” Baekhyun pipes in before Jongdae could open his mouth. “It’s his first meet. How did you feel on your first? We’re not all as good as you are, you know.”

Joonmyun makes a face at him and grabs Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun pulls his shoulders up, trying very hard not to squeal like a girl. Jongdae watches in amusement, nervousness forgotten for a second, as Baekhyun tries to run away from Joonmyun. When Joonmyun’s had enough of Baekhyun squirming under his grasp, he lets go with a satisfied smirk.

“I’m going to get you a glass of water,” Joonmyun tells Jongdae go and leaves to do just that.

Baekhyun pretends to go after Joonmyun, cupping the back of his neck with both hands. “You really do look green,” Baekhyun then says to Jongdae as if nothing had happened. Jongdae groans, remembering his anxiety. Baekhyun chuckles. “You’re going to be fine. All those extra practices that you’ve done won’t go to waste.”

What if they do go to waste? What if Jongdae screws up, jumps ahead of the signal or doesn’t do the turn properly or misses a lap? What if he fails to exceed his time for a particular event or, even worse, fails to meet it at all? What if Jongdae royally screws up on his first ever college swim meet and embarrasses his teammates and his university? What then?

“You have to stop thinking so much,” Baekhyun tells him, obviously forcing himself not to laugh at Jongdae’s misery, the corners of his lips quivering. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Jongdae wants to say that it’s easy for Baekhyun to say that because swimming is not that big of a deal to him because it comes easy for him. But instead he nods. “Yeah, not that big of a deal,” he echoes, shaking his hands as his turn to do warm-up sprints gets closer.

“Look, do you remember what it felt like when you first started swimming, when all of this,” Baekhyun says, gesturing around the arena, “wasn’t in the picture? When it was just you and the pool? That’s the feeling that you should think about, that’s what you should remember.”

Jongdae started swimming in third year high school. He has never gotten near any body of water before then, never having shown interest in even going to the beach or having fun at the village pool. But he went to his brother’s swimming club that year and stepped forward to express his interest in swimming for them. He remembers the looks of pity and understanding that flitted on the coaches’ faces before they smiled and took him in. The feeling that was so prominent at that time was resignation. Jongdae doesn’t think that as an appropriate feeling to have during competition.

Jongdae climbs up the starting block and, at the whistle, dives.










It gets better after Jongdae finishes 2nd overall in 200-meter men’s individual medley. He earns himself amazed looks and pats on the back when he gets back to the team’s place on the bleachers and gets a massage on the back from Joonmyun. Baekhyun winks at him as he makes his way to the waiting area for his event. Jongdae smiles at him. He just has 200-meter butterfly, 200-meter freestyle, and the relay, where he’s swimming freestyle. Donghae had decided to go easy on the freshman on their first college competition and Jongdae thinks he’s more than grateful.

During his first ever swim meet, his mother and brother, despite the difficulty, had come to watch him swim. That was the only competition where he actually threw up because he couldn’t handle the pressure. Jongdae had known that his mother and brother wouldn’t think any less of him if he didn’t do very well, but he knew that it wouldn’t make them happy either. In a way, more than gaining a place at the podium, he wanted to prove to them that he can do this, that this is something that he has chosen. Jongdae can still remember how tightly his mother had hugged him when he managed to get 3rd place on his 400-meter freestyle event. She’d whispered in his ear how happy she was and how proud she was of him. Jongdae thought then that that was enough.

Later, as he stands several times on the silver medal podium for almost all the events he’d swum in, Jongdae thinks about his mother and how happy she would be when he tells her later about what he’d won. Then she would pass the phone to his brother if he was home and he’d tell him, as he always does, that Jongdae gives the Kim family name honor. Jongdae would probably roll his eyes because Jongdeok always gets dramatic like that as if they’re living in ancient times. Still, when Jongdae hears these things from his family, he can’t help but think that it’s still enough.

“Scoot,” Baekhyun says from above and Jongdae looks up. Just when he’s starting to get settled in his seat in the middle of the bus, Baekhyun appears, wanting to sit beside him.

“There are plenty of seats in the bus,” Jongdae points out. There are only 15 swimmers on the team, both girls and boys. If you add Donghae and Changmin, the assistant coach, there are still more than enough seats for all of them.

“Aww but you know you’d miss my company,” Baekhyun says, wiggling his eyebrows up and down just as he plops himself beside Jongdae, who grumbles that he was doing just fine sitting by himself on the way over. “C’mon, you should be cheerier, more upbeat.”

“Why?” Jongdae makes a face at him.

“Because you just won silver, dummy,” Baekhyun tells him, looking surprised. “Because you just helped this team’s standings and gave us a better edge in our future meets.”

“Right,” Jongdae says. He doesn’t know what to say after that so he just decides to look out of the window. The bus is now pulling out of the parking lot. The moon is full and big and bright. Jongdae heaves a sigh.

“If it were anyone else,” Baekhyun starts, putting his earphones on, “they’d be ecstatic with what you’d just achieved. But you act like it’s nothing. Or maybe you’re the type of person who gets happy on the inside. Weird, but possible.”

“I am happy,” Jongdae tells Baekhyun, almost pleadingly. But he’s not sure Baekhyun hears him.










“Are you alright?” Kyungsoo asks Jongdae when he gets back into their room from his shower.

Jongdae is on his bed, position awkward, his back bent at an angle that looks like it hurts. His eyes are half closed, seemingly delirious, from lack of sleep. He had spent most of the previous night talking to his mother on the phone. After he’d called Chanyeol to tell him the news about the competition, he decided to just call his mom in the morning and go to bed. But then she called him. There were so many things that his mother wanted to talk about and before he knew it, it was already 2 a.m.

“Yeah,” Jongdae answers, fixing his position on the bed so that his back doesn’t ache as much.

Jongdae isn’t really one who knows how to socialize. Despite people telling him that he’s friendly and affectionate, sometimes he thinks he can do more to actually get close to people. Like Kyungsoo. He and Kyungsoo are roommates and Jongdae barely knows anything about him. Although that may be because Kyungsoo never really talks about anything other than swimming. Kyungsoo doesn’t even really mention anything about his classes.

“I’m going out with some of the team,” Kyungsoo then tells him when he’s finished drying his hair and styling it. “We’re going to watch a movie. You should come with us.” He fixes the collar of his shirt before putting his phone and wallet in his pants pockets.

Jongdae hesitates. He glances at the books on his bed, thinking that he should get started on some homework. Having gotten too focused on the swim meet, he started getting a bit behind on some of his school requirements. He hasn’t had much sleep in a while, either. It wasn’t just that he had stayed up late on the phone; all the stress had been keeping him from getting proper rest, as well. His mind always seems to be awake, thinking about everything and anything from schoolwork to his swimming.

“You don’t have to,” Kyungsoo then says, watching with concern as Jongdae pushes himself up.

“No, no,” Jongdae said, running a hand through his already unruly hair. “You’re right. I should come.”

“It’s not should. You could but you don’t have to, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo repeats, scoffing a little.

“Well I’m going, anyway,” Jongdae insists, smiling at Kyungsoo who kind of growls at him. Jongdae laughs, slinging an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders as they leave their dorm room.

Going to the movies with some of the team apparently means third wheeling. The moment they arrive at the cinema, Soojung grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and pulls him to the concessionaire stand, where Joonmyun and Minseok are with Taeyeon and Jinri respectively. It’s not a surprise that Baekhyun, who is apparently waiting for his own date, is there as well. It’s awkward, to say the least, to be invited to a hangout that scream ‘couples only’.

Jongdae shrugs it off. He hasn’t been to a movie since he started college and thinks that this is a good idea to do so and unwind. He sits at the end of the row as they go inside the theater, hoping against hope that none of his friends decide that making out is a better option than actually watching the movie. Jongdae immediately starts fiddling with his phone when he overhears Jinri giggling with Minseok to appear nonchalant and sends Chanyeol a text message that says i’m watching a movie be proud of me. Chanyeol responds with an irritating emoticon that expresses exactly just that.

When the lights dim, Baekhyun suddenly appears beside him, having just come in and slips into one of the two empty seats to his left. Baekhyun crosses his arms over his chest, brows furrowed fiercely, huffing.

“Are you okay?” Jongdae whispers.

Baekhyun doesn’t respond, merely leaning closer to him, his eyes trained on the screen that’s only showing previews. Jongdae nudges him lightly to catch his attention, but Baekhyun doesn’t relent. Jongdae gives up and makes himself comfortable in his seat, leaning his head back and watching the upcoming movie previews with passive interest.

There’s a poke on his arm. “Are you sleeping?” Baekhyun sounds amused.

“No,” Jongdae says, even though his eyes are closed. “I’m just resting my eyes.” Baekhyun snickers beside him but he ignores this. The movie hasn’t even started; surely he can just close his eyes for a bit until it actually starts.

When Jongdae opens his eyes again, the theater house lights are all turned on, making him squint. As he looks around, blinking rapidly, he realizes that the seats around him are empty. In fact, almost all of the seats in the theater are empty, except for the one beside him. Jongdae blinks as Baekhyun grins at him.

“Sleep well?” Baekhyun laughs as Jongdae’s face falls. “Don’t worry,” he says, patting his head as he stands. “You didn’t miss much. I thought you were more productive than I was.” He pauses to think. “But not as productive as the rest of our friends were,” he corrects himself, smiling greasily.

“Sorry,” Jongdae mutters as they make their way out of the cinema.

Baekhyun waves his apology off. “Don’t worry about it,” he assures him. “You don’t have to apologize for being tired. So!” He claps his hands together as he faces Jongdae. They’re outside of the cinema and the night is still young. “What do you want to do?” he asks. “Do you want to go find the others or do you want us to just hang out away from the love birds?”

Jongdae doesn’t really mind doing either one so he shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pants pockets. “What do you want to do?” he returns the question to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun shakes his head. “You should never answer a question with another question,” he tells Jongdae, raising his eyebrows.

“Well then,” Jongdae rephrases. “We should do what you want to do.” He grins when Baekhyun rolls his eyes.

“I can never get a proper answer from you,” Baekhyun mutters as he grabs Jongdae’s hand. “Fine, we’ll go get food by ourselves. And you’re paying.”

“Okay,” Jongdae agrees with a laugh.










Jongdae gets used to being a part of the team. Where before he normally wouldn’t have taken part in anything other than practices and competitions, he now hangs out with them even outside of those. Kyungsoo makes sure that he always invites Jongdae to go out with them, something that Jongdae always has a hard time saying no to. That, and the fact that he would get to hang out with Baekhyun. Somehow being with Baekhyun in those first few times had blossomed into a few more times and a few more until Jongdae couldn’t count them anymore. Whatever impression he had of Baekhyun before—that he was boisterous, flamboyant and very playful, they are all true, but Baekhyun is also more than that. Baekhyun is caring, sweet, and can be very serious when he talks about things that he loves like film and swimming. Jongdae finds that he can’t get enough of him, and that is why he is grateful for being part of the team, for being suddenly a part of this group of people who have accepted him as one of their own. Jongdae has become comfortable around them the way he’s now comfortable with his pruning skin when he stays too long in the pool.

Still, swimming is rarely fun and games, especially when the season kicks in. They are continuously being hounded by Donghae (and Changmin) to stop slacking off, to pick up their times, to keep up with the training. The next competition is coming up and they really can’t afford to relax.

Jongdae leans back in his seat as Changmin starts handing out the schedule for the month. They have two competitions to prepare for, both a two-day meet, the other one they have to travel by bus to. The list of events per swimmer is also listed down and Jongdae looks through his. His eyes widen when he sees two events listed under his name that he’s never really swum in before and is, therefore, untrained for, 400-meter and 800-meter freestyle.

“Coach?” Jongdae approaches Donghae quietly. “I saw that there’s a 400-meter and 800-meter free swim under my name.”

Donghae continues writing something down on a pad, not even looking up at Jongdae. He grunts. “What about it?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Jongdae says, shaking his head.

“Don’t worry about it, Jongdae,” Donghae assures him, finally looking up at him. “I’ve noticed that your endurance is quite good. We can improve on that.” He claps him on the back. “You have big potential for long distance.”

Jongdae continues staring at the two events as he sits back down. Jongdeok was a long distance swimmer. He swam even the 1500-meter event and won it every single time. Somehow, because of that, Jongdae had it in his head that he should be anything other than a long distance swimmer. He feels that it’s not his place because that’s where his brother shone the most. Aside from that, there’s also that feeling of inadequacy. Jongdae isn’t trained for long distance events. He’s not sure if he has the endurance. Then again, Donghae knows best. He’s the coach.

Jongdae folds the paper in four and puts it in his pocket before picking up his bag to go and change for practice. He doesn’t notice Baekhyun following him with his eyes.










Jongdae grew up doing his best in everything that he did. His mother had always told him that it’s better to do things right the first time to avoid wasting time, resources and efforts and it has always stuck with him. Everything that Jongdae started, he finished with gusto and perfection. He never half-asses anything no matter how much he doesn’t like it, which, to be fair, doesn’t happen often. Jongdae enjoys everything that he does, though they just have different levels of enjoyment.

After worrying about his long distance events for the upcoming meet, Jongdae lets it go and just goes and trains for it. Aside from going to regular afternoon practices, he’s decided to add morning training as well. If he is going to swim them, he might as well go all the way and prepare properly.

Jongdae pushes the gate open and is surprised to find someone standing by the starting blocks, putting on goggles. The swimmer turns around at his entrance.

“Jongdae!” Baekhyun says, surprised, putting his goggles up to his forehead. “What are you doing here?”

“Same thing as you, I guess,” Jongdae answers, smiling as he gestures to the pool.

Sometimes when Jongdae is swimming, he thinks of how freeing it is. Being in the water always relaxes him somehow, even when he’s swum so many laps, even when he feels that his muscles are tightening due to the exertion, he still feels cool and rarely feels the tiredness. Only when he stops, when he gets out of the pool, does he feel the exhaustion and the heat. In a way, even if training can get difficult, swimming is also a way for Jongdae to let out his frustrations and stress.

“Are you going to start training in the mornings from now on?” Baekhyun asks Jongdae. He’s hanging onto a lane line, leaning his head on his arm.

Jongdae nods as he floats on his back, arms spread wide. “I need all the training I can get,” he says.

It’s quieter in the morning. Afternoon trainings usually consist of boisterous laughter and loud splashes. When the swimmers think that no one is looking, there’s a lot of playful horsing around that happens, mostly with Sehun and Zitao as the leaders. This just has the team end up swimming more than they should have because Donghae would always catch them and then would end up punishing them. Afterwards, Joonmyun would lecture them about responsibility. It’s really lucky that being in the varsity team allows them free access to the pool any time during school hours.

“I don’t know why you think you need the training,” Baekhyun comments. “You seem like such a natural at swimming. How long have you been doing this?” When Jongdae tells him that it’s only his third year, Baekhyun reacts rather wildly, ending up with Jongdae being splashed with water on the face. “And you’re worried? How do you think Minseok feels or the other juniors and seniors on the team? Some of them are not as good as you.”

Jongdae stands, moving away from a floating position, and swims to the end of the pool to get off. “Well they have been here longer,” he explains. “So they don’t really have to prove anything.”

“You don’t have to prove anything either,” Baekhyun reminds him. “You’re already in the team. That’s proof enough that you deserve to be here and that you’re good.” He follows after Jongdae and pulls himself up on the ledge. “But with you, it’s like you’re constantly seeking approval, like…” He shrugs. “Who are you trying to impress?”

“No one,” Jongdae answers honestly. “I just don’t want to screw up.” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows questioningly. “I just want to do well. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.”

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun tells him gently, “you are not wasting anyone’s time. In case you haven’t noticed, everyone is glad you’re here and not just because you’re a good swimmer. Although Donghae probably sends a prayer of thanks to the heavens for having found you. On top of finding me, of course.” He grins and Jongdae laughs.

Jongdae lies on his back, not caring if the pebbled pavement will create marks on his bare back later. Baekhyun does the same, their shoulders brushing against each other.

“My brother swam all the time when we were younger,” Jongdae suddenly shares. Baekhyun moves closer to him, the length of their arms touching. “He would always plead to my mom to take us to the beach or take us swimming somewhere. My mom indulged him because my brother could get really annoying when he was determined.”

Jongdae laughs, remembering how Jongdeok wouldn’t leave their mom alone until she sighed in resignation and gave in. Jongdae, idolizing his brother, witnessed this firsthand as he would follow Jongdeok around. He would use every tactic known to kids to get her to agree to take them swimming. Jongdeok would tell her that he would be a good boy, so good that she wouldn’t have to clean up after him, that he would do so well in school. Other times, he would say that he’s not going to eat anything until she says yes, which always fails because Jongdeok loved to eat like any other kid. Sometimes, Jongdeok would use Jongdae as a bargaining chip, saying that Jongdae wanted to come too and wouldn’t it be nice if they could all go out as a family? Jongdae remembers how their mother would smile at all his attempts and how she would laugh when Jongdeok screamed with joy when she said yes. “Such determination would always be rewarded,” Jongdae remembers her saying. His brother was rewarded every time.

“My brother, always the braver one, would go out into the deep even by himself,” Jongdae shares. “My mother would always be so worried, but then there would always be a lifeguard on standby. It never became a problem, though, because Jongdeok taught himself how to float and taught himself how to do the basic dog swim. But it wasn’t until Jongdeok was so focused on swimming in the Olympics on TV that my mom thought of giving him proper lessons. The rest is history, of course.”

“Where were you in this history?” Baekhyun then asks, his fingers drumming against the pavement, brushing every so often with Jongdae’s.

“I’d play in the shallower parts of the pool or by the shore of the beach,” Jongdae tells him, flicking Baekhyun’s fingers playfully away when they keep touching his. Baekhyun chuckles lightly beside him and intentionally brushes his knuckles against Jongdae’s. “I’d watch my brother from there as he pretended he was an Olympic swimmer. When he started having lessons, my mom would take me with her to pick him up. Sometimes we came in earlier to watch.”

“Was it your brother who taught you how to swim?” Baekhyun then asks.

“In some ways, yes,” Jongdae says, his voice quieter as Baekhyun’s pinky links with his. He isn’t sure what’s happening but this isn’t really a good idea because he’s not sure how to explain why his heart is beating fast like it’s going to run out of his chest. “But I just watched him swim and then copied what he did, I guess.”

Baekhyun laughs. “You’re all naturals then,” he remarks.

“My brother doesn’t swim anymore,” Jongdae tells him. “He got an injury that forced him to stop. I think my mom was relieved that I was still around. I think she got used to having a swimmer in the family.”

“Jongdae, that’s a really weird thing to say,” Baekhyun comments lightly, squeezing Jongdae’s pinky finger with his.

“I think I should tell you that a lot of things about me are weird,” Jongdae laughs. His chest feels light with something that probably has something to do with Baekhyun being so close.

“I know you are,” Baekhyun agrees, laughing when Jongdae nudges him. “But I think that’s what makes you interesting.”

Jongdae tries hard not to smile too wide.










Their dorm room is too small, too cramped. Or maybe Kyungsoo and Jongdae just have too many things. Their two beds occupy most of the room, along with two study tables at the ends of the beds, along with two closets and a bathroom. But Jongdae thinks there can be more space if he could only rearrange things. The problem is that the furniture is all fixed to the walls and the floor and, therefore, can’t be moved. Jongdae tried several times to no avail.

Jongdae falls into his bed, face first. He’s just so bored. He’s done nothing aside from going to his classes, except go to the library or back to the dorm, both just to study. He doesn’t bother going to the pool because he knows that Donghae will just send him back out because he isn’t allowed to swim for at least a week so that his arm muscles will feel less sore. He’d been training every morning and afternoon, as well as every break he could get, to practice his endurance and time himself for the 400-meter and 800-meter freestyle. Apparently, swimming eight and 16 laps over and over again with intervals of only 15 minutes isn’t wise. Actually, Donghae had said that over-swimming isn’t wise, so Jongdae has been sent on exile from the swimming pool until he does feel better.

Not swimming so much is fine with him to be honest. It’s just that Jongdae is getting sick of going through architectural terminologies and icing his arm alternately. It’s only his second day away from training and he’s getting frustrated already. How can he do well if he can’t practice?

But really Jongdae just wants to be able to do something that is not studying. He would go out but then everyone’s really busy preparing for the competition and busy with school as well. He’d actually tried forcing Chanyeol to just talk to him on the phone but Chanyeol fell asleep somewhere in between Jongdae whining.

Sighing, Jongdae just resigns himself to his fate. He stares at his books and then his notebooks, an idea coming to him. Between him and Chanyeol, Chanyeol really is the one who has always been the artist. As young as 7 years old, Chanyeol already tried to sketch people, in the best way that he could: using stick figures. His parents always bought him sketchpads and new colored pencils and crayons, which he would always show Jongdae and then they’d draw. Or Chanyeol would draw and Jongdae would just scribble lines on the sides. At that time, Jongdae didn’t understand why Chanyeol was so excited with drawing. How would you even know what to draw?

There was a time when Jongdae had gotten a scolding from his mother. It was just a couple of months after Jongdeok’s accident and his mom was normally short tempered or tired back then. Jongdae had forgotten to wash the dishes and she got really mad because of it. Jongdae washed the dishes as quickly as he could and left to go to Chanyeol’s house. Chanyeol had then dragged him to the park. They sat on the grass near the playground and Chanyeol handed him a piece of paper from his sketchpad and a pencil, telling him to draw anything that he wants, telling him to draw what he feels or what he’d rather not feel.

Jongdae can’t forget the way he’d looked up at the trees, how it swayed with the wind, and how the light of the setting sun filtered through the leaves. He thought it looked so peaceful, so beautiful. Jongdae still doesn’t know how he did it but he ended up drawing the trees in the park quite decently for someone who doesn’t know how to draw, that even Chanyeol was surprised. He supposes he just has a knack for picking up things quickly.

Jongdae hasn’t drawn anything for quite some time now. He’s never really drawn for any particular reason, except for the fact that he likes it. But he’s been so busy with swimming that he’s never really touched a pencil or a sketchpad for a long time. This time, though, he thinks there’s nothing wrong in going back to it, even just for a bit, even just for now. Slowly, he picks up a pencil and flips to an empty page in one of his notebooks and starts to draw.

In architecture, all drawings include a ruler because the lines have to be straight and all the angles must be perfect and mathematically correct. A small mistake in calculation can result to a big problem in a construction of a building or any kind of structure. Architects are taught to be precise and to know exactly what they’re doing. There’s very little room for mistakes.

Jongdae’s father was an architect. He was very young when he passed away and Jongdae doesn’t really remember much of him, except that he carried him a lot on his shoulders and that they would run after Jongdeok around the house. But his dad’s legacy is incredibly powerful. During the funeral, several of his father’s friends and colleagues offered their condolences would follow up with variations of “your dad was a very good architect, one of the most respectable in the industry, we are sorry for the loss”. Until now, it’s something Jongdae can’t forget. Whether he’s at home or around the city where they lived and grew up in, it’s a constant reminder.

Drawing for art is something very different from what they do in his classes. Sure, there are techniques and theories, like what Chanyeol had told him, but there is also more freedom to express, to draw what you like and how you want to. People may question it or critique it, but they can’t really say that it’s wrong. Jongdae thinks it’s incredibly therapeutic.

Once he’d started drawing back then, Jongdae found he couldn’t stop. Chanyeol encouraged him, excited that his best friend is into the same thing that he is, and gave him his first ever sketchpad and set of colored pencils. Jongdae still has them in his drawer, a form of keepsake, and a reminder.

Jongdae drops his pencil as he stares at what he’s drawn. He’s rusty but it’s clear enough that one can see that he’s drawn the swimming pool area of the school, complete with the roof and the bleachers, as well as the lane lines and that small chip at the tile near the gate. He’s even drawn it with several people swimming, people he can identify because he drew with them in mind. Chanyeol used to tell him that drawing is only hard at first because of the lack of skill, but as the skill grows, the subject matter of the drawings stop to matter. Because anything can be drawn. What it comes down to is what’s on your mind. Chanyeol likes drawing people. He goes to parks and malls just to sit down and draw anyone whom he thinks is interesting. But he draws his family and friends the most. Jongdae draws places more and events. Obviously, swimming is what’s on Jongdae’s mind. Even when he’s banned from it.

The dorm room opens just then and Kyungsoo walks in.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo greets him with a small smirk. His hair is still wet, obviously having come directly from practice. Jongdae can still even smell the chlorine off of him. “How are you doing?”

“You don’t have to sound so smug,” Jongdae grumbles. He puts down his notebook and stands up to stretch. “But how was practice?”

“We did mostly sprints today,” Kyungsoo tells him as he takes his towels and wet clothing out of his bag to wash and hang them in the bathroom. “I think Donghae wants to take things easy since the competition’s so near.”

“Makes sense,” Jongdae comments.

“It’s probably because he’s scared that another one of us will pull a muscle like you did.” Kyungsoo’s laughter echoes in the bathroom and Jongdae makes a face at him even if Kyungsoo can’t see his face. “But really,” he continues, walking out. “You’re not missing much.”

“You mean, you guys don’t miss me.” Jongdae pretends to pout and Kyungsoo pushes him hard enough that he falls back on his bed.

“Hey, what’s this?” Kyungsoo asks, his eyes flickering to his drawing. He picks it up and Jongdae uncomfortably watches his eyes widening as he stares at it.

“It’s nothing,” Jongdae answers as vague as he can, swiping the notebook off Kyungsoo’s hands.

Kyungsoo doesn’t fight him for it and just shrugs, moving towards his gym bag to unpack some more. Jongdae, sighing with relief, tears the page off his notebook, folds it and stuffs it in one of his textbooks.










Classes have just ended, signaling the end of another week, but Jongdae’s already scraping his brain, thinking of what to do to occupy his time. Normally he would be going to practice, which he really wants to do, but his weeklong exile still isn’t up. He would probably finish his schoolwork because that is actually in equal priority with his swimming. His scholarship would be revoked if he ever got anything lower than a 3 and Jongdae really doesn’t want that to happen. No matter how hard of a time he’s having, he can’t afford to lose his scholarship. Their life after his father’s death hasn’t been the same since. Jongdae won’t be able to keep attending such a good university if he gets his scholarship invalidated. Still, studying all weekend long doesn’t seem too exciting. Maybe he should sleep. Rest is always good.

Jongdae gets to his dormitory building without much fanfare and he almost becomes resigned to his fate of a boring weekend when he sees Baekhyun leaning against the door of his room. Baekhyun is scrolling through his iPod, earphones on, and Jongdae can’t help but feel something at the sight of him.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asks, smiling a little when Baekhyun looks startled.

Baekhyun pushes himself off the door and allows Jongdae to unlock his room. “I’ve come to save you from your misery,” Baekhyun announces, following Jongdae inside the room without invitation. “I heard from a little bird that you’ve been bored.”

“You try being banned from even just going to the pool,” Jongdae snaps, gritting his teeth. “Let’s see how you like it.” He puts his bag down on top of his desk, filled with stacks of papers. Baekhyun picks up one of the Jongdae’s drawings and Jongdae has the urge to snatch it out of Baekhyun’s hands. “That’s nothing,” he says instead.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Baekhyun comments, sucking on his lower lip in a way that Jongdae thinks is distracting. Jongdae focuses on the drawing instead. “I didn’t know that you draw.”

“I don’t,” Jongdae is quick to respond. “I mean, it’s just something that I do here and there. Nothing serious.”

The look in Baekhyun’s eyes is curious as he puts the drawing back on the desk, which Jongdae immediately turns face down. “Okay,” he finally says. “Get dressed then.”

“Why?” Jongdae raises his eyebrows. “Are we going somewhere?”

“Do you want to go somewhere with me?” Baekhyun’s grin is wide, showing all of his teeth. It’s one of Jongdae’s favorite things about Baekhyun, his smile, if Jongdae should have any favorite thing about Baekhyun at all.

Yes. Jongdae thinks he wants to go somewhere with Baekhyun. Somewhere they aren’t required to be together for swimming or because they accidentally ran into each other. Jongdae would very much like to go somewhere with Baekhyun just because they want to, because Baekhyun wants to be with Jongdae wherever that somewhere may be.

“Don’t answer a question with a question,” Jongdae tells him.

Baekhyun laughs really loudly that Jongdae glances at the thin walls. “Touché,” he says, nodding. He walks to Jongdae’s bed and sits down. “Go and get dressed, smartass,” he tells him, slapping Jongdae’s butt. “We’re going training.”

“You know I can’t,” Jongdae tells him with a frown. Training. Of course.

“Are you really always this obedient?” Baekhyun teases. “We’re going running. I’m pretty sure you haven’t seen the whole campus. Let’s kill two birds with one stone.”

“Why are you suddenly so nice to me?” Jongdae asks, opening his closet to get clean sweatpants and a loose shirt to change into.

“When have I not been nice to you?” Baekhyun looks amused and offended at the same time that Jongdae can’t help but burst into laughter. “I have always been nice to you,” he insists, pouting. Jongdae walks up to him, shirt only halfway on and flicks Baekhyun’s lower lip in amusement.

“You baby,” Jongdae mocks.

“Why did I ever think you were nice?” Baekhyun grumbles playfully. “Dress up faster.” Baekhyun pulls Jongdae’s shirt down, his fingers brushing against Jongdae’s sides.

Jongdae inhales, stomach curving in. He squeezes his eyes shut, mentally berating himself for being so… ticklish when it comes to Baekhyun. “Don’t,” he grits out, moving to take a step back, but Baekhyun grabs Jongdae’s wrist.

“Ticklish, are we?” Baekhyun is grinning like he’s just discovered the secret to Santa Claus.

Jongdae does the first thing that comes to mind and cuffs the back of Baekhyun’s neck, which has Baekhyun folding up immediately, yelping. “Not as ticklish as you,” Jongdae declares rather smugly, proud of himself for having gotten himself out of a sticky situation in mere seconds.

Jongdae is unprepared, however, for Baekhyun grabbing him by the waist and tackling him to the bed. Jongdae’s breath swooshes out of him as his back hits the mattress and Baekhyun climbs on top of him. Baekhyun grins down at Jongdae in such a feral manner. Jongdae’s throat goes dry.

Before either of them could move, the door opens and Kyungsoo and Minseok walk in. There’s a beat of silence, and then Minseok speaks up, “I thought coach said you’re not to do strenuous activities, Jongdae.” Minseok grins as Kyungsoo snorts.

“I’m just going to grab my music sheets,” Kyungsoo announces, rummaging through the folders on his desk before pulling one out and waving it towards Jongdae, who’s frozen, and Baekhyun, who’s still grinning. “Okay, carry on.”

Minseok laughs as they walk out of the room, closing the door behind them.

There’s another beat of silence before Jongdae is pushing Baekhyun off him. Jongdae scrambles to get off the bed and turns a bright red when Baekhyun just bursts into laughter. There is nothing funny. Their position may have seemed compromising but nothing was happening. It was just a misunderstanding. Jongdae huffs as he puts his rubber shoes on, very tempted to throw one at Baekhyun’s face. Just because Baekhyun is attractive doesn’t allow him to make fun of Jongdae like that.

“Aww, c’mon, Jongdae,” Baekhyun whines teasingly as they walk out of Jongdae’s building. “I’m sure Minseok and Kyungsoo didn’t really think anything of it. They were just teasing.”

“Let’s just go,” Jongdae says, rolling his eyes.

“Not until you tell me you’re not mad at me with a smile on your face,” Baekhyun insists, smiling innocently at Jongdae and fluttering his eyelashes at him.

Jongdae stares at Baekhyun and can’t help but think about how beautiful he is. Not just because of his puppy smile, or how his skin looks like it's soft to the touch or because his dark eyes have something so endearing in them or because his lips are so pink and supple that Jongdae wonders sometimes... Baekhyun has this personality that makes anyone just like him. Even when he’s obnoxious and makes you want to smash his face on the pavement, you still end up liking him. Baekhyun is charming in that way, with his smiles and laughter, and Jongdae can’t help but think about how wonderful Baekhyun is.

“I am going to squeeze your neck until you—“ Jongdae starts.

“Okay okay,” Baekhyun immediately says, holding his hands up in surrender. Jongdae snickers. “Sheesh. Minseok and Kyungsoo know better anyway. They know we’re just friends.”

Something lurches in Jongdae’s stomach. “Of course,” he confirms. “So are we going to jog or what?”

“Last one pays for dinner afterwards,” Baekhyun yells gleefully as he rushes past Jongdae.

“Byun Baekhyun!” Jongdae shouts after Baekhyun and his peals of laughter.

They run. Baekhyun takes the lead and Jongdae follows him wherever he goes. They run on the main roads, which are empty because it’s Friday and most people have left campus to go and enjoy the beginning of the weekend or have gone back home or to the dorms to get much needed sleep.

In the beginning, they run side-by-side, with Baekhyun still teasing and laughing at the way Jongdae had reacted, until they drift onto other subjects, such as their classes, their friends, and how Baekhyun thinks there’s something going on with Donghae and Changmin. After a while, the conversations stop, the heaviness of their breathing making it too hard to keep talking. Baekhyun starts to run ahead of Jongdae, while Jongdae just tries to maintain the same pace even if his chest feels like it’s going to burst.

Jongdae isn’t really a fan of running. It seems so boring and pointless. Jongdeok always asked him to go running with him when Jongdeok stopped swimming, which is the only reason Jongdae ever got to his feet to run. Jongdae would do anything Jongdeok asked of him. Same with his mother.

“Feel better?” Baekhyun asks, panting.

Jongdae is on his back, not caring that the grass is sticking up his back and his sides. The sky is picturesque at this time of the day, the reds, yellows, and purples mixing together. It’s going to be nighttime soon.

“I think… there isn’t enough air in the world for me to breathe in,” Jongdae gasps out. They ran around the whole campus. Jongdae has underestimated how big their university is. Jongdae has also underestimated how strong Baekhyun’s stamina is. Although he really shouldn’t have. Baekhyun isn’t one of their best swimmers for nothing.

Baekhyun’s laughter curls around Jongdae and Jongdae closes his eyes to drink it in. It’s becoming one of those things that he’s committed to memory, one of the happier things, unlike the defeated slope of his brother’s shoulder when the doctor told him he couldn’t swim anymore or the tired lines around his mother’s eyes that’s been there ever since his father died.

“At least that’s a new thing for you to focus on,” Baekhyun tells him. Jongdae turns his head towards him. “Being cooped up in your room is not a good thing. Just because you’ve been banned from swimming, doesn’t mean the world is over.”

“I know that it’s not,” Jongdae chuckles, turning his attention back to the sky. It’s turning into a dark purple now. He closes his eyes at the rush of cool wind. “I was sick of doing school work all the time and I didn’t really know what else to do.” Jongdae hears Baekhyun turn to him but he doesn’t open his eyes.

“That is hard,” Baekhyun hums and Jongdae relaxes when he feels Baekhyun’s eyes leave him, “not knowing what to do.” He shifts on the grass, somehow moving closer to Jongdae. “The movie that made me fall in love with movies was ‘The Godfather’. I was 13 and it was being played on TV. My dad and brother were watching and I joined in. They didn’t want me to in the beginning because I was too young. But I was insistent and eventually my brother slapped the back of my head and told me to behave.”

“I’ve never seen that,” Jongdae comments, pushing his sticky bangs off his face.

Baekhyun flinches like he thinks this is a disgrace but doesn’t say anything about it. “I loved it,” he emphatically declares.

“What did you love about it?” Jongdae asks, curious. He’s always curious about why people love things and pursues them. Like Chanyeol and his art. Like Kyungsoo and his music. Like Jongdeok and his swimming.

“It gave something me and my brother and dad could bond about, for one,” Baekhyun chuckles. “But really it was the feeling of authenticity from it, the realness, of the world, of the relationships, of what being in a mafia family must have been like.”

“I knew you’ve always had tendencies in you,” Jongdae jokes.

Baekhyun makes a face at him. “The thing I loved most about it though, the thing that was most captivating about it, was the sense of leadership and ownership,” he continues. Jongdae can feel the fervor emanating from the heat of Baekhyun’s skin. “Michael Corleone, the youngest son, was a civilian. He was in the army. He didn’t want to have anything to do anything with the “family business”.” Baekhyun uses air quotes. “But then his father got too sick and he had to step in because Sonny—that’s the oldest brother had been killed—and Fredo—the second brother—wasn’t very bright. So Michael had to do it because it what was expected of him. And he did. Even if he didn’t want to, he followed orders and stepped up. Not only that, he did it well.”

Baekhyun takes a deep breath as Jongdae looks at him. Baekhyun’s cheeks are pink, maybe from their run, but probably from the excitement of telling the story. Jongdae thinks it’s a good look on anyone, passion.

“You know how sometimes you don’t want to do it, but you feel like you have to and you do it anyway and you do it well?” Baekhyun asks Jongdae. “It was like that. And the way he did it…” He shakes his head. “Al Pacino was amazing in it.”

It sounds like a really interesting movie, something familiar. Jongdae should go and watch it.

“I’ll go and check it out,” Jongdae voices out.

“The point is,” Baekhyun starts, turning on his side to face Jongdae completely.

“You haven’t made your point yet?” Jongdae asks, surprised.

“Sometimes there are things that happen that we don’t think is significant or life changing,” Baekhyun goes on as if Jongdae hasn’t said anything. “I didn’t know that watching ‘The Godfather’ would push me into pursuing film, but here I am.”

“Okay,” Jongdae slowly replies, brows furrowed in confusion. “Congratulations?”

“Just that,” Baekhyun sighs, frustrated. “I think you know what you want, Jongdae. You’re just not looking hard enough.”

Jongdae is quiet. He does know what he wants. He’s taking up architecture on scholarship because of swimming. It’s not bad to be obedient. It’s not bad to want to make his family happy.

“Thank you for the run,” Jongdae finally speaks up.

Baekhyun sighs, moving to lie on his back once more. “You’re welcome.”










“You’re up early,” Kyungsoo says when Jongdae walks out of the bathroom fully dressed, wet hair clinging to his forehead. It’s 6 A.M. There’s dried saliva on Kyungsoo’s cheek and his hair is flat on one side. “Does Chanyeol know you’re this excited to see him?”

“Hey,” Jongdae greets him a good morning, hanging his towel on the back of his chair, which Kyungsoo grimaces at. He laughs and Kyungsoo makes a face at him because it’s probably too cheerful of the sound at this time of day. “Well if I want to make it there in time for breakfast, I should get going.”

Kyungsoo nods. “Come back in one piece,” he says, shooing him away with his hands. “Go.”

Jongdae breathes in the fresh air that is so unique to early mornings. The sky is still somewhat dark, the first rays of the sun only starting to peek through the clouds. There is hardly anyone about, except for the lady who sweeps the fallen leaves off the roads. Jongdae smiles at her and nods a hello.

Chanyeol doesn’t know Jongdae’s coming for a visit. Jongdae didn’t know until the previous night that he was going to visit either. But they haven’t seen each other since they both started university and Jongdae thinks it’s a meeting that’s long overdue. This is the perfect opportunity to do so.

It’s not a long ride, only three hours, and Jongdae spends the time looking out of the window, watching as the trees flutter with the wind as the bus passes. He surveys the buildings and structures that they pass by and thinks about his dad. Jongdae has always wondered what his dad would have been like as he was growing up. What would he tell Jongdae? What kind of advice would he give Jongdae about his life, about his future? There are moments when Jongdae feels a gripping sadness at the thought that this is something he will never have. This is one of those moments. He’s always listened to what his mom and Jongdeok has told him. It always makes Jongdae wonder what it would have been like if his father was around to have a say as well. Because, sometimes, Jongdae feels that his father would tell him things differently.










Chanyeol is coming out of his building just as Jongdae’s taxi pulls up in front of it.

“What are you doing here?” Chanyeol blinks owlishly at him.

“Why are you up so early on a Sunday?” Jongdae asks back. Don’t answer a question with a question.

“I could ask you the same—oh right. Swimming. You wake up early for swimming,” Chanyeol corrects himself. He shifts his bag on his shoulder. “But really,” he presses, going down the steps to be on the same level as Jongdae. “What are you doing here?”

“Is it wrong to want to hang out with my best friend?” Jongdae shoves Chanyeol. “You were never going to visit me anyway. I had to make it happen. And unplanned is always better than planned with us.” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. Jongdae grins because Chanyeol knows him so well. “So where are you off to?”

“To get breakfast,” Chanyeol says as they start walking. “Are you going to tag along the whole day?”

“Yes?” Jongdae says, wiggling his eyebrows up and down, hoping that Chanyeol doesn’t have any plans for the day that Jongdae can’t come to. “Or we could just have breakfast and if you have something to do, I can always just go back early. The whole point was to see you anyway.”

“You did not take a three-hour bus ride just to have breakfast with me,” Chanyeol snorts. He shakes his head and puts an arm around Jongdae. “Come on. Breakfast and then I have some schoolwork to do.”

Schoolwork to Chanyeol means clocking in some studio time to work on his sketch of a naked guy, as well as finishing his abstract painting homework. Jongdae walks around the studio-slash-classroom, looking up in wonder at the paintings on the wall, as well as the paintings stacked on one side of the room.

“Those are practice works,” Chanyeol tells Jongdae, turning in his seat to watch his best friend looking around. “People come in all the time to work on homework or just something they’ve been trying to perfect. Some bring their work home or just leave it here to collect it later on.”

Jongdae can see that there are names on the backs of the canvas. “Do you draw and paint all day?” he asks, meeting Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Mostly,” Chanyeol confirms. “Most of my classes involve drawing and painting. But I also have Sculpture, as well as lectures for World Art and Visual Computing.”

“What do you draw about?” Jongdae asks, moving from the stacks of paintings to the front of the classroom, where there are thick hardbound art books.

“Well, right now, there’s a naked guy who poses in my drawing class and we have to draw him,” Chanyeol explains, cheeks a bit pink. “We have to know the proportions of the human body, that’s why.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever drawn a whole person before,” Jongdae comments, sitting down on the teacher’s chair and clasping his hands together on top of the desk.

Chanyeol shakes his head. “Just the upper half,” he confirms. “So it is quite a challenge.”

“Well, carry on then,” Jongdae says, waving at him to go back to his work. “Don’t mind me.”

Chanyeol looks like he wants to protest but does go back to drawing. Jongdae leans back in the seat and looks around the room. It’s just like what he’s seen in one of those movies that Baekhyun’s asked Jongdae to watch with him. It’s spacious, with brown, wooden floors and big windows that let the light slip in effortlessly. Light is very important in art.

It must be nice, studying in a classroom like this, drawing, painting, and talking about art and how the lines intersect to mean something or how the darkness and lightness of a shadow would make the subject more intense. Not that Jongdae knows anything about art. He doesn’t.

“Why are you really here?” Chanyeol suddenly asks, startling Jongdae out of his thoughts. “Did something happen?”

Jongdae thinks about Baekhyun and the way his voice scratches when he talks and becomes grating when he laughs and the way his eyes sparkle mischievously when he’s having fun. He thinks about the run they did and the conversation they had later on. “Have you watched ‘The Godfather’?”

Chanyeol blinks at him. “Once,” he answers. “Why?”

“What did you think?” Jongdae wants to know. “I have this friend who’s watched it and kept on raving about it.”

“It was action-packed,” Chanyeol says with a shrug. “Who’s this friend?”

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae shares. “He’s one of my teammates.” He’s wonderful. “We went on a run the other day because, as you know, I’m not allowed to swim.”

“Come and sit beside me, Jongdae,” Chanyeol says when Jongdae doesn’t continue.

Chanyeol’s pulled an empty desk right beside his easel. He pats it and Jongdae walks over. A sketchbook turned to a fresh page is on top of it, along with several Faber Castell 9000 pencils. Jongdae sits down and picks up a pencil, turning it around in his fingers. It says 4B on the side.

“What do you think it would have been like if we took up art here together?” Jongdae asks, unable to help himself. “Just wondering.”

Chanyeol looks at him like a fish out of water that Jongdae actually reaches out to close his mouth for him. “Well,” Chanyeol starts, coughing a bit. “I’m not going to say that it wouldn’t make me happy.”

“But…?” Jongdae can hear it in Chanyeol’s tone.

“You’ve never really shown interest in art,” Chanyeol tells him. “So I don’t know how that would have worked out.”

Jongdae laughs and looks at the empty paper in front of him. “Me too.”










Jongdae doesn’t know how he gets dragged everywhere by Baekhyun (although he really does) but here he is knocking on Baekhyun’s door to pick him up. Apparently, Baekhyun has some place that he needs to visit for one of his classes and Jongdae is supposed to come with him. For what reason, Jongdae doesn’t know. All he knows is that Baekhyun’s always fun to be around, so it shouldn’t hurt.

It’s not Baekhyun who answers the door. It’s Himchan, some guy from the diving team that hangs around with the team when diving practice is over or on break. Himchan is incredibly attractive with his black hair that’s as black as Baekhyun’s sometimes… which is tousled. Himchan’s hair tousled.

“Oh hey,” Himchan says with a smile, opening the door to let him in.

The first thing that Jongdae sees is that the bed is messy and that Baekhyun is fixing his hair in front of the mirror.

“Hey!” Baekhyun says. “I should have known you’d be early.”

Jongdae tears his eyes away from Baekhyun’s hair or the bed and looks at the clock. “I’m on time,” he says.

“Early,” Baekhyun repeats. He grabs his bag and shoves Himchan on his way to the door. “There better be not a mess when I come back,” he warns Himchan, who only laughs and closes the door when they go out.

“Come on,” Baekhyun excitedly says, linking his arms with Jongdae’s as they make their way out of the building. “I think you’ll love where we’re going.”

Jongdae wants to ask. He wants to ask about Himchan and what’s going on with him. Just like he’s wanted to ask what was going on with Kris, or with Sehun or with Zitao. But Jongdae knows it’s none of his business what Baekhyun does or whom he kisses. Even though, for a while, Jongdae thought that maybe… Jongdae shakes his head. There’s Himchan. There’s Kris or Sehn or Zitao or… There’s always going to be someone.

“What?” Baekhyun asks him.

“Nothing,” Jongdae answers. This is not the time. “So where are we going?”

“Some place that is either boring or fun, depending on who you ask,” Baekhyun cryptically states.

“That can be any place anywhere,” Jongdae complains.

Baekhyun just laughs.

An art gallery. Baekhyun has taken Jongdae to an art gallery. It’s more of a room than a gallery actually. It’s small, a bit cramped, but spacious enough for people to be able to walk around and be able to see the several paintings of varying sizes hung on the brick walls. There are also easels with paintings in the middle and the end of the room, by the windows. It has a very rustic effect. Jongdae likes it.

“What do you need to come here for?” Jongdae asks Baekhyun as he looks around.

“We have art classes, too, believe it or not,” Baekhyun tells him. “We have to visit an art gallery and write about it and relate it to the art of film.” He wrinkles his nose. “I don’t know. This is all very… abstract to me.” He puts his hands up and wiggles his fingers like magicians do.

Jongdae laughs. “It’s only abstract if you don’t know what it’s about,” he tells Baekhyun, who looks at him interestedly. “Let’s look around,” he then suggests. Baekhyun nods and links his arm with Jongdae’s again.

They stop in front of each painting and, every time, Baekhyun would make some asinine comment that would make Jongdae laugh before Jongdae would try to explain how he sees the artwork. After his explanation, Baekhyun would always look at him with some sort of wonder in his eyes. It makes Jongdae’s chest hurt.

They don’t stay long, but Jongdae thinks the time they’ve spent in the art gallery is well spent. He’s never really been to one before, not having a reason to go. But he’s glad that Baekhyun had a reason to go and that he’d invited Jongdae to come with him.

“So when would the topic of you being into art have come up in the course of our friendship?” Baekhyun asks on their way back to campus.

“I’m not into art,” Jongdae corrects him easily. “All I know comes from what Chanyeol tells me.”

“Chanyeol must be very good then,” Baekhyun says contemplatively. His lower lip is in between his teeth again. Jongdae doesn’t look.

“He is,” Jongdae agrees.

“So what does he tell you?” Baekhyun presses, leaning into Jongdae’s personal space, his cheek on Jongdae’s shoulder. It’s harder to walk like this, but Jongdae doesn’t really mind. “About art, I mean.”

There are many things that he thinks he’s picked up from Chanyeol over the years. But Jongdae the one that stands out the most is still the thing that Chanyeol told him the very first time.

“Expression,” Jongdae says. “Art is a form of communication and expression, as everyone knows that it is. Artworks always have some underlying feeling in them, why they were done, what for, what the artist was trying to convey.” He smiles when Baekhyun grunts. “An artwork is full of feelings.”

“Given that explanation,” Baekhyun starts, hesitant. “That drawing that I saw in your room…”

Jongdae swallows. It was a picture of a long, winding, rocky road with a man standing at the beginning of it, holding an umbrella. The sun is beating down on him, and the man looks weary and heartbroken.

“Boredom,” Jongdae tells him. “I was bored.” He doesn’t know when things started to become a lie.










The first dive after a long break doesn’t feel any different. It feels like it always does. The water is cold. Jongdae’s arm is feeling much better but Donghae isn’t taking any chances. Donghae’s put him in a lighter set of swims for his first practice. While the others are doing a lot of butterfly sprints, Jongdae has been given more freestyle swims, more mid-distance to long distance with a much slower pacing. Jongdae thinks it’s a smart way for Donghae to ease him back while still building his endurance.

“Hey slowpoke.” Baekhyun swims into his lane, ducking under the lane line, to get to the ladder. “What time are you going to be done?”

“I just have a couple more laps,” Jongdae says, averting his gaze away from Baekhyun’s chest. “Why?”

“Dinner at Kris’s house,” Baekhyun says. “Team meeting. Joonmyun likes giving his pep talks early.”

The meet is in two weeks. Jongdae’s lost so much time. He’s probably going to need that pep talk. “Okay,” he says, nodding. “I’ll be done soon.”

“I’ll wait for you at the school gate,” Baekhyun says, pulling himself up and out of the pool.










Kris’s house is a very good picture of opulence. It’s a three-storey house with a basement garage. It has a fountain in the front lawn and in the middle of the garden. They have an elevator because it’s apparently so difficult to go up three flights of stairs. No wonder Kris seems so lazy sometimes. No wonder everyone wants to be Kris’s friend. No wonder…

Jongdae’s eyes land on Baekhyun, who is talking animatedly to Kris, hands flying about as he tries to explain his point about something. Kris has a gummy smile on his face. Jongdae lets out a breath and looks away, silently wondering what happened to Himchan. He walks to the bar, where Victoria has made herself the queen.

“What can I get you?” Victoria asks.

“We’re supposed to have a team meeting, right? Not a party?” Jongdae asks as Victoria mixes a drink that he didn’t ask for.

“Everyone’s been working so hard,” Victoria says. “Don’t you think it’s time we loosen up a bit before putting our game faces on? Here.” She places a drink in front of him.

“What is it?” Jongdae asks apprehensively. He knows you’re supposed to trust drinks as long as it’s made in front of you. Except it’s pink and yellow. Jongdae isn’t sure he should trust a drink that’s pink and yellow.

“It’s good,” Sooyoung pipes in, joining Victoria behind the bar. “A special concoction by Zitao.”

Jongdae’s eyebrows go up. Now he’s certain he shouldn’t trust this drink. But Victoria and Sooyoung are watching him expectantly. They’re swimmers, too, athletes. They wouldn’t give Jongdae anything that would be harmful to him. So he drinks. He squeezes his eyes shut when he feels the burn go through his throat to his chest. It’s sickeningly sweet.

“Thanks,” Jongdae says when he’s recovered. Victoria and Sooyoung giggle. “I think I’ll grab a beer from here on out.”

“You’re no fun!” Victoria calls after him as Jongdae makes his way to the pool area, where, unsurprisingly, some of the members of the team are swimming.

Jongdae wonders sometimes if any of them ever gets tired of swimming, if they ever stop to think if this is really something that they want, if they ever feel breathless being under water for so long. Swimming just kind of really fell into Jongdae’s lap if he was even the least bit honest with himself and he just happened to be good at it. It had felt nice to belong, to have something that he can talk about with a semblance of pride and authority. If Chanyeol was the artist, Jongdae was the swimmer. In the future, Chanyeol will probably still be an artist. Jongdae isn’t sure what he’ll be. Would it be swimming or architecture? Jongdae doesn’t know.

“Are you going swimming, too? I think the pool’s full.”

It does look full, what with Zitao and Sehun having Yuri and Jinri on their shoulders. Joonmyun worries on the side, with Himchan laughing at him, that one of the girls will fall over and hurt themselves, while Taeyeon and Tiffany look like they’re contemplating on how to dunk Joonmyun under the water.

“Nah,” Jongdae says, shaking his head. His vision sways. Wow, what was in that drink?

Jongdae turns to the guy beside him. He’s around the same height as Jongdae, his reddish hair is styled up and Jongdae thinks he has a pretty nice smile.

“You’re not a swimmer,” Jongdae says.

He laughs and shakes his head. “I’m not,” he confirms. “I was supposed to be, but no, I’m Kris’s friend.”

Jongdae glances back in the house. Baekhyun is still talking to Kris. “I didn’t know he has friends,” he truthfully states. He’s already tipsy. Because of one pink and yellow drink.

“You’ll be surprised,” he says. He has a nice laugh. “I’m Myungsoo.”

“Jongdae,” he returns with a smile. They find a seat on one of the empty benches facing the pool. “So, Myungsoo, if you’re not a swimmer, then what are you?”

“Someone who’d want to take you out some time.” Myungsoo is very straightforward. It stuns Jongdae to laughter.

“You’re skipping steps,” Jongdae accuses him, but there’s a smile on his face and probably a blush on his cheeks. He’s never gotten used to people finding him attractive and telling it straight to his face.

Myungsoo laughs and tells Jongdae about himself. Myungsoo is taking up photography and is in choir with Kyungsoo. He and Kris have studied in the same high school, having also been a swimmer back then. But Myungsoo stopped because he wanted to focus on photography. When it’s Jongdae’s turn to talk about himself, Jongdae laughs and tells Myungsoo that all he is is swimming and architecture.

They’re in the middle of laughing because Taeyeon and Tiffany had finally found a way to dunk Joonmyun’s head in the pool with Himchan’s help when Baekhyun walks out into the patio.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says, placing a hand on Jongdae’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Jongdae greets back.

“What are you doing out here?” Baekhyun asks him. “I haven’t seen you all night.” He glances at Myungsoo, but doesn’t really acknowledge him.

“I was talking to Myungsoo,” Jongdae says, gesturing towards Myungsoo, who smiles at him. “He’s Kris’s friend. He’s also with Kyungsoo in choir.” He shakes his head. “I still can’t believe Kyungsoo is in choir.” The first time Jongdae found out about it, he couldn’t wrap his head around it. Choir seems something that would fit nice and gentle people. Kyungsoo is none of those things.

“You would if you’ve heard him sing,” Baekhyun says. He squeezes Jongdae’s shoulder. “There’s food inside if you wanted some.”

“Do you want some?” Jongdae asks Myungsoo, who shakes his head. He thinks about it for a second before he shakes his head as well. “I think I’m good, too,” he tells Baekhyun with a smile.

“Okay,” Baekhyun finally says after a silence. He’s frowning. Jongdae thinks it’s not a good look on Baekhyun. “Are you sure? Because—“

“Baekhyun!” Kris calls from inside.

Jongdae shifts in his seat so that Baekhyun’s hand falls from his shoulder. “You should get back inside and see what Kris wants,” he says.

Baekhyun looks at Jongdae for a bit before he’s walking back inside the house.

Jongdae wonders when his gratefulness for being friends with Baekhyun turned into something so… weird. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, which isn’t really a surprise, because there are days where he still doesn’t understand what’s going on in his life. Jongdae figures this isn’t any different.

“Are you okay?” Myungsoo asks, peering at him in concern. “Do you want a glass of water? I could get you one.”

Jongdae chuckles and shakes his head. Myungsoo is sweet. Very bold, but sweet. His intentions are very clear right off the bat and Jongdae thinks it’s refreshing and interesting. He likes that Myungsoo seems to be the type not to beat around the bush or not the type to go around and kissing other people and making things confusing like someone Jongdae knows. Not that it’s any of Jongdae’s concern of course. Not that it matters.

“I’m fine,” Jongdae assures him, eyes going back to the pool. Joonmyun is now swimming fast after Himchan, who’s scrambling to go to the other side of the pool so he can get off and run away from Joonmyun properly. “Tell me about your classes. What do you do?”

Myungsoo seems to be another one of those people. Myungsoo is a photographer who likes capturing moments because there are so many things that are happening that it would be difficult to remember anything. He likes keeping things, to relive them, whether happy or sad.

“I’d want to keep this moment,” Myungsoo tells him.

Jongdae chuckles. “And what kind of moment would this be that you’d want to keep it?”

“The moment where I finally had the courage to talk to you, hoping you would talk to me, too,” Myungsoo answers with an earnestness that Jongdae finds endearing. “The moment where you finally knew of my existence.”

Jongdae’s laughter is loud, filling his chest. “Does that actually work on anyone?”

“I don’t know,” Myungsoo replies, shaking his head. “I haven’t tried it on anyone before.”

Jongdae blinks at him in surprise, and then he smiles. “I think you can keep trying,” he says. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.










For some reason, Baekhyun ends up clingier with Jongdae than Baekhyun ever has been before. When they would normally hang out once or twice a week in the past, more if they see each other accidentally outside of campus, which happens often, now Jongdae finds that he’s with Baekhyun almost everyday. They stay behind after practices just to chat with their feet in the water or go out to eat cheap take-out. Sometimes Baekhyun goes over to Jongdae’s and Kyungsoo’s dorm room to watch those movies that are required for Baekhyun’s classes on Jongdae’s laptop. Other days, Jongdae hangs out in Baekhyun’s and Joonmyun’s dorm room and they do homework in silence.

Jongdae is surprised when Kyungsoo nonchalantly brings up Baekhyun leaving traces of himself in their dorm room. Baekhyun’s DVD copies, notebooks, and, sometimes even textbooks can be found lying around on Jongdae’s desk or on top of his closet or on the floor by Jongdae’s shoes. Jongdae has a scarf and at least one shirt of Baekhyun’s in his possession, while he’s seen Baekhyun walking around campus in one of his. But Jongdae can’t say that he minds. Baekhyun may be confusing, but Jongdae enjoys his company and wouldn’t trade anything else for what they have.

“You’re smiling by yourself,” Baekhyun comments, lightly pinching Jongdae’s ear.

“Am I?” Jongdae laughs, rubbing his earlobe.

“It’s weird,” Baekhyun says.

“This is a fact,” Jongdae reminds him.

“What were you thinking about?” Baekhyun asks, kicking a stone as they walk the path towards the park.

They’d just come from the library, where Jongdae had been trying to make sense of his Architectural Design homework for close to two hours when Baekhyun swooped in gallantly to take him out of his misery. In short, Baekhyun was bored and he needed Jongdae to help him get out of it. Jongdae had rolled his eyes as he packed his things while Baekhyun whined. Jongdae doesn’t regret it, though. Baekhyun makes it hard for Jongdae to regret things.

“Just stuff,” Jongdae vaguely answers. Baekhyun makes a disapproving noise, making Jongdae laugh. “I was just thinking about how it seems like yesterday when I was starting university and being introduced to the team and now…”

“And now?” Baekhyun presses, sticking even closer to Jongdae, their arms brushing against each other’s, because he has no concept of personal space.

“Now, midterms are coming and Donghae is grueling us during practices because the bigger meets are coming up,” Jongdae says, pretending to look stressed. He actually is frazzled with all the work he needs to do for his classes and trying to balance it with swimming at least a thousand meters every practice.

“Do you need help with anything?” Baekhyun asks, actually looking concerned. “You know you can get a tutor.”

“It’s fine,” Jongdae assures Baekhyun and himself. “I’m fine.” While extra help would be appreciated, he doesn’t think that he has time to go meet a tutor. Donghae has been very strict with coming to practice on time in the mornings and afternoons and Jongdae can’t afford to miss any more days. “You don’t have to worry.”

Baekhyun just rolls his eyes and pulls Jongdae to sit on a bench with him. This is nice, Jongdae thinks, as he leans back on the seat. Just hanging out with Baekhyun is nice. Baekhyun’s presence is like the big splash after a dive. It’s loud and leaves you completely drenched, taking hours to dry after swimming for so long. Baekhyun is hard to shake off like that, but Jongdae doesn’t mind. To him, Baekhyun’s presence is soothing, like an anchor that reminds him that everything will be okay even when Baekhyun doesn’t actually say anything.

“I get what you mean, though,” Baekhyun speaks up, “about midterms and practices becoming more intense.” He leans closer to Jongdae, their thighs touching. “I have essays to write for all my classes, not to mention that I have to study for written and practical exams for each one.” He slumps onto Jongdae, who doesn’t hesitate to put his arm around him.

“But you love it,” Jongdae reminds him, his stomach swooping like a tidal wave when Baekhyun snuggles closer to him, pressing his nose to Jongdae’s collarbone.

“I do,” Baekhyun agrees, voice slightly muffled by Jongdae’s chest. “I love all the work that we have to do, all the essays I have to write.” Baekhyun sighs happily. “I feel like I’m lucky to have been given this chance to actually study what I love.”

“Some people are luckier than others,” Jongdae responds, his fingers playing with the seam of Baekhyun’s sleeve. “Others never come close.” He pauses as he figures out what to say what he wants to say. “My dad was an architect,” he tells Baekhyun, who straightens up to look at him. Jongdae’s arm falls to Baekhyun’s waist. “A lot of people say he was really good. My brother looked up to him—still looks up to him—and wants to be the kind of architect that he was. I wish I knew him more.”

“What do you remember about him?” Baekhyun asks, leaning back into Jongdae’s embrace.

Jongdae closes his eyes. He remembers waking up and climbing into his parents’ bed, squeezing in between them. His dad would wrap an arm around him as he tries to fall back to sleep, while his mother got up to fetch Jongdeok from his room and bring him back for early morning cuddles with them.

“That sounds nice,” Baekhyun remarks, sounding wistful. “My mom left me and my dad when I was eight years old. After a couple of years, my dad left me to my aunt and never came back.” He pauses as if to think as Jongdae tightens his arm around him. “I think my aunt hugged me sometimes.” His laughter is dry.

Jongdae would never have guessed that this is the kind of family Baekhyun has. He couldn’t tell, couldn’t see anything behind those dazzling smiles and deafening laughter. Life can be so unfair sometimes. Jongdae wraps his other arm around Baekhyun and hugs him.

“You can always come to me for cuddles,” Jongdae offers, even though he knows how detrimental this is to his heart. But Baekhyun deserves to feel loved.

“Really?” Jongdae thinks Baekhyun sounds pleased as they pull away.

“Anytime,” Jongdae promises him. “If you ever need cheering up, I’ll always be here to hug you.”

“And what if I don’t need cheering up? Can I still come for hugs and cuddles?” Baekhyun coyly wants to know.

Jongdae rolls his eyes. “You’re a flirt,” he declares.

Baekhyun wraps his arms around Jongdae’s waist and presses his face to his chest. “Just with the ones I like,” he tells him softly.

Jongdae’s heart stutters in his chest before Baekhyun’s words register. The ones he likes. Ones. Not one. Not Jongdae. But he takes a deep breath, like he’s about to dive and swim the 1500-meter freestyle event where he knows he’s going to be so tired and his body’s going to ache afterwards, and wraps an arm around Baekhyun.

“Are you sad right now? Is that why we’re cuddling?” Jongdae teases him, trying not to think so hard about what’s happening and what he’s doing.

“No,” Baekhyun says, his hair tickling Jongdae’s neck. “Don’t you think happiness deserves cuddles, too? Are you happy, Jongdae?”

It doesn’t matter that Baekhyun is in his arms in a way that Jongdae would like to think makes Baekhyun his. Even if he gets just a small part of Baekhyun… “Yes,” Jongdae tells him. “I’m happy.”

“Me too,” Baekhyun whispers. “Me too.”










Jongdae is packing up his things, shoulders tense with the project that he needs to finish for his Fundamentals and Design Communication class. He mentally goes through his schedule and breathes deeply when he thinks about how it’s going to be so hectic because he also has papers to write for Culture and Community and Social Issues, as well as submit a topic for the major research assignment that he’s going to do for his Writing and Critical Reasoning class. Jongdae lets out a breath and slings his bag on his shoulder as he gets out of the classroom. How is he going to manage his time with all his papers and midterms and swimming practices?

“You look stressed,” Baekhyun teases, pushing himself off the opposite wall of the classroom.

Jongdae looks up and immediately brightens up at the sight of Baekhyun, who laughs at the sudden transformation. “Hey,” he greets him, forgetting his earlier mood. “What are you doing here?”

Baekhyun snorts. “You ask like I haven’t been coming by your classes to pick you up for practice,” he says, rolling his eyes. “What’s gotten your panties in a twist?”

“Nothing new,” Jongdae answers vaguely, putting an arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders. “What do you think Donghae’s going to give us today?” The other day Donghae made them swim butterfly the entire time and Jongdae missed his first class the next day because he was in so much pain and felt so tired.

“The competition is in a day so I’m hoping he won’t torture us much,” Baekhyun sighs as he kind of wiggles closer to Jongdae, which is difficult to do while walking, but he somehow manages to do it. Jongdae squeezes Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Jongdae asks. He shifts his bag as they go out of the building and start heading for the pool. “You’re awfully cuddly today,” he adds just was Baekhyun wraps an arm around Jongdae’s waist.

“Just tired,” Baekhyun mutters. “We had to watch this romance film, which was incredibly gorgeous.”

“Watching romantic movies is tiring?” Jongdae chuckles.

“Romance is tiring,” Baekhyun corrects him. “It was still a beautiful movie, though. Incredibly gorgeous. Wong Kar-wai is a genius.”

Jongdae manages to let out a laugh. He’s suspected as much. He’s pretty sure that someone who dates the way Baekhyun does isn’t someone who settles down and is a fan of romance or relationships. “Good thing it’s just a movie then,” he comments.

Baekhyun scoffs, pulling away as they reach the pool area. He opens his mouth to say some retort when he stops in his tracks. Jongdae trips.

“Oh, he’s here!” There’s laughter in Soojung’s voice. “Jongdae, Myungsoo’s been waiting for you.”

Myungsoo stands up from where he’s sitting on the lowest step of the bleacher’s beside Kyungsoo, who has an eyebrow quirked up. Jongdae is surprised. He hasn’t talked to Myungsoo since the party, which has been two weeks ago. All he really remembers from that night is talking to Myungsoo and, apparently, flirting with him, which no one in the team lets him forget.

Jongdae turns to look at Baekhyun to get some direction on what to do. But when he does, Baekhyun’s not there. Baekhyun’s already made his way to the empty space beside Kris on the third step. Baekhyun leans his head on Kris’s shoulder and Kris puts an arm around him in return, a soft smile on his face. Jongdae swallows. Just a minute ago, that was Jongdae in Kris’s place.

“Sorry I came without notice,” Myungsoo speaks up, interrupting Jongdae’s train of thought.

Jongdae blinks and focuses his attention on Myungsoo. “You… you’re really here for me?” he asks, with a surprised laugh.

“Whom else would I be here for?” Myungsoo scratches the back of his neck, such a shy and endearing action. “Because I see Kyungsoo too often and I don’t really want to see Kris in just swimming trunks.”

“You’re the only one,” Jongdae jokes and Myungsoo laughs.

“But yeah,” Myungsoo confirms shyly. “I did come here for you.” Jongdae gives him a curious look. “I, uh, wanted to ask you something.”

Jongdae glances behind Myungsoo, where the rest of the team is just hanging out, some starting to get up to go and get changed. Joonmyun waves an assurance at him that there’s still time before their coach arrives, a smirk on his face that Jongdae wants to slap off. Jongdae doesn’t look at Baekhyun, who is now lying down on Kris’s lap. Jongdae doesn’t care.

“What is it?” Jongdae prompts Myungsoo, smiling encouragingly.

“My class is having a photography exhibition for our midterms,” Myungsoo starts after taking a deep breath that Jongdae thinks is hilarious and cute at the same time. No one should ever be this nervous in asking him for anything. “I was wondering if you wanted to go this weekend. Because I have an extra ticket. Not because I wanted you to go as my date. It’s not that.”

Jongdae laughs, the kind that is uninhibited and loud. It echoes. Jongdae doesn’t notice Baekhyun sitting up from where he was on Kris’s lap. Because Jongdae isn’t looking at Baekhyun. “I’d love to see your exhibit,” he tells him sincerely. “But is it open on Sunday? Because we have a meet on Saturday and I don’t want to go there half-asleep after the competition.”

“Oh. Of course. I mean, yes,” Myungsoo says, chuckling nervously. “It’s open everyday. You’re free to go any day you want. You don’t even have to go.”

“I’ll go,” Jongdae assures him with laughter. “On Sunday.”

Myungsoo nods, grinning happily. “Okay,” he replies. “That’s great. I’ll, uh, see you then.”

“Thank you for inviting me,” Jongdae calls, waving as Myungsoo leaves.

“Jongdae has a daaaaate,” Zitao announces in a singsong voice. He situates himself behind Jongdae and wraps his long arms around him, resting his chin on his shoulder. This has him hunching around Jongdae.

“It’s not a date,” Jongdae interjects, elbowing Zitao very hard on the ribs. Zitao grunts and lets go, immediately running to Yuri’s open arms. Jongdae looks away when Yuri’s hands wander lower than Zitao’s ribs. “He just invited me to his photo exhibit.”

“Which he invited none of us to,” Sehun pipes in. He smiles when Jongdae shoots him a death glare.

“It’s an open invitation,” Jongdae insists. “I bet it’s one of those things where they get a good grade if a lot of people go. We should all go together.”

“Jongdae please,” Jinri says, shaking a finger at him, while Soojung laughs beside her. Jongdae calls Soojung and Jinri ‘evil twins’ in head sometimes. “Myungsoo was clearly asking you out. He went through all the trouble to come here and wait for you and then watch you get all cuddly with…” She turns and glances at where Baekhyun is pulling Kris to his feet so they could go to the bathroom to change into their suits. “The wrong person, clearly.”

“What are you talking about?” Jongdae asks, not looking at Baekhyun and Kris’s clasped hands.

“I don’t know if anyone’s told you,” Soojung pipes in. She leans in, as if sharing a conspiracy. “Baekhyun’s a bad idea.”

“I think we all know that,” Jongdae says lightly. He even chuckles. “But Baekhyun is Baekhyun.”

“Exactly,” Jinri validates. “Baekhyun is Baekhyun. There is no going around that. He will always be who he is.” She grins at him as she picks up her bag.

“And Myungsoo did ask you out on a date,” Soojung whispers in his ear before following Jinri to the bathroom. “You just answered the wrong question.”

Jongdae has always known this. He’s known that Baekhyun doesn’t do steady relationships the moment he saw him hanging out with Sehun instead of Kris at the party. It was even confirmed when Jongdae caught Baekhyun making out with Zitao at the library. There always seems to be no strings attached in all of those trysts because they just act like they’re friends most of the time. Until Baekhyun initiates something, Jongdae guesses.

Jongdae wasn’t looking for a relationship, for anyone special, when he got in to college. All he wanted was to do what he was supposed to do, which was attending architecture classes and swimming. There was nothing in his plans about getting into anything complicated with a boy, who lights up the room when he walks in.

He isn’t even really sure if he actually has gotten into anything. Baekhyun is the type to never let anyone get close. Baekhyun makes friends with everyone and makes people think that they know him and that they’re good friends. But, in reality, he keeps everyone at arms’ length. Even Jongdae. Maybe especially Jongdae, because Jongdae is someone new in Baekhyun’s life.

But Jongdae can’t just agree to go on a date with Myungsoo just because of the confusion that he has with Baekhyun. It wouldn’t be fair. Then again, why would Jongdae hang around when he clearly isn’t going to get anywhere with Baekhyun?

“Are you just going to stand there?”

Jongdae whirls around and sees Baekhyun giving him an amused look, where he has one corner of his lips curled up into a tiny, tiny smirk. It makes him want to maybe press his lips on the even tinier mole right above it. Jongdae hates that he notices these things.

“No,” Jongdae says, shaking his head.










“Hey stranger,” Baekhyun greets, walking into the room without so much as an invitation.

Jongdae looks up from where he’s buttoning his polo shirt and frowns as he glances at the door. He should really push Kyungsoo to agree to get that automatic locking system for their door.

“Hey,” Jongdae says, trying to keep his voice neutral. He hasn’t been hanging out with Baekhyun in a week, citing school-related activities as his excuses. Although Baekhyun probably hasn’t noticed. Jongdae noticed that Baekhyun has been busy trying to woo Joonmyun.

Baekhyun sits on the bed, less excitedly than he’s done in the past. Normally, Baekhyun would be sitting with his legs folded on his bed in less than a minute, already flipping through Jongdae’s homework or playing a game on Jongdae’s mobile phone. At present, though, Baekhyun is just sitting there, quietly watching Jongdae make sense of the buttons on his shirt. Jongdae doesn’t get why they make the holes so small that the button can barely go through them.

“Is… everything okay?” Jongdae carefully asks, letting his hands fall to his sides to rest for a bit when Baekhyun stays quiet. He’s only finished buttoning his shirt halfway through.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. “Why? Does it look like things are not okay?”

“You’re quiet,” Jongdae points out, grabbing his brush and going to Kyungsoo’s side of the room to look at his reflection on the small mirror and fix his hair. “You’re never quiet. What happened?”

“Nothing,” Baekhyun tells him. “I’m fine.”

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says warningly. He puts his brush back to his desk and sits down beside Baekhyun. “What is it?”

“Okay,” Baekhyun lets out a breath, his shoulders sagging slightly. “So I might need a hug.” He stiffens slightly at the admission. “Just a little,” he abruptly adds. “Nothing major. Because there’s nothing wrong.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes, chuckling as he pulls Baekhyun close to him, his arms automatically wrapping around Baekhyun. Jongdae has done this so many times that it’s become second nature to him, no matter how much it’s not supposed to. Baekhyun shuffles closer to him, pressing his forehead to the crook of Jongdae’s neck. He sighs contentedly.

Baekhyun feels nice in his arms like this. Baekhyun is soft and warm even when he’s all muscle and sharp angles due to years of swimming training. His skin is always soft to the touch, which makes Jongdae wonder sometimes if it’s Kris who taught him how to take care of it. Jongdae shakes his head and closes his eyes, focusing on enjoying Baekhyun in his arms in the few minutes that it lasts. Because it’s always just a few minutes. A few minutes where he gets to pretend that Baekhyun is his.

“I watched ‘In the Mood for Love’ again today,” Baekhyun suddenly speaks, startling Jongdae to opens his eyes. “I had to watch it again to be able to write my essay about lighting and cinematography and how it helps with storytelling.”

“What?” Jongdae asks, confused.

“’In the Mood for Love’,” Baekhyun repeats, softer this time.

“Is that why you came here for cuddles because watching another romantic movie made you tired?” Jongdae teases gently, squeezing Baekhyun’s shoulder. Baekhyun sighs. “Is it really that tiring?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says.

Jongdae is about to say something more, like maybe comfort Baekhyun by telling him that they should watch a funny movie or an action one later in the evening, when Baekhyun lifts his head up and pulls away. Jongdae feels the loss.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says, chuckling as he shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be keeping you. You have a date.”

That’s right. Jongdae has a date. With Myungsoo. Jongdae is trying this thing called having options and being more open, like Chanyeol had told him when Jongdae whined, carefully excluding the part about Baekhyun. Jongdae pushes himself off the bed and makes a face when he realizes he still hasn’t finished buttoning up his shirt. Baekhyun chuckles and stands up to help him.

“I hate these things,” Jongdae grumbles. “Why do we have to dress up for dates? It’s like putting on a front.” He tries not to inhale so harshly when Baekhyun’s fingers brush ever so lightly against his sternum.

“It’s not putting on a front,” Baekhyun laughs. He finishes buttoning Jongdae’s shirt in no time to Jongdae’s amazement. “You just want to make an effort. It shows the other person that you care. At least that’s what they say.” He pats Jongdae’s tummy. “You should tuck in your shirt.”

“Really?” Jongdae whines. “Why?” But he proceeds to do as suggested. “Just because you don’t dress up for someone, doesn’t mean you don’t care. You can show that you care in other things, too.”

“Like what?” Baekhyun asks and Jongdae looks at him because Baekhyun actually looks curious.

Jongdae shrugs. “I guess the simplest way to show that you care about someone is being there when they need you,” he shares thoughtfully. “It doesn’t matter if you’re in rags when you do it. The point is that you’re there.”

Baekhyun smiles and Jongdae thinks it’s almost wistful. “Well then,” he says, taking a step closer as he fixes Jongdae’s collar. Jongdae tries his hardest not to take the next step forward, even when Baekhyun’s lips are so invitingly close. Because if he does, he’s going to kiss Baekhyun and that’s not something he should do before going on a date with someone else. “Go and be there for Myungsoo.”

Jongdae squeezes his eyes shut and hangs his head, taking a very deep breath, when Baekhyun leaves him alone to finish preparing for his date. This feels so unfair. It feels so unfair to be so close to having Baekhyun, to have this vision of happiness at his fingertips, but not have it. It’s unfair because Jongdae knows that he is going to keep hanging around, even if he has one foot out the door.










Jongdae should really be in some place quiet, where he can actually think about Fundamental Design, and playing World of Warcraft with people who clearly have their shit together more than he does.

“Hey!” Minseok complains as Sehun sidesteps him on the game and gets him shot. “You didn’t even bother covering for me!”

“I wouldn’t have to cover for you if you’d bothered to listen to me and not go there,” Sehun retorts, rolling his eyes, lips pursed. “Now we have to start all over again. Please listen to me this time.”

“I’m older than you, punk,” Minseok grumbles but presses restart. He turns in his seat on the floor and looks at Jongdae, who has his face buried in between pillows. Baekhyun is beside him, reading a magazine. “Hey, Jongdae. Want to play?”

“No,” Jongdae says, voice muffled. “I’m just going to die here just like how my grades probably will.”

Baekhyun snorts and puts the magazine down on his lap. “Don’t be dramatic,” he says, running his fingers through Jongdae’s hair. Jongdae tries not to shiver at the touch. “You already have your outline and you’ve written half of it. You’ll be fine.”

“Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time going out with Myungsoo, you’d have more time for homework,” Sehun rags on him and laughs when Minseok shoves him. “It’s true!” He glances at Baekhyun, who’s placed his hand back on the magazine. “How many dates has it been? 10? Are you guys officially dating now?”

Jongdae wants to disappear into the sheets. He feels his whole body flushing and there’s nothing more he’d want to do than to not be there to take Sehun’s teasing. But before he can go and fling himself at Sehun, no matter how much he just wants to ignore him, Baekhyun speaks up.

“It’s only been four dates, right?” Baekhyun muses. “Jongdae’s a lot more careful than you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sehun interjects, sounding offended. He leans to his left as he tries to run his character to the left. “I’m a careful dater, too.”

“There’s nothing careful about dating,” Minseok scoffs. “That’s what dating is. It’s putting yourself out there.”

“You just date everyone that breathes in your direction,” Baekhyun retorts, grinning when Sehun looks back to glare at him.

“You’re one to talk!” Minseok blurts out, laughing. Baekhyun has the grace to blush.

“That was months ago,” Sehun grumbles. “Will you ever let it go?”

“Nope,” Baekhyun laughs and Jongdae sits up, looking curious.

“What’s going on?” Jongdae wants to know.

Baekhyun giggles when Sehun stares at him to shut up. “Sehun asked me out over the summer,” he shares gleefully. “He was very shy and very, very cute about it.”

“Baekhyun!” Sehun pauses his game and grabs the nearest thing within his reach to throw at Baekhyun. Which happened to be the remote, which Jongdae dodges with his wrist.

“Hey, no violence,” Baekhyun snaps as he grabs Jongdae’s wrist carefully. It’s red and would have a bruise in a matter of minutes. “Besides, you really were cute.”

“If you don’t shut up, I’m going to throw the whole Playstation set at you,” Sehun warns him. “I don’t even care if Jongdae dies for it.”

“Sehun is touchy about getting his heart broken,” Minseok comments and ducks when Sehun moves to slap the back of his head.

“That’s why you should be careful in dating,” Baekhyun repeats, glancing at Jongdae meaningfully.

“But Myungsoo is a nice guy,” Jongdae defends Myungsoo. Myungsoo has been nothing but sweet and such a gentleman to him. He tries to hard to make Jongdae happy that Jongdae doesn’t know if he should keep on trying for something that may have been pointless in the first place.

Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. “Is that all you’re looking for a guy? Someone nice?” he says. “Myungsoo cheats in his classes, you know, like during tests.”

“Here we go,” Sehun mutters, going back to the game. Minseok snickers beside him.

Jongdae gives Baekhyun an incredulous look. He’s not entirely sure why Baekhyun is giving him dating lessons about being careful and being picky when Baekhyun himself doesn’t seem to be doing that.

“If that’s your definition of nice…” Baekhyun continues.

“Everyone cheats on tests at least once in their life,” Jongdae counters. “That doesn’t mean he’s not a good boyfriend.” He actually thinks that Myungsoo would make a very good boyfriend, with how attentive and caring and loyal he is. It helps that he’s also attractive.

Baekhyun raises his hands up in surrender as he gets off the bed. “All I’m saying is that you should get to know him better,” he maintains, smiling innocently.

“What do you think I’ve been doing?” Jongdae yells as Baekhyun leaves the room. He slumps back into the pillows, cradling his wrist.

“You’re wasting your time,” Sehun comments offhandedly.

“With what?” Jongdae demands. “That remote control was uncalled for. What if you actually hit Baekhyun?”

“Like I said,” Sehun mutters. “Wasting your time.”

Jongdae frowns at the back of Sehun’s head, imagining what it would be like if it exploded. He thinks it would do the world some good. The world needs less snark and irritation in this world.

When Baekhyun comes back into the room, he has an ice pack in his hand. He climbs back on the bed, gently takes Jongdae’s wrist and places the ice pack on it. “You should always be careful,” he tells him. “How are you going to swim if you get yourself injured?”

“It was Sehun’s fault!” Jongdae whines. But there’s something lodged in his throat. He watches as Baekhyun’s slim fingers carefully wrap themselves on the skin just above his wrist as he concentrates on icing the now purpling bruise. Baekhyun really is soft on the inside. Now all Jongdae wants to do is to find out just how soft Baekhyun is. “So… do you not like Myungsoo or something?” he asks, more quietly, hoping that Sehun and Minseok wouldn’t hear above the sounds of the game.

Baekhyun looks startled, the ice pack almost slipping from his hand. “It’s not that,” he says, glancing up at Jongdae before returning his attention to icing Jongdae’s wrist. “I just think that you shouldn’t move so fast,” he states delicately. “Myungsoo is so…” Baekhyun wrinkles his nose in such a cute way that Jongdae is actually unable to stop himself from reaching up and pinching it. “Hey,” Baekhyun whimpers.

“Stop trying to act cute,” Jongdae says, chuckling. “Myungsoo is so what?”

“I just think that maybe your personalities don’t… jive,” Baekhyun finally says, more serious than he was earlier. He stares down for a second before looking up to meet Jongdae’s eyes.

Baekhyun is looking at Jongdae like he’s trying to tell him something, like maybe… Jongdae pushes the thought down and squashes it. Baekhyun is Baekhyun. “Well I guess I’ll just have to make sure that we jive,” he says, shrugging and icing his wrist himself when Baekhyun lets go.

Myungsoo is a good guy and Jongdae deserves good things once in a while.










Jongdae is on his way back to his dorm from a study group session (where he’s glad he had because it’s there that he realized that he’s the only one struggling) when he passes by a bakeshop. It would be weird, and it probably really is, that the first thing he thought of was how Baekhyun would love those macaroons. While Baekhyun likes anything that’s food, Jongdae knows that Baekhyun has quite a sweet tooth too no matter how much he denies it. But even if Baekhyun doesn’t like sweets, Jongdae thinks giving Baekhyun something is still a good idea (even if it’s actually a bad idea).

He walks inside the bakeshop and orders one box of a dozen macaroons of varying flavors and smiles, feeling pleased with himself. Jongdae remembers Baekhyun’s face when he gave Baekhyun some of the ones that Myungsoo bought for Jongdae. If only that kind of happiness appeared on Baekhyun’s face whenever Jongdae was with Baekhyun.

When the lady behind the counter wraps up Jongdae’s purchase and hands it to him, he goes back to the dormitories with more excitement than he had earlier. He’d only been planning to go back to his room to just crash onto his bed. But he thinks it’s better that he sees Baekhyun first.

There’s laughter inside when Jongdae knocks.

“It’s open!” Baekhyun calls and Jongdae pushes it open, only to find Himchan’s arms around Baekhyun, who has a guitar on his lap.

“Hey!” Baekhyun greets him, jumping up and handing the guitar to Himchan, who grins at Jongdae. “What’s this?”

Jongdae doesn’t register the question and just stares at the space on the bed that Baekhyun has just vacated. Himchan had his arms around Baekhyun. So he’s the guy of the moment. Of course there was always going to be someone. There is always going to be someone. Why isn’t Jongdae used to it by now?

“Jongdae?” Baekhyun touches his arm, peering at him curiously.

“Oh.” Jongdae snaps out of his trance and hands him the box. “I, uh, this is for you,” he stammers. Himchan raises an eyebrow. “It’s from the bakeshop near the outskirts of campus. I thought you might want some since you enjoyed the ones I gave you…” He shakes his head. “Those are for you.”

Baekhyun lets out a pleased noise as he opens it to find the macaroons nestling deliciously beside each other, all waiting to be eaten. He looks at Jongdae and smiles at him. “You bought them for me?” he asks, lashes fluttering on his cheek.

Jongdae looks away and shoves his hands in his pockets. “Yeah,” he says. He turns to the door. “I have to go.”

“You don’t have to go,” Baekhyun says, reaching for his hand, which Jongdae pulls out of reach. Baekhyun frowns. “Joonmyun just went out to buy food. You can eat with us.”

“No thanks,” Jongdae says a bit too snappishly. He doesn’t really want to be a witness to Baekhyun and Himchan being together. He sighs in apology when he sees Baekhyun’s eyes widen. “I’m just tired. I came from a study session. I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Without eating anything?” Baekhyun is frowning. He makes it so hard for Jongdae when he acts concerned like this.

“Yeah,” Jongdae assures him. “Don’t worry, I’m not that hungry. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiles a little and waves at Himchan, who gives him a serious, almost calculating, nod. Great, now Himchan feels threatened.

Jongdae slips his right hand out of his pocket, clutching his phone on hand, as soon as he closes the door behind him. It’s quiet on the other side. He dials a number and closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath. It’s not fair, but Jongdae needs someone to talk to right now, someone with a physical presence that Chanyeol can’t give.

“Hey, Myungsoo,” Jongdae starts. “Do you think we could hang out?”










It’s hot. Jongdae’s shirt is sticking to his back even as the wind blows properly in their direction. He wraps his arms around himself, resting his forehead on his arms. He feels cold anyway. There is so much good that’s going for him; he’s coping better with college than he originally expected to. His swimming records are excellent and while he’s not performing academically the way he should be performing, it’s still okay. He hasn’t failed yet and that’s a good thing. But Jongdae really just has to get into a situation of unrequited love, which is something he hasn’t prepared himself for. He’s always been wary of relationships because they do bring trouble, because he doesn’t have time for them. Jongdae doesn’t have the luxury of getting his heart broken because he’s not sure if he can put it back together.

What exactly is different with Byun Baekhyun? Baekhyun isn’t anything extraordinary. He’s not even taller than Jongdae. He’s not more muscular or heavier, doesn’t even look like he can protect Jongdae better than Jongdae can protect Baekhyun. He’s not overly sweet or particularly caring, although he does have his moments. Baekhyun’s voice can get annoying, especially when he laughs too loud, which he does too often. He’s always teasing Jongdae, always making fun of him, always dragging him to do things when Jongdae should be doing homework instead. All in all Baekhyun doesn’t seem like that great of a person. But it looks like Jongdae is doomed because he’s in love with him anyway.

Jongdae snorts, tightening his arms around himself. He just had to fall for someone who had commitment issues.

“Hey, are you alright?” Jongdae looks up as Myungsoo takes off his jacket and drapes it around Jongdae’s shoulders before sitting beside him. “Sorry it took me a while. I had to get out of choir practice. I had to bribe Kyungsoo to cover for me. What happened?”

“Sorry,” Jongdae mutters, resting his head sideways so he can look at Myungsoo while talking to him. “Kyungsoo’s never going to let you forget this. Or me, for that matter.”

Myungsoo waves it off dismissively. “But what’s wrong? You sounded so miserable over the phone.”

Jongdae shakes his head and smiles. “I’m okay now,” he lies.

Myungsoo studies him, his eyes moving over Jongdae’s face thoughtfully, and Jongdae has to fight to keep looking at him. He hopes that Myungsoo doesn’t see anything that Jongdae doesn’t want him to see. Jongdae really doesn’t want to hurt Myungsoo, but he wants to be selfish for now, as bad as that may sound.

“Do you want to go for a walk? Maybe get ice cream?” Myungsoo then suggests.

Jongdae agrees, straightening up. He moves to return Myungsoo’s jacket to him, but Myungsoo just wraps it around Jongdae’s shoulder again.

“It’s okay. Keep it for now,” Myungsoo says. “You need the warmth.”

Jongdae wonders what it takes for a person to fall into things, what it takes for someone to start liking something or someone and how someone comes to a decision to push through with it. Falling in love seems like one of the toughest things to fall into because there doesn’t seem to be a decision point to it. It’s almost like you only realize that it’s happened once you’re already in too deep.

Jongdae mentally chides himself. It’s not right to be thinking about that when he’s with someone else. Myungsoo has been nothing short of wonderful. Jongdae should give him what’s due to him. Jongdae links his arms with Myungsoo, much to Myungsoo’s surprise.

“Thank you for coming for me,” Jongdae sincerely tells him. “Thank you.”

Myungsoo smiles, almost shyly. “Jongdae, with me, you never even have to ask,” he declares surely.

The simplest way to show that you care about someone is being there when they need you.

Jongdae thinks there’s another way to show someone that you care about them. It’s being there for someone without them having to ask.

Myungsoo gives him smiles freely, smiles that he never gives anyone else, shares his time with him without hesitation, holds him even if Jongdae doesn’t ask.

Jongdae’s heart hurts with the unfairness of it all.










Jongdae can see colors even when he draws in pencil. It’s something that he’s grown to get used to as he began to draw here and there over the years. Even when he’s not drawing anything in particular and is just doodling, he can see blues and greens and purples on the page. He can see how bright, how light or how coarse something is.

Right now, it’s easier, because the trees seem greener than he’s seen them, the sky a light purplish blue, with the white clouds so bright, they almost look like they’re silver. Even when Jongdae is sad, the colors are always exultant and cheerful. It’s a reminder to Jongdae that the world keeps turning even when he thinks it’s ending.

“There’s something you’re keeping from me.”

Jongdae is startled out of his stupor and blinks at Chanyeol. “What?”

Chanyeol surprised Jongdae with a visit this time. When he woke up early that morning, all ready to go and run for a bit before going for swimming practice, he found Chanyeol sitting on his desk. Chanyeol was playing a game on his phone as he waited for Jongdae to wake up. Kyungsoo had gone ahead and left early.

Chanyeol nods at his sketch. “Who’s that?”

Jongdae looks down at his opened notebook and sees Baekhyun. Well, it’s Baekhyun and how he’d looked like that one time when Jongdae took him to see the sunset by the beach. It was a random trip because Jongdae had been stressed and Baekhyun wanted to be spontaneous. Jongdae traces the drawing with his eyes and can clearly remember how the light shone on Baekhyun’s face, making him glow even brighter than he usually does.

“It’s Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, closing the notebook and keeping it in between his stomach and legs when he pulls his knees to his chest. “He’s a friend.”

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, for which Jongdae is grateful. They haven’t been friends in such a long time for nothing. Chanyeol knows exactly when to push Jongdae and when to let things go. But Jongdae also knows that Chanyeol normally wants to push. He just waits for the right time to do so.

“So I have this painting class,” Chanyeol breaks the silence, putting his sketchbook down to the grass in front of him. His voice gets this faraway, dreamy lilt to it that has Jongdae smiling at his best friend curiously. Jongdae already knows where this is going. “I had to go to the bathroom and when I came back class was over, and this girl, she was hovering over my work,” he continues and Jongdae smiles a little at the look of wistfulness that overtakes Chanyeol’s face. “She looked at me when she realized I was back and told me that I was bad at mixing colors.”

Jongdae bursts into laughter at how anticlimactic that was. But, of course, Chanyeol would find that endearing.

“She said it in the most judging manner, and I just,” Chanyeol recounts, bursting into laughter as well. “Jongdae, she was so hot.”

“I bet you asked her to teach you how to do it right,” Jongdae says and scoffs when Chanyeol just grins at him. Chanyeol would. Chanyeol is the type to act right away to get what he wants.

“What else was I supposed to do?” Chanyeol asks. “I wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass. We might never get the chance to interact again.”

“You’re in the same class,” Jongdae points out, rolling his eyes.

“I wasn’t going to take that chance,” Chanyeol scoffs, shaking his head. “Besides,” he goes on, pushing his hair back from his forehead, only to have it falling back down. “We wouldn’t be sort of going out now if I hadn’t asked her then.” Jongdae’s mouth hangs open at this. Chanyeol grins that lopsided grin of his as wiggles his eyebrows, which just makes his whole face wiggle. “It’s only been a couple of weeks, but still. She said yes. I think she likes me.”

“Would you look at that,” Jongdae says, clapping Chanyeol’s back. “Dreams do come true.”

“Of course they do,” Chanyeol says, suddenly taking a serious turn. Jongdae doesn’t say anything, just straightens his legs, his notebook falling to his lap. Chanyeol glances at it. “They do come true,” he repeats. “You just have to know what they are.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae just agrees, staring off to the other side of the field, where some guys are playing Frisbee. “Of course.”

“This Baekhyun,” Chanyeol casually continues with the conversation. Jongdae looks to his right, away from Chanyeol, because he is now starting to push. “Who is he?”

Jongdae has to force back a laugh because that question is both easy and difficult to answer. Baekhyun is too many things that Jongdae can’t figure out just how to describe him simply, without giving anything away.

“He’s my swimming teammate,” Jongdae finally says.

“Come on, Jongdae,” Chanyeol retorts, pushing at him. “You can do better than that.”

“But he is my teammate,” Jongdae insists, ears turning red. Chanyeol snickers. “What do you want me to say?”

“You draw him a lot,” Chanyeol points out straightforwardly, making Jongdae freeze. Chanyeol notices a lot more than Jongdae gives him credit for. Even from far away, Chanyeol still sees through him. “I don’t think you should be underestimating who he is in your life. Or thinking about him so dismissively.”

“I’m not the one who is dismissive in the relationship,” Jongdae states derisively. “Trust me.”

“So there is a relationship,” Chanyeol picks up and Jongdae purses his lips. “Jongdae?”

The boys are done playing Frisbee. They’re now just sitting on the grass or lying down, obviously having exhausted all their energies. Putting in effort can be exhausting, although Jongdae also knows that it can be incredibly rewarding. He just can’t really see anything rewarding happening any time soon.

“Don’t you ever get that feeling where you think you want something, but you already know that you’re not going to get it? So you just keep on doing what you’ve been doing because it’s not bad anyway and you don’t want to jeopardize what you have?” Jongdae rambles.

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol responds. There’s a frown on his face when Jongdae looks at him.

“I know it’s silly,” Jongdae chuckles, leaning backwards on his arms, palms on the warm grass.

“It’s not silly to want something,” Chanyeol corrects him. “I think what you have to figure out is if you really want it. Thinking you want something isn’t going to get you far. At the first sign of an obstacle, you’re going to quit.”

“What if that thing that you want is the obstacle itself?” Jongdae thinks about Baekhyun and his beautiful eyes and lovely smile and how it makes him sad that they would never look at him or smile at him the way Jongdae wishes they would. “What do you do?”

Chanyeol is quiet for a while and Jongdae closes his eyes to relish the silence. Even in the quiet, Jongdae hears Baekhyun’s voice and laughter.

“I think you should keep drawing,” Chanyeol finally says.

“What? That’s your advice?” Jongdae responds in disbelief. “What does have to do with anything?”

“It has everything to do with everything,” is Chanyeol’s answer. Jongdae hits the back of Chanyeol’s head with his notebook.










When Jongdae was younger, his mother told him that he should always aim high, always reach for the stars so that when you fall, you fall above the trees. Apparently, it was from some inspirational quote that his mother picked up in one of his father’s books. But it’s never left him anyway. He’s always known that excellence is something that he should strive for and nothing less. Mediocrity is unacceptable.

Jongdae thought he could handle his workload and swimming practices at the same time. He’s done it in high school and didn’t think that university would be any different. As it turns out, university is very different. Especially since architecture is a lot harder than Jongdae anticipated. He’s trying and he’s working himself to the ground because he knows how important his grades are to keep his swimming scholarship. Except his swimming is getting affected, too, because he’s so tired all the time.

“Is everything okay, Jongdae?” Donghae looks concerned and Jongdae hates that this conversation even has to happen.

“Yes, coach,” Jongdae assures him. “Why?”

Donghae hesitates for a second before sighing. “Your times in the last competition are slower than your previous ones,” he tells him. “I normally wouldn’t bring this up, but they have been slipping even in practice and during the recent time trials. Is there anything bothering you?”

“No, coach,” Jongdae lies. “I’ll work harder to improve.” Before Donghae can say anything else, Jongdae walks to the pool and dives in.

Swimming and architecture are the only things that he has. If he loses them, Jongdae doesn’t know what he’ll do. Jongdae doesn’t know how he’ll face his mother and brother and how he’ll tell them that he failed. Over something that he’s supposed to be good at.

Jongdae stays an excess of two hours that evening. He doesn’t want to take any chances. If he’s going to make this work, he can’t let his schoolwork affect his training. He’ll have to step it up.

“Were you trying to swim yourself to death?” Baekhyun asks, looking up from his phone, when Jongdae gets up from the pool. He pockets his phone and stands up to hand Jongdae his towel.

“I just needed the extra practice,” Jongdae says, smiling at him in thanks. Baekhyun never ever fails to make him smile (even when he breaks his heart) just by his very presence.

“You always think you need the extra practice,” Baekhyun reminds him, shaking his head.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asks, deciding not to comment. “It’s late.” He’s used to Baekhyun staying behind with him. But there are days that he still gets surprised, like now, because they haven’t really been seeing each other as much due to his hectic schedule.

Baekhyun sits back down and shrugs dispassionately. “We haven’t seen each other as much, you know,” Baekhyun echoes Jongdae’s thoughts. “I figured I’d stay behind just in case you missed me, which you probably did.” Baekhyun grin is so big that Jongdae doesn’t even have the heart to roll his eyes at him.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you missed me,” Jongdae interjects, laughter coloring his tone.

“So what if I did,” Baekhyun snaps, poking his tongue out at Jongdae before pouting. He crosses his arms across his chest.

“Really?” Jongdae’s eyes are wide. Because he was joking, but Baekhyun looks like he is serious about what he just admitted. “Are you…” He laughs, a bit nervously. “Why would you miss me? We see each other all the time.”

“Not like before,” Baekhyun retorts, arms still crossed. “You’re always so busy, with school and Myungsoo.” He makes a face at him. “You never have time for other people anymore.”

Something blooms in Jongdae’s chest that he’s tried so hard to stamp down. It’s not healthy to cultivate those feelings. Hope really can breed eternal misery and Jongdae doesn’t want that to happen to him.

Jongdae laughs it off. “You, of all people, should know that I will always make time for you,” he tells him, pulling Baekhyun close. It’s interesting how Baekhyun doesn’t protest even though Jongdae is still wet. “You only just have to ask.”

“Well I’m asking now,” Baekhyun immediately responds. He wraps his arms around Jongdae’s bare waist and buries his face in Jongdae’s bare chest. Jongdae is too naked for this. “Please make time for me.”

Jongdae trips over his laughter and coughs a bit. Baekhyun missing him like this, wanting his time, attention and affections make him feel like he’s floating on cloud nine with a very pretty silver lining.

“Yes,” Jongdae assents softly, hugging Baekhyun in return. “You have my word.” You have me. “You’ll have my time anytime you ask.” You’ll always have me. “I’m always here for you.” I’m yours.

Jongdae presses a very soft kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead. Baekhyun rewards him with a kiss to his neck.

Jongdae swallows apprehensively and hopes that Baekhyun doesn’t feel the way Jongdae’s heart is fluttering relentlessly in his chest.






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