airplanewishes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
airplanewishes) wrote2012-11-28 02:27 am
airplanewishes) wrote2012-11-28 02:27 am
counting stars on the ceiling [Suho/Chanyeol] (3/3)
counting stars on the ceiling
EXO | Suho/Chanyeol | PG-13 | 12,450w
Angst, Romance, Friendship
The emotions he’s been holding back for so long are brimming at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass.
part 2
Author's Notes:
I blame all of this on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
maayacola. I commented on her lovely ChanHo fic, saying how I want more, and she was like "YOUR TURN!" as if she knew I couldn't back out of a challenge like that. ><
I intended this to be for aideshou, but I suck at deadlines, especially one as short as 2 weeks. Plus this kept on going on and on, making me agonize over it for days. So I'm really glad it's finally done.
I want to thankkhrysallis1106 for her patient beta work. Also to loudestoflove for the support and the ChanHo love. ♥
I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's not perfect, but oh well.
Comments are welcome. :)
EXO | Suho/Chanyeol | PG-13 | 12,450w
Angst, Romance, Friendship
The emotions he’s been holding back for so long are brimming at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass.
part 2
counting stars on the ceiling part 3
-
Junmyeon watches his reflection, and only his reflection, in the mirror. He forces himself to look at himself through their dancing in the pretence that he needs to watch his movement executions more than he has to watch the others’. This is still true, because he’ll never be a dancer. But he thinks it’s just really important that he never looks at the others because then, he knows, that his eyes will wander towards Chanyeol and that’s something he’s not prepared to do. He doesn’t know what he’ll find in that face, whether those eyes will tell him something that he’s already known all along.
“Alright!” Wu Fan’s voice booms across the room. Junmyeon jumps and stops dancing, along with the other members. “That’s enough.” Junmyeon thinks that Wu Fan meets his eyes in the mirror, but he can’t be too sure because he looks away almost immediately, telling everyone to take 10.
The members move out of the room to buy some snacks or drinks until the room turns empty. Junmyeon shuffles to one side and drops to the floor, burying his face and head in his arms. He’s so tired. This time it’s not just the physical tiredness. His mind is tired. His heart is tired. And too much of it links back to a certain long-limbed, wide-smiled, floppy-haired boy.
He and Chanyeol haven’t talked since the ‘stargazing incident’. Junmyeon is too afraid to even look at him because he kissed Chanyeol. He kissed him and walked away. He sighs and bites back a groan because even he is annoyed with himself for the way he’s acted and the way he’s acting.
“Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon’s breathing is stuttered as he looks up. Wu Fan is sitting beside him, his arms resting on his raised knees.
“Hyung,” Junmyeon responds resignedly. Wu Fan has the look on his face that Junmyeon knows only mean one thing: he’s going to get a lecture. Or something like it. All he knows that this is how Wu Fan looks whenever any one of the members has done something they’re not supposed to do. That, and whenever Tao cries over something.
“What’s going on with you and Chanyeol?” Wu Fan asks it so straightforwardly that Junmyeon actually flinches at the impact. He takes so long to answer that Wu Fan speaks again. “If you don’t talk to me, I’ll go to Chanyeol and—“
“No,” Junmyeon blurts out, shaking his head, horrified. “No. This isn’t his fault. Just… don’t talk to him.”
“Well then, why don’t you tell me,” Wu Fan says calmly. “What’s such a big deal that it has to affect our practices like this?”
Junmyeon knows what he’s talking about. Junmyeon’s so focused on himself that he keeps on forgetting blocking shifts and changes and ends up bumping into other members. There have been a lot of whines and whimpers from the other members from when he accidentally steps on their feet or hit their heads with his arms. Which just goes to show that he’s failing in his hopes of improving his dancing.
“I don’t…” Junmyeon hesitates. “I’ll do better. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“That’s not what I asked, Junmyeon,” Wu Fan patiently replies.
Junmyeon gives him a pleading look. “You don’t want to know. It’s not important anyway. It’s me. It’s my problem,” he insists. “I’ll fix it. I promise.”
“Fixing it by yourself clearly isn’t working,” Wu Fan gently tells him. “You have to tell someone about this because it’s only then that things will work themselves out. You need another brain to think this over.” He sighs. “Or maybe you just need to talk to Chanyeol.”
“I can’t do that,” Junmyeon squeaks.
“Well you just have to do something differently because we can’t continue on like this,” Wu Fan’s patience is wearing thin, and he rubs his forehead to calm himself down. “You’re the leader, Junmyeon. No one’s going to function properly if they see that there’s something wrong with you.”
Tears prickle Junmyeon’s eyes because he’s reminded how inadequate he is yet again. Hearing it coming from Wu Fan just feels ten times worse. But he nods because he is leader, no matter what happens, and he has to shoulder this responsibility.
“I’ll do something about it, I promise,” Junmyeon whispers.
“Are you sure—“ Wu Fan starts, but there’s a hand on his shoulder.
“I’ll take it from here,” Lu Han tells him breezily.
As Wu Fan gets up and leaves the practice room, Lu Han takes his place and lightly nudges Junmyeon, who gives him a weak smile.
“You don’t have to tell me again,” Junmyeon says. “Because, even if you tell me in Mandarin, it is what it is and I will do what I can to fix it.”
“What exactly do you want to fix?” Lu Han curiously asks.
“This thing with me and Chanyeol,” Junmyeon answers a bit impatiently.
“There are a lot of ‘things’ between you and Chanyeol,” Lu Han airily says, making air quotes. “Like the fact that you’ve been practically best friends since our trainee days and suddenly things became weird between you two just before we debuted. Or the fact that you two never even want to be in the same room with each other. Or is it because Chanyeol practically confessed to you and you decided to trample all over his heart? Or, hmm, what else, oh yes! What about the—“
Junmyeon coughs loudly and stares at Lu Han. “Confessed? What are you talking about?”
It’s Lu Han’s turn to stare at him. When Junmyeon continues to look perplexed, Lu Han’s eyes widen. “Oh you’re serious,” he sputters. “Oh wow. I didn’t realize… I don’t—why are you confused?”
“Why am I confused about what? You’re confusing!” Junmyeon just feels even more baffled. He doesn’t have a clue to what Lu Han’s referring to, although he can’t quite forget the fact about him thinking that Chanyeol confessed to him because… what confession was he referring to?
Lu Han takes a deep breath, shaking his head. “Can I ask you something? And can you promise to give an incredibly honest answer no matter how scary or painful it is?”
“I don’t think I want to anymore, but… okay,” Junmyeon agrees. He thinks he knows what Lu Han’s going to ask and he figures there’s no other time for him to be honest. Besides, Lu Han’s been his friend for years. It’s always comforting to be honest with a friend.
“How long have you been in love with Chanyeol?” Lu Han straightforwardly asks.
Junmyeon practically heaves as he gasps too deeply. He knew that he was going to ask something related to Chanyeol, but he didn’t think it was something like this, something that requires him to acknowledge, give weight and length, and explanation to how he feels, to how he’s felt for quite some time all at once.
“Why are you asking me something you already know the answer to?” Junmyeon sighs.
“Because I don’t think you yourself know or understand what’s happening,” Lu Han reasons. “Have you ever even acknowledged your feelings for him without any attached self-deprecating or doubting thoughts?”
“It’s not that simple,” Junmyeon whispers. Lu Han doesn’t understand because whether or not he has feelings for Chanyeol, it doesn’t matter if they aren’t sincerely returned.
“I can almost hear you thinking,” Lu Han practically growls. “You never listen to anything anyone says, Junmyeon, do you know that?” Junmyeon blinks at him. “When Wu Fan told you about that nonsense about you being leader earlier, I bet all you heard was you’re a failure.”
Junmyeon blinks because the tears are there again and Lu Han’s just begging for him to cry. “But I fail the group every time I screw up,” he softly explains.
Lu Han scratches as his head, almost pulling his hair out in the process. “That’s not what he meant!” he desperately clarifies. He takes a long insufferably breath and turns in his seat so that he’s completely facing Junmyeon. “What Wu Fan meant is you’re the leader. You’re the leader,” he repeats when Junmyeon merely looks at him. “He means that when you have issues or emotional breakdowns, like what is clearly happening, the members worry about you, therefore, they stumble through things because they want you to be okay.”
“But that doesn’t make sense,” Junmyeon frowns. “I’m fine. It’s my responsibility to look after everyone else and if I’m not fit to do that, then everyone else stumbles. Because of me.”
“No,” Lu Han raises his hands as if to strangle Junmyeon but seems to think better of it and drops his hands to his lap. “No, Junmyeon. It’s like this, since you’ve made everyone your responsibility, everyone’s made it theirs to look after you. They stumble because of what’s happening to you, because they care, and not because of you.”
Junmyeon looks down and stares at the hardwood floor. It’s confusing because he’s never really been particularly close to anyone. Sure, he shares a room with Sehun, laughs with Baekhyun and Jongin, and talks with Kyungsoo; Yixing and Minseok teach him dance whenever they can, while Jongdae always runs through the songs with him; Tao and Wu Fan try to teach him better Mandarin when it calls for it, even Lu Han is patient enough to converse with him in his native language so he can practice. And then there’s Chanyeol, who’s always put up with him. He blinks and meets Lu Han’s knowing gaze.
“It doesn’t make sense,” Junmyeon says in quiet wonder.
“It doesn’t have to,” Lu Han smiles. “It just is. You just have to see and hear beyond past your…brain.”
“I take offense to that,” Junmyeon makes a face at him.
Lu Han laughs. “You should,” he agrees, his face turning serious. “It’s a problem.”
Junmyeon opens his mouth to retort before he closes them again. Because Lu Han is right. He thinks he’s been so wrapped up in himself and the pressures of this life that he’s forgotten how to take things as they are and not to over think them.
“Can I suggest something?” Lu Han speaks.
“What?” Junmyeon encourages.
“Talk to Chanyeol.”
It takes a while for Junmyeon to agree, but he does.
-
The next morning, Junmyeon promises himself to talk to Chanyeol. He thinks Lu Han just might bite his head off if he doesn’t. That, and he thinks that he can’t stand the cold war brewing between them. If he lets this silence go on any longer, things between them might go beyond repair.
He gets up from bed, brushes his teeth, takes a bath and walks to the kitchen with purpose. Their practices won’t start until after lunch so he has all morning to talk things out with Chanyeol. But when he gets to the kitchen, there’s no Chanyeol. He frowns in the doorway then smiles when he sees Jongin watching him.
“What’s for breakfast?” Junmyeon asks just as Kyungsoo places pancakes down on the table. He takes a seat beside Baekhyun and Sehun, who pushes a mug of tea towards him. He smiles his thanks and takes a sip.
“We need to go grocery shopping,” Kyungsoo says, putting plates on the table. “Jongin, let’s go after breakfast.” Jongin makes a face but agrees.
Shortly after, Baekhyun makes plans with Sehun to go to the M dorm and create chaos. Junmyeon smiles and quietly excuses himself from the kitchen, a habit he has whenever the members start making plans. Aside from not wanting to feel excluded, he never wants the members to feel like they have to include him in anything.
“Where are you going, hyung?” Baekhyun calls before he can exit the kitchen.
“I was just going to go back to the room to change, maybe get some practice in early,” Junmyeon honestly answers.
Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. “I thought Lu Han hyung said you guys talked,” he knowingly states and Junmyeon’s cheeks pink. Even Kyungsoo is watching him carefully.
“I’m not really up for going to the M dorm,” Junmyeon tells him sincerely, although he feels a bit embarrassed that everyone seems to know his issues. “I’ll do the groceries next week instead,” he adds, shooting Kyungsoo a smile.
“Chanyeol’s there,” Baekhyun tells him with a meaningful smile.
“At the grocery?” Jongin scrunches up his nose.
Junmyeon bursts into laughter. The members look at him in surprise for a second before Kyungsoo and Baekhyun follow until they’re all laughing.
-
People really do get wrapped up in their personal miseries and fail to notice the things happening around them, which are obvious to people who pay enough attention. Like how Lu Han suddenly became motherly, fussing over Tao and Sehun whom were both giggling over something on the computer, Tao’s hand gentle on Sehun’s lower back. Or how Kyungsoo and Jongdae are too closely huddled together over some magazines, teasing each other over girl groups, their hands tangle with each other’s but never really let go. Or how Baekhyun is practically on Wu Fan’s lap as they fight over the storyline of the show they’re watching on TV.
He nudges Minseok and nods towards the couples, more specifically Wu Fan and Baekhyun, around the dorm. “How did that happen?” he asks, not bothering to hide his surprise and curiosity.
Minseok chuckles as he looks up from the book he’s been burrowing his nose in for the past hour. “Tao accidentally confessed to Sehun a couple of weeks ago when Tao brought us to a wushu sparring thing and inadvertently knocked him out,” he fondly shares. “It was all very dramatic. Tao was crying and begging Sehun to wake up because he can’t live without him.”
“Oh dear,” Junmyeon mumbles under his breath.
“I’m pretty sure he also went for the I haven’t even told you how I feel about you yet line,” Minseok bursts into laughter at the memory. “And Sehun woke up and was all tell me.” He shakes his head. “I really don’t know how we know these people.”
“Or why,” Junmyeon adds.
“Kyungsoo and Jongdae have pretty much been dancing around each other for ages as I’m sure you know,” Minseok continues. Junmyeon nods. He and Kyungsoo talk about Jongdae a lot, which clued him in rather easily that Kyungsoo was very much interested in him.
“And Wu Fan hyung and Baekhyun?” Junmyeon blinks because this is so unexpected. He keeps on thinking back if there had been any signs. He couldn’t think of anything.
“That’s an interesting story,” Minseok sounds amused. “That actually started because—“
Junmyeon is hauled off from his seat, a warm hand gripping his bicep. He groans in pain, trying to ease the vice-like grip to no avail. It’s only when they’re out of the dorm does he realize that Chanyeol is the one manhandling him.
He finally gets a respite when they reach the rooftop and Chanyeol lets go of him and takes as many steps as he can to seemingly get away from him. Junmyeon sits down on the bench and watches as Chanyeol leans back on the railing, his eyes on the floor.
Junmyeon thinks that Chanyeol looks good like this, with his lean frame, dark hair plastered on his voice head, lower lip in between his teeth. He’s perfect, almost painfully so, and Junmyeon is back to wondering about whether he should risk whatever vestiges of friendship they may still have left over something like his feelings, which, in the bigger scheme of things, isn’t much.
He practically jumps in his seat when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out and frowns as he reads Lu Han’s message. I can hear you thinking all the way down here. Stop it. He considers typing back a biting reply, but chooses to turn his phone off and pocket it instead. Lu Han is right anyway. He’s thinking too much again and wounding himself.
When he looks up, he’s startled to find that Chanyeol is watching him, his eyes dark with something he can’t quite place.
“Chanyeol, what are we doing here?” Junmyeon finally asks, clearing his throat.
“I… I don’t know,” Chanyeol answers in almost a whisper. He turns around so his back is facing Junmyeon. He looks up at the sky.
Junmyeon stands up and joins him. “It’s too early and too hot for stargazing,” he teases lightly. “You can’t see the stars.”
“But they’re there,” Chanyeol blurts out.
“They are,” Junmyeon slowly agrees, glancing at him.
Junmyeon waits for Chanyeol to respond, but he never does. He closes his eyes, mentally cheering himself on, taking a deep breath for what he’s about to do, something he should’ve done a long time ago. He just wishes that he’s not too late.
“Chanyeol,” Junmyeon starts, but Chanyeol whips to face him, his hands resting on Junmyeon’s shoulders.
“There’s something I want to say,” Chanyeol speaks, voice rough. He hesitates for a second before gathering some courage and looks at him with a determined look. “I’ve been debating how to tell you this, whether I should or shouldn’t because things probably aren’t going to be the same after this. Not that things have been the same since…” His cheeks pink and he clears his throat. “Because really there are just some things that are difficult to explain. Besides, how do you tell someone whom you’ve known for so long that—“ He cuts himself off again and his stammering worsens. “I just… I think that… The other day, I don’t think I made myself clear… And you ran away and I thought—“
Junmyeon isn’t even thinking when he takes a step forward and kisses Chanyeol. He just couldn’t help himself because Chanyeol looked an adorable mixture of adorable and sexy as he tried to explicate his feelings, to which Junmyeon thinks is a verbal representation of his inner state of mind. He pushes these things out of his mind and focuses on how Chanyeol’s hands have moved from his shoulder to his face and how Chanyeol lets out a stuttery breath every time he runs his hand up and down his back.
When they pull away, Junmyeon keeps on holding onto Chanyeol to show him that he’s not going to run away this time. Now that he thinks about it, it’s amusing how he’s the one who ran away when it was actually Chanyeol who’d kissed him back then.
“Did you just—are you—“ Chanyeol struggles with his words and Junmyeon feels a surge of affection for him because he realizes that maybe Chanyeol’s been going through the same thing as he was.
Junmyeon now recognizes the signs that he’s been so blind to: the exclusive smiles, the special attention, the kind words, the encouragement, the obvious stares of the members. He’s been so stupid all this time just because he’s been living in his own head all along.
“Yes,” Junmyeon simply tells him. “Yes to everything.”
Chanyeol’s eyes widen in surprise. He opens his mouth to say something before clamping it shut and smirking instead. “What if I was asking you to sign your life over to me?”
“Was that what you were asking?” Junmyeon responds calmly, though there’s a hint of a smile peeking through the corners of his lips. “Because the answer is still yes.” Chanyeol groans but Junmyeon can tell that he’s surprised by that answer. He smiles.
“You’re cheesy, hyung,” Chanyeol shudders. “That was bad.”
“Oh shut up,” Junmyeon laughs, pushing at his chest. “You love me.”
Chanyeol catches the hand on his chest and tugs it gently, his gaze piercing into Junmyeon. “I do. Love you, I mean,” he clarifies and Junmyeon breath hitches because even if he has an idea of this, hearing Chanyeol say it makes it more real and eases the aches of his heart altogether.
“I know,” Junmyeon whispers, his voice breaking as sobs threaten to break out. “I do, too.”
He closes the distance between them, like he’s wanted to do a long time ago, and kisses him again.
-
They’re at that point again, where the stage beckons and the audience waits. They only have a couple of minutes until they’re pushed towards the stage to have the second phase of the biggest moment of their lives.
Junmyeon takes a deep breath. He’s nervous, just like that time when they were about to go onstage for their showcase. There’s a tingling energy in his body that he’s not sure how to contain, a mixture of excitement and nerves. He thinks back to how Lu Han had put an arm around him then and had squeezed his shoulders in an effort to calm him down. He takes another deep breath and shakes his hands. He can’t afford to break into sweat now. He’s practiced hard; they’ve all practiced hard. There’s no way anything’s going to go wrong that evening.
“Good luck,” Wu Fan gently elbows him. “This is your moment, leader.”
Junmyeon’s eyes widen first before they narrow when he frowns. “But you’re—“
“No, you are,” Wu Fan cuts him off with a soft smile. “We’re EXO. And when we’re EXO, you’re leader.” His smile widens when he sees Junmyeon’s eyes shine with unshed tears. He squeezes Junmyeon’s shoulder and winks. “See you out there,” he says before disappearing in the darkness to go to the other side of the stage.
Junmyeon’s still somewhat reeling over Wu Fan’s words, Wu Fan whom everyone looks up to, whom he looks up to, when Chanyeol slides in beside him, linking their hands together.
“This is it,” Chanyeol grips his hand as he smiles into the night sky.
It’s an even more special stage, because they’re under the stars that he and Chanyeol talk about so much.
“This is it,” Junmyeon agrees.
They’re finally on stage. He looks at each of the members. Jongin laughs, Sehun flicks a thumb up, and Kyungsoo blinks repeatedly, while Baekhyun winks. And Chanyeol, Chanyeol smiles that smile that he knows is especially for him. Junmyeon can’t help but think that Chanyeol is one of the brightest things in his life, a constant, never wavering, never withering. Because, despite, all that’s happened, despite his fears getting the best of him, Chanyeol never left and stayed true to his promise of looking out for him.
The lights dim and Junmyeon holds his breath.
The stars have never shined so bright.
End.
-
Junmyeon watches his reflection, and only his reflection, in the mirror. He forces himself to look at himself through their dancing in the pretence that he needs to watch his movement executions more than he has to watch the others’. This is still true, because he’ll never be a dancer. But he thinks it’s just really important that he never looks at the others because then, he knows, that his eyes will wander towards Chanyeol and that’s something he’s not prepared to do. He doesn’t know what he’ll find in that face, whether those eyes will tell him something that he’s already known all along.
“Alright!” Wu Fan’s voice booms across the room. Junmyeon jumps and stops dancing, along with the other members. “That’s enough.” Junmyeon thinks that Wu Fan meets his eyes in the mirror, but he can’t be too sure because he looks away almost immediately, telling everyone to take 10.
The members move out of the room to buy some snacks or drinks until the room turns empty. Junmyeon shuffles to one side and drops to the floor, burying his face and head in his arms. He’s so tired. This time it’s not just the physical tiredness. His mind is tired. His heart is tired. And too much of it links back to a certain long-limbed, wide-smiled, floppy-haired boy.
He and Chanyeol haven’t talked since the ‘stargazing incident’. Junmyeon is too afraid to even look at him because he kissed Chanyeol. He kissed him and walked away. He sighs and bites back a groan because even he is annoyed with himself for the way he’s acted and the way he’s acting.
“Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon’s breathing is stuttered as he looks up. Wu Fan is sitting beside him, his arms resting on his raised knees.
“Hyung,” Junmyeon responds resignedly. Wu Fan has the look on his face that Junmyeon knows only mean one thing: he’s going to get a lecture. Or something like it. All he knows that this is how Wu Fan looks whenever any one of the members has done something they’re not supposed to do. That, and whenever Tao cries over something.
“What’s going on with you and Chanyeol?” Wu Fan asks it so straightforwardly that Junmyeon actually flinches at the impact. He takes so long to answer that Wu Fan speaks again. “If you don’t talk to me, I’ll go to Chanyeol and—“
“No,” Junmyeon blurts out, shaking his head, horrified. “No. This isn’t his fault. Just… don’t talk to him.”
“Well then, why don’t you tell me,” Wu Fan says calmly. “What’s such a big deal that it has to affect our practices like this?”
Junmyeon knows what he’s talking about. Junmyeon’s so focused on himself that he keeps on forgetting blocking shifts and changes and ends up bumping into other members. There have been a lot of whines and whimpers from the other members from when he accidentally steps on their feet or hit their heads with his arms. Which just goes to show that he’s failing in his hopes of improving his dancing.
“I don’t…” Junmyeon hesitates. “I’ll do better. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“That’s not what I asked, Junmyeon,” Wu Fan patiently replies.
Junmyeon gives him a pleading look. “You don’t want to know. It’s not important anyway. It’s me. It’s my problem,” he insists. “I’ll fix it. I promise.”
“Fixing it by yourself clearly isn’t working,” Wu Fan gently tells him. “You have to tell someone about this because it’s only then that things will work themselves out. You need another brain to think this over.” He sighs. “Or maybe you just need to talk to Chanyeol.”
“I can’t do that,” Junmyeon squeaks.
“Well you just have to do something differently because we can’t continue on like this,” Wu Fan’s patience is wearing thin, and he rubs his forehead to calm himself down. “You’re the leader, Junmyeon. No one’s going to function properly if they see that there’s something wrong with you.”
Tears prickle Junmyeon’s eyes because he’s reminded how inadequate he is yet again. Hearing it coming from Wu Fan just feels ten times worse. But he nods because he is leader, no matter what happens, and he has to shoulder this responsibility.
“I’ll do something about it, I promise,” Junmyeon whispers.
“Are you sure—“ Wu Fan starts, but there’s a hand on his shoulder.
“I’ll take it from here,” Lu Han tells him breezily.
As Wu Fan gets up and leaves the practice room, Lu Han takes his place and lightly nudges Junmyeon, who gives him a weak smile.
“You don’t have to tell me again,” Junmyeon says. “Because, even if you tell me in Mandarin, it is what it is and I will do what I can to fix it.”
“What exactly do you want to fix?” Lu Han curiously asks.
“This thing with me and Chanyeol,” Junmyeon answers a bit impatiently.
“There are a lot of ‘things’ between you and Chanyeol,” Lu Han airily says, making air quotes. “Like the fact that you’ve been practically best friends since our trainee days and suddenly things became weird between you two just before we debuted. Or the fact that you two never even want to be in the same room with each other. Or is it because Chanyeol practically confessed to you and you decided to trample all over his heart? Or, hmm, what else, oh yes! What about the—“
Junmyeon coughs loudly and stares at Lu Han. “Confessed? What are you talking about?”
It’s Lu Han’s turn to stare at him. When Junmyeon continues to look perplexed, Lu Han’s eyes widen. “Oh you’re serious,” he sputters. “Oh wow. I didn’t realize… I don’t—why are you confused?”
“Why am I confused about what? You’re confusing!” Junmyeon just feels even more baffled. He doesn’t have a clue to what Lu Han’s referring to, although he can’t quite forget the fact about him thinking that Chanyeol confessed to him because… what confession was he referring to?
Lu Han takes a deep breath, shaking his head. “Can I ask you something? And can you promise to give an incredibly honest answer no matter how scary or painful it is?”
“I don’t think I want to anymore, but… okay,” Junmyeon agrees. He thinks he knows what Lu Han’s going to ask and he figures there’s no other time for him to be honest. Besides, Lu Han’s been his friend for years. It’s always comforting to be honest with a friend.
“How long have you been in love with Chanyeol?” Lu Han straightforwardly asks.
Junmyeon practically heaves as he gasps too deeply. He knew that he was going to ask something related to Chanyeol, but he didn’t think it was something like this, something that requires him to acknowledge, give weight and length, and explanation to how he feels, to how he’s felt for quite some time all at once.
“Why are you asking me something you already know the answer to?” Junmyeon sighs.
“Because I don’t think you yourself know or understand what’s happening,” Lu Han reasons. “Have you ever even acknowledged your feelings for him without any attached self-deprecating or doubting thoughts?”
“It’s not that simple,” Junmyeon whispers. Lu Han doesn’t understand because whether or not he has feelings for Chanyeol, it doesn’t matter if they aren’t sincerely returned.
“I can almost hear you thinking,” Lu Han practically growls. “You never listen to anything anyone says, Junmyeon, do you know that?” Junmyeon blinks at him. “When Wu Fan told you about that nonsense about you being leader earlier, I bet all you heard was you’re a failure.”
Junmyeon blinks because the tears are there again and Lu Han’s just begging for him to cry. “But I fail the group every time I screw up,” he softly explains.
Lu Han scratches as his head, almost pulling his hair out in the process. “That’s not what he meant!” he desperately clarifies. He takes a long insufferably breath and turns in his seat so that he’s completely facing Junmyeon. “What Wu Fan meant is you’re the leader. You’re the leader,” he repeats when Junmyeon merely looks at him. “He means that when you have issues or emotional breakdowns, like what is clearly happening, the members worry about you, therefore, they stumble through things because they want you to be okay.”
“But that doesn’t make sense,” Junmyeon frowns. “I’m fine. It’s my responsibility to look after everyone else and if I’m not fit to do that, then everyone else stumbles. Because of me.”
“No,” Lu Han raises his hands as if to strangle Junmyeon but seems to think better of it and drops his hands to his lap. “No, Junmyeon. It’s like this, since you’ve made everyone your responsibility, everyone’s made it theirs to look after you. They stumble because of what’s happening to you, because they care, and not because of you.”
Junmyeon looks down and stares at the hardwood floor. It’s confusing because he’s never really been particularly close to anyone. Sure, he shares a room with Sehun, laughs with Baekhyun and Jongin, and talks with Kyungsoo; Yixing and Minseok teach him dance whenever they can, while Jongdae always runs through the songs with him; Tao and Wu Fan try to teach him better Mandarin when it calls for it, even Lu Han is patient enough to converse with him in his native language so he can practice. And then there’s Chanyeol, who’s always put up with him. He blinks and meets Lu Han’s knowing gaze.
“It doesn’t make sense,” Junmyeon says in quiet wonder.
“It doesn’t have to,” Lu Han smiles. “It just is. You just have to see and hear beyond past your…brain.”
“I take offense to that,” Junmyeon makes a face at him.
Lu Han laughs. “You should,” he agrees, his face turning serious. “It’s a problem.”
Junmyeon opens his mouth to retort before he closes them again. Because Lu Han is right. He thinks he’s been so wrapped up in himself and the pressures of this life that he’s forgotten how to take things as they are and not to over think them.
“Can I suggest something?” Lu Han speaks.
“What?” Junmyeon encourages.
“Talk to Chanyeol.”
It takes a while for Junmyeon to agree, but he does.
-
The next morning, Junmyeon promises himself to talk to Chanyeol. He thinks Lu Han just might bite his head off if he doesn’t. That, and he thinks that he can’t stand the cold war brewing between them. If he lets this silence go on any longer, things between them might go beyond repair.
He gets up from bed, brushes his teeth, takes a bath and walks to the kitchen with purpose. Their practices won’t start until after lunch so he has all morning to talk things out with Chanyeol. But when he gets to the kitchen, there’s no Chanyeol. He frowns in the doorway then smiles when he sees Jongin watching him.
“What’s for breakfast?” Junmyeon asks just as Kyungsoo places pancakes down on the table. He takes a seat beside Baekhyun and Sehun, who pushes a mug of tea towards him. He smiles his thanks and takes a sip.
“We need to go grocery shopping,” Kyungsoo says, putting plates on the table. “Jongin, let’s go after breakfast.” Jongin makes a face but agrees.
Shortly after, Baekhyun makes plans with Sehun to go to the M dorm and create chaos. Junmyeon smiles and quietly excuses himself from the kitchen, a habit he has whenever the members start making plans. Aside from not wanting to feel excluded, he never wants the members to feel like they have to include him in anything.
“Where are you going, hyung?” Baekhyun calls before he can exit the kitchen.
“I was just going to go back to the room to change, maybe get some practice in early,” Junmyeon honestly answers.
Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. “I thought Lu Han hyung said you guys talked,” he knowingly states and Junmyeon’s cheeks pink. Even Kyungsoo is watching him carefully.
“I’m not really up for going to the M dorm,” Junmyeon tells him sincerely, although he feels a bit embarrassed that everyone seems to know his issues. “I’ll do the groceries next week instead,” he adds, shooting Kyungsoo a smile.
“Chanyeol’s there,” Baekhyun tells him with a meaningful smile.
“At the grocery?” Jongin scrunches up his nose.
Junmyeon bursts into laughter. The members look at him in surprise for a second before Kyungsoo and Baekhyun follow until they’re all laughing.
-
People really do get wrapped up in their personal miseries and fail to notice the things happening around them, which are obvious to people who pay enough attention. Like how Lu Han suddenly became motherly, fussing over Tao and Sehun whom were both giggling over something on the computer, Tao’s hand gentle on Sehun’s lower back. Or how Kyungsoo and Jongdae are too closely huddled together over some magazines, teasing each other over girl groups, their hands tangle with each other’s but never really let go. Or how Baekhyun is practically on Wu Fan’s lap as they fight over the storyline of the show they’re watching on TV.
He nudges Minseok and nods towards the couples, more specifically Wu Fan and Baekhyun, around the dorm. “How did that happen?” he asks, not bothering to hide his surprise and curiosity.
Minseok chuckles as he looks up from the book he’s been burrowing his nose in for the past hour. “Tao accidentally confessed to Sehun a couple of weeks ago when Tao brought us to a wushu sparring thing and inadvertently knocked him out,” he fondly shares. “It was all very dramatic. Tao was crying and begging Sehun to wake up because he can’t live without him.”
“Oh dear,” Junmyeon mumbles under his breath.
“I’m pretty sure he also went for the I haven’t even told you how I feel about you yet line,” Minseok bursts into laughter at the memory. “And Sehun woke up and was all tell me.” He shakes his head. “I really don’t know how we know these people.”
“Or why,” Junmyeon adds.
“Kyungsoo and Jongdae have pretty much been dancing around each other for ages as I’m sure you know,” Minseok continues. Junmyeon nods. He and Kyungsoo talk about Jongdae a lot, which clued him in rather easily that Kyungsoo was very much interested in him.
“And Wu Fan hyung and Baekhyun?” Junmyeon blinks because this is so unexpected. He keeps on thinking back if there had been any signs. He couldn’t think of anything.
“That’s an interesting story,” Minseok sounds amused. “That actually started because—“
Junmyeon is hauled off from his seat, a warm hand gripping his bicep. He groans in pain, trying to ease the vice-like grip to no avail. It’s only when they’re out of the dorm does he realize that Chanyeol is the one manhandling him.
He finally gets a respite when they reach the rooftop and Chanyeol lets go of him and takes as many steps as he can to seemingly get away from him. Junmyeon sits down on the bench and watches as Chanyeol leans back on the railing, his eyes on the floor.
Junmyeon thinks that Chanyeol looks good like this, with his lean frame, dark hair plastered on his voice head, lower lip in between his teeth. He’s perfect, almost painfully so, and Junmyeon is back to wondering about whether he should risk whatever vestiges of friendship they may still have left over something like his feelings, which, in the bigger scheme of things, isn’t much.
He practically jumps in his seat when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out and frowns as he reads Lu Han’s message. I can hear you thinking all the way down here. Stop it. He considers typing back a biting reply, but chooses to turn his phone off and pocket it instead. Lu Han is right anyway. He’s thinking too much again and wounding himself.
When he looks up, he’s startled to find that Chanyeol is watching him, his eyes dark with something he can’t quite place.
“Chanyeol, what are we doing here?” Junmyeon finally asks, clearing his throat.
“I… I don’t know,” Chanyeol answers in almost a whisper. He turns around so his back is facing Junmyeon. He looks up at the sky.
Junmyeon stands up and joins him. “It’s too early and too hot for stargazing,” he teases lightly. “You can’t see the stars.”
“But they’re there,” Chanyeol blurts out.
“They are,” Junmyeon slowly agrees, glancing at him.
Junmyeon waits for Chanyeol to respond, but he never does. He closes his eyes, mentally cheering himself on, taking a deep breath for what he’s about to do, something he should’ve done a long time ago. He just wishes that he’s not too late.
“Chanyeol,” Junmyeon starts, but Chanyeol whips to face him, his hands resting on Junmyeon’s shoulders.
“There’s something I want to say,” Chanyeol speaks, voice rough. He hesitates for a second before gathering some courage and looks at him with a determined look. “I’ve been debating how to tell you this, whether I should or shouldn’t because things probably aren’t going to be the same after this. Not that things have been the same since…” His cheeks pink and he clears his throat. “Because really there are just some things that are difficult to explain. Besides, how do you tell someone whom you’ve known for so long that—“ He cuts himself off again and his stammering worsens. “I just… I think that… The other day, I don’t think I made myself clear… And you ran away and I thought—“
Junmyeon isn’t even thinking when he takes a step forward and kisses Chanyeol. He just couldn’t help himself because Chanyeol looked an adorable mixture of adorable and sexy as he tried to explicate his feelings, to which Junmyeon thinks is a verbal representation of his inner state of mind. He pushes these things out of his mind and focuses on how Chanyeol’s hands have moved from his shoulder to his face and how Chanyeol lets out a stuttery breath every time he runs his hand up and down his back.
When they pull away, Junmyeon keeps on holding onto Chanyeol to show him that he’s not going to run away this time. Now that he thinks about it, it’s amusing how he’s the one who ran away when it was actually Chanyeol who’d kissed him back then.
“Did you just—are you—“ Chanyeol struggles with his words and Junmyeon feels a surge of affection for him because he realizes that maybe Chanyeol’s been going through the same thing as he was.
Junmyeon now recognizes the signs that he’s been so blind to: the exclusive smiles, the special attention, the kind words, the encouragement, the obvious stares of the members. He’s been so stupid all this time just because he’s been living in his own head all along.
“Yes,” Junmyeon simply tells him. “Yes to everything.”
Chanyeol’s eyes widen in surprise. He opens his mouth to say something before clamping it shut and smirking instead. “What if I was asking you to sign your life over to me?”
“Was that what you were asking?” Junmyeon responds calmly, though there’s a hint of a smile peeking through the corners of his lips. “Because the answer is still yes.” Chanyeol groans but Junmyeon can tell that he’s surprised by that answer. He smiles.
“You’re cheesy, hyung,” Chanyeol shudders. “That was bad.”
“Oh shut up,” Junmyeon laughs, pushing at his chest. “You love me.”
Chanyeol catches the hand on his chest and tugs it gently, his gaze piercing into Junmyeon. “I do. Love you, I mean,” he clarifies and Junmyeon breath hitches because even if he has an idea of this, hearing Chanyeol say it makes it more real and eases the aches of his heart altogether.
“I know,” Junmyeon whispers, his voice breaking as sobs threaten to break out. “I do, too.”
He closes the distance between them, like he’s wanted to do a long time ago, and kisses him again.
-
They’re at that point again, where the stage beckons and the audience waits. They only have a couple of minutes until they’re pushed towards the stage to have the second phase of the biggest moment of their lives.
Junmyeon takes a deep breath. He’s nervous, just like that time when they were about to go onstage for their showcase. There’s a tingling energy in his body that he’s not sure how to contain, a mixture of excitement and nerves. He thinks back to how Lu Han had put an arm around him then and had squeezed his shoulders in an effort to calm him down. He takes another deep breath and shakes his hands. He can’t afford to break into sweat now. He’s practiced hard; they’ve all practiced hard. There’s no way anything’s going to go wrong that evening.
“Good luck,” Wu Fan gently elbows him. “This is your moment, leader.”
Junmyeon’s eyes widen first before they narrow when he frowns. “But you’re—“
“No, you are,” Wu Fan cuts him off with a soft smile. “We’re EXO. And when we’re EXO, you’re leader.” His smile widens when he sees Junmyeon’s eyes shine with unshed tears. He squeezes Junmyeon’s shoulder and winks. “See you out there,” he says before disappearing in the darkness to go to the other side of the stage.
Junmyeon’s still somewhat reeling over Wu Fan’s words, Wu Fan whom everyone looks up to, whom he looks up to, when Chanyeol slides in beside him, linking their hands together.
“This is it,” Chanyeol grips his hand as he smiles into the night sky.
It’s an even more special stage, because they’re under the stars that he and Chanyeol talk about so much.
“This is it,” Junmyeon agrees.
They’re finally on stage. He looks at each of the members. Jongin laughs, Sehun flicks a thumb up, and Kyungsoo blinks repeatedly, while Baekhyun winks. And Chanyeol, Chanyeol smiles that smile that he knows is especially for him. Junmyeon can’t help but think that Chanyeol is one of the brightest things in his life, a constant, never wavering, never withering. Because, despite, all that’s happened, despite his fears getting the best of him, Chanyeol never left and stayed true to his promise of looking out for him.
The lights dim and Junmyeon holds his breath.
The stars have never shined so bright.
End.
Author's Notes:
I blame all of this on
maayacola. I commented on her lovely ChanHo fic, saying how I want more, and she was like "YOUR TURN!" as if she knew I couldn't back out of a challenge like that. ><I intended this to be for aideshou, but I suck at deadlines, especially one as short as 2 weeks. Plus this kept on going on and on, making me agonize over it for days. So I'm really glad it's finally done.
I want to thank
khrysallis1106 for her patient beta work. Also to loudestoflove for the support and the ChanHo love. ♥I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's not perfect, but oh well.
Comments are welcome. :)
no subject
I think the thoughts and feeling JoonMyun is going through is something everyone thinks at least once in their life. But the way you described it just made my heart clench and my eyes tear up. I really really enjoyed reading this.
(no subject)
no subject
I'm so glad Joonmyun opened his eyes in the end and got the happy ending he thought he didn't deserve. Thank you Chanyeol for never giving up on him ;~;
ALL MY LOVE TO LUHAN (and Wufan too) HERE.
can i say i love the titles you choose for your fics because wow too much feelings no punctuation lack of words too
(no subject)
no subject
\O\
/O/
feelings.
and such.
(no subject)
no subject
I'm happy for them and this is one of the few Joonmyun (of fanfictions) that I really liked. Thank you <3 TT *First time reading Chanho yay* I'll never be tired of you, never.!
(no subject)
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
the beginning made me sad because it really captured a lot of what i think may have happened ;;
i really loved wu fan and lu han's roles in this, they were fab <333
chanyeol is so so precious i just want to hug him and really i love the way you wrote this couple ;______;
(no subject)
no subject
i love how you portrayed the entire trainee journey and everything, it was so beautiful to see how chanyeol stuck with junmyeon all the way. i nearly bawled at the bit when chaneyeol was all "it's not worth it" and junmyeon was feeling lousy because OMG NO THEY ARE PERFECT TOGETHER OKAY THEY ARE SO WORTH IT
you are one of my favourite lj writers, thank you so much for posting this ilysfm T^T i know i don't comment very often but i do love you very much yes i do. <33
(no subject)
no subject
Your suyeol was so cute ;____; Oh so many Suho feels.
Enjoy this pairing so much I am so happy there's writing of it.
I enjoyed everyone's meddling in Suho's life because he's the leader *~*~*~*~
(no subject)
no subject
Damn, it's a wonder why Lu Han and Wu Fan have not thrown Junmyeon out of the window of the topmost floor of the building yet because the idiot deserves every bit of this.
But sobs, I love this, and I love you for writing this ;w; You're awesome♥
(no subject)
no subject
this fic
i just
i can't even or odd at this point
(no subject)
no subject
/snuggles
(no subject)
no subject
idek
"There’s only so much I can give when there is nothing left." i think my kokoro just turned into ashes BECAUSE IT HURTS IT HURTSSS SOOO BAAAAD OMFG
this is really nice! it made me smile/frown/cry + all other emotions possible = perfect!
i really like how luhan was always "i can hear you thinking from here" lmao(no subject)
no subject
UNNIR JSYK I DISLIKE YOU SO MUCH
(no subject)
no subject
I can't help but thinking some sentences might be happened. on joonmyun back on the pre-debut time, like how he is the longest member to debut and "never enough, never worth it" title that stick around his face, he and him being short and all of the skills lacking but whatever mtherfker he'll keep walking towards his dream and him being so determine towards his dreams OH THOSE ARE EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL TOWARDS JOOMYEON AND I CRIED READING THIS ;;______;;
And ALL THE CHANHO FEELS WOOHOOOO
(Mind to write how Wufan-Baek ended up together ? Pretty please ? *wink*)
You are so good in breaking my heart here take all ♥ ♥
(no subject)
no subject
this is amazing! and i really love it!!!!
i loooove the insecurities and self-doubting on suho part
and how EVERYbody knows he's overthinking things... again
and how wufan AND luhan has to work together to open that thick skull and all....
aaaahhhh brilliant! author-nim... no.. sonsaeng-nim!!!! i love you!!! keke
really wanna know what really happen at some of the events tho...
like how suho think the other members are looking only at kris when they're announced leader...
there have got to be reason why they did that? or is it only suho thinking?
aaa... whatever...
p/s:i'm the one who comment incoherently at aff... sorry :P
(no subject)
no subject
So, this was amazing. Like, I just read through the whole thing and didn't realize until the ending that my breathing wasn't working kind of amazing. Chanyeol and Junmyeon is a rare pairing, one that we sadly don't see enough of
omg please more because they are fucking preciousand I could vomit all of this back but I won't... because no.Basically, this story is you giving everyone Suho feels. That is my assessment. I love and hate and want to hold Junmyeon forever in this story, the feelings are that good. I really like how you captured him here. Usually we see Junmyeon as a side character, or kind of awkward/quirky but you made him extremely real and very much the mature constantly calculating person we often see on stage. And the internal dialogue with himself as well as flashes to his past just made hurt because all you want to do is shake the poor man and yell at him to stop hating himself and thinking in circles. It was interesting because I felt this story was just as much a story Junmyeon and his own struggles with life in general and self perception as it was a story about Chanyeol and Junmyeon finally figuring their shit out.
And Chanyeol. Oh my emotions, Chanyeol. Can we all have a Chanyeol like this? Please? Because caring, super observant and protective Chanyeol is amazing and I want one.
please?All of their exchanges were beautifully written and incredibly poignant.you say I write dialogue. I cry at yours and it's glory. I cannot evenAnd the Wufan Luhan talks were probably my favorite things ever. Because, well, Wufan... you tried. And Luhan is basically just all of the amazing
can we save him from that cliff now?AND THEN YOU PAIRED OFF THE RARE PAIRINGS AND I LITERALLY JUST FLAPPED MY HANDS AND MADE DYING SOUNDS. Because not only was there taohun (omg that entire interaction), and Jongsoo, but there was Wufan/Baekhyun and THEM.
please tell me there is a legit story that Minseok was going to tell and that someday we see thatAnd Junmyeon is a cheese. Basically this is amazing and I love you and this is late but crying emotions.
<3
(no subject)
no subject
Okay, I want to first say that Chanyeol and Suho have been so shippable lately. Along with KrisBaek.
Second, let me state how awesome a) this fic is, b) you are and c) Luhan in this fic is.
Yes. I approve so much.
Oh how I wish I had writing talent. My brain is full of creativity but it gave the writing department 0%. Now I'm stuck giving other people my ideas so they can write it.
LE FAILS AT LIFE.
i'm asking santa for writing talent this birthday.(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
this was so nicely written, sobbing at the suho-centric part because i swear they're all like that
and i want to punch suhoand it hurts my heart ;A;i have so many feels for this, and i loved your chanyeol as well as luhan ;;;; i really liked the story developement and the ending was really cute omg ;n;
(no subject)
no subject
all the feels rn
the part where chanyeol told him he was good at what he does and joonmyun realized that no one had ever told him that before ;;;;;
and then lu han's words of wisdom. i can definitely relate to thinking too much! lmao.
and the end when kris told him that he was the leader when they were exo :')
this was just so sweet!
(no subject)
no subject
i got so emotional here ;;; the way you described suho's mind here ;;;;; it broke me into pieces ;;; those words were like stabbing my heart brutally ;; i was in the verge to strangle joonmyun down and hit his head over the wall when he thought that he was worthless but thank to chanyeol who was always there held him, cheered him up, knocked some senses out of him and made joonmyun realize that he was something worthy and he deserved love from others ;;;; this's so beautiful but i do hope that it is not happening irl cos i swear i'll kill whoever mocking you joonmyun kkkk good job author-nim
(no subject)