airplanewishes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
airplanewishes) wrote2013-07-04 08:29 pm
airplanewishes) wrote2013-07-04 08:29 pm
Par Amor [Baekhyun/Suho] (5/5)
Par Amor Final Part
-
“Baekhyun?” Joonmyun’s voice comes through the line. “Where are you? I just got home and you’re not here. Did you buy food?”
Baekhyun takes a deep breath as she makes herself comfortable on Kyungsoo’s sofa. “I’m not coming,” she quietly says, eyeing Kyungsoo, who’s busy in the kitchen. “I have this thing and I can’t go this weekend.”
“What thing?” Joonmyun sounds upset and Baekhyun can’t blame him. She didn’t give word that she wasn’t going to be there.
“Just… a thing,” Baekhyun lamely explains. “I’m with Kyungsoo. She’s cooking for us in her apartment. Lu Han’s arriving in a bit.” She plays with the loose threads of Kyungsoo’s throw pillow and ignores how her chest seems to be hurting. Joonmyun doesn’t deserve this, but if she doesn’t slowly ease themselves out of it, it’s just going to hurt more.
“Baekhyun, what is this about?” Joonmyun then asks. Baekhyun thinks she hears the jingling of his set of keys and a door closing.
Baekhyun shuts her eyes and breathes deeply once again. “Maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a bit.” Or anymore. There. She’s said it. It’s best to be straightforward outright so there won’t be any misunderstandings. She hates that she’s doing it on the phone, but she doesn’t think she’d be able to go through with it if he’s standing right in front of her.
“What are you saying?” Joonmyun’s voice is rough. She hears another door slamming. “Baekhyun, you can’t just—is this about the other day? Jongin didn’t see us. If he had, he would have called me and confronted me.”
“I just think this has gone too far,” Baekhyun softly explains. “I don’t want us to regret anything so maybe it’s best if we take a bit of a break.”
“You can’t just decide these things for yourself,” Joonmyun barks. There’s honking in the background and Baekhyun wonders if Joonmyun decided to go for a walk to calm himself down. “That is not what a relationship is.”
Baekhyun covers her eyes with a hand as tears prickle in her eyes. “This isn’t a proper relationship, Joonmyun,” she tells him as quietly as she can. “We can’t keep on doing this. I don’t want to destroy your family. Your little boy, Hyunjin, I don’t want him to grow up in a broken home.”
When she starts crying, she immediately looks for Kyungsoo in the kitchen. But Kyungsoo isn’t there to her relief. Baekhyun gets up and moves to the balcony, sliding the glass doors closed. Breaking up is always painful. But breaking up when you’re not exactly sure if what you had was genuine just makes her heart want to burst into pieces. This isn’t necessarily a break up, but this feels exactly like that.
“Baekhyun, we have to talk about this!” Joonmyun demands.
“No,” Baekhyun makes up her mind. She breathes a shaky breath as her tears start to overcome her. “Let’s just stop this for a while. Take care, Joonmyun.” Before he can even reply, she ends the call.
Hiding her emotions is never her strongest suit, but Baekhyun thinks she does really well when Lu Han arrives and they start eating together. Sometimes she thinks Kyungsoo glances at her rather worriedly, but Baekhyun merely smiles back at her and continues on with the chatter.
In the middle of dessert, Baekhyun’s phone starts ringing incessantly. She ignores it for a while before Lu Han barks at her to just answer it already. Baekhyun grabs her phone from the living room and answers it without checking who was calling.
“I’m downstairs,” Joonmyun’s voice comes through. “We need to talk. Come down or I’ll come up.”
Baekhyun stares at her phone as Joonmyun hangs up.
“Is everything okay?” Lu Han calls from the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun answers promptly, coming out of her reverie. She picks up her bag and coat. “But I have to go. I’ll text you if I’m coming back.”
“Where are you going so suddenly?” Lu Han asks.
“Just out.” Baekhyun can’t think of a proper excuse at the moment. “I’m sorry. And Kyungsoo, your cooking was amazing as usual.” Kyungsoo merely nods and smiles at her.
Baekhyun hurriedly leaves the apartment.
-
Joonmyun is standing with his back to the apartment when Baekhyun comes out. His posture is stiff and tense, his hands shoved in his pockets. She slowly walks down the steps and warily approaches him. She knows she’s angered him, very rightfully so, but she’s more afraid that she wouldn’t be able to say no if he asks her to stay.
“Joonmyun,” Baekhyun calmly lets him know she’s there, placing a hand on his arm.
He spins around and faces her. Before she can say anything else, Joonmyun’s lips are on hers, unyielding and demanding. His arms wrap around her tightly and hold her firmly close. She squirms under his ministrations, squeezing her eyes shut as a sudden fear racks through her. Suddenly, it’s like he’s Kris with how he’s holding her so tightly it’s almost bruising.
“I love you,” Joonmyun declares when he pulls away and looks into her eyes. “I know you feel the same way even though you’ve never said it. This relationship is real no matter what you might think, and the way a relationship works well is through good communication.”
“Joonmyun, stop,” Baekhyun feebly pleads, taking a step back.
“Baekhyun,” Joonmyun continues, running a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. “You can’t just not show up and then break up with me through the phone. I was expecting you to be home because I had something to tell you and then you tell me that you’re breaking up with me?”
Joonmyun sounds so devastated that Baekhyun doesn’t quite know what to say. How does she pursue breaking up with a man she is so deeply in love with? How does she leave a relationship that she’s invested so much of her emotions and time in? If the three months that she’d forced herself to forget him is too little, a year of being in love with this man is now too much for her to let go.
“Joonmyun, I don’t know what to say,” Baekhyun whispers brokenly. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Tell me that you love me,” Joonmyun practically begs. “Tell me that you’ll stay.” Baekhyun manages to shake her head. “We can be together, you know. We can run away and live our lives far from here. I can file for divorce then and I can always visit my son in time.” He reaches for both of Baekhyun’s hands. “I want to be with you, Baekhyun. You are my fairy tale. You are my happily ever after.”
The offer is tempting. Baekhyun allows herself to imagine a life with Joonmyun, where he’s divorced and she’s separated from Kris. She allows herself to see them having a family together and being free to love each other. It is a beautiful life, but it is also painful because of it. Baekhyun knows it’s not possible.
“I can’t,” Baekhyun softly states, shaking her head and pulling her hands away from him.
Joonmyun grabs her wrist. “Just think about it,” he demands.
Baekhyun freezes up and fights to free herself from his grasp. “Joonmyun, you’re hurting me,” she whimpers and somehow this just sends her over the edge. Joonmyun immediately lets go, eyes wide.
“Baekhyun, I’m sorry,” Joonmyun hurriedly apologizes because he wasn’t even gripping her that hard. “I—“
“I’m fine.” Baekhyun shakes her head, taking another step back. “I’m sorry,” she then whispers, tucking her hands in the pockets of her coat. “This is not a fairy tale.” Baekhyun fixes her bag strap on her shoulder and tightens her coat around her. “Goodbye, Joonmyun.”
And for the second time in her life, Baekhyun walks away from Joonmyun.
-
There are many things that Baekhyun has walked away from. There have been educational and occupational opportunities, but also opportunities for friendships and connections. She thinks it has something to do with how she’s married to Kris and how he hinders practically every aspect of her life just by the way she’s so afraid of him. Kris is ruthless when he wants to be, which, in her case, is all the time. There are so many things she’s missed out on purposefully because she didn’t want her husband to get angry, which usually results in some form of violence.
Baekhyun thinks this whole thing with Joonmyun is a lot like that. Being with Joonmyun was an opportunity for herself, to get out, experience things she never has before, like falling in love and being loved. It’s interesting how she had managed not to talk herself out of it for quite some time, even if knowing that Kris catching her would be detrimental. But she did it anyway because what else was there for her to lose? Joonmyun was kind of her one chance to live. And now that chance is gone.
She can still remember the way he looked when she said goodbye. Joonmyun looked like he was truly heartbroken, like he could barely imagine life without Baekhyun by his side. Baekhyun knows because she felt it, too. Now that she’s known how beautiful and wonderful life and love could be like, letting it go was devastating. She had found this perfect man, who has fallen in love with her, and now she’s letting him go. Baekhyun really isn’t sure how she managed to do it.
Except there was this one moment when Baekhyun looked into Joonmyun’s eyes and he was so angry. And anger, something she’s had to terrifyingly deal with almost all her life, is something she can’t handle from someone she loves. So, even if she knew that Joonmyun would never ever hurt her, which helped with the decision, Baekhyun walked away from him. It was unfair but it was the one thing she could hold on to that would make her leave him.
Baekhyun closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself. Joonmyun always knew how to keep her warm. He always kept close with how he sent her messages, called her up and kissed her just to tell her he loves her and just how much. At the very least it’s good that Baekhyun’s received so much of it from Joonmyun. There is much for her to tuck deep in her heart.
-
The apartment is quiet when Baekhyun comes home. She hasn’t really been calling it ‘home’ anymore. It’s just a place where she sleeps and makes dinner for her husband who is never there. She and Kris never really talked after their last altercation. He was gone most of the time, as he normally was, sleeping elsewhere, while she was with Joonmyun. Baekhyun has wondered whether he was cheating on her, but she figured that Kris would never. He may be violent, but he still can be faithful. So she’s never done anything about it because Kris’s temper is a frightening thing to challenge and she wasn’t brave enough. She wonders what Kris would do if he found out that she’s been cheating on him. She rids her head of such thoughts. It’s too much at the moment. With the loss of Joonmyun, she has to concentrate on not having a breakdown.
“Hey,” she greets Kris when she sees him in their bedroom, avoiding going near him for even just a kiss on the cheek. Kris isn’t really the affectionate type anyway. “Have you been home long?”
“Yes,” Kris answers roughly, not even looking up to acknowledge her, randomly flipping through a magazine. “There is no food.”
“I’ll make some for you right now,” Baekhyun says, depositing her things on her vanity table before going to the kitchen.
“Where have you been?” Kris follows after her, leaning on the kitchen doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“I had dinner with Kyungsoo and Lu Han,” Baekhyun answers, taking out the pots and pans she would need. “Why?”
“Where do you go when you’re out of town?” Kris presses. “What do you do?”
“You know we’ve been scouting for more partners and suppliers all over the country,” Baekhyun explains as she puts water on one of the pots and places it over the stove. “I’ve been assigned in Incheon and I’ve been going to meetings trying to get events places and suppliers from there to partner with us.”
“And you haven’t been meeting with anyone else?” Kris continues.
Baekhyun almost turns around in alarm, but she manages not to. Her heart is suddenly pounding in her chest. Kris has never been this interested in her job before so this line of questioning is definitely cause of major concern.
“Well, Lu Han and Kyungsoo, as well some of the members of our team come with me sometimes,” Baekhyun elaborates. “How’s work? Any interesting operations lately?” she then asks. It’s probably better to steer the conversation away from her.
“So… when I mention a certain Kim Joonmyun to you, it won’t mean anything?” Kris casually continues, ignoring her question.
Baekhyun’s grip on the spatula tightens. “Kim Joonmyun?” she repeats as indifferently as she can. “If I remember correctly, he was Jongin’s best man.” Swallowing nervously, she dares ask, “Why?”
Kris shrugs, pushing himself off the doorway and walking to the fridge to grab a beer. “Chanyeol had just mentioned that you two had been talking when I called her then to offer my congratulations,” he shares. “Is he a client now?”
“Yes,” Baekhyun lies. “He’s under Lu Han’s accounts, actually.” She takes a deep breath as inconspicuously as possible and lets herself remember that Jongin didn’t see them that day at the grocery. Because if he did then he would have called Joonmyun and he didn’t. So Jongin didn’t see them. They didn’t get caught.
“So you’ve never had any meetings with him?” Kris is standing right beside the counter by this time, so much closer to Baekhyun that it makes her shudder. “Like in Incheon. Because I heard that his job is pretty much making him stay there.”
“I… no, not really,” Baekhyun manages to say. She’s broken up with Joonmyun. If Kris asks her, Baekhyun can say that she isn’t seeing Joonmyun, that she isn’t cheating on Kris, and it would be the truth.
Kris chuckles. “Really? You see Chanyeol told me the funniest thing,” he continues as if he doesn’t notice Baekhyun being uncomfortable about how their conversation is going. “She said that she and Jongin saw you going grocery shopping with this Kim Joonmyun a couple of days back. In Incheon!” He laughs. “Of all places. I mean, why would you go grocery shopping in Incheon, right? And with someone who’s not even your client. We never even get groceries together.” This statement seems to make Kris realize something and he stares at his wife. “Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun slowly turns around to face him. “I wasn’t going grocery shopping with him. It just so happened that I was there and he was there and—“
“Do you know how many lies it takes to cover up for one lie before it blows up in your face?” Kris interrupts her.
“Kris, I am not lying to you,” Baekhyun insists. “I am not seeing him—“
“Now, who said anything about you seeing him?” Kris lifts an eyebrow, a smirk slowly forming on his face. His approach towards her is slow and deliberate. He reaches out and trails a finger down the side of her face. “My perfect and saintly wife wouldn’t ever commit adultery, not when she’s been working so hard to please her husband.” He places his finger under her chin and lifts her face up so she would look at him.
“Kris,” Baekhyun tries to speak.
“Wives who cheat on their husbands are despicable whores and you aren’t one, right, Baekhyun?” Kris dismisses her.
Baekhyun slaps Kris’s hand away, her gaze turning steely. “How dare you,” she snaps. “You’re implying that I’m a despicable whore? What about you then? What do you have to say for yourself?”
“What are you talking about?” Kris scoffs.
“You’re the one who’s been cheating on me,” Baekhyun accuses him. Despite not having actual proof, there has always been nagging feeling in her that he is and that he might have always been. “I’ve seen your clothes. They always smell like some woman’s perfume and you’re always gone. I dare you to deny it!”
Kris merely looks at her passively for a minute before shrugging and smiling. “What are you going to do about it?”
“You’re a bastard!” Baekhyun yells, raising her hand to slap him.
Kris catches her wrist and grips it hard. “You call me a bastard? Can you blame me?” Baekhyun’s eyes widen in disbelief. “Do you see what I have to come home to everyday?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Baekhyun retorts, painfully untangling her wrist from Kris’s grasp. “I do everything for you. I take care of our home, I cook for you and make sure that all your clothes are washed and pressed. I—“
“And what, you’re asking for something in return?” Kris barks.
“Of course not,” Baekhyun returns heatedly. “Those are the things I willingly do because I’m your wife. All I want is for you to be here, to be around to talk to me, ask me how my day was and listen. All I wanted is for you to be my husband.”
“I am your husband,” Kris proclaims. “I married you if you’ve forgotten. That should be enough for you.”
Baekhyun’s hand finally connects to Kris’s face and she stumbles back as Kris advances on her afterwards. “You are repulsive,” she throws at him as tears start to form in her eyes.
Kris grabs her arm. “Is Joonmyun more of a husband than I am? Does he ask you how your day was and listen to you ramble and then fuck you senseless like how you let me?”
“Let me go.” Baekhyun struggles to push him away.
“Does he?” Kris insists relentlessly.
“I have been doing everything I can to fix this marriage,” Baekhyun whimpers as Kris clenches her arm even tighter. “I keep thinking that one day you’ll come to your senses and become the man that I once married. What happened to you?”
“You happened to me, that’s what.” Kris lets her go and her back hits the counter. He paces around and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re always nagging at me, asking me where I am, what time I’ll get home… I’m a doctor. I don’t have the luxury of too much time for the trivial things. I have lives to save.”
“So you just decided you’ll let this marriage die? Is that it?” Baekhyun interjects. “How very noble of you.” She shakes her head. “I have been trying, Kris. But I am so tired.”
Kris fixes a livid gaze at her. “So is that why you’ve been cheating on me?”
“I am not—“
Baekhyun sees Kris’s hand coming at her in slow motion. There is no time to duck or run and she merely squeezes her eyes shut as his hand hits what feels like is the whole side of her head. The impact is loud and severe and agonizing. Baekhyun hits the counter and falls to the floor, feeling dizzy and faint.
“DON’T LIE TO ME!” Kris bellows, staring her down. “Chanyeol saw you! Jongin saw you!” He crouches down and grabs a chunk of her hair. She cries out in pain, struggling for him to release her. “Did you think you could make a fool out of me?”
“You’re the fool if you thought you could keep me subservient forever,” Baekhyun manages to get out, despite the intense throbbing on both her face and head. “I am supposed to be your wife. I’m not some person you can just order around and use to please you whenever. I am not your slave.” Kris releases her and Baekhyun stands up through the ache in her whole body. She grips the counter as she defiantly glares at him.
Kris merely laughs. “No matter what, Baekhyun. You will always belong to me. I’ve made sure of that with every mark I’ve made on your body.”
Baekhyun ignores him and walks out of the kitchen with a bit of difficulty but with her head held high. She grabs her bag and coat and leaves. Outside of the apartment, she stares at the door of what she’s considered her home once upon a time. “No,” Baekhyun boldly whispers to herself. “I don’t belong to you.” She gets her phone from her bag and dials a number she’s etched onto memory.
Baekhyun meant what she said. She doesn’t know why it’s taken her this long to stand up to Kris. But she guesses, in spite of Lu Han’s constant lectures, that it’s been ingrained in her that marriages are supposed to endure anything. Not this time, though, she promises herself as the line connects.
“Joonmyun, I changed my mind.”
-
Baekhyun and Joonmyun ease back into each other’s lives as if the past couple of weeks hadn’t happened, as if Baekhyun hadn’t tried to leave him and as if Joonmyun hadn’t almost let her go. Joonmyun has been especially careful with her. It’s clear that he has taken her claim of him hurting her to heart, and Baekhyun knows that the last thing Joonmyun wants to become is someone like Kris, whom Baekhyun has grown to abhor.
“Hey, what do you think of this?” Baekhyun asks, sliding into Joonmyun’s lap without warning and showing him a picture of a cozy cottage. They’ve been looking at houses and places they could stay at in Daegu.
As soon as they settled back into the rhythm of their relationship, they immediately started planning their getaway. Joonmyun is taking care of their train tickets and other financial aspects, while Baekhyun packs away their life in Incheon and searches for a place for them to stay before they figure out their next move.
Joonmyun, in the middle of going through some contracts, doesn’t even blink and just wraps his arms around her waist. He rests his chin on her shoulder and looks at the photo. “Looks good,” he says.
Baekhyun pouts. “That’s what you always say,” she complains. “I could show you a waiting shed as a place for us to live in and you would say still say ‘looks good’.”
Joonmyun laughs, nudging her to make her look at him. He reaches up to pull her face down so he could kiss her. “Didn’t I say that it doesn’t matter?” he says, the words lingering on her lips. “I would go anywhere with you.”
“Cheeseball,” Baekhyun mutters, rolling her eyes. She then slaps his chest with her left hand, absent of a ring. She had stopped wearing her wedding ring when her divorce with Kris started moving forward. “I’m serious, Joonmyun. We need to decide on a place. We can’t live in a hotel room for that long.”
“That really wouldn’t be a problem, you know,” Joonmyun gently reminds her. It’s something that he rarely does because he really doesn’t like talking that much about money. “We can stay at a hotel while we look for a more permanent place. Besides,” he carries on, “didn’t we talk about Paris and New York?”
“Paris, New York, Italy, Spain,” Baekhyun recounts, leaning her forehead against his. She closes her eyes and relishes their closeness. It feels surreal being with Joonmyun again, back in his embrace. She really never thought that they would end up together, that their plans would push through, that he would actually leave everything for her.
“Where do you want to go?” Joonmyun leans forward to press a kiss to her lips. His eyes are open, watching her eyelashes flutter over her cheeks.
“I don’t care. As long as we’re together,” she honestly states as she returns his kiss then pulls away. “I can be cheesy, too.” Baekhyun wiggles her eyebrows up and down.
Joonmyun laughs and hugs her tight, burying his face in her neck. “God, I love you,” he professes.
Baekhyun smiles and presses a kiss on the crown of his head. Joonmyun is so perfect. She really can’t believe someone like him exists and that he loves her. He’s like Baekhyun’s own prince charming. She can’t help but roll her eyes at the thought. Still. Maybe fairy tales did exist after all.
-
Baekhyun and Joonmyun’s set date finally comes soon enough. Baekhyun fusses around their apartment and checks through her list and their things again and again lest she forgets anything. She doesn’t want to forget anything important, like tickets and passports and bankbooks. When she’s satisfied that she has everything, she places a call to the lobby to call for a cab around thirty minutes from now.
Joonmyun is arriving soon. Baekhyun glances at the clock and takes a seat at the covered sofa. When they had parted the week before, they had kissed and made love, excited at the fact that they will be together with considerably less difficulty than before. They are fulfilling their happy ending.
She looks around the apartment and is amazed at how big and cold it is in its emptiness. The furniture is still there, but all the pictures and clothes that are normally lying around, Joonmyun’s papers and documents, Baekhyun’s files, they’re no longer there. And just the absence of the human touch makes the whole place unlived.
Glancing at the clock again, she decides to bring their bags to the main hall. Joonmyun is arriving soon and then they’ll be on their way. Their train for Daegu leaves in about two hours. She can’t help but smile at the thought. This whole thing started as incredibly wrong but, somehow, things are starting to turn out right. It’s starting to be right just as how it felt right.
Shortly, Joonmyun walks in. He greets Baekhyun with a kiss, but makes a sudden beeline for the fridge where he’s sure there are still a couple of bottles of beer. He opens one up and guzzles half of it down.
“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun asks, palms flat on the kitchen counter. When he doesn’t respond, she merely smiles. “I’ve called the cab a couple of minutes ago, the concierge will buzz us when it’s here. Are you hungry?” she then asks, running back to the hall to get the food she’d packed for them and returns with it to the kitchen. “We can eat before we go. I mean, the travel’s pretty long, so I think it would be better if we had a bite to eat.”
She looks up at Joonmyun. He looks like he hasn’t moved but his beer bottle is now empty. Something like uncertainty creeps up under her skin, but she ignores it.
“Joonmyun,” she calls him and his eyes find hers, “what’s wrong?”
Baekhyun already knows what Joonmyun’s going to say before he even opens his mouth. She knows because she sensed it the moment he walked in. Joonmyun was even more excited about leaving with her than Baekhyun was. That’s why he took care of most of the arrangements. He wanted to have a hand in building their new life together. She swallows back the lump in her throat as he starts to speak.
“I can’t do this,” Joonmyun rasps, voice breaking. “I…” Baekhyun takes a step back and shakes her head, avoiding his gaze. “I thought I could. I thought I could leave everything behind. But Hyunjin...”
Baekhyun doesn’t move. Her grip on the counter tightens so much that her knuckles whiten. She had always known that it would come to this. She knew that it would never be her. Baekhyun has always known that Joonmyun would always choose his son. Blood was thicker than water. And she’s not even his wife.
“Baekhyun, I’m sorry,” Joonmyun’s voice is thick as if he’s about to cry. He reaches out for her but she slaps his arm away.
“Don’t touch me,” Baekhyun snaps. She looks at him, her eyes filled with hurt, but also of anger and betrayal, that he almost flinches away.
But Joonmyun gathers her in his arms and buries his face in her hair. “I’m sorry,” he sobs, his eyes filling with tears.
“Don’t touch me!” Baekhyun screams, trying to push him away. “Get away from me!”
She tries and tries to put as much distance between them. But Joonmyun keeps on holding on to her. It’s ironic how Joonmyun is the one letting go and yet he’s the one clinging onto Baekhyun. It’s ironic how Joonmyun is the one who suggested that they run away and live their lives away from there and how he’s the one suddenly backing down and saying he can’t do it. Baekhyun can’t explain how she feels. But it’s strangely like offering her heart to someone freely and openly and asking them to keep it and hold it in their hands, only to have those same hands crush it to smithereens.
He promised her. Joonmyun promised her. He had told her again and again that he loved her, that he would do anything for her, that he would run away with her. Joonmyun told her that he didn’t care about leaving his life in Seoul behind because he wanted a new one that included Baekhyun in it. And she believed him! Baekhyun had let herself go. She let her heart take the reigns and ignored her brain telling her that this wasn’t going to end well. Baekhyun never used to care about princess stories and how they got the prince in the end, but Joonmyun made her believe that that could happen for her.
“You told me we could do this,” Baekhyun says, voice steady, going limp in his arms. “You made me believe… You said…” Her words dissolve into the air as she tries to rationalize her pain and what’s happening. But she just can’t. It hurts too much. It hurts so much that she doesn’t even know how she’s going to cry over this.
“Everything that I’ve told you is true,” Joonmyun hushes her, pressing her head close to his chest. He kisses her head. “I do want to get away. I do want a life with you. I love you, Baekhyun. I—“
Baekhyun pushes him backwards with all her might and slaps his face with as much force as she can muster. Joonmyun stands there, stunned. She then turns on her heel and gathers her things.
“Baekhyun,” Joonmyun tries to stop her.
“Stay away from me!” Baekhyun’s demand is absolute and uncompromising.
Baekhyun looks at Joonmyun, looks at the man she fell in love with, the man she compromised her morals for, the man she bent over backwards for. She thinks about all the times they spent together having fun and laughing and just being in love. Baekhyun has never been herself with anyone else the way she was with Joonmyun. With him, it felt like things were possible. She started to believe in his dreams of fairy tales and happy endings because he seemed to want it so much with her. Now she’s proven it. There are no happy endings. There is no such thing as a happily ever after.
But how she loves him. No matter what she does, no matter how angry she is, Baekhyun can’t deny the fact that she is in love with Joonmyun. So, even if she’s angry, angry that he got her hopes up, she walks towards him and places her palms on his cheeks. Joonmyun looks at her as if searching her face for something that she knows he’s been waiting for. With trembling fingers, she reaches up to close his eyes.
“Joonmyun,” Baekhyun softly, but clearly speaks. She traces the lines of Joonmyun’s face with her eyes. “I do love you.” Her voice cracks as she finally confesses her feelings for him. “I hope you know that even if I’ve never said it.”
Joonmyun’s eyes fly open, wet with tears as he pulls her to him for another kiss. It speaks so much of regret and shattered dreams. “I love you,” he desperately declares, “so much.”
It takes much effort, but Baekhyun manages to pull away. She can’t stay. She can’t be here any longer because she was never supposed to be a part of his life in this way anyway.
As the elevator doors close, Baekhyun sees Joonmyun sag to the floor, face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking with his sobs. She averts her gaze as she feels her heart breaking all over again. And when the doors finally close, she breaks down and cries.
Maybe someday they will find their happily ever after.
-
The café is full of people, hence the high level of noise. Baekhyun makes a face as she realizes that there are no free tables. Thinking about just taking her coffee and donut to go, she sees the semi-long lines to the counters and just sighs. It’s as to be expected of a popular hangout spot. She really should have gone earlier, but she’s here anyway so she might as well wait patiently and buy.
Her phone vibrates and she immediately picks up when she sees who it is. “Han,” she answers. “I’m at the coffee shop, waiting for my turn. Yeah, I’ll get you a bagel. What about the others? Alright, see you in a couple.”
It’s been a while since she’s been here, a year—more than a year. Not much has changed. Maybe a few decors and there’s been a bit of an expansion, but other than that, the place is the same. Even most of the baristas from when she used to frequent the place are still there. One of the baristas she’s more familiar with catches her eye and he smiles and waves at her to come to the side.
“Hi, Ryeowook!” she warmly greets him.
“Baekhyun!” Ryeowook returns the warm greetings and hugs her. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long!”
“Almost two years,” Baekhyun laughs in agreement.
“Well, it’s good to see you back,” Ryeowook winks at her. “What will you have?”
Baekhyun places her order and waits patiently as Ryeowook leaves to prepare them. She looks around, noticing how the café is noticeably quieter and calmer. People have jobs to get to after all. She sighs as she looks at a specific corner. It’s a place that used to be filled laughter, specifically hers and—
The bell signals a new customer and Baekhyun looks up. She pales as she sees who just walked in.
“No,” Baekhyun whispers to herself, panicked. She hurriedly looks around for a place to hide herself and make her as inconspicuous as possible. She spies a table with a lone nerdy-looking, chiseled faced guy seated and parks herself on the empty seat across from him.
“Hey,” he starts to protest.
“Shh,” she insists, glaring at him. He immediately shuts up.
So Baekhyun sits there and makes herself as small as possible. It’s not that she’s not over Joonmyun; she is. It’s just that they haven’t seen each other since they parted ways and she’s not sure she’s ready to see him again, and here, too, of all places. She knew taking the assignment in Incheon was a mistake.
“Here you go, Baekhyun,” and Baekhyun cringes as Ryeowook practically yells her name and announces her presence to the whole world. Ryeowook places her orders on the table, all in their proper bags and holders. “Hope you come by again soon. It’s really nice to see you again.”
“You, too,” Baekhyun weakly responds and gives him a withering stare when he finally has his back turned towards her when he returns behind the counter.
It takes her a couple of seconds to gather herself, knowing that she looks ridiculous if the way the chiseled face in front of her is judging her is anything to go by. Baekhyun counts to a slow ten before she decides she’s going to just grab the bull by the balls and face her damn fear. Or Joonmyun, in this case.
As soon as she turns around, she sees Joonmyun standing right in front of her. She almost drops her coffee and pastries if it weren’t for her kind-hearted table-mate who catches them for her.
“Baekhyun.” The way Joonmyun says her name is still the same, like it’s precious and he wants to cherish it, and all of a sudden, it’s as if the whole year and a half hadn’t gone by without them. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“Joonmyun, hi,” Baekhyun greets back, hating that she sounds out of breath. “How are you?”
“Good,” he answers and gives her that smile that she still sees in her dreams sometimes. “I’ve been well. What are you doing here?”
“Work,” she chuckles. “We have this event to host the day after next and we’re doing preps. “You’re still with the same firm?”
Joonmyun nods, brushing his hair, which has grown longer and which he’s wearing without gel, away from his eyes. “Yeah,” he says. “But I’m not working today. I’m actually spending time with my son…” He looks around and calls to Hyunjin, who’s grown so much bigger than the last time Baekhyun had seen him. “Hyunjin, say hello to Baekhyun.”
“Hi,” Hyunjin shyly waves at her.
Baekhyun laughs and reaches out to ruffle his hair. “He’s grown up,” she says, looking back at Joonmyun.
“He is,” Joonmyun proudly states. He then notices the male she’s hijacked the table from. “I should leave and stop… bothering you,” he says, vaguely gesturing to the table. “Just stopped by to get vanilla latte because…” He trails away and clears his throat. “It’s really nice to see you, Baekhyun.” He waves and takes Hyunjin’s hand, leading him out of the café.
“You, too,” Baekhyun mutters, sitting back down listlessly.
Her kind-hearted and nerdy chiseled faced table-mate peers at her curiously. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” she answers numbly, grabbing the mug on the table and taking a swig.
“Hey! That’s mine!” he complains. He opens his mouth to complain some more but sees that Baekhyun’s not up to it. “Do you want anything? I can get you coffee or… something else.”
“I’m okay, thanks,” Baekhyun politely declines. “I’m Baekhyun by the way. Thank you for letting me sit and for helping me not ruin the food.”
“No problem,” he chuckles. “I’m Jongdae.” He reaches out to shake her hand.
“Are you married, by any chance?” Baekhyun asks randomly as they shake hands.
“Is that… a requirement to be able to sit with you?” Jongdae asks, cocking an eyebrow.
“No,” Baekhyun laughs, shaking her head. “No…” she repeats, glancing at the now closed door of the café.
-
Outside, Joonmyun takes a deep breath before he chances a glance through one of the windows of the café. He watches Baekhyun laugh with the man she’s with and remembers a time when he made her laugh like that. It’s safe to say that he hasn’t gotten her off his mind, not once, in the past year and a half that they’d decided to call it quits. Even though she was absent from his life, Joonmyun had continued to hope that maybe one day they could pick up right where they left off.
How could he not hope? Life with Baekhyun was almost within his reach. Joonmyun could almost taste it, could almost close his fists around it and keep it with him. It was right there. He had never wanted anything so badly in his life. Joonmyun has never wanted to fall in love and stay in love with someone the way he was—is—with Baekhyun.
“Papa, are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, tugging at his arm.
Joonmyun crouches down and smiles at his son. “Yes, I am,” he assures him, brushing his hair to one side. He glances down at his left hand, eyeing the empty ring finger.
His wife had filed for divorce shortly after, citing irreconcilable differences, and, in what seemed like a blink of an eye, Joonmyun was divorced and sharing custody of his son. Joonmyun wondered then how it was suddenly so easy. No one from his or his wife’s family even put up a fight to keep them together. Joonmyun supposes that they’d already done their parts for the company and for the media.
Joonmyun was lost afterwards. He wasn’t sure what to do with the sudden freedom that fell onto his lap, the freedom that he thought he couldn’t have, the freedom that he had thrown away. He had thought about looking for Baekhyun and telling her about what happened, but Joonmyun figured he should let things happen in their own time. Baekhyun needed the time to recuperate from her divorce and he probably needed to as well. But how he wanted to be with her. And seeing her again after all this time…
Joonmyun wills those thoughts away and takes a deep breath, standing up. “You ready to go?”
“Yes, papa!” Hyunjin squeals happily, immediately tugging on his dad’s hand so they could walk faster. “To the zoo!”
Joonmyun glances back sadly at the café for the last time, catching one final glimpse of Baekhyun, and then he’s following his son. He smiles slightly at the sight of his son skipping happily on the sidewalk.
Joonmyun hopes that someday Baekhyun will find her happily ever after. Even if he’s not a part of it.
-
“Baekhyun?” Joonmyun’s voice comes through the line. “Where are you? I just got home and you’re not here. Did you buy food?”
Baekhyun takes a deep breath as she makes herself comfortable on Kyungsoo’s sofa. “I’m not coming,” she quietly says, eyeing Kyungsoo, who’s busy in the kitchen. “I have this thing and I can’t go this weekend.”
“What thing?” Joonmyun sounds upset and Baekhyun can’t blame him. She didn’t give word that she wasn’t going to be there.
“Just… a thing,” Baekhyun lamely explains. “I’m with Kyungsoo. She’s cooking for us in her apartment. Lu Han’s arriving in a bit.” She plays with the loose threads of Kyungsoo’s throw pillow and ignores how her chest seems to be hurting. Joonmyun doesn’t deserve this, but if she doesn’t slowly ease themselves out of it, it’s just going to hurt more.
“Baekhyun, what is this about?” Joonmyun then asks. Baekhyun thinks she hears the jingling of his set of keys and a door closing.
Baekhyun shuts her eyes and breathes deeply once again. “Maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a bit.” Or anymore. There. She’s said it. It’s best to be straightforward outright so there won’t be any misunderstandings. She hates that she’s doing it on the phone, but she doesn’t think she’d be able to go through with it if he’s standing right in front of her.
“What are you saying?” Joonmyun’s voice is rough. She hears another door slamming. “Baekhyun, you can’t just—is this about the other day? Jongin didn’t see us. If he had, he would have called me and confronted me.”
“I just think this has gone too far,” Baekhyun softly explains. “I don’t want us to regret anything so maybe it’s best if we take a bit of a break.”
“You can’t just decide these things for yourself,” Joonmyun barks. There’s honking in the background and Baekhyun wonders if Joonmyun decided to go for a walk to calm himself down. “That is not what a relationship is.”
Baekhyun covers her eyes with a hand as tears prickle in her eyes. “This isn’t a proper relationship, Joonmyun,” she tells him as quietly as she can. “We can’t keep on doing this. I don’t want to destroy your family. Your little boy, Hyunjin, I don’t want him to grow up in a broken home.”
When she starts crying, she immediately looks for Kyungsoo in the kitchen. But Kyungsoo isn’t there to her relief. Baekhyun gets up and moves to the balcony, sliding the glass doors closed. Breaking up is always painful. But breaking up when you’re not exactly sure if what you had was genuine just makes her heart want to burst into pieces. This isn’t necessarily a break up, but this feels exactly like that.
“Baekhyun, we have to talk about this!” Joonmyun demands.
“No,” Baekhyun makes up her mind. She breathes a shaky breath as her tears start to overcome her. “Let’s just stop this for a while. Take care, Joonmyun.” Before he can even reply, she ends the call.
Hiding her emotions is never her strongest suit, but Baekhyun thinks she does really well when Lu Han arrives and they start eating together. Sometimes she thinks Kyungsoo glances at her rather worriedly, but Baekhyun merely smiles back at her and continues on with the chatter.
In the middle of dessert, Baekhyun’s phone starts ringing incessantly. She ignores it for a while before Lu Han barks at her to just answer it already. Baekhyun grabs her phone from the living room and answers it without checking who was calling.
“I’m downstairs,” Joonmyun’s voice comes through. “We need to talk. Come down or I’ll come up.”
Baekhyun stares at her phone as Joonmyun hangs up.
“Is everything okay?” Lu Han calls from the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun answers promptly, coming out of her reverie. She picks up her bag and coat. “But I have to go. I’ll text you if I’m coming back.”
“Where are you going so suddenly?” Lu Han asks.
“Just out.” Baekhyun can’t think of a proper excuse at the moment. “I’m sorry. And Kyungsoo, your cooking was amazing as usual.” Kyungsoo merely nods and smiles at her.
Baekhyun hurriedly leaves the apartment.
-
Joonmyun is standing with his back to the apartment when Baekhyun comes out. His posture is stiff and tense, his hands shoved in his pockets. She slowly walks down the steps and warily approaches him. She knows she’s angered him, very rightfully so, but she’s more afraid that she wouldn’t be able to say no if he asks her to stay.
“Joonmyun,” Baekhyun calmly lets him know she’s there, placing a hand on his arm.
He spins around and faces her. Before she can say anything else, Joonmyun’s lips are on hers, unyielding and demanding. His arms wrap around her tightly and hold her firmly close. She squirms under his ministrations, squeezing her eyes shut as a sudden fear racks through her. Suddenly, it’s like he’s Kris with how he’s holding her so tightly it’s almost bruising.
“I love you,” Joonmyun declares when he pulls away and looks into her eyes. “I know you feel the same way even though you’ve never said it. This relationship is real no matter what you might think, and the way a relationship works well is through good communication.”
“Joonmyun, stop,” Baekhyun feebly pleads, taking a step back.
“Baekhyun,” Joonmyun continues, running a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. “You can’t just not show up and then break up with me through the phone. I was expecting you to be home because I had something to tell you and then you tell me that you’re breaking up with me?”
Joonmyun sounds so devastated that Baekhyun doesn’t quite know what to say. How does she pursue breaking up with a man she is so deeply in love with? How does she leave a relationship that she’s invested so much of her emotions and time in? If the three months that she’d forced herself to forget him is too little, a year of being in love with this man is now too much for her to let go.
“Joonmyun, I don’t know what to say,” Baekhyun whispers brokenly. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Tell me that you love me,” Joonmyun practically begs. “Tell me that you’ll stay.” Baekhyun manages to shake her head. “We can be together, you know. We can run away and live our lives far from here. I can file for divorce then and I can always visit my son in time.” He reaches for both of Baekhyun’s hands. “I want to be with you, Baekhyun. You are my fairy tale. You are my happily ever after.”
The offer is tempting. Baekhyun allows herself to imagine a life with Joonmyun, where he’s divorced and she’s separated from Kris. She allows herself to see them having a family together and being free to love each other. It is a beautiful life, but it is also painful because of it. Baekhyun knows it’s not possible.
“I can’t,” Baekhyun softly states, shaking her head and pulling her hands away from him.
Joonmyun grabs her wrist. “Just think about it,” he demands.
Baekhyun freezes up and fights to free herself from his grasp. “Joonmyun, you’re hurting me,” she whimpers and somehow this just sends her over the edge. Joonmyun immediately lets go, eyes wide.
“Baekhyun, I’m sorry,” Joonmyun hurriedly apologizes because he wasn’t even gripping her that hard. “I—“
“I’m fine.” Baekhyun shakes her head, taking another step back. “I’m sorry,” she then whispers, tucking her hands in the pockets of her coat. “This is not a fairy tale.” Baekhyun fixes her bag strap on her shoulder and tightens her coat around her. “Goodbye, Joonmyun.”
And for the second time in her life, Baekhyun walks away from Joonmyun.
-
There are many things that Baekhyun has walked away from. There have been educational and occupational opportunities, but also opportunities for friendships and connections. She thinks it has something to do with how she’s married to Kris and how he hinders practically every aspect of her life just by the way she’s so afraid of him. Kris is ruthless when he wants to be, which, in her case, is all the time. There are so many things she’s missed out on purposefully because she didn’t want her husband to get angry, which usually results in some form of violence.
Baekhyun thinks this whole thing with Joonmyun is a lot like that. Being with Joonmyun was an opportunity for herself, to get out, experience things she never has before, like falling in love and being loved. It’s interesting how she had managed not to talk herself out of it for quite some time, even if knowing that Kris catching her would be detrimental. But she did it anyway because what else was there for her to lose? Joonmyun was kind of her one chance to live. And now that chance is gone.
She can still remember the way he looked when she said goodbye. Joonmyun looked like he was truly heartbroken, like he could barely imagine life without Baekhyun by his side. Baekhyun knows because she felt it, too. Now that she’s known how beautiful and wonderful life and love could be like, letting it go was devastating. She had found this perfect man, who has fallen in love with her, and now she’s letting him go. Baekhyun really isn’t sure how she managed to do it.
Except there was this one moment when Baekhyun looked into Joonmyun’s eyes and he was so angry. And anger, something she’s had to terrifyingly deal with almost all her life, is something she can’t handle from someone she loves. So, even if she knew that Joonmyun would never ever hurt her, which helped with the decision, Baekhyun walked away from him. It was unfair but it was the one thing she could hold on to that would make her leave him.
Baekhyun closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself. Joonmyun always knew how to keep her warm. He always kept close with how he sent her messages, called her up and kissed her just to tell her he loves her and just how much. At the very least it’s good that Baekhyun’s received so much of it from Joonmyun. There is much for her to tuck deep in her heart.
-
The apartment is quiet when Baekhyun comes home. She hasn’t really been calling it ‘home’ anymore. It’s just a place where she sleeps and makes dinner for her husband who is never there. She and Kris never really talked after their last altercation. He was gone most of the time, as he normally was, sleeping elsewhere, while she was with Joonmyun. Baekhyun has wondered whether he was cheating on her, but she figured that Kris would never. He may be violent, but he still can be faithful. So she’s never done anything about it because Kris’s temper is a frightening thing to challenge and she wasn’t brave enough. She wonders what Kris would do if he found out that she’s been cheating on him. She rids her head of such thoughts. It’s too much at the moment. With the loss of Joonmyun, she has to concentrate on not having a breakdown.
“Hey,” she greets Kris when she sees him in their bedroom, avoiding going near him for even just a kiss on the cheek. Kris isn’t really the affectionate type anyway. “Have you been home long?”
“Yes,” Kris answers roughly, not even looking up to acknowledge her, randomly flipping through a magazine. “There is no food.”
“I’ll make some for you right now,” Baekhyun says, depositing her things on her vanity table before going to the kitchen.
“Where have you been?” Kris follows after her, leaning on the kitchen doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“I had dinner with Kyungsoo and Lu Han,” Baekhyun answers, taking out the pots and pans she would need. “Why?”
“Where do you go when you’re out of town?” Kris presses. “What do you do?”
“You know we’ve been scouting for more partners and suppliers all over the country,” Baekhyun explains as she puts water on one of the pots and places it over the stove. “I’ve been assigned in Incheon and I’ve been going to meetings trying to get events places and suppliers from there to partner with us.”
“And you haven’t been meeting with anyone else?” Kris continues.
Baekhyun almost turns around in alarm, but she manages not to. Her heart is suddenly pounding in her chest. Kris has never been this interested in her job before so this line of questioning is definitely cause of major concern.
“Well, Lu Han and Kyungsoo, as well some of the members of our team come with me sometimes,” Baekhyun elaborates. “How’s work? Any interesting operations lately?” she then asks. It’s probably better to steer the conversation away from her.
“So… when I mention a certain Kim Joonmyun to you, it won’t mean anything?” Kris casually continues, ignoring her question.
Baekhyun’s grip on the spatula tightens. “Kim Joonmyun?” she repeats as indifferently as she can. “If I remember correctly, he was Jongin’s best man.” Swallowing nervously, she dares ask, “Why?”
Kris shrugs, pushing himself off the doorway and walking to the fridge to grab a beer. “Chanyeol had just mentioned that you two had been talking when I called her then to offer my congratulations,” he shares. “Is he a client now?”
“Yes,” Baekhyun lies. “He’s under Lu Han’s accounts, actually.” She takes a deep breath as inconspicuously as possible and lets herself remember that Jongin didn’t see them that day at the grocery. Because if he did then he would have called Joonmyun and he didn’t. So Jongin didn’t see them. They didn’t get caught.
“So you’ve never had any meetings with him?” Kris is standing right beside the counter by this time, so much closer to Baekhyun that it makes her shudder. “Like in Incheon. Because I heard that his job is pretty much making him stay there.”
“I… no, not really,” Baekhyun manages to say. She’s broken up with Joonmyun. If Kris asks her, Baekhyun can say that she isn’t seeing Joonmyun, that she isn’t cheating on Kris, and it would be the truth.
Kris chuckles. “Really? You see Chanyeol told me the funniest thing,” he continues as if he doesn’t notice Baekhyun being uncomfortable about how their conversation is going. “She said that she and Jongin saw you going grocery shopping with this Kim Joonmyun a couple of days back. In Incheon!” He laughs. “Of all places. I mean, why would you go grocery shopping in Incheon, right? And with someone who’s not even your client. We never even get groceries together.” This statement seems to make Kris realize something and he stares at his wife. “Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun slowly turns around to face him. “I wasn’t going grocery shopping with him. It just so happened that I was there and he was there and—“
“Do you know how many lies it takes to cover up for one lie before it blows up in your face?” Kris interrupts her.
“Kris, I am not lying to you,” Baekhyun insists. “I am not seeing him—“
“Now, who said anything about you seeing him?” Kris lifts an eyebrow, a smirk slowly forming on his face. His approach towards her is slow and deliberate. He reaches out and trails a finger down the side of her face. “My perfect and saintly wife wouldn’t ever commit adultery, not when she’s been working so hard to please her husband.” He places his finger under her chin and lifts her face up so she would look at him.
“Kris,” Baekhyun tries to speak.
“Wives who cheat on their husbands are despicable whores and you aren’t one, right, Baekhyun?” Kris dismisses her.
Baekhyun slaps Kris’s hand away, her gaze turning steely. “How dare you,” she snaps. “You’re implying that I’m a despicable whore? What about you then? What do you have to say for yourself?”
“What are you talking about?” Kris scoffs.
“You’re the one who’s been cheating on me,” Baekhyun accuses him. Despite not having actual proof, there has always been nagging feeling in her that he is and that he might have always been. “I’ve seen your clothes. They always smell like some woman’s perfume and you’re always gone. I dare you to deny it!”
Kris merely looks at her passively for a minute before shrugging and smiling. “What are you going to do about it?”
“You’re a bastard!” Baekhyun yells, raising her hand to slap him.
Kris catches her wrist and grips it hard. “You call me a bastard? Can you blame me?” Baekhyun’s eyes widen in disbelief. “Do you see what I have to come home to everyday?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Baekhyun retorts, painfully untangling her wrist from Kris’s grasp. “I do everything for you. I take care of our home, I cook for you and make sure that all your clothes are washed and pressed. I—“
“And what, you’re asking for something in return?” Kris barks.
“Of course not,” Baekhyun returns heatedly. “Those are the things I willingly do because I’m your wife. All I want is for you to be here, to be around to talk to me, ask me how my day was and listen. All I wanted is for you to be my husband.”
“I am your husband,” Kris proclaims. “I married you if you’ve forgotten. That should be enough for you.”
Baekhyun’s hand finally connects to Kris’s face and she stumbles back as Kris advances on her afterwards. “You are repulsive,” she throws at him as tears start to form in her eyes.
Kris grabs her arm. “Is Joonmyun more of a husband than I am? Does he ask you how your day was and listen to you ramble and then fuck you senseless like how you let me?”
“Let me go.” Baekhyun struggles to push him away.
“Does he?” Kris insists relentlessly.
“I have been doing everything I can to fix this marriage,” Baekhyun whimpers as Kris clenches her arm even tighter. “I keep thinking that one day you’ll come to your senses and become the man that I once married. What happened to you?”
“You happened to me, that’s what.” Kris lets her go and her back hits the counter. He paces around and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re always nagging at me, asking me where I am, what time I’ll get home… I’m a doctor. I don’t have the luxury of too much time for the trivial things. I have lives to save.”
“So you just decided you’ll let this marriage die? Is that it?” Baekhyun interjects. “How very noble of you.” She shakes her head. “I have been trying, Kris. But I am so tired.”
Kris fixes a livid gaze at her. “So is that why you’ve been cheating on me?”
“I am not—“
Baekhyun sees Kris’s hand coming at her in slow motion. There is no time to duck or run and she merely squeezes her eyes shut as his hand hits what feels like is the whole side of her head. The impact is loud and severe and agonizing. Baekhyun hits the counter and falls to the floor, feeling dizzy and faint.
“DON’T LIE TO ME!” Kris bellows, staring her down. “Chanyeol saw you! Jongin saw you!” He crouches down and grabs a chunk of her hair. She cries out in pain, struggling for him to release her. “Did you think you could make a fool out of me?”
“You’re the fool if you thought you could keep me subservient forever,” Baekhyun manages to get out, despite the intense throbbing on both her face and head. “I am supposed to be your wife. I’m not some person you can just order around and use to please you whenever. I am not your slave.” Kris releases her and Baekhyun stands up through the ache in her whole body. She grips the counter as she defiantly glares at him.
Kris merely laughs. “No matter what, Baekhyun. You will always belong to me. I’ve made sure of that with every mark I’ve made on your body.”
Baekhyun ignores him and walks out of the kitchen with a bit of difficulty but with her head held high. She grabs her bag and coat and leaves. Outside of the apartment, she stares at the door of what she’s considered her home once upon a time. “No,” Baekhyun boldly whispers to herself. “I don’t belong to you.” She gets her phone from her bag and dials a number she’s etched onto memory.
Baekhyun meant what she said. She doesn’t know why it’s taken her this long to stand up to Kris. But she guesses, in spite of Lu Han’s constant lectures, that it’s been ingrained in her that marriages are supposed to endure anything. Not this time, though, she promises herself as the line connects.
“Joonmyun, I changed my mind.”
-
Baekhyun and Joonmyun ease back into each other’s lives as if the past couple of weeks hadn’t happened, as if Baekhyun hadn’t tried to leave him and as if Joonmyun hadn’t almost let her go. Joonmyun has been especially careful with her. It’s clear that he has taken her claim of him hurting her to heart, and Baekhyun knows that the last thing Joonmyun wants to become is someone like Kris, whom Baekhyun has grown to abhor.
“Hey, what do you think of this?” Baekhyun asks, sliding into Joonmyun’s lap without warning and showing him a picture of a cozy cottage. They’ve been looking at houses and places they could stay at in Daegu.
As soon as they settled back into the rhythm of their relationship, they immediately started planning their getaway. Joonmyun is taking care of their train tickets and other financial aspects, while Baekhyun packs away their life in Incheon and searches for a place for them to stay before they figure out their next move.
Joonmyun, in the middle of going through some contracts, doesn’t even blink and just wraps his arms around her waist. He rests his chin on her shoulder and looks at the photo. “Looks good,” he says.
Baekhyun pouts. “That’s what you always say,” she complains. “I could show you a waiting shed as a place for us to live in and you would say still say ‘looks good’.”
Joonmyun laughs, nudging her to make her look at him. He reaches up to pull her face down so he could kiss her. “Didn’t I say that it doesn’t matter?” he says, the words lingering on her lips. “I would go anywhere with you.”
“Cheeseball,” Baekhyun mutters, rolling her eyes. She then slaps his chest with her left hand, absent of a ring. She had stopped wearing her wedding ring when her divorce with Kris started moving forward. “I’m serious, Joonmyun. We need to decide on a place. We can’t live in a hotel room for that long.”
“That really wouldn’t be a problem, you know,” Joonmyun gently reminds her. It’s something that he rarely does because he really doesn’t like talking that much about money. “We can stay at a hotel while we look for a more permanent place. Besides,” he carries on, “didn’t we talk about Paris and New York?”
“Paris, New York, Italy, Spain,” Baekhyun recounts, leaning her forehead against his. She closes her eyes and relishes their closeness. It feels surreal being with Joonmyun again, back in his embrace. She really never thought that they would end up together, that their plans would push through, that he would actually leave everything for her.
“Where do you want to go?” Joonmyun leans forward to press a kiss to her lips. His eyes are open, watching her eyelashes flutter over her cheeks.
“I don’t care. As long as we’re together,” she honestly states as she returns his kiss then pulls away. “I can be cheesy, too.” Baekhyun wiggles her eyebrows up and down.
Joonmyun laughs and hugs her tight, burying his face in her neck. “God, I love you,” he professes.
Baekhyun smiles and presses a kiss on the crown of his head. Joonmyun is so perfect. She really can’t believe someone like him exists and that he loves her. He’s like Baekhyun’s own prince charming. She can’t help but roll her eyes at the thought. Still. Maybe fairy tales did exist after all.
-
Baekhyun and Joonmyun’s set date finally comes soon enough. Baekhyun fusses around their apartment and checks through her list and their things again and again lest she forgets anything. She doesn’t want to forget anything important, like tickets and passports and bankbooks. When she’s satisfied that she has everything, she places a call to the lobby to call for a cab around thirty minutes from now.
Joonmyun is arriving soon. Baekhyun glances at the clock and takes a seat at the covered sofa. When they had parted the week before, they had kissed and made love, excited at the fact that they will be together with considerably less difficulty than before. They are fulfilling their happy ending.
She looks around the apartment and is amazed at how big and cold it is in its emptiness. The furniture is still there, but all the pictures and clothes that are normally lying around, Joonmyun’s papers and documents, Baekhyun’s files, they’re no longer there. And just the absence of the human touch makes the whole place unlived.
Glancing at the clock again, she decides to bring their bags to the main hall. Joonmyun is arriving soon and then they’ll be on their way. Their train for Daegu leaves in about two hours. She can’t help but smile at the thought. This whole thing started as incredibly wrong but, somehow, things are starting to turn out right. It’s starting to be right just as how it felt right.
Shortly, Joonmyun walks in. He greets Baekhyun with a kiss, but makes a sudden beeline for the fridge where he’s sure there are still a couple of bottles of beer. He opens one up and guzzles half of it down.
“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun asks, palms flat on the kitchen counter. When he doesn’t respond, she merely smiles. “I’ve called the cab a couple of minutes ago, the concierge will buzz us when it’s here. Are you hungry?” she then asks, running back to the hall to get the food she’d packed for them and returns with it to the kitchen. “We can eat before we go. I mean, the travel’s pretty long, so I think it would be better if we had a bite to eat.”
She looks up at Joonmyun. He looks like he hasn’t moved but his beer bottle is now empty. Something like uncertainty creeps up under her skin, but she ignores it.
“Joonmyun,” she calls him and his eyes find hers, “what’s wrong?”
Baekhyun already knows what Joonmyun’s going to say before he even opens his mouth. She knows because she sensed it the moment he walked in. Joonmyun was even more excited about leaving with her than Baekhyun was. That’s why he took care of most of the arrangements. He wanted to have a hand in building their new life together. She swallows back the lump in her throat as he starts to speak.
“I can’t do this,” Joonmyun rasps, voice breaking. “I…” Baekhyun takes a step back and shakes her head, avoiding his gaze. “I thought I could. I thought I could leave everything behind. But Hyunjin...”
Baekhyun doesn’t move. Her grip on the counter tightens so much that her knuckles whiten. She had always known that it would come to this. She knew that it would never be her. Baekhyun has always known that Joonmyun would always choose his son. Blood was thicker than water. And she’s not even his wife.
“Baekhyun, I’m sorry,” Joonmyun’s voice is thick as if he’s about to cry. He reaches out for her but she slaps his arm away.
“Don’t touch me,” Baekhyun snaps. She looks at him, her eyes filled with hurt, but also of anger and betrayal, that he almost flinches away.
But Joonmyun gathers her in his arms and buries his face in her hair. “I’m sorry,” he sobs, his eyes filling with tears.
“Don’t touch me!” Baekhyun screams, trying to push him away. “Get away from me!”
She tries and tries to put as much distance between them. But Joonmyun keeps on holding on to her. It’s ironic how Joonmyun is the one letting go and yet he’s the one clinging onto Baekhyun. It’s ironic how Joonmyun is the one who suggested that they run away and live their lives away from there and how he’s the one suddenly backing down and saying he can’t do it. Baekhyun can’t explain how she feels. But it’s strangely like offering her heart to someone freely and openly and asking them to keep it and hold it in their hands, only to have those same hands crush it to smithereens.
He promised her. Joonmyun promised her. He had told her again and again that he loved her, that he would do anything for her, that he would run away with her. Joonmyun told her that he didn’t care about leaving his life in Seoul behind because he wanted a new one that included Baekhyun in it. And she believed him! Baekhyun had let herself go. She let her heart take the reigns and ignored her brain telling her that this wasn’t going to end well. Baekhyun never used to care about princess stories and how they got the prince in the end, but Joonmyun made her believe that that could happen for her.
“You told me we could do this,” Baekhyun says, voice steady, going limp in his arms. “You made me believe… You said…” Her words dissolve into the air as she tries to rationalize her pain and what’s happening. But she just can’t. It hurts too much. It hurts so much that she doesn’t even know how she’s going to cry over this.
“Everything that I’ve told you is true,” Joonmyun hushes her, pressing her head close to his chest. He kisses her head. “I do want to get away. I do want a life with you. I love you, Baekhyun. I—“
Baekhyun pushes him backwards with all her might and slaps his face with as much force as she can muster. Joonmyun stands there, stunned. She then turns on her heel and gathers her things.
“Baekhyun,” Joonmyun tries to stop her.
“Stay away from me!” Baekhyun’s demand is absolute and uncompromising.
Baekhyun looks at Joonmyun, looks at the man she fell in love with, the man she compromised her morals for, the man she bent over backwards for. She thinks about all the times they spent together having fun and laughing and just being in love. Baekhyun has never been herself with anyone else the way she was with Joonmyun. With him, it felt like things were possible. She started to believe in his dreams of fairy tales and happy endings because he seemed to want it so much with her. Now she’s proven it. There are no happy endings. There is no such thing as a happily ever after.
But how she loves him. No matter what she does, no matter how angry she is, Baekhyun can’t deny the fact that she is in love with Joonmyun. So, even if she’s angry, angry that he got her hopes up, she walks towards him and places her palms on his cheeks. Joonmyun looks at her as if searching her face for something that she knows he’s been waiting for. With trembling fingers, she reaches up to close his eyes.
“Joonmyun,” Baekhyun softly, but clearly speaks. She traces the lines of Joonmyun’s face with her eyes. “I do love you.” Her voice cracks as she finally confesses her feelings for him. “I hope you know that even if I’ve never said it.”
Joonmyun’s eyes fly open, wet with tears as he pulls her to him for another kiss. It speaks so much of regret and shattered dreams. “I love you,” he desperately declares, “so much.”
It takes much effort, but Baekhyun manages to pull away. She can’t stay. She can’t be here any longer because she was never supposed to be a part of his life in this way anyway.
As the elevator doors close, Baekhyun sees Joonmyun sag to the floor, face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking with his sobs. She averts her gaze as she feels her heart breaking all over again. And when the doors finally close, she breaks down and cries.
Maybe someday they will find their happily ever after.
-
The café is full of people, hence the high level of noise. Baekhyun makes a face as she realizes that there are no free tables. Thinking about just taking her coffee and donut to go, she sees the semi-long lines to the counters and just sighs. It’s as to be expected of a popular hangout spot. She really should have gone earlier, but she’s here anyway so she might as well wait patiently and buy.
Her phone vibrates and she immediately picks up when she sees who it is. “Han,” she answers. “I’m at the coffee shop, waiting for my turn. Yeah, I’ll get you a bagel. What about the others? Alright, see you in a couple.”
It’s been a while since she’s been here, a year—more than a year. Not much has changed. Maybe a few decors and there’s been a bit of an expansion, but other than that, the place is the same. Even most of the baristas from when she used to frequent the place are still there. One of the baristas she’s more familiar with catches her eye and he smiles and waves at her to come to the side.
“Hi, Ryeowook!” she warmly greets him.
“Baekhyun!” Ryeowook returns the warm greetings and hugs her. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long!”
“Almost two years,” Baekhyun laughs in agreement.
“Well, it’s good to see you back,” Ryeowook winks at her. “What will you have?”
Baekhyun places her order and waits patiently as Ryeowook leaves to prepare them. She looks around, noticing how the café is noticeably quieter and calmer. People have jobs to get to after all. She sighs as she looks at a specific corner. It’s a place that used to be filled laughter, specifically hers and—
The bell signals a new customer and Baekhyun looks up. She pales as she sees who just walked in.
“No,” Baekhyun whispers to herself, panicked. She hurriedly looks around for a place to hide herself and make her as inconspicuous as possible. She spies a table with a lone nerdy-looking, chiseled faced guy seated and parks herself on the empty seat across from him.
“Hey,” he starts to protest.
“Shh,” she insists, glaring at him. He immediately shuts up.
So Baekhyun sits there and makes herself as small as possible. It’s not that she’s not over Joonmyun; she is. It’s just that they haven’t seen each other since they parted ways and she’s not sure she’s ready to see him again, and here, too, of all places. She knew taking the assignment in Incheon was a mistake.
“Here you go, Baekhyun,” and Baekhyun cringes as Ryeowook practically yells her name and announces her presence to the whole world. Ryeowook places her orders on the table, all in their proper bags and holders. “Hope you come by again soon. It’s really nice to see you again.”
“You, too,” Baekhyun weakly responds and gives him a withering stare when he finally has his back turned towards her when he returns behind the counter.
It takes her a couple of seconds to gather herself, knowing that she looks ridiculous if the way the chiseled face in front of her is judging her is anything to go by. Baekhyun counts to a slow ten before she decides she’s going to just grab the bull by the balls and face her damn fear. Or Joonmyun, in this case.
As soon as she turns around, she sees Joonmyun standing right in front of her. She almost drops her coffee and pastries if it weren’t for her kind-hearted table-mate who catches them for her.
“Baekhyun.” The way Joonmyun says her name is still the same, like it’s precious and he wants to cherish it, and all of a sudden, it’s as if the whole year and a half hadn’t gone by without them. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“Joonmyun, hi,” Baekhyun greets back, hating that she sounds out of breath. “How are you?”
“Good,” he answers and gives her that smile that she still sees in her dreams sometimes. “I’ve been well. What are you doing here?”
“Work,” she chuckles. “We have this event to host the day after next and we’re doing preps. “You’re still with the same firm?”
Joonmyun nods, brushing his hair, which has grown longer and which he’s wearing without gel, away from his eyes. “Yeah,” he says. “But I’m not working today. I’m actually spending time with my son…” He looks around and calls to Hyunjin, who’s grown so much bigger than the last time Baekhyun had seen him. “Hyunjin, say hello to Baekhyun.”
“Hi,” Hyunjin shyly waves at her.
Baekhyun laughs and reaches out to ruffle his hair. “He’s grown up,” she says, looking back at Joonmyun.
“He is,” Joonmyun proudly states. He then notices the male she’s hijacked the table from. “I should leave and stop… bothering you,” he says, vaguely gesturing to the table. “Just stopped by to get vanilla latte because…” He trails away and clears his throat. “It’s really nice to see you, Baekhyun.” He waves and takes Hyunjin’s hand, leading him out of the café.
“You, too,” Baekhyun mutters, sitting back down listlessly.
Her kind-hearted and nerdy chiseled faced table-mate peers at her curiously. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” she answers numbly, grabbing the mug on the table and taking a swig.
“Hey! That’s mine!” he complains. He opens his mouth to complain some more but sees that Baekhyun’s not up to it. “Do you want anything? I can get you coffee or… something else.”
“I’m okay, thanks,” Baekhyun politely declines. “I’m Baekhyun by the way. Thank you for letting me sit and for helping me not ruin the food.”
“No problem,” he chuckles. “I’m Jongdae.” He reaches out to shake her hand.
“Are you married, by any chance?” Baekhyun asks randomly as they shake hands.
“Is that… a requirement to be able to sit with you?” Jongdae asks, cocking an eyebrow.
“No,” Baekhyun laughs, shaking her head. “No…” she repeats, glancing at the now closed door of the café.
-
Outside, Joonmyun takes a deep breath before he chances a glance through one of the windows of the café. He watches Baekhyun laugh with the man she’s with and remembers a time when he made her laugh like that. It’s safe to say that he hasn’t gotten her off his mind, not once, in the past year and a half that they’d decided to call it quits. Even though she was absent from his life, Joonmyun had continued to hope that maybe one day they could pick up right where they left off.
How could he not hope? Life with Baekhyun was almost within his reach. Joonmyun could almost taste it, could almost close his fists around it and keep it with him. It was right there. He had never wanted anything so badly in his life. Joonmyun has never wanted to fall in love and stay in love with someone the way he was—is—with Baekhyun.
“Papa, are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, tugging at his arm.
Joonmyun crouches down and smiles at his son. “Yes, I am,” he assures him, brushing his hair to one side. He glances down at his left hand, eyeing the empty ring finger.
His wife had filed for divorce shortly after, citing irreconcilable differences, and, in what seemed like a blink of an eye, Joonmyun was divorced and sharing custody of his son. Joonmyun wondered then how it was suddenly so easy. No one from his or his wife’s family even put up a fight to keep them together. Joonmyun supposes that they’d already done their parts for the company and for the media.
Joonmyun was lost afterwards. He wasn’t sure what to do with the sudden freedom that fell onto his lap, the freedom that he thought he couldn’t have, the freedom that he had thrown away. He had thought about looking for Baekhyun and telling her about what happened, but Joonmyun figured he should let things happen in their own time. Baekhyun needed the time to recuperate from her divorce and he probably needed to as well. But how he wanted to be with her. And seeing her again after all this time…
Joonmyun wills those thoughts away and takes a deep breath, standing up. “You ready to go?”
“Yes, papa!” Hyunjin squeals happily, immediately tugging on his dad’s hand so they could walk faster. “To the zoo!”
Joonmyun glances back sadly at the café for the last time, catching one final glimpse of Baekhyun, and then he’s following his son. He smiles slightly at the sight of his son skipping happily on the sidewalk.
Joonmyun hopes that someday Baekhyun will find her happily ever after. Even if he’s not a part of it.
END.
* Sonnet 116 By Shakespeare
** You Are Jeff by Richard Siken
Author's Notes:
This is the longest fic I've ever written for EXO and I honestly don't know how I did it. It's just that one day, Avi shared this quote on Twitter "Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together." I couldn't get it out of my mind. And then this happened. I didn't even hesitate on making it SuBaek because I've been wanting to write something big for them. I didn't mean for it to be this big (I never really thought I can write such long things), but yeah. And I know that this has a lot of controversial and bothersome themes, but I hope it turned out okay. I really don't mean to offend anyone by this. I had help with the themes here so I wouldn't write blindly.
Anyway, this really wouldn't be what it is without my amazing wife, Lonio. Like seriously She held my hand through this and slept past her bedtime just to Skype with me as she read and beta'd and she is just so wonderful? <3 Thank you also to Kendra for taking an initial look at this. To Bricci, who put up with all my random text messages, asking questions if such and such was possible and realistic and actually talked to me about this and encouraged me, thank you!. ;;; And to Chrys, who have read through this for me, as well helped me flesh certain things out. Thank you to Avi for her prompt. >_< I also want to thank my tlist for putting up with my whining. <3
Also, Par Amor means "for love's sake" in Old French. It is where the term 'paramour' came from, which means 'an illict lover'.
So, that's it. Please don't hate me? Lol.
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