maybe you'll let me borrow your heart (2/2)

[airplanewishes]

“Where are you?” Baekhyun demands.

Jongdae balances the phone using his shoulder as he tries to zip up his bag. “I went to the library to pick up some books,” he answers Baekhyun. If Baekhyun was clingy before, there is nothing to how he is now. It’s almost like… Jongdae’s brain laughs at him.

“Are you studying tonight?” Baekhyun asks.

Jongdae thinks about it as he walks out of the library. “I should,” he hedges. “Why, did you have anything in mind you wanted to do?”

“Nothing really,” Baekhyun says. “But if you have the time, you should come by the dorm. We ordered take-out and Joonmyun ordered too much. But if you need to study, you need to do that first.”

Jongdae laughs because Baekhyun, all of a sudden, is so hesitant for some reason. “I’ll let you know,” he tells him. “I think Myungsoo wanted to go and have dinner tonight. I’ll go and check.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun mutters. “Okay. Well, bye.” He hangs up before Jongdae can get another word in.

Instead of calling Myungsoo like he should, Jongdae pockets his phone instead. He and Myungsoo aren’t really dating. There’s nothing official, but Jongdae goes out with Myungsoo when he asks. They hang out, but it’s never progressed to anything. They haven’t even really held hands yet. Myungsoo has never pressed Jongdae to do anything that Jongdae hasn’t expressed interest in doing.

Maybe he knows about Baekhyun. Jongdae shakes his head. That’s impossible. No one knows about Baekhyun because everyone knows about Baekhyun. There is nothing going on between them because that’s not how Baekhyun works, that’s not how Baekhyun does relationships. Baekhyun doesn’t do relationships. Jongdae is not special enough to change that.

Jongdae knows that he should talk to Myungsoo and tell him that they should just be friends. It’s the right thing to do. Jongdae doesn’t want to lead him on until Myungsoo is in too deep that he’ll be hurting so much in the end. Jongdae isn’t worth all that, and Myungsoo deserves so much better. Soon, he thinks. He can already see that time coming fast.

Because Jongdae has dove in too deep that it’s so hard to get back up. All the water is in his lungs and it’s hard to breathe. He’s breathing all the water in and it hurts because this isn’t where Jongdae is supposed to be. Jongdae isn’t supposed to be in love with Baekhyun.

There are too many things that Jongdae thinks he isn’t supposed to be doing. Unlike Jongdeok, who seems to be having the time of his life. Apparently, from their conversation on the phone the other day, he’s been cooking a lot at home. He’s taken over the cooking duties from their mother and has been experimenting with different kinds of food, which surprisingly come out well.

Jongdae would never have pegged his brother as someone who cooks. Jongdeok had been so focused on swimming and his career that there never seemed to be anything in his sights for him. But when he lost swimming, it seemed that opened up a lot of new possibilities for him. It amazes Jongdae how things change and evolve for the better. Jongdeok certainly seems much happier than he’s ever been.

“Mom really enjoys everything I cook,” Jongdeok proudly tells Jongdae over the phone. “You should see her face when she tastes them.”

“She’s a mother,” Jongdae says, tone dripping of mockery. “Of course she’ll tell you that it’s good. She loves you for everything that you are. And aren’t.”

“When we see each other again, I will crush your head,” Jongdeok says to him so seriously that it just makes the whole thing even funnier to Jongdae.

“Okay, okay,” Jongdae replies, finally giving in. “You’re going to have to let me taste this amazing cooking, Chef Kim.”

“Sounds good, right?” Jongdae hasn’t heard his brother’s voice light up so much like that. “I’ve been thinking of attending culinary school on the side. I don’t know, it’s all just ideas right now.”

“Really?” Jongdae’s incredibly surprised. Jongdeok is an architect in a very prestigious firm, after all. Why would he want to go back to school for something else?

“I just realized that life’s too short to not do everything that I want to do,” Jongdeok says excitedly.

“Right,” Jongdae answers, even though he still doesn’t understand. Architecture is Jongdeok’s dream.

“I’m glad you’re going for what you want, too, Jongdae. I’m glad you’re doing well. You should always do what you want to do.”

Jongdae scuffs the toe of his shoe in the crack on the pavement, shifting his heavy bag on his shoulders. Jongdeok had felt down for a while after he injured himself and lost the chance to swim. Jongdae remembers how Jongdeok had locked himself in his room for days, Jongdae knocking to check on him and getting no response. Jongdae also remembers how his mother had cried.

Jongdeok made it sound so easy, going for what you want. How do you jump from one thing to the next? It’s so risky, so scary, to let go of something stable and jump. What if you fall? What if you fail? What then?

But then, risks are a part of life. Jongdae knows that, too. They say it’s what makes life so exciting. Jongdae then wonders if that’s why his life seems boring. Does it mean he hasn’t taken any risks? Being comfortable isn’t a bad thing. But what if… His phone vibrates in his pocket and he takes it out. There’s a text message from Baekhyun asking him if he’s going to come over.

Baekhyun. He and Baekhyun have known each other for half a year now and it’s interesting how many things have happened in those few months. Where before Jongdae and Baekhyun barely knew each other, now Jongdae is head over heels for Baekhyun and wants to curl up in his bed because of it. It’s so confusing and so unsettling because he doesn’t know what to do about feelings that won’t be reciprocated.

Chanyeol had told him that wanting things isn’t bad. Jongdae clearly wants Baekhyun, but he wants him more than just the physical needs to Baekhyun so willingly gives to others. Jongdae wants to be with Baekhyun. Jongdae wants to hold his hand and take him out and make him laugh and love him. Exclusively. Jongdae wants Baekhyun to be committed with him. The impossible dream.

Life’s too short to not do everything I want to do. What if Jongdae told Baekhyun about his feelings for him? What if Jongdae did ask Baekhyun out properly and just put his heart out there to be trampled upon freely? Life really is too short, after all.

Jongdae smiles to himself and shakes his head. It’s times like these that he wishes he had Chanyeol’s guts. Chanyeol never hesitates when it comes to anything that he wants. Chanyeol wanted to draw? He drew. Chanyeol wanted learn the guitar? He learned the guitar. Chanyeol liked a girl? He asked her out. There is never any hesitation. It’s almost like the bad consequences are an afterthought. Like he doesn’t care. Chanyeol doesn’t even seem to care if he fails or not. Jongdae thinks what’s more important to Chanyeol is that he did what he had to do and tried. Maybe to Chanyeol failure meant not trying.

This just puts Jongdae’s life and everything he’s done in it in a bad light. Because all Jongdae has right now, all that he does, are things that fell unto his lap. Which isn’t necessarily bad. But slowly Jongdae is coming to realize that maybe these are things that he doesn’t essentially want.

Jongdae knows that he wants Baekhyun, though. What if he started from there?

m coming over, Jongdae replies to Baekhyun.

Jongdae gets to Baekhyun’s dorm faster than he’d planned. It’s funny how fast time suddenly flies. He takes a very, very deep breath. He’s going to walk in, greet Joonmyun first before asking Baekhyun to step out. And then Jongdae is going to tell Baekhyun. The hallway may not be the most romantic setting, but if Jongdae doesn’t do it now, he may never do it at all.

“There you are.” Kyungsoo is the one who opens the door to Jongdae’s surprise. “Baekhyun has been going on and on about what time you’re arriving,” Kyungsoo says, pulling him inside.

“Jongdae, I’m so glad you’re finally here,” Joonmyun says.

Jongdae stops in his tracks. His chest reacts faster than his brain and constricts so painfully that Jongdae grimaces.

“Are you alright?” Kyungsoo asks, looking concerned.

“Jongdae!” Baekhyun greets, climbing off Joonmyun’s lap.

Baekhyun was sitting on Joonmyun’s lap, arms around Joonmyun’s neck and—Jongdae doesn’t even know how to continue that thought. Of course. Of course. What was Jongdae thinking?

“You don’t look so good,” Baekhyun says, reaching up to press his hand on Jongdae’s forehead.

Jongdae flinches away. “I’m fine,” he says. He isn’t fine. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be fine. Jongdae has been thinking so seriously about how he’s going to confess to Baekhyun when Baekhyun won’t even care. Baekhyun doesn’t care about relationships. He’s not going to care about Jongdae’s confession. If anything, it’ll just make things awkward between them.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun starts again, arms extending to grab his hand.

Jongdae takes another step back. “I’m okay,” he assures him, them, because Kyungsoo and Joonmyun are looking at him worriedly. “You know what, I think I’ll actually just go to our room and crash. I am tired.”

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun persists. His mouth is drooping downwards and Jongdae looks away.

“Nothing,” Jongdae promises, taking another step back. “I’m just tired. Really, really tired.”

“You do look like you can use some rest,” Joonmyun offers from the bed. “Are you having a headache? I may have something for it—“

“I’m okay,” Jongdae insists.

“Get some rest, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo states, nodding towards the door.

“I will,” Jongdae says, turning towards the door.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun tells him as he follows him to the door, even though he looks like he’s not sure what he’s apologizing for. He looks so sad. Jongdae doesn’t understand it.

Jongdae manages to chuckle and faces Baekhyun. He takes Baekhyun’s appearance in and thinks that Baekhyun shouldn’t ever be sad. Slowly reaching out, Jongdae cups Baekhyun’s face and grazes his thumb on the corner of Baekhyun’s lips.

“You should always smile,” Jongdae tells him ever so softly. Baekhyun furrows his eyebrows. “A happy Baekhyun is more handsome than a sad Baekhyun. Still handsome, but sad isn’t a good look on you.”

Baekhyun looks like he’s searching Jongdae’s eyes for something. “Jongdae, are you okay?” he asks quietly but urgently.

“I’m fine,” Jongdae assures him again. “You don’t have to worry about anything. You also don’t have to be sorry for anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.” Because there is nothing.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Baekhyun hurriedly asks when Jongdae drops his hand and turns away.

“Of course,” Jongdae says, smiling. His chest is hurting so much. Why does it hurt so much? “I’ll always make time for you, remember?”

Jongdae gives Baekhyun another smile, the best one he can muster at the moment, and is satisfied when Baekhyun’s eyes light up. There’s the Baekhyun that he knows, the Baekhyun that lights up a room just by walking in it. A light so bright that Jongdae can’t turn a blind eye to even if he closes his eyes.

So Jongdae turns his back on it instead. The light is still there, but it’s dimmer, less blinding.

He’s hoping that, this way, it’ll be easier to forget.










“Are you excited?”

Jongdae looks out of the window, watching the scenery pass. He shifts in his seat.

“I’m guessing you’re less than excited,” Kyungsoo continues, tone slightly teasing but also concerned.

“I’m mostly nervous,” Jongdae admits, clasping his hands together.

“About the competition or about coming home?” Kyungsoo wants to know.

Their competition that weekend is going to take place in a university near Jongdae’s home. The thought sends both excitement and apprehension through Jongdae. It’s been a couple of months since he’s been home since college. He talks to him mom and his brother every now and then, but he hasn’t really seen them in quite a while. He’s not entirely sure if he’s excited to come home or not.

“Both,” Jongdae answers. “I don’t know.” He sighs and leans his head back on the seat. “I don’t really know what to tell my mom when I see her.”

“Well you can tell her that you’re a swimming medalist,” Kyungsoo starts. “And then you can go on from there.” He glances behind him before turning to Jongdae again. “So… Is there a reason you’re telling me this instead of someone else?” he then asks pointedly.

“What are you talking about?” Jongdae replies innocently.

“C’mon, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo presses seriously. “Why am I sitting in this seat instead of Baekhyun?”

There has rarely been a day when Jongdae isn’t seen with Baekhyun and vice versa. Except for the past couple of days when Jongdae’s been going out of his way to not see Baekhyun. Jongdae needs to nurse his heart for a bit, for that rejection he just suffered, before diving back into their friendship.

“You just want to sit with Soojung,” Jongdae mutters, ignoring the fact that he did grab Kyungsoo’s arm rather haphazardly when they got on the bus and forced him to sit beside him. He hasn’t forgotten the way Soojung looked upset. Or the way Baekhyun didn’t even care and just sat down beside Kris.

“Yes, I do actually,” Kyungsoo tells Jongdae so straightforwardly that Jongdae laughs. “But I’m sitting here because you look like you need it, so you better tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing’s going on,” Jongdae says, smiling a little at how true that statement is. “Is it so wrong for me to want to hang out with my roommate every once in a while?” Kyungsoo stares at him. “I don’t know what you want to hear, Kyungsoo,” he continues with a sigh. “But I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jongdae ignores Kyungsoo’s stare by looking out of the window once more. He knows that Kyungsoo is referring to all those other times that Jongdae’s started practice way earlier than everyone else and left as soon as he got dressed, or the way Jongdae seems to be sticking to other members of the team, particularly Jinri.

“You know, I really don’t get why you’re going out with Myungsoo,” Kyungsoo persists, eyes piercing.

“Why?” Jongdae turns to him, eyebrows scrunched together. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

“You know why, Jongdae,” Kyungsoo states. “It’s not fair.”

“I don’t know—“ Jongdae starts.

“You do,” Kyungsoo cuts him off. “You really do, Jongdae. And I don’t know why you won’t just admit it.”

“Baekhyun doesn’t want me like that,” Jongdae finally speaks up after the short silence that Kyungsoo’s words brought. Kyungsoo is one of those people who never bullshits or skirts around an issue. It hurts more than it should because he’s always right. “We’re friends and I’m not going to take advantage of that.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and leans back on his seat, taking out his iPod. “You know, sometimes you’ve got to see the other side of the coin, too,” is all he says before he puts his earphones on. “Or hear it. Either way, you should go and be honest with Myungsoo.”

Jongdae takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.










Jongdae stays in the guest bedroom, right beside the foot of the stairs, after he’s gone to the bathroom to freshen up. He’s not entirely sure what he’s doing in his house with the rest of the team, but they’re all there because his mother had insisted that Jongdae invite the people Jongdae spends so much time with. He’s not sure why he’s hiding either, but it probably has something to do with the fact that his mother wouldn’t stop talking about how proud she was of her swimmer and architect son. That, and Baekhyun is in his house and he’s not really sure what to do about it.

He sits down on the edge of the queen-sized bed. The sheets are blindingly white and neatly pressed. Jongdae knows the bed has never been slept in, just like how the room is never really used because his mother doesn’t really like taking guests in after his father’s passing, which just means that they’ve never had guests stay over in a long time. He leans back on his hands, closing his eyes and cherishing the few minutes he has to himself before someone comes to find him.

Their competition had gone really well. The men’s team had placed second overall, with Baekhyun and Minseok leading the scores, while the women’s team had placed third. Jongdae had done quite well for himself. Even when he still hadn’t beat his faster times, he’d managed to place second and third in his events. He can already imagine the talk he and Donghae are going to have.

Sighing, Jongdae takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. He moves to stand up when he’s startled to sitting back down when he sees someone standing in the doorway.

“You left the door open,” Baekhyun quietly speaks, walking inside even though Jongdae hadn’t indicated that he could. Baekhyun couldn’t care less about asking for permission, especially with Jongdae. Maybe Baekhyun is just that comfortable with him. Jongdae isn’t sure how to feel about that, but his heart clenches in his chest.

“The bathroom’s right there,” Jongdae says, gesturing to the far left of the room. Baekhyun glances at the direction of the bathroom before turning back to Jongdae, hesitating. Baekhyun is never really hesitant so Jongdae furrows his brows in concern. “Is everything okay?” he asks, unable to help himself. “Did my mom send you to find me?”

Baekhyun is quiet as he sits down beside Jongdae. It’s only really been a couple of days, but it feels like a lifetime since they’ve sat beside each other like this.

“You have a nice home,” Baekhyun comments, arms brushing against Jongdae.

“It’s home,” Jongdae confirms, shifting a little in his space so that he and Baekhyun aren’t touching so much. He can hear the question on Baekhyun’s lips, just like how everyone buzzed about how architectural Jongdae’s life has been growing up. Jongdae’s father was such a famous architect that everyone wondered how Jongdae never really talked about him or architecture. “I’ve told you about it before,” he answers.

There’s an energy bustling around Baekhyun that Jongdae is unfamiliar with. It’s not how Baekhyun normally is, which is vibrant, lively, and cheeky. Right now, Baekhyun almost feels poignant. Jongdae wonders why. But instead of asking, Jongdae reaches up and wraps an arm around Baekhyun and pulls him closer. Baekhyun sighs into the embrace, making Jongdae’s heart skip a traitorous beat.

“Do you ever feel, sometimes, that you’ve made a mistake?” Baekhyun asks after a comfortable silence. His arms have found their way around Jongdae’s waist, his head resting on Jongdae’s chest. “Like you know you’re making a mistake, but you don’t quite know how to fix it?”

Jongdae chuckles lightly, his breath ruffling Baekhyun’s hair. “If you already know it’s a mistake, then why do you keep making it?”

“What if you’re afraid?” Baekhyun asks so earnestly that Jongdae tightens his embrace on Baekhyun.

“Afraid of fixing a mistake?” Jongdae returns, lightly teasing. “I don’t think you should be afraid of righting something that you know is wrong.”

“What if it’s not really wrong?” Baekhyun presses. “What if you just want to… make things better?”

Jongdae frowns, leaning his head on Baekhyun’s head. He closes his eyes because he likes this; he likes Baekhyun being in his arms, likes being able to hold him. Even though it hurts so much. “Then I don’t know how that is more scary than righting a wrong,” he muses. “Isn’t that supposed to be easier?”

“Why do you swim, Jongdae?” Baekhyun suddenly asks. “Why did you take up architecture?”

Jongdae stiffens so suddenly that Baekhyun pulls away and properly looks at him. There’s something in Baekhyun’s eyes that makes Jongdae feel like he’s searching for something. Jongdae takes his arms back and presses his hands on his lap.

“Didn’t I already tell you this?” Jongdae says, meaning for it to be light.

Baekhyun doesn’t laugh. He is still looking at Jongdae, still watching him, and Jongdae finds himself still falling. Unwittingly. Continuously. It’s a rough fall, painful, just like how it is when he fumbles a dive and he crashes face first into the water, hurting himself with permission. When Jongdae breaks the surface, he finds that he still can’t catch his breath and that every part of him hurts.

“Always answering a question with another question,” Baekhyun says. There’s a smile on his face when he stands up but Jongdae thinks it’s far from happy. Baekhyun glances at the door. “Your mom did send me to find you.”

“Well here I am,” Jongdae responds, chuckling a little. “You found me.”

Baekhyun looks at him then. “Well I did try,” he replies, the smile on his face more genuine this time. “I’ll tell her you’re in the bathroom.”

When Baekhyun turns his back on Jongdae, his hand on the doorknob, something grips at Jongdae. It’s like a reminder of all the times that Jongdae’s looked at Baekhyun while Baekhyun never saw him.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae calls him and Baekhyun turns around immediately. “Do you… do you want to stay another day?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows in question. “There’s… Chanyeol has an art exhibit, for his class, and I have tickets. Do you want to go with me? It’s an hour away but I thought we can catch the last bus tomorrow—but you know you’ll miss classes and—“

Baekhyun cuts him off with a laugh. “Okay, Jongdae,” he says to Jongdae’s amazement. “I’ll go with you.”

Jongdae allows himself to smile, but stomps down the sliver of hope that pushes through the cracks.










“Does Chanyeol know you’re taking me?” Baekhyun asks as he tries to catch up with Jongdae.

Jongdae pauses for a second to let Baekhyun catch up before hurrying towards the bus station. They decided to take the 7:30 A.M. bus so that they could get to Chanyeol’s university by 9 o’clock at the latest. Their plan is to see the exhibit, have lunch, maybe hang out somewhere for a bit and then go back to school via another bus. The rest of the team had gone home after the dinner at Jongdae’s house.

“Yeah, he’s wanted to meet you for quite some time now,” Jongdae absently tells him as they hand their tickets to the conductor.

“You talk to your best friend about me?” Baekhyun asks, eyes wide, clearly surprised. He watches Jongdae as they board the bus and take their seats somewhere in the middle.

Jongdae doesn’t know why his mouth ran away with him but Baekhyun doesn’t need to know just how often Jongdae mentions him to Chanyeol, whether Jongdae likes it or not. He grins at Baekhyun, wanting to pass off the whole thing as something like a joke. Because if Baekhyun finds out how serious that matter is to Jongdae, how serious Jongdae is about his feelings for Baekhyun, Baekhyun might get off the bus.

“I talk about swimming and the team a lot,” Jongdae says instead, smiling, “so yes, I guess I do talk to my best friend about you by default.”

Baekhyun makes a face at him and pouts, making himself comfortable on his window seat. “So is that why I’m the only one going with you to meet him?” he then teases, canines showing with his smug grin.

“Because you’re the one I complain a lot about,” Jongdae retorts, rolling his eyes. He knows that doesn’t make any sense but he goes with it anyway as it shuts Baekhyun up, even though there’s a shit-eating grin on Baekhyun’s face.

Truth be told, Jongdae isn’t entirely sure he knows what he’s doing. What is he thinking back then, asking Baekhyun to stay behind and having him go to Chanyeol’s exhibit with him? To add to that, Jongdae is going to introduce Baekhyun to Chanyeol. Chanyeol has wanted to meet Baekhyun ever since he noticed Jongdae drawing him a lot and talking about him in random spurts in the middle of conversations. This is, possibly, dangerous territory because Baekhyun is already so embedded in his life without him being friends with Jongdae’s best friend, too.

When they get to Chanyeol’s university, Jongdae’s heart pounds so hard in his chest that he has to go and lock himself in a bathroom stall to calm himself down. There is nothing wrong with bringing Baekhyun with him, he tries to convince himself, even if every fiber of his being insists that he’s going to regret this somehow. What need is there to introduce Baekhyun to the people closest to him, no matter how important Baekhyun is to Jongdae, when Baekhyun is just going to leave anyway?

“Are you okay? Did you get sick because of the trip?” Baekhyun is peering at him, hand warm on Jongdae’s bicep.

Jongdae shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he assures Baekhyun. The last thing Jongdae needs is for Baekhyun to look after him just like when Sehun threw a remote control at him. Baekhyun’s concern isn’t good for his heart. “Let’s just go,” he insists when Baekhyun keeps looking at him.

The art exhibit is bigger than Jongdae expected; it’s certainly bigger than Chanyeol had made it out to be. Four classes of 20 to 25 students had participated in it with two to three art works per student.

Jongdae wanders around the gallery, leaving Baekhyun by himself, as he gets lost in all the art. He looks around in wonder, looking from one artwork to another, some in paint, some in sketch, some way too colorful, some in only black and white. There is so much expression, so much freedom, and so much passion in one room that Jongdae feels a bit overwhelmed. It makes Jongdae want to sit down with a blank piece of paper on his lap and draw. His fingers twitch in his pocket whenever he sees an artwork that he likes.

Jongdae has never really considered drawing as anything more than something that he does when he feels the need to deal with his feelings. It has started as that as it had proven to be effective time and time again, which is probably why he’s drawn so much of Baekhyun in the past couple of months. But now, seeing all this art, being around students who are studying and hoping to do this for the rest of their lives, he wonders… In Jongdae’s most honest moments, he thinks about how he doesn’t see himself as an architect, not even a swimmer, in the future. This ends up with him questioning what he’s going to be if not either of those things, which he is investing so much of his time on.

“You look conflicted,” Baekhyun’s amused voice startles him out of his reverie. “What did the painting do?” He nods at the canvas in front of them.

It’s Chanyeol’s. He had painted two young boys sitting on the grass, looking at the trees that had orange falling leaves. Jongdae remembers very clearly what that day was and what it was like.

Jongdae turns to Baekhyun with bright eyes. “I think I might know what you mean about making a mistake,” he blurts out. Baekhyun takes a step back, clearly taken aback. “Making a mistake and not knowing what to do,” he adds.

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything for several seconds and Jongdae thinks Baekhyun looks scared but also expectant. “What are you going to do about it?” he asks breathlessly.

“I don’t know,” Jongdae says, chuckling as he shakes his head. He takes a deep breath when he turns back to the painting. Drawing is something he’s had, something he’s done, when he was very young but he never knew the kind of effect it had on him or what it could do for his future.

Jongdae knows about dreams and having goals. Setting targets and going after them has always been in his nature, but he has always struggled with the things that he wants to achieve. It’s always been hard for him to write down things that he wants because he never really sits down to think about them. Jongdae writes down his goals for his grades and the times that he wants to reach for his swimming, but it’s always been about those two things. He has never written a goal outside of those.

“Well,” Baekhyun starts, stepping closer to Jongdae, “you know what they say, the important thing is knowing that there’s a problem. Everything comes easy after that.”

It always feels like the wind is blowing right then and there, ruffling his hair as the yellow orange leaves fall around him. Jongdae is holding a blank paper in his hand and he is drawing what he feels. It sounds easy, fixing a problem, but Jongdae doesn’t know what to do.

“Maybe,” Jongdae responds, eyes on the painting.

“I’ll help you figure it out,” Baekhyun tells him. Jongdae looks at him when Baekhyun slips his hand into his.

Jongdae squeezes Baekhyun’s hand.










Baekhyun is drunk. Jongdae sighs deeply, feeling a mixture of amusement and annoyance as he watches Baekhyun wiggle his ass in the middle of the dance floor from the bar. Next to him, Chanyeol snorts into his drink. This has been what it’s been like for the past 30 minutes, Chanyeol drinking and Jongdae ignoring the way Baekhyun’s ass and thighs are perfectly melded into his skintight jeans, by the bar with Baekhyun dancing like there’s no tomorrow.

It started out as a perfectly normal evening. Jongdae introduced Baekhyun to Chanyeol and the two started talking a lot about a variety of things during dinner, which is good for a first meeting. Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol are friendly and confident, after all. When they finished stuffing their faces, Chanyeol asked them if they wanted to go to a club for some drinking and a bit of fun. Baekhyun immediately agreed, just because his classes don’t start until the afternoon the next day, smiling at Jongdae, who just rolled his eyes and gave in. It’s easier to give in to Baekhyun because resisting hurts more.

“I think maybe your boyfriend has had too much to drink,” Chanyeol comments, nodding to the dance floor, where Baekhyun is grinding against some girl, who looks like she’d rather go down on the girl she’s dancing with than Baekhyun.

“You think?” Jongdae scoffs, shaking his head and facing the bar. “This is your fault, you know. We couldn’t have fun without drinking?”

Chanyeol leans back on the bar, eyes still on Baekhyun. “You didn’t even deny it,” he says.

“Deny what?” Jongdae asks.

“Baekhyun being your boyfriend,” Chanyeol answers, giving his best friend a sideways glance.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” is Jongdae’s automatic response. Chanyeol turns in his seat to stare at him face-to-face. “He isn’t,” he repeats insistently. He gestures to the dance floor. “Would I let my boyfriend dance like that with someone who isn’t me?”

“I think you would do anything if it came to Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tells Jongdae straightforwardly. “Even if it meant hurting yourself.” He shrugs. “But then again, you do that with everyone else.”

“What?” Jongdae demands. “Do you think I let people step all over me?”

“No, of course not,” Chanyeol replies, shaking his head. “I just think that—hey, I think you should get Baekhyun off the dance floor.” He straightens in his seat.

“Why?” Jongdae turns around and finds Baekhyun in some random guy’s arms. The guy is tall, definitely bigger than Baekhyun, with a gross beard and an even grosser smile. “Damnit,” he curses under his breath as he gets up and stalks over there.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun coos as soon as he sees Jongdae approaching. The bearded man looks at him, arms still around Baekhyun’s waist. “This is Jongdae,” he introduces him, giggles coloring his voice.

“Alright, we’re going to go,” Jongdae speaks up, more to the beard than Baekhyun. He reaches out to take Baekhyun back.

But the guy tightens his hold around Baekhyun. “We were just talking,” he says.

“Like he can hold proper conversation at his state,” Jongdae retorts, gesturing towards Baekhyun, who’s been giggling, leaning his head at the stranger’s chest. Jongdae’s heart clenches and his stomach swoops uncomfortably at the thought of Baekhyun going home with this guy. He can understand Baekhyun sleeping with people that Jongdae knows; he can take that. What he can’t take is Baekhyun sleeping with random guys, especially with Jongdae around. “So no, right now, he’s coming with me and we’re going home,” he insists, taking Baekhyun’s hand.

“He told me he doesn’t have a boyfriend,” the guy persists, annoying Jongdae. “So if you’re just some—“

“I’m his boyfriend,” Jongdae cuts him short.

The guy’s eyebrows scrunch to the middle. He’s suddenly hesitant. “But he said—“

“I know what he said,” Jongdae interrupts again, taking Baekhyun in his arms. Baekhyun had pushed the guy off and cuddled to Jongdae when he was let go. “We’re in a fight and he tends to say dumb things when he’s drunk.”

“Jongdae’s my boyfriend,” Baekhyun mutters, nuzzling his face onto Jongdae’s chest.

The stranger raises both his hands up in surrender and turns around to leave. Jongdae breathes a sigh of relief as he takes Baekhyun back to the bar, where Chanyeol’s already standing up.

“I’m thinking you two should just leave tomorrow morning,” Chanyeol offers as he slings Baekhyun’s other arm around his shoulder and makes their way out of the club.

“I guess so,” Jongdae says. Their original plan was to go home after dinner. “But we don’t really have a place to stay in and we can’t just in your dorm.”

Chanyeol waves his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, grinning as he hails a cab. “I can just crash with my friend down the hall. Besides, I think as boyfriends, you two need your alone time.” He laughs as Jongdae’s hand jerks in an attempt to sock Chanyeol’s face as they get inside the cab.

Chanyeol’s dorm room is a single with one bed, a desk and a closet. It’s slightly cramped because of all the mess strewn everywhere. Jongdae helps Baekhyun onto the single bed. Baekhyun snuggles into the sheets, whining like a puppy as he presses his face even more into the pillow.

Seeing Baekhyun like this, sleeping… he looks like a kid, even younger than he actually looks, and peaceful. Jongdae sits on the edge of the bed and reaches out to gently brush Baekhyun’s fringe away from his eyes. There is so much that Jongdae wants to do for Baekhyun, things that Jongdae believes he can offer him; if only he is given the chance. In spite of the knowledge that Baekhyun isn’t a relationship kind of guy and despite the rejection, Jongdae still hopes somehow. Jongdae’s feelings for Baekhyun are just that strong. Baekhyun shifts on the bed, his eyes fluttering open.

“Jongdae?” Baekhyun murmurs, eyes fluttering open. He extends a hand towards Jongdae, who takes it. “What’s going on?”

“We leave for university tomorrow,” Jongdae tells him, assuring. “You should get some rest.”

Baekhyun looks around, eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room. “Did we kick Chanyeol out?”

Jongdae chuckles. “Yes,” he confirms. “He’s staying with a friend.” He squeezes Baekhyun’s hand. It’s warm. Baekhyun’s always so warm. “You should get some sleep,” he repeats and lets go of his hand and moves to stand up.

“We should make the most of it then,” Baekhyun suddenly utters, making Jongdae freeze and turn around towards him.

“What?” Jongdae asks.

“We kicked Chanyeol out,” Baekhyun states, worrying his lower lip. He looks everywhere else before his eyes meet Jongdae’s wide eyes. “We should…” He takes Jongdae’s hand in his and tugs him back to sit on the bed.

Baekhyun is drunk. Clearly. Because in all the time Jongdae has been friends with him, granted that hasn’t been a long time, Baekhyun has never insinuated anything like this. Because among all their friends, he’s one of those that Baekhyun doesn’t see that way. Because Jongdae is just his friend. And yet, here he is, offering something Jongdae’s seen Baekhyun offer countless other men.

Jongdae understands the request and he wants to say yes. But not like this. Not when Baekhyun’s half-conscious, not when Baekhyun doesn’t really want him the way Jongdae wants Baekhyun. “I’m not—“ Jongdae stammers. “It’s not—you’re drunk and tired,” he tries again, a small smile on his face. “You should really sleep.” He squeezes Baekhyun’s hand before letting go.

But Baekhyun is persistent. He grabs Jongdae’s hand and pulls harder so that Jongdae practically falls on top of Baekhyun.

“Baek,” Jongdae yelps.

“Just this once, Jongdae,” Baekhyun pleads.

Jongdae inhales sharply when Baekhyun cups his neck with both hands, pulling him downwards, pulling Jongdae’s face closer to his. Jongdae clenches his fist, bracing himself as he struggles not to give in. Baekhyun’s eyes are dark with want and something else that Jongdae can’t figure out. His eyes flicker to Jongdae’s lips, his own opening slightly in anticipation.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae shakily exhales when Baekhyun’s lips find his.

“Jongdae, please,” Baekhyun breathes, presses a very gentle and chaste kiss on his lips. “Just kiss me.”

Jongdae squeezes his eyes shut as Baekhyun continues kissing him, still only a chaste pressing of lips, like he’s waiting for Jongdae to make the next move, like he’s asking for permission, like he wants Jongdae to show him that he wants this, too. It’s enough to break Jongdae down, to break all of his resistance, because Baekhyun’s lips are soft and sweet with want and because, yes, Jongdae wants this.

This is what Jongdae wants. He wants Baekhyun, has always wanted Baekhyun, in every possible way; Baekhyun’s arms around him, hands in his hair, lips moving against his. Jongdae pulls away, watching as Baekhyun’s eyes flicker open, immediately searching for his. Baekhyun’s fingers tighten in Jongdae’s hair.

Jongdae gives in, bending down, pressing even closer, and captures Baekhyun’s mouth. He traces Baekhyun’s lips with his tongue and Baekhyun willingly opens them, granting access. Jongdae licks into the cavern of his mouth and they both moan as Baekhyun sucks on his tongue.

All the feelings, all his feelings, surge through him right into the kiss, right to his fingertips that are grazing Baekhyun’s skin, moving through his cheek, through his neck and down to his arms. Jongdae has always known that it would feel good to touch Baekhyun like this, but he didn’t realize just how good it would be. Baekhyun lips taste so delightful, moans escaping every so often that are music to Jongdae’s ears, his fingers in Jongdae’s hair, hands moving from his neck down to his chest and down to his crotch.

Jongdae’s hips twitch forward when Baekhyun puts pressure on his hardness, groaning at the sudden intense pleasure. Jongdae bites Baekhyun’s lower lip, his own hand finding purchase on Baekhyun’s clothed length. He’s hard just like Jongdae and it gives Jongdae gratification to find that he has done this. He has made Baekhyun want him, too. It doesn’t even matter that it had taken a trip and some drinks to make it happen. All that matters is that they’re together now, maybe not in the way Jongdae likes, but they can work that out later on. Baekhyun is drunk, they can’t possibly discuss—

The reminder makes Jongdae pull away like he’s been burnt. Baekhyun blinks up at him, eyes hazy, cheeks pink and lips red and swollen, surprised at Jongdae’s retreat. Baekhyun is drunk. The thought squeezes Jongdae’s heart really tight. Jongdae may want Baekhyun in every way, but he doesn’t want it when there’s a chance Baekhyun won’t remember. And even if he can have this when Baekhyun is sober, he doesn’t want just this and he knows Baekhyun can’t give him that. Jongdae pulls back even further until he’s sitting back on the edge of the bed. Baekhyun doesn’t even really notice, eyes fluttering close, breathing evening out.

He can’t do this—well, he can. Baekhyun would even let him, judging by his actions earlier. But the ending would remain the same. Jongdae still won’t have Baekhyun.










“Welcome back!” Myungsoo greets him cheerfully when he opens the door and steps out.

Myungsoo wraps his arms around Jongdae in a hug. Jongdae hugs back because that’s what people who are dating do. They hug and become affectionate and hold hands and kiss. Although Myungsoo and Jongdae hadn’t done anything past holding hands and hugging, mostly because Jongdae is holding back. Because doing so would be unfair. Because Jongdae is unfair.

“Hey,” Jongdae greets back, grinning. “Sorry about being back later and sorry, I didn’t get you anything.”

Myungsoo just laughs and shakes head. He links his arms with Jongdae’s as they walk out of the building and into the sunlight. “How was the trip?” he asks. “Congratulations on winning!”

Jongdae smiles. “It was nice going home. Got to spend time with family and I met up with Chanyeol,” he shares, taking a deep breath as he remembers what happened. He shrugs. “It wasn’t anything really special.”

They arrive at the coffee shop they were heading to, ordering their usual coffee, along with a banoffee pie. Jongdae shifts uncomfortably in his seat because this place has too many good and fun memories for the both of them that Jongdae isn’t sure he wants to ruin it. Myungsoo had taken him there on their fourth date after having gone to a movie. Jongdae liked the ambiance, the wooden chairs and the wooden tables and the rustic feel of the place. It was cozy and warm, just like Myungsoo.

“We had choir practice yesterday,” Myungsoo starts, pressing his palms around his mug. “Kyungsoo and I got to talking for a bit. He mentioned that you went to an art exhibit.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae verifies, pausing to take a sip of his drink. He knows where this conversation can go, where it should go. He needs a breath. “Chanyeol had an exhibit for one of his classes and it fell on the same weekend so I decided to go.”

“With Baekhyun,” Myungsoo adds. There’s a smile on his lips but Jongdae knows that Myungsoo isn’t happy. It’s shows with how he doesn’t quite meet Jongdae’s eyes.

“Yes,” Jongdae slowly confirms. “With Baekhyun. Because....” Because Baekhyun was the only one he asked to come with him.

Myungsoo is quiet. Jongdae knows that Myungsoo isn’t blind, nor is he stupid. Sooner or later, he would have noticed and would have known that Jongdae isn’t fully invested in this relationship, if the signs hadn’t been clear right at the very beginning. Jongdae should have really said something, but he couldn’t because he was still hoping that he could turn things around. Having feelings for someone doesn’t last forever, especially when the other person doesn’t return them. Jongdae has been hoping that maybe he can get over Baekhyun and allow himself to fall for Myungsoo. It’s a dick move but Jongdae wants his chance at happiness, too, and he knows that Myungsoo can give him that.

“Because…?” Myungsoo presses, finally looking at Jongdae. “You’re going to have to tell me because I really don’t know what to think when someone I’m dating is more intimate with some other guy he claims is only a friend.”

Jongdae doesn’t know what to say. There is really nothing he can say at this point, especially with what had almost happened between him and Baekhyun. Myungsoo is wonderful, so wonderful in such a way that he’s perfect boyfriend material with how sweet, caring, and affectionate he is. All they do is pretty much hold hands and hug but in just even those things, Jongdae has felt that Myungsoo really likes him and really cares about him. In fact, Jongdae thinks Myungsoo is that kind of wonderful where he wouldn’t hesitate riding off into the sunset with him. If only Jongdae isn’t hung up on someone else.

“Sorry,” Myungsoo says, sighing and shaking his head. He reaches for Jongdae’s hand across the table and squeezes it. “I know that you and Baekhyun are practically best friends and that best friends have this bond that can’t be explained sometimes. I shouldn’t have said anything because I know—“

“I kissed him,” Jongdae blurts out. He grabs Myungsoo’s hand when Myungsoo drops his. “It wasn’t—It’s not—I didn’t mean to do it. I know this sounds like a copout,” he says when Myungsoo looks away not saying anything. “But I really didn’t mean for it to happen.” He lets go when Myungsoo struggles to free his hand. “I’m sorry.”

Jongdae knows that an apology is not enough. The heart can’t be pieced back together just because of an act of contrition. It doesn’t work that way. The heart takes months, sometimes even years, to heal. Jongdae hopes it doesn’t take so long for Myungsoo. He hopes Myungsoo doesn’t end up hating him.

“I guess I expected this,” Myungsoo finally speaks up, chuckling sardonically. “The first time I met you, Baekhyun was looking at me like I was going to take you away from him.” Jongdae’s head shoots up so he could look at him at this. “And the day I went to the pool to ask you out, you two were attached to the hip,” he continues. “So I really shouldn’t be surprised that you guys finally ended up going out.”

“We’re not going out,” Jongdae instantly corrects him. He shakes his head insistently when Myungsoo raises an eyebrow. “We’re not,” he maintains. “Baekhyun doesn’t want a relationship. I was just stupid enough to fall for him.” His eyes widen at this and he immediately looks apologetic. “I really am sorry, Myungsoo. I didn’t want to tell you like this.”

“How would you have told me otherwise?” Myungsoo asks, still smiling mockingly and Jongdae just feels even worse because there really is no other way to break up with someone.

“I just don’t want you to think that I don’t like you,” Jongdae tries to explain, “because I do, but…” He hesitates and his words leave him.

“But you’re not in love with me,” Myungsoo finishes for him. Jongdae flinches and Myungsoo reaches for his hand again. There’s a smile on his face, a more genuine one, which Jongdae doesn’t understand. “I think I’ve known about this for a while now. I tried, anyway.”

Jongdae squeezes Myungsoo’s hand with both of his. “I should have said something sooner,” he says. “I really wanted to but I was selfish.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Myungsoo admits, laughing. It sounds bitter to Jongdae’s ears. “This way I’ve had more time with you than I could have ever expected.”

Jongdae bows his head, forehead pressing onto Myungsoo’s hand. “I’m sorry,” he says, voice muffled.

“You’re so silly,” Myungsoo chuckles, sounding honestly amused.

Jongdae continues holding onto Myungsoo’s hand even as Myungsoo walks Jongdae back to his dorm building. Jongdae isn’t trying to be sadistic; it’s the only way he knows how to express how sorry he is for hurting Myungsoo. He knows what it’s like to be rejected and it’s something he didn’t want to have to do to anyone.

When they reach the steps of Jongdae’s dorm building, Myungsoo lets go of Jongdae’s hand. “Are you going to be okay?” he asks.

Jongdae blinks at him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me this,” he mutters. “I should be the one asking you if you’re okay. Or maybe the better question is if you hate me. Which, of course, I’d understand if you do.”

“I don’t hate you, Jongdae,” Myungsoo declares softly but firmly. “Sure, I’m sad that you don’t feel the same way as I do, but I also admire you.”

“What?” Jongdae weakly asks.

“Because you’re honest,” Myungsoo tells him. “Because you’re afraid of settling, because you won’t settle for anything less than what you want.”

“Being with you isn’t settling,” Jongdae interjects, shaking his head. “That’s not what this is. I just don’t want to hurt you further. I want you to be with someone who will make you happy and will take care of you and love you the way that I can’t.”

“Exactly,” Myungsoo affirms. He takes a step forward and cups Jongdae’s face. “You don’t want me to settle for something that won’t make me happy.” Jongdae’s eyes flutter shut at the tenderness that Myungsoo is showing him. “I hope you do the same for yourself, Jongdae,” he goes on and Jongdae opens his eyes. “Be afraid to settle for anything less that you want and deserve and speak up.”

Jongdae surges forward and hugs Myungsoo tightly.










“Hey, Baek,” Kyungsoo calls as he walks into the room, raising an eyebrow at how Baekhyun is practically on Jongdae’s lap as Jongdae tries to read his architectural design textbook. “Himchan’s outside for you.”

Jongdae lifts his eyes to the door, where he sees Himchan texting through the gap between the door and the wall. Baekhyun whines and complains about getting up when he’s already so comfortable. Himchan looks more handsome than usual. His hair is pushed back and he’s wearing a polo shirt and some dark jeans instead of his usual shirts and shorts combo. Jongdae averts his gaze as he sees Baekhyun touching Himchan’s arm before closing the door behind him. He shouldn’t think about what that means. Baekhyun didn’t even say a word before he left. Shaking his head, Jongdae takes a deep breath and goes back to reading, ignoring the loss of Baekhyun’s warmth and the way his heart aches.

“You two are cozier than ever,” Kyungsoo mutters as he rummages around his desk for a pen. “I don’t know why you two don’t just get an apartment and move in together. Or better yet, I should go and apply for a single. That way I can live and study in peace.”

“Why would we move in together?” Jongdae chuckles. The thought is appealing, of course, because Jongdae wants so much more with Baekhyun, now more than ever. But it isn’t something that Baekhyun would agree to. “Living with Baekhyun would be a pain. At least you don’t bring home a guy every so often.”

Kyungsoo pauses and turns to face him. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing,” Jongdae says, turning his attention back to his book. “Just that, I’d rather not put myself in a situation where I’d have a harder time studying.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Kyungsoo truly looks like he’s wondering if Jongdae is joking and is incredibly surprised when Jongdae gives him a straight-faced look. “What’s going on with you?”

Jongdae chuckles, not happily, and shakes his head. “You don’t want me to answer that question,” he mutters, glancing at his bag, where a folded letter is in that made Jongdae’s bag heavier.

“Are you and Baekhyun fighting again?” Kyungsoo asks, sitting on his bed. “I thought after your side trip two weeks ago…”

“We’re fine,” Jongdae assures him. Although Jongdae thinks that Baekhyun is feeling better than Jongdae will ever be. It’s easier to have been the one drunk that night and not have remembered anything. At least that’s one person out of two. It’s better than nothing. He takes a deep breath. “Baekhyun and I have always been fine.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head and makes a face at him. “You two are ridiculous,” he states. “So what is wrong if it’s not Baekhyun? Because you look like you’re about to cry.”

“I do?” Jongdae blinks. He thinks he’s been handling himself quite well, considering the circumstances.

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo presses.

Jongdae glances at his bag again before looking back to the open textbook on his lap. “What would you do if you found out you couldn’t swim anymore, Soo?” he randomly asks.

Kyungsoo is quiet for a bit before shrugging. “I don’t really know. Throw a fit?” he answers honestly. “I’ve been swimming for as long as I could remember. I think it would be really strange if I suddenly can’t do it anymore.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae agrees, nodding. As to be expected. Kyungsoo is like most of the guys on the team, who swim because they love it.

There’s something careful in Kyungsoo’s demeanor as he studies Jongdae. “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious,” Jongdae says with a grin. He slaps his hand on his book. “Anyway, I really have to get back to this. I have an exam.”

“Didn’t you just finish exams before we competed last, last week?” Kyungsoo reminds him curiously. “What is this exam for?”

“For me not to fail,” Jongdae says it as lightly as he could because it’s not a big deal. He’s never really failed anything before and he’s not going to start now. He’d received the letter the day he got back. He’s been struggling in all of his classes, but if he doesn’t do well in this make-up exam for his architectural design class, he’s going to fall it and he will be pulled out of the team.

Kyungsoo’s wide eyes widen even more. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”

“I’m fine,” Jongdae repeats, smiling. It’s a lie but he can’t bear to speak out the truth right now. “I’ve just been having a harder time than I expected to. But I have it under control.”

“Did you tell Donghae at least?” Kyungsoo gently asks. “Because I heard that when there was a member of the team in the past who was struggling with their academics, he put a program in place so that that swimmer could practice and get tutoring at the same time. He can help.”

Jongdae shakes his head. “It’s okay,” he insists. He knows he’s being stubborn but he really doesn’t want this to be a big deal because it isn’t. “It’ll be okay.”

It should be okay because Jongdae’s family is counting on him to do well because he’s on scholarship and if he fails, he loses the scholarship and loses his spot on the team. His mother will surely be upset and that’s the last thing Jongdae wants to happen. He doesn’t want to make his family sad and embarrassed because Jongdae is failing and isn’t swimming anymore.

“What would you do if you found out you couldn’t swim anymore?” Kyungsoo suddenly asks him.

Jongdae doesn’t know what he would do either. But he thinks he wouldn’t throw a fit like Kyungsoo said he would. Jongdae probably won’t even bat an eyelash. And that, Jongdae thinks, is a terrifying thing.










The exam was hard. Coupled with the pressure, it was even harder. All Jongdae could think about how his future relied on this single test. The piece of paper that he is no holding in his hands is going to determine his future with the swimming team and with the university. All Jongdae can think about now is what’s going to happen next.

He finds Baekhyun. In spite of everything, Baekhyun is still his closest friend in university, probably his best friend after Chanyeol, and even though they almost crossed the boundaries of that friendship, Jongdae thinks there’s no one he’d talk to about this than Baekhyun.

“Jongdae,” Joonmyun calls and waves as he enters the cafeteria, his voice echoing around the place. It’s late afternoon so there aren’t many people around. Baekhyun turns around in his seat and smiles when he spots Jongdae.

“Hey,” Jongdae greets, looking around the table. He’s surprised to find Himchan, Kris, Tao and Jongin there, along with Kyungsoo and Soojung. “Is the team having a meeting of sorts that I didn’t know about?” he jokes as he takes his seat beside Baekhyun.

“I’m not even on the team,” Jongin says, grunting when Baekhyun slaps his hand, stopping him from getting more food from his plate. Jongdae doesn’t comment on this.

“Me neither,” Himchan reminds him, glancing at Joonmyun when he chuckles in agreement. Jongdae purses his lips and looks away, hoping the annoyance doesn’t show on his face. Because really, if Himchan isn’t on the swimming team, then why is he around all the time?

“Give me a second,” Baekhyun tells Jongdae as he continues to eat, finishing his food.

“No problem,” Jongdae assures him. Baekhyun leans on Jongdae’s side and Jongdae takes his phone out, one hand on the table, determined not to give a reaction to the stares that they’re receiving. Kyungsoo’s in particular is very piercing, while Soojung’s is amused.

They’ve never talked about what’s going on between them. When anyone asks Jongdae, all he says is that there’s nothing going on, which he thinks is a great answer because it’s also a truthful answer. He never knows what Baekhyun says when he gets asked, if he even gets asked because, well, everyone knows about Baekhyun and his relationships. No one’s asked them when they were together and he really hopes that no one’s going to start now, even if Baekhyun’s head is now on his shoulder, his hands playing with Jongdae’s on the table.

If there’s anything that’s most confusing to Jongdae, aside from all their alone time together, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, movie outings, DVD time at the dorm, random city walking tours, it’s Baekhyun being touchy with him in public, and not just in public, in front of their friends. Sometimes it almost feels deliberate, the way Baekhyun glues himself to him and becomes overly affectionate. It almost feels mocking at times.

“You ready to go?” Jongdae asks Baekhyun when he’s drank his water.

“Where are you two off to?” Kris wants to know.

“Just to talk,” Jongdae answers, not saying anything more as he and Baekhyun get up to leave. He catches Kyungsoo’s gaze by accident and there’s a certain understanding lingering there. Jongdae looks away.

“Be safe,” Soojung calls when Jongdae and Baekhyun are almost out of the cafeteria.

Jongdae stoutly ignores the laughter that follows after them, only letting his breath go when they’re out of earshot. Baekhyun is quiet beside him. This is something that Jongdae’s noticed the past few days but is something that he doesn’t know how to get used to. But whenever Jongdae asks, Baekhyun would always just say that nothing’s wrong. They’re still touchy and affectionate, Baekhyun just says so much less these days.

“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun finally asks when they reach the pool and take a seat on the middle part of the bleachers.

Jongdae remembers why he asked to talk to Baekhyun and, all of a sudden, he doesn’t know whether he wants to say anything or not. He leans back, resting his weight on his arms and hands and looks up at the ceiling. This has been weighing heavily on him ever since he found out about his makeup exam results.

“Yeah,” Jongdae lies. Sometimes, it’s easier to lie because the truth just hurts too much. “Just that I might be… going away. For a while.”

Baekhyun looks at him, eyes unreadable. “Why?” he asks.

Jongdae didn’t make it. He failed his architectural design class and the makeup exam just reminded him of that. Now, he has to retake the class in a different school that he can afford because he’s now out of a scholarship until he can catch up. Because of this, he is also out of the team, too. Donghae looked thoroughly disappointed when he informed him of what happened. Jongdae doesn’t think he can handle the same look on Baekhyun’s face.

“For some… out of school program,” Jongdae tells him, wondering why it’s so easy to fib this. “Like an exchange thing. I need to take up some classes in a different school so… I’m going.” Jongdae remembers Myungsoo’s words and just shakes his head.

“You’re not going to swim?” Baekhyun then asks. His brows are now furrowed.

“No,” Jongdae answers truthfully, shaking his head. “Not while I’m away. I just wanted to tell you before anyone else because—”

“Yeah, I get it,” Baekhyun interjects rather sharply.

Jongdae frowns. “We’ll still be friends. I’m just not going to be around,” he continues, grinning as he tries to lift the mood. “It’ll be almost like I’m actually here and—“

“You don’t have to,” Baekhyun cuts him off again. He stands up and picks up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. “I don’t know why you had to use the school program to tell me this.”

“Baek, what are you—“ Jongdae starts, truly confused.

“I get it, okay?” Baekhyun snaps. His eyes are hard and cold. “I’m not stupid. I should have expected it anyway.” He shrugs and laughs derisively. Jongdae cringes at the sound. “I guess I’ll see you around then. Or not.”

Jongdae watches with confusion, his heart in pieces, as Baekhyun walks away. Of course Baekhyun would act that way. Of course Baekhyun would act like Jongdae meant nothing to him. Of course. What else did he expect?

Jongdae shakes his head, shakes off the sting in his chest, and gets up. This isn’t how he wanted things to be. If he had it his way, he would be doing well in both his academics and his sport, he would be happy and Baekhyun would be beside him.

As it stands, he has nothing.










“I can’t believe you just got up and left.” Chanyeol opens the box that contains Jongdae’s textbooks and starts taking them out one by one. They’re thick and heavy and Chanyeol makes a face each time he carries one out to place on the table. “Man, why do they make books like this?” he whines. “Everything should be digital these days.”

“Stop complaining,” Jongdae mutters as he tries to make the ramen that he’s cooking edible. He’s never really been that good in actually cooking things. He can help out with chopping things and prepping, but not the actually making of food.

“How are you doing?” Chanyeol asks, voice softer, gentler. He’s leaning back on the couch slash bed, eyes warm and comforting. Chanyeol has always known how to make Jongdae feel better even without saying anything.

“Fine,” Jongdae mutters. What can he say? He’s not ecstatic. He’s not jumping up and down. Getting thrown out of his academic and swimming program for the semester because he failed to meet the requirements isn’t something that anyone would be happy about. Especially when he could still hear the disappointment on his mother’s voice.

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol starts and Jongdae can already feel him pushing back. But Jongdae doesn’t stop him.

As soon as Jongdae told Chanyeol that he was moving out of his dormitory temporarily, Chanyeol had hopped on a bus to come to his aid. Jongdae doesn’t have many friends who would do that for him. He thinks only Chanyeol would do that for him.

“I don’t know how I feel,” Jongdae admits as he stirs the soup. “All I know is that I have to do well so that I can go back and study architecture and swim again so my family will stop being ashamed of me.”

“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol asks, sounding aghast. “They’re not ashamed of you. Disappointed, maybe, but not ashamed. No one is ashamed of you.”

“What are you talking about?” Jongdae scoffs. He turns the fire off and gets the bowls that he’s prepared. “I come from a family of achievers, of architects and swimmers. How can they not be ashamed when their youngest child is a failure on both accounts?” He may be exaggerating, but he really thinks it’s lucky that he was only able to break the news to his mother over the phone. He doesn’t think he can bear to see her disappointment right in front of him.

“Jongdae.” Chanyeol stands up and rests his hip on the counter so he can get a proper look at him. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are only two architects in your entire lineage. Two. Also, your brother is the only one who’s ever touched competitive swimming. I don’t think there’s a basis for your stress.” He grabs Jongdae’s arms and makes Jongdae face him. “You did your best,” he maintains. “Failing one—one—class isn’t cause for the embarrassment that you’re thinking it warrants.”

Jongdae sighs and drops the spoon in the saucepan. Chanyeol catches it before it sinks and continues stirring for a bit before taking the spoon out and putting the cover on it to cook the noodles more.

“I just wish I could have done better,” Jongdae confesses, hitching himself up the counter, eyes on the pot.

Jongdae really wishes he could have. He should have taken up more tutoring, should have come to Donghae for help… He should have done a lot of things. His focus was also lacking. Swimming the best that he can became a bigger priority than studying when he’s always had something to prove on both accounts. Or maybe it wasn’t swimming that distracted him at all. Maybe it was someone.

“Do you know why I started swimming?” Jongdae suddenly speaks up, looking at Chanyeol.

“Because…” Chanyeol starts but trails away, eyebrows scrunched together. “Well I used to think that it was because you loved it.”

“Because Jongdeok couldn’t swim anymore,” Jongdae comes clean, smiling a little as he looks at his shoes. “Because mom was sad when Jongdeok injured himself so badly that he couldn’t swim competitively anymore.”

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol quietly responds, but doesn’t say anything more. His eyes are wide with surprise.

“Because mom had hugged me while she was crying and told me that she wants me to be like my brother but that I shouldn’t hurt myself, that I should be more careful,” Jongdae continues, eyes still downwards. “I’d always known that I was going to study to be an architect someday, but I didn’t know I was supposed to swim, too. But I knew then because my mom had told me explicitly.”

“So you joined the swimming club,” Chanyeol pieces it together. When Jongdae looks at him, there’s something like shock on his face. “I didn’t… I didn’t know that was the reason why. I just assumed that…” He reaches for Jongdae’s hand.

“I’m not mad,” Jongdae states with certainty, gripping Chanyeol’s hand. “Not really. I guess I just wonder if I really want it enough to keep on doing this, both swimming and architecture, for the rest of my life.”

“There’s still time to figure things out,” Chanyeol assures him.

They say it’s in university where you’re formed to be the kind of individual that you need to be before you are launched as a functioning member of society. Jongdae’s only a freshman. He doesn’t have to figure it out now or this year even. He smiles at Chanyeol, who smiles back encouragingly at him. There is still time.

“How are you and Baekhyun?” Chanyeol then asks as he takes the pot and puts it on the living room table. He sits on the floor.

Jongdae flinches, rather visibly at this, as he takes his seat opposite his best friend. Baekhyun’s name was going to come up sooner or later but that didn’t mean he was prepared for it. They haven’t talked once ever since Jongdae left. Baekhyun didn’t even come to the going away party that his teammates threw for him. He didn’t even see Jongdae off at the bus station, like Kyungsoo, Soojung, Joonmyun and even Myungsoo had.

Jongdae knows that Baekhyun is picky with the people he lets come close because of a childhood of continuously being left behind, but Jongdae had hoped that Baekhyun would trust him more to be there for him even if he wasn’t physically around. Baekhyun obviously doesn’t and he obviously doesn’t care for Jongdae as much as Jongdae hoped he did. All his text messages and emails went unanswered.

“He’s busy,” Jongdae mutters, taking a spoonful of noodles and shoving them into his mouth, making it an excuse to not be able to say anything more. Baekhyun is probably with Zitao or maybe Kris, probably Himchan, seeing as Himchan’s been the one whom Baekhyun has seen around more than the others.

“Too busy to help you go through this?” Chanyeol carefully asks. He hasn’t even started eating because he’s so busy questioning Jongdae and analyzing his answers.

Jongdae shrugs. “Everything he’s told me, I already knew before he ever said anything,” he says nonchalantly, taking several gulps of the hot soup.

“And what is that?” Chanyeol presses.

“That I’m just one of his friends,” Jongdae relays. Saying it out loud hurts more than it should. Jongdae puts his spoon down and slouches in his seat. He knows better than to throw himself a pity party. He knew what he was getting into when he acknowledged his feelings for Baekhyun as more than platonic. He knew. Therefore, he doesn’t have a right to be upset when things turned out just as he expected it to.

“I don’t think—“ Chanyeol starts but Jongdae cuts him off with a glare that ends the conversation.

“The noodles are getting cold,” Jongdae finally says after a short silence. It’s only then that Chanyeol starts eating.










Jongdeok comes to visit two weeks after he’s moved into his temporary apartment. The school where he’s taking up his makeup class isn’t that far from his university, which makes it still quite far from home. But Jongdeok is standing outside of his door just as Jongdae’s coming home from class.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asks as he watches as Jongdeok survey the place with interest.

“Can’t I visit my baby brother?” Jongdeok asks, turning towards him with a warm smile. Jongdae is surprised that Jongdeok hasn’t started questioning him about what happened with his academics.

“Aren’t you busy with work?” Jongdae presses, still in disbelief that his brother is actually here.

“I’m on leave from work actually,” Jongdeok shares, grinning as he takes a seat. Jongdae stays, where he’s standing. “I’ve decided to go back to school. For culinary. You remember, right, when I said I wanted to go to culinary school?”

“You actually did it?” Jongdae is incredibly surprised. “What did mom say?”

Jongdeok shrugs. “Mom doesn’t really care,” he says, chuckling. “I mean, she supports me because she knows I really want to do it.”

That doesn’t make sense to Jongdae. Their lives were set right when they were kids, even when their father was still alive. Jongdae has faint memories of his dad telling him about how being an architect is a job with honor because you help give roofs over people’s heads and create structures for jobs and other important institutions. It’s confusing to Jongdae who’s only known the direction that his parents had given him and his brother and for his brother to deviate from this given path…

“What are these?” Jongdeok suddenly asks, getting up and moving to the shelf beside the couch. He picks up several pieces of paper as well as a large notebook that Jongdae uses for his drawings.

“Nothing,” is Jongdae’s default response as it always is when it comes to his drawings.

“It doesn’t look like nothing to me,” Jongdeok says as he flips over page after page, looking more and more interested as he does. “These are really good. Did Chanyeol draw these? Did he leave his sketchbook behind?”

Jongdae takes a deep breath. “Those are mine,” he corrects him. Jongdeok’s gaze whips at him and Jongdae stares at the wooden floor. “I drew them.”

Jongdeok looks at each of the drawings more intently after that, like he’s studying them, and it makes Jongdae feel self-conscious. Jongdae turns around and busies himself with preparing some snacks and refreshments for his older brother. It’s not everyday that his brother comes to visit him; it’s not everyday that he can serve his brother like this.

“These are really amazing, Jongdae,” Jongdeok states, the sketchbook still open on his lap, as Jongdae places a plate of cookies (it’s really all he has) and a glass of iced tea.

“They’re not that good,” Jongdae insists, laughing it off. He sits beside Jongdeok and leans back on the sofa. “It’s just something I do when I feel bored or when I’m taking a break from studying.”

“You’re very talented, then, if this is just some side thing for you and you already draw like this,” Jongdeok continues. He shakes his head, chuckling a little. “I didn’t realize…” He lifts his gaze and looks at Jongdae. “When did you start drawing?”

Jongdae shrugs. “Not too long ago,” he answers. “Some time in high school. It’s not important. It’s not a big deal.” He takes the sketchbook from Jongdeok’s hands, closes it and puts it on the space beside him. “I mean, it’s better than when I drew on the walls at home when I was younger.” He chuckles.

Their house has a lot of white walls, which would be inviting to any kid to draw on it or just mess it up. Which is exactly what Jongdae had done. He’d used his crayons that he’d gotten for his seventh birthday and had drawn the grass and the sky and the sun. Jongdeok, four years older than him, had seen the fun and even joined in.

“I remember seeing your drawings,” Jongdeok says, straightening up suddenly. “When we were younger.” Jongdae doesn’t meet his brother’s eyes and just continues staring at the untouched cookies on the table. He isn’t really sure why he’s so uncomfortable talking about this, but he is. “I went to your room to get the Legos that you’d borrowed from me and there were these papers lying on the bed. They were of all these superheroes. I remember.”

Jongdae remembers, too. But then he also remembers his parents scolding him with Jongdeok, hiding his crayon-soiled hands behind his back and pointing figurative fingers at him that it was Jongdae’s and only Jongdae’s fault alone.

“It’s not a big deal,” Jongdae repeats with a half shrug. “They’re just doodles.”

“But you do it a lot so it must make you happy,” Jongdeok persists.

“Just because you do something a lot doesn’t follow that it makes you happy,” Jongdae says and it comes out a lot sharper than he intended it to. Jongdeok is looking at him with concern. “Sorry,” he mutters, forcing a smile out.

Jongdae clasps his hands together and keeps his eyes down. There’s a chip on one corner of the table. It actually looks more than a chip, more like a scrape from something sharp. Maybe dog teeth? Jongdae’s pretty sure they don’t allow animals in the building.

“You’ve been drawing a lot all throughout your high school years,” Jongdeok points out.

“Not a lot,” Jongdae corrects him softly. “It’s just something I did to pass time. Besides, when I started swimming, I barely had time to—“

“You stopped when you started swimming,” Jongdeok interrupts, realization dawning on him.

“I didn’t,” Jongdae hurriedly states. It’s a lie. He did stop drawing. It’s only when he entered college that he started drawing again as a way to alleviate the stress of everything and a way to make the sadness he feels go away. “I’m still drawing.” He gestures to his sketchbook.

Jongdae hears the question before Jongdeok actually says it.

“Do you like swimming, Jongdae?” his brother asks.

“Sure, I do,” Jongdae answers swiftly. He leans forward and pushes the plate of cookies and the iced tea, which isn’t cold anymore, towards his brother. “C’mon, eat something,” he reminds him, getting up to go to the kitchen. “Is there anything else that you want?”

Jongdae is sure that his brother knows what he’s doing. They’ve never really been that close, but they have lived together long enough to know that Jongdae tends to run away when he is asked about himself. And Jongdae really doesn’t want to talk about how swimming might have possibly taken him to a path he doesn’t necessarily want for himself. It’s not that he blames his brother; Jongdae would never. But he does feel bad for not being courageous enough, for not being more outspoken about things that he possibly wants.

When Jongdae turns to Jongdeok because of his silence, Jongdeok just shakes his head. “This is good,” he tells Jongdae with a smile.

Jongdae nods and ignores how his brother looks like that wasn’t what he meant to say at all.










It takes almost a month for Jongdae to adjust properly to his current situation. He barely sleeps, worrying a lot about his academics, slipping into a routine that doesn’t involve swimming, getting used to the feeling of his family’s disappointment in him. But he wakes up earlier than he normally does, at around 5 o’clock in the morning, and jogs around the block of his apartment before getting for school. He’s only repeating one class, so he’s decided to take up the classes that he should be taking had he been still studying in his university so he wouldn’t get left behind when he returns. “We’ll always have a place for you here,” Donghae had assured him. Jongdae is glad that he’s an above average swimmer. If he were anything less, his return wouldn’t even be considered.

Weeks after and he still hasn’t made any friends. His mind has been too preoccupied with academic work, and he’s been spending all of his free time in the library to study. Pressure chokes him up, but he can’t afford to fail the second time around. He is not going to put himself and his family through that again. He’s taken up a job at a café and is working part-time in the library; staying well beyond the closing time helps him get more schoolwork done. The additional pay makes dealing with expenses much more bearable.

His mother had asked him once, if he had enough to get by, and he’d lied and said everything had been taken care of. He didn’t want to cause any more suffering to her – to them. He can fix his screw ups on his own.

It’s almost 1 o’clock in the early morning when he finds his way back to the apartment. He’d pushed himself to study until the librarian was physically pushing him to get out of there, after which he found a café where he could study further. They have an exam at the end of the week and it’s imperative that Jongdae does well. His stomach rumbles with hunger and he contemplates stopping by a convenience store before crashing into his bed, but decides against it. Jongdae would rather save his money. He can eat tomorrow.

He sighs in exhaustion and excitement when his apartment building comes in sight. He can already imagine the lumpy bed he’s going to sleep on. Sleep has been most invaluable to him because, as much as he barely gets to do it, it’s also a way to make him forget how sad he is.

Aside from struggling with his classes and his jobs, Jongdae misses Baekhyun. Sometimes, when Jongdae wakes up, he expects Baekhyun to be sitting on the edge of his bed or hovering over his desk, sneakily going through his things. There are days when Jongdae just expects Baekhyun to appear beside him, throwing an arm over his shoulder or grabbing him around the waist. Jongdae misses Baekhyun’s quips and the way he laughs like there’s no tomorrow, all teeth showing and body shaking. He misses the way Baekhyun’s fingers seem to fit well between his own, how it’s so comfortable and so easy whenever he leans his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder, how Baekhyun seems so pliant when they’re cuddling in the dorm.

As it is, Baekhyun isn’t talking to Jongdae. No matter what Jongdae tried, texting, calling, emailing, sending snail mails, giving messages through Kyungsoo, Baekhyun never responds. It’s almost as if Baekhyun doesn’t acknowledge his existence, like Jongdae doesn’t exist. The worst part is that Jongdae isn’t really sure what he did to warrant this kind of treatment. Sure, Jongdae left suddenly, but he doesn’t think that he should be sentenced to being ignored forever. It’s almost as if Baekhyun doesn’t really care for their friendship.

Jongdae closes his eyes and leans on the back of his door once he closes it. He rests for a bit, trying to rid himself of sad and self deprecating thoughts. If Baekhyun doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, he’s going to have to live with it until he gets back into university. Jongdae can’t afford to have Baekhyun distracting him even when he’s not around.

He walks inside and plops down on his sofa-slash-bed. It’s folded up right now and Jongdae really doesn’t have the energy to unfold it so he can lie down properly and more comfortably. He knows he will regret it in the morning with how stiff his neck and back will be, but he just lies there, closing his eyes and opening them again after a few seconds because he needs to get dressed and brush his teeth, among other things, before going to sleep, his eyes moving around the apartment.

Jongdae isn’t really a messy person, but there are papers strewn all over the table that Jongdae knows he should tidy up. Grumbling to himself, he straightens up, stretches satisfyingly, and gets up to fix the papers before going to the bathroom. As he does, he realizes that they are the drawings that he’d started but never finished because he had to leave for his classes that morning. Sitting back down, he grabs a pencil and starts to draw to finish it. He doesn’t even have to think, he just does it. Because, these days, there’s really only one thing that he draws.

The drawing helps alleviate the wretchedness and the loneliness somehow. But it also keeps the fire burning over something that should have been in ashes a long time ago. Still, Jongdae draws Baekhyun. Because Jongdae draws Baekhyun the way he was when Baekhyun was still happy with Jongdae around. This way Jongdae can pretend that everything is okay.










Jongdae wakes up with a crick on his neck. He groans as he very slowly gets up from the couch, his back and arms aching. He knew he was going to be sore in the morning. The papers are still on the table and Jongdae hastily shuffles them together and places the drawing of Baekhyun between the pages of one of his books. He fell asleep around the time he was shading Baekhyun’s lips.

It’s already 7:30 and Jongdae shakes his head. There are little miracles every now and then, most of which happen when he actually gets to sleep in on days when his classes don’t start earlier than the usual.

Finishing with his morning routine, he’s shrugging his jacket on, preparing to go out so he can put some food in his body, when there’s a knock on his door. He never has visitors, except for Chanyeol, who comes once every two weeks, and maybe his brother, who has only really visited once. But they’ve never come in the morning so Jongdae is wondering whom this could be.

“Mom!” Jongdae exclaims, taking a step back in surprise when the open door reveals her. “What are you doing here?” he blurts out when they hug.

“I wanted to come see you,” his mother says when they’re inside. “I’ve been meaning to come earlier but things got a bit busy and…” She looks around the place that Jongdae’s been living in for practically a month now. “So this is where you’re staying.” She doesn’t sound like she’s judging, but Jongdae knows that she’s now wishing that Jongdae had accepted her help.

“It’s home for now.” Jongdae tries to appease her with a warm smile. There’s always a tentativeness that he feels when he meets up with her, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s always glad to see her. “Is this breakfast?” he asks, eyes falling to the paper bags that she’s placed on the kitchen counter.

“Yes,” she agrees, unpacking containers of Jongdae’s favorites. She pats Jongdae’s cheek when he yells in delight as he rubs his tummy up and down. “I hope you are taking care of yourself, Jongdae.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Jongdae tells her with a full mouth, making her shake her head at him. “I’m doing fine,” he continues when he swallows. “Classes are going well and I get lots of time for myself.”

“Tell me what it’s been like,” his mother says, eager to listen.

Jongdae talks about his daily routine, what his classes are like, how it’s different from his university, how the college doesn’t even have a swimming pool. He tells her about how the class gets restless and rowdy when the subject matter is too hard, how the professors are patient enough to go through things with the students step by step. Jongdae carefully treads on the topic of him working at a café and the library, but his mother doesn’t really say anything, which makes him relax. He then goes on what the college is like, what the people and his classmates are like. He talks about the library, how he’s made a corner for himself because he stays there so often.

“It’s weird,” Jongdae muses, “only focusing on academics and not having swimming.” Jongdae does find it weird. It’s always been a habit for him to wake up early for swimming practice and go to the pool after classes for more swimming training. Without swimming, there’s nothing left to fill his free time with but more studying.

“Do you miss it?” his mother wants to know. Her eyes are gentle and inquiring so Jongdae smiles.

“Of course,” Jongdae answers, nodding. He misses the team and how they all pretend they’re doing the assigned training until Donghae stands, staring at them sternly, hands on his hips. But they constantly make themselves available to him through incessant phone calls, most of the time from Zitao and Sehun. Still, in a way, there’s also this relief to know that he doesn’t have to swim. At least for now.

She opens his mouth to say something else, but changes her mind. “Jongdae,” his mother starts again after seemingly composing her thoughts, lips pursing a bit, which is a signal to Jongdae that their conversation is about to turn serious. He’d expected as much. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t want to talk to him face-to-face about what happened. “Are you unhappy?” Her eyes linger on the book where he’d stuffed all his drawings before dragging her gaze back towards him.

“What?” Jongdae blinks at her in surprise and confusion.

“You’ve always been a happy kid,” she continues softly. “You’re always smiling and laughing and it never really occurred to me that you could be unhappy, that you might be miserable.”

“Mom…” Jongdae starts, hesitating. “Did Jongdeok say anything?”

His mother just shakes her head. “I just want you to know, Jongdae, that all I’ve ever wanted for you—all your father and I ever wanted for you and your brother is to be happy. So if there’s anything you want to do, if you want to try something else, to stop swimming or—“

“Mom,” Jongdae tries to stop her because this is a conversation he never thought he would have with her. Sure he and his mother talk, but not like this, not so serious and not about his future.

“You can do it,” she persists. She reaches for his hand on the countertop and squeezes it. Her hand is warm, comforting and reassuring in a way Jongdae never thought she could be. “You can do whatever you want that will make you happy, Jongdae, and I will support you.” She purses her lips again, eyes bright with a look that Jongdae knows is sincerity and love. “As long as it’s legal and it doesn’t have the potential to kill you and doesn’t endanger the lives of others and—“

“Mom,” Jongdae laughs, cutting her off. He gets up from his chair and walks over to her to hug her tightly. He has to cut her off because if she continues any further, he’s going to cry. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason, he’s never felt that he could do anything that he wanted. It never even occurred to him that there are other things he can do aside from architecture and swimming. It never occurred to him that he had that freedom all along and that his mother loved him so much. “I love you, mom.”

“Oh Jongdae,” his mother says, voice shaky, patting his arms that are around her. “You only have to tell me what you want and I will support you. You only have to speak up and everything will follow.”

Jongdae is quiet as he closes his eyes. He keeps hugging his mother from behind, his head resting on her shoulder. It’s an awkward position, kind of like the way his relationships with his mother has been stilted all this while. But it’s the most comfortable he’s been with her in a long, long time.

“Okay,” he whispers, agreeing with her. “Okay.”










“Hey Jongdae!”

Jongdae looks up from where his eyes and his brain are buried in his textbook. It’s one of his classmates—good-looking, tall, with a bit long, shaggy hair. From what he remembers, his name is Minho. They’ve talked several times about classes and homework, and when Minho asks him to hang out with them.

“You want to get lunch with us?”

Jongdae glances at his watch and realizes that it’s already lunchtime. He didn’t realize that it has been that long since he started studying. Lunch is rarely ever something that he does on time because he normally waits to eat until his shift in the café at 4 o’clock.

Minho sits down beside him and peers at his book, making a face. “Haven’t you had enough of that this morning?” he asks, leaning back on the seat and making a face.

Jongdae hesitates. Some of his other classmates had asked him to join them several times before this, not just for lunch but also to go have dinner or go to the movies. He has always said no. Maybe this time he shouldn’t. “Cafeteria?” he asks.

Minho shakes his head. “At the diner just outside of campus,” he says, moving to get up.

Jongdae nods. He knows that place. It’s only a couple of buildings away from the café he works at. “Okay,” he agrees to Minho’s surprise. He packs his things.

Minho puts an arm around his shoulders as they exit the library. He keeps it there all the way to the diner, where three more of their classmates are at already. Jinki, Jonghyun and Kibum.

“Look who’s decided to join us!” Minho announces their arrival. He pulls a separate chair, while Jongdae sits beside Kibum in the booth.

Jongdae thinks he hasn’t had this much fun since he’d gotten there. Sure, Minho can be a bit pompous and over competitive, while Jonghyun keeps on taking selcas with Kibum sneaking his face into the screen at the last minute, and Jinki keeps on humming songs to himself. They’re all a bit silly, but also fun, that Jongdae wishes he’d started hanging out with them right at the start. Maybe then he wouldn’t have felt so lonely. Studying and finishing with high grades was in the forefront of his mind that he didn’t think he had time to make friends, especially since he was leaving after the semester anyway. He realizes with a jolt that this is kind of how Baekhyun operates. The thought makes Jongdae miss him.

“You alright?” Kibum nudges him gently, gentle smile on his face. His shock of platinum blond hair glints so brightly in the sunlight that Jongdae has to keep blinking to keep himself from getting constantly blinded. “You spaced out for a while.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae hurriedly assures him. “I was just thinking that it’s too bad I’ve only gotten to know you guys just now. All that wasted time.” Kibum quirks an eyebrow in question. “I’m only going to be here for the semester.”

“Are you going to die after the semester?” Kibum asks, tilting his head curiously. Jonghyun laughs loudly when he overhears the question.

“No,” Jongdae answers, frowning in confusion.

“There you go, then,” Kibum says, waving his hand flamboyantly. “That’s not really a problem. It’s not an issue if you’re not going to die after the semester.”

“I just meant that I wouldn’t be here anymore,” Jongdae clarifies, rolling his eyes. “I only have about two more months until I leave and we probably won’t see each other again.”

“Well if you wanted to see us, Jongdae,” Jinki joins in, “you only have to say the word and we’ll come see you.” Minho smiles, wiggling his eyebrows up and down in agreement.

“Or you can come see us,” Jonghyun adds.

“The roads leading here aren’t going to shrivel up when you’re gone,” Kibum continues, wrapping an arm around Jongdae and squeezing his neck with enough pressure that Jongdae coughs. “Don’t assume that just because you leave, our friendship has to end.”

“Besides, with the way Minho has been successful in getting you to finally hang out with us, finally, I don’t think he would just stop talking to you when you leave,” Jonghyun says, chuckling when Minho slaps the back of his head.

Jongdae laughs, somewhat uncomfortably, when Minho blushes. He’s not dense; he’s sensed that maybe Minho is interested in more than just hanging out as friends. But he doesn’t let this get to him—Minho hasn’t really said anything so he isn’t going to assume any further.

“Thanks, guys,” Jongdae says truthfully.

“There’s so much time to cultivate this friendship,” Kibum states matter-of-factly. “It’s never too late.” He winks and Jongdae beams.

Jinki glances at the clock and turns to them. “Should we go?” he asks. “I have a class in 30 minutes.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun says, picking up his bag. “Mine is in an hour but I have to head back to the dorms to cram homework.”

Minho tsks and shakes his head. “I don’t know how you pass when you cram all the time,” he says as they walk out of the diner.

“I’m just that good,” Jonghyun declares, raising his hands up wide that Jinki has to put them down himself and wrap his arm around him to stop him from doing it again.

“I’m heading back to campus, too,” Kibum says, turning to Jongdae.

“I’m going back to my apartment and freshen up before I head to work,” Jongdae tells them, smiling. “Thanks for this, guys. We should do it again.”

“Tomorrow,” Jonghyun promises before Jinki and Kibum begin to pull him to the other side of the street.

Jongdae turns to Minho, who is standing beside him, hands in his pockets. “Thank you for inviting me again and again,” he says, half teasing. He laughs when Minho blushes and makes a face. “Really, though.” He means it. It’s nice not to be given up on.

Minho just shrugs. “You want me to walk you to your apartment?” He starts to walk, but Jongdae stops him with a hand on Minho’s arm.

“It’s fine,” Jongdae assures him. “I’m… really busy and I’m…” He laughs uncomfortably. To his surprise, Minho laughs, too.

Patting Jongdae’s head, Minho says, “I understand,” he says and Jongdae looks at him worriedly. “You don’t have to worry about anything. Nothing is going to change, right?”

“Of course not,” Jongdae guarantees. He worries his lower lip. “But why would you…?”

“I had to try, right?” Minho says confidently. “It might have been too soon, but I’ve gotten you to say yes to lunch finally, might as well go all the way.”

“But you could have waited until we’ve become better friends?” Jongdae says quietly and uncertainly. That’s normally how this works, you ask someone out as friends and as you become closer, you then ask them out on a date.

“Would your answer have changed if I asked later on?” Minho wants to know. “Because I can and I will probably ask again.” He chuckles when Jongdae rolls his eyes.

“I…” Jongdae starts. A lot can happen in a couple of months. Things change for even longer than that. But he thinks of the next three years of his life, and he thinks of Baekhyun. He shakes his head. “Probably not.” He sighs apologetically. “But you couldn’t have known that,” he points out.

“I believe that we always have time for things, that there could have been time for me to pursue you properly,” Minho clarifies. “But, I figured, why waste the opportunity? We could be friends for a long time after this but I might never get the chance again, so…” He shrugs. “You’ve seen how competitive I am. I normally just go for what I want as soon as I realize I want it.”

“That’s really brave,” Jongdae says. He isn’t the type. He normally waits and lets the want simmer deep down in him until it feels like he’s going to explode. It’s a good thing he hasn’t exploded yet.

Minho claps Jongdae’s back, letting the touch linger for a second before dropping his hand. “We should go swimming some time,” he says, suddenly changing the subject. “I’m good at that, too.”

Jongdae scoffs. “We’ll see who’s better then,” he challenges.

Minho raises an eyebrow, smile lurking at his lips. “That’s a deal,” he agrees.

Jongdae smiles because this is good. This is easy and this is freeing. He wishes it could always be like this. He wishes he could always be this honest with himself.

“See you tomorrow?” Minho asks.

Jongdae nods. “Yes,” he says. “See you tomorrow.”

He watches as Minho crosses the street and jogs towards the college gates. He waits until Minho enters the college gates before turning on his heel in the direction of his apartment.










It’s inevitable to think about Baekhyun in times like this. An attractive guy had just asked Jongdae out and Jongdae had turned him down. He knows it’s not Baekhyun’s fault, but Jongdae can’t help but wonder when the time would come that Baekhyun won’t pop into his head every time someone expresses romantic interest in him. Sighing as he reaches the landing of his floor, he thinks maybe he should draw some more to try and get Baekhyun out of his system. Eventually, he’s going to have to accept the fact that Baekhyun doesn’t want him like that (he’s not even talking to him right now) and date other people.

Jongdae halts in his steps, mouth hanging open, when he reaches his apartment. Speaking of.

Baekhyun is sitting on the floor, his back resting on Jongdae’s door, head lolled to one side as he sleeps. Baekhyun is sleeping on his doorstep. Baekhyun is here.

Never could Jongdae have imagined that Baekhyun would come to visit him. Baekhyun never even calls, doesn’t even reply to emails and texts; why would he want to visit Jongdae? But Baekhyun is there, asleep on his doorway.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae softly croons, crouching down in front of him and shaking him gently. “Baekhyun, wake up.” It feels surreal to feel Baekhyun’s skin under his fingertips, to feel him stirring under his ministrations.

Baekhyun blinks away, slowly coming to and realizing where he is. “Jongdae,” he exclaims when he sees him. “You’re here.”

“I am,” Jongdae confirms with a light laugh. “And it seems you’re here, too.”

“Yes,” Baekhyun returns, smiling a little. “I am.” He draws himself up and allows Jongdae to help him stand. “I was waiting for you,” he sheepishly explains his position on the floor.

“Sorry,” Jongdae says as he unlocks his apartment, letting Baekhyun enter first. “I was out with some friends.”

He takes off his jacket and helps Baekhyun with his, which he both hangs on the small coat rack that his brother had bought for him. Jongdae makes a beeline for the kitchen, hoping that he has something to feed Baekhyun with, while Baekhyun looks around. Jongdae’s eyes linger a little too long on Baekhyun, happy to know that he still hasn’t forgotten how Baekhyun looks, how he is when he’s curious, what he’s like when he’s excited, the way he seems to be at the moment. Jongdae hopes it’s because of him. Jongdae wants Baekhyun to be glad to see him, too.

“That’s good,” Baekhyun says, finally turning his attention to Jongdae, who is opening cupboards and taking out a big pack of ramen. “Are you feeding me ramen?” he asks, raising an eyebrow teasingly.

“I don’t really have much,” Jongdae confesses guiltily. “I don’t really eat much except during my shift at the café, which is,” he glances at his wall clock, “in less than two hours.” Baekhyun frowns at this, but doesn’t say anything. “Besides, I just ate and wasn’t expect any guests so you’re going to have to make do with ramen.”

Baekhyun laughs and nods. “I don’t mind,” he tells him. He leans on the kitchen counter and watches as Jongdae rips the ramen pack so violently that the contents almost fall to the floor. Jongdae shoots him an embarrassed look before continuing on to heat water.

While they wait for the ramen to be cooked, Jongdae regales Baekhyun with boring tales of his classes and his newfound friends, while Baekhyun shares with him what’s been happening with his classes, as well as telling him about how the team and their practices are doing.

“Donghae’s really running us to the ground,” Baekhyun says. “Or to the tiles at the bottom of the pool. I think it’s because he lost one valuable swimmer.” He smiles when Jongdae just scoffs. “We have a meet in two weeks so it’s been quite hectic.”

“I’m glad I’m not around for that,” Jongdae says, grinning, to which Baekhyun pokes his tongue out.

“Just you wait when you get back,” Baekhyun retorts. “Donghae keeps talking about how you’re going to lose all that time and that he’ll have to train you extra hard to get you back in shape.”

“I’ve been running every morning,” Jongdae tells him as he turns the stove off and takes the pot off it. He starts stirring the soup, smiling when it smells good. “So hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard.”

“With Donghae?” Baekhyun reminds him, which has Jongdae rethinking his words. “You wish.” He suddenly straightens up when Jongdae places the pot on the counter. “Hey, did you know that Zitao and Yuri are dating?”

Jongdae looks up, shoving a mouthful of noodles in. “Officially?” he asks with his mouthful. Baekhyun absently hands him a tissue, hands flinching a little as he does.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, giggling a little. “Like I knew they were dancing around each other, but I didn’t think that Zitao would actually have the guts to ask Yuri out.” He shrugs. “But I guess I should have seen it coming when we agreed we shouldn’t—“ He laughs when he cuts himself off. “Anyway, yes, they’re dating. Second sappiest couple after Kyungsoo and Soojung.”

“Kyungsoo and Soojung are sappy?” Jongdae says, ignoring the hopeful lurch of his stomach at Baekhyun’s incomplete sentence. He can fill in the blanks. Zitao and Baekhyun have stopped… doing whatever it is that they were doing.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, looking disgusted. “Kyungsoo keeps hinting that he’s going to marry Soojung after they graduate.”

“Just three years to go, then,” Jongdae laughs. Kyungsoo and Soojung, getting married. That’s an amazing thought for someone who is only a freshman. But who is Jongdae to judge? He thinks Kyungsoo is lucky to know what he wants his life to be like.

“Still,” Baekhyun mumbles, face contorted. “Marriage.”

Jongdae laughs to mask the sad downturn to his earlier hopeful feelings. “Well, marriage isn’t for everyone,” he says, consoling him. “It’s a big commitment.”

“Well,” Baekhyun hedges, putting his spoon down and tracing absent shapes on the wooden counter. “Maybe if I found that person, I could do that kind of commitment.”

“Just how would you know if he’s that person,” Jongdae asks, truly curious. “How does anyone know?”

Baekhyun shrugs. “How would I know?” he replies. “I guess you just know?”

“Ah, the cliché,” Jongdae agrees, nodding. “Well, I guess you will just know, then.” He smiles at Baekhyun, who just looks at him. “Maybe you will find that person, Baekhyun. I definitely want to see you fall in love head-over-heels with someone and be sappy like the way you say Kyungsoo and Soojung are.” He chuckles teasingly even as his heart clinches in his chest.

“What about you?” Baekhyun then asks. “What do you think about commitment?”

Jongdae looks up thoughtfully. “I definitely want that kind of relationship,” he admits. “It will all depend on the other person. Of course I don’t know why anyone would agree to having that with me.”

Baekhyun frowns. “You should give yourself more credit, Jongdae,” he mutters. “Anyone would be lucky to be with you.”

Jongdae just laughs. Anyone, but Baekhyun. The irony.

“I saw Myungsoo the other day,” Baekhyun suddenly shares and Jongdae freezes. “He was with Woohyun.”

“Oh?” Jongdae responds, focusing on the noodles in his bowl. He and Myungsoo have barely talked ever since he left, which is completely understandable considering the circumstances.

“Jongdae, they were holding hands,” Baekhyun reveals, staring at him intently but Jongdae continues to avoid his gaze. “I was about to go to him and punch him,” he goes on, making Jongdae look at him with wide eyes, “until Kyungsoo told me that you and Myungsoo have broken up. He told me it was right after we got back from the trip.”

Jongdae is silent, averting his eyes after Baekhyun’s gaze becomes too piercing. Baekhyun doesn’t remember what happened, which is a relief to Jongdae because then the breakup wouldn’t be linked to it. “Yeah,” he confirms, voice quiet and calm. “I—we broke up because it wasn’t working out.”

“How wasn’t it working out?” Baekhyun presses. His brows are furrowed and he looks like he wants to get every answer that he can out of Jongdae.

Because it wasn’t fair to Myungsoo, because I’m clearly in love with you, Jongdae wants to say, but he shrugs instead. “Why don’t things work out?” he answers.

“Still answering questions with a question,” Baekhyun says, smiling a little, although Jongdae thinks Baekhyun’s eyes look sad. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Jongdae says after keeping quiet for a bit. “I mean, you didn’t like him anyway, so…”

“That’s not true,” Baekhyun interjects. “You were happy with him, of course I liked him.”

“Well,” Jongdae sighs, getting up to place the used pot and bowls in the sink, then continues, “that’s just how it happened. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.”

“I just don’t understand,” Baekhyun persists, placing his palms flat on the counter surface. “Why would he let you go? You were good to him and it was obvious that he adored you.” He shakes his head slightly and takes a deep breath when Jongdae turns to face him.

“Because I asked him to,” Jongdae comes clean. He might as well just give it to Baekhyun straight since he’s asking so many questions. “I asked him to let me go. I broke up with him.”

Baekhyun’s eyes are wide with shock. “But… you liked him,” he points out, eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “You guys fit together, you guys—“

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae cuts him off, tiredly pressing his fingers to his temple. “Why did you come here?” Baekhyun presses his lips together. “Did you really come to talk to me about Myungsoo and lecture me about him and what our relationship could have been like?”

Baekhyun doesn’t answer and Jongdae walks to the couch when Baekhyun continues being so. What did Jongdae expect? That Baekhyun came because he wanted to see him? That is the first thought that came to mind because why would anyone visit someone if it weren’t for that reason? Then again, Baekhyun hasn’t spoken to him in over a month. Why would he want to see Jongdae now?

“I came to apologize.” Baekhyun says it so faintly, but Jongdae hears it loud and clear. Jongdae turns to face him, expectant. “I didn’t… I didn’t know what you meant when you said that you were leaving. I misunder—I didn’t know,” he explains. “And then Taeyeon told me what she overheard when Donghae and Joonmyun were talking.” He takes a deep breath and approaches Jongdae until they’re only a couple of inches away from each other. “I’m sorry, Jongdae,” he says, taking Jongdae’s hand in his. “I didn’t even care to ask why and, in turn, didn’t get to help you when you needed a friend. I was selfish. I’m sorry. I’ll leave if you want me to, but that’s really what I came here for, to tell you that I’m sorry.”

Jongdae pulls Baekhyun closer and hugs him as tight as he could. He didn’t think he could ever do this again and he laughs in happiness as he thinks about it. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you,” he murmurs through Baekhyun’s hair. “I missed you.”

Baekhyun whimpers and he clutches on the back of Jongdae’s shirt as he hugs him tighter. “I miss you, too,” he declares. “I felt like such an idiot when Taeyeon told me, especially when I found out that I was the only one who didn’t know. I felt so stupid and so awful and I’m just sorry. I’m really sorry, Jongdae. Please, let’s stop fighting.”

“Stop saying sorry,” Jongdae says, pulling away a little to look at Baekhyun’s face. Baekhyun’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears, something that mirroring Jongdae’s own. “We weren’t fighting, not really. We were just… This is just how we are.”

Baekhyun nods eagerly, a big smile forming on his face. “This is just how we are,” he repeats.

Jongdae wants to kiss him. Jongdae wants to so badly because Baekhyun is there, in his arms, and is looking at him like he wants to be in Jongdae’s arms. But Jongdae doesn’t because he isn’t about to do anything to call a halt to their newly rekindled friendship. So he hugs him again instead. Jongdae’s heart stutters in his chest when Baekhyun hugs him back just as tight.










Time passes quickly when one is having fun. After his somewhat teary reunion with Baekhyun, Baekhyun made sure to come visit him every weekend, sleeping over during Friday and Saturday evenings to keep him company. Every weekend becomes an adventure after that. Even something as simple as going to the grocery becomes fun just because Baekhyun is with him. Baekhyun even helps him with his classes, Baekhyun asking some of his architecture classmates to explain what they’re currently learning through video. Jongdae thinks Baekhyun really is kind of amazing, although he also thinks that this is probably just Baekhyun’s way of still apologizing.

Soon, Jongdae is done with his makeup semester and is packing up his stuff so he can move back into the university dormitory with Kyungsoo. Baekhyun is putting his textbooks in a box, wincing every time he lifts one up, while Minho and Kibum are cleaning the kitchen up, putting everything in a paper bag. Chanyeol was supposed to come and help but he had a sudden commitment that he couldn’t get out of.

“Jongdae, your books are annoyingly heavy,” Baekhyun yells from where he’s sitting on the couch.

“That just means you’re a lightweight,” Jongdae yells back, laughing, although he knows that his textbooks could probably kill someone. He turns his attention back to Kibum and Minho, who are both raiding the fridge. Baekhyun had been stocking it heavily when he started sleeping over and now all that food is probably going to go to waste.

“You sure you’re giving these to us?” Kibum asks.

“Yeah,” Jongdae says with a nod. “I don’t have a fridge in my dorm and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Kibum hums happily as he takes the contents of the fridge out. Minho taps Jongdae’s shoulder and discreetly pulls him aside. Jongdae gives him a curious look as Minho stays quiet for a bit before speaking up.

“So is that him?” Minho asks, nodding his head in Baekhyun’s direction.

“Oh,” Jongdae says, swallowing nervously. “He’s… Baekhyun.”

“He doesn’t know, doesn’t he?” Minho asks, although it’s not really a question. Jongdae can only nod in response. “It’s really none of my business and I’m not asking because I’m jealous but… why not?”

Jongdae looks at Baekhyun, who, surprisingly, has one of Jongdae’ books open, seemingly reading. “He’s Baekhyun,” he says as an answer. “He doesn’t want to have a boyfriend like me.”

“What do you mean?” Minho presses inquiringly.

“I don’t want to play around,” Jongdae clarifies with a sad sigh. Baekhyun flips through a page of his book, biting on the nail of his thumb, which should be gross but is endearingly cute to Jongdae. “And he’s the type who does.”

“Did he say that?” Minho continues.

“I can see it,” Jongdae defends his statement, looking away from Baekhyun.

“But did he actually tell you that he doesn’t want a boyfriend like you?” Minho persists.

“Why are you questioning me like this?” Jongdae is pouting. “This is almost like torture.”

“Jongdae,” Minho says, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“No,” Jongdae huffs. “No, he didn’t.” Because Jongdae didn’t ask. And Jongdae isn’t going to ask, because he doesn’t really want to hear rejection from Baekhyun. Because he thinks he can live like this, being close to Baekhyun even if it’s not close enough.

Minho smiles. “Ask and you shall receive,” is all he says and Jongdae blinks up at him because is he serious?

Jongdae tries not to rolls his eyes when he looks back at Baekhyun. Baekhyun is now leaning back on the sofa, shoes off, legs underneath him, looking comfortable as he still reads Jongdae’s book. He thinks about what Chanyeol, his brother, and his mother had told him about going for what he wants and about being happy and he wonders.

“Are you done exchanging bible verses or can we go?” Kibum makes Jongdae jump. Kibum looks apologetic. “I have to go,” he says. “I have a an appointment with a professor.”

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Jongdae says. “You’ve helped so much. Thank you.”

Kibum hugs him. “See you around, Kim Jongdae. Don’t be a stranger now.”

“I won’t,” Jongdae says, grinning at him.

“Ask,” Minho starts.

“And you shall receive,” Jongdae finishes, rolling his eyes this time.

“It may not be the answer that you want,” Minho goes on. “But nevertheless, you get an answer and none of this assuming and wondering. Take the opportunity.”

Jongdae lets out a breath as he says his final goodbyes to them and closes the door.

“You okay?” Baekhyun asks, looking up from his reading.

“Yeah,” Jongdae assures him. He sits down beside him and leans his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “What are you doing reading my textbook?”

“This is actually really interesting stuff,” Baekhyun gushes excitedly. “I mean, sure, it’s complicated, but it’s also so fun and exciting, I never realized.”

Jongdae chuckles. “You’re so cute,” he says as he nuzzles Baekhyun’s shoulder.

Baekhyun is quiet and Jongdae thinks he might have crossed a line until Baekhyun shifts to wrap an arm around him, pulling him closer. “I’m glad you’re coming home, Jongdae,” he whispers.

I am home, Jongdae thinks. Baekhyun is home to him. “Me too,” Jongdae returns, unable to keep the smile off his face.










“41.45.”

Donghae is staring at the stopwatch in his hand when Jongdae manages to get out of the pool. Jongdae puts an arm around his coach and grins when Donghae is too dumbfounded to realize that Jongdae is getting his clothes wet.

“Baekhyun only mentioned you going running when you were away,” Donghae says accusingly.

Jongdae grins. After two weeks of settling in into the college and not swimming, Jongdae looked for a swimming pool. There’s a small club nearby, and he was allowed to use the pool for free as long as he assisted with teaching some toddlers how to float two times a week. Jongdae found that even when he kept thinking that swimming was maybe forced into him, it is already in him, in his system, that he ended up missing it.

“Surprise!” Jongdae announces, grin widening.

Donghae snorts and pushes Jongdae off of him, making a face when he realizes that his shirt is soaked. “Good job, Kim,” he says, patting him on the back. “Now, swim butterfly for 1500 meters.”

Jongdae’s mouth hangs open. “Coach, that’s 30 laps!”

“Good thing you’re not out of practice then,” Donghae replies with a smirk. “Now go.”

Jongdae grumbles as he gets on the diving block and puts his goggles over his eyes. He hears a snicker beside him. He glares at Kyungsoo.

“Welcome back, champ,” Kyungsoo teases. He gets up on the same diving block as Jongdae’s and pats his back. “The rest of the team is glad that you’re back to take away the heat from us.” From what Jongdae has heard, Donghae has really been training them hard.

“You’re welcome,” Jongdae mumbles as he tries to push Kyungsoo off the block. “Now go away. I have 30 laps of butterfly to swim.”

“In intervals of 10 seconds,” Donghae calls out to him from the shade. Jongdae turns around and glares at his coach then at Kyungsoo, who laughs louder this time.

“Really, really glad you’re back,” Kyungsoo repeats, nodding more happily this time.

“Glad to be at your service,” Jongdae snaps. “Now, please leave me alone.” He pushes Kyungsoo off the block and into the pool. Kyungsoo yelps and manages to get into diving position at the last minute.

Later on, with every bit of Jongdae’s muscles aching, Kyungsoo comes into step beside him. Baekhyun is walking ahead, listening to Soojung as she talks about something that Jongdae can’t hear.

“What now?” Jongdae tiredly demands.

“I really am glad that you’re back, you know,” Kyungsoo says, putting an arm around his shoulders in a way that speaks of friendship. “It’s been weird without you around.”

“How has it been weird?” Jongdae laughs. “I’m just one member and I’ve only been away for three months.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, snickering. “It continues to amaze me how you never know the effect you have on people,” he states. “Zitao and Sehun whined constantly because they didn’t have anyone doting on them, although Joonmyun tried his best to compensate.”

Jongdae blinks. “When did I ever dote on Zitao and Sehun?”

“All the time,” Kyungsoo says, smiling a little. “You are always handing them their towels, letting them shower first, buying them food when they ask,” he reminds him, shaking his head again when Jongdae just frowns in confusion. “It’s not just them, though. It’s also Soojung’s and Jinri, who had lost a person to tease, and Joonmyun, who missed your loud laughter. There’s Myungsoo, too.”

“How is he?” Jongdae asks.

“I’m sure you’ve heard about him and Woohyun,” Kyungsoo says. “What do you think?”

“I just want him to be happy,” Jongdae tells him. “So I really hope he is.”

“He is,” Kyungsoo assures him. “It wasn’t just them who missed you.”

“Are you going to tell me you missed me, too, Kyungsoo?” Jongdae chuckles as he wraps his own arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders and cuddling to him. “Because you can just tell me and not go about it in a roundabout way—“

“Baekhyun missed you, too.” Kyungsoo’s voice is softer and Jongdae glances up at Baekhyun, who’s a bit farther away. “Everyone missed you, I think even the pool did.”

“I missed everyone, too,” Jongdae responds easily, grinning. “I really like it here, you know. I really like you guys. I like the pool a lot, too.”

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo prompts him.

“I know,” Jongdae sighs, pulling his arm away. “I know that he missed me. He told me.”

“Did he,” Kyungsoo says, a small smile on his face. “And what did you say?”

“What was I supposed to say?” Jongdae says. “Of course I said that I missed him, too. Because I did. You know I did.”

“And…?” Kyungsoo presses further, an eyebrow raised.

“And nothing,” Jongdae answers in what he hopes is in a tone of finality.

“Jongdae, look at me.” Kyungsoo stops walking and Jongdae stops, too, and gives Kyungsoo what he asked for. “Is that all that happened?”

“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae says, “you know who I’m dealing with, right? Are we talking about the same Baekhyun here?”

Kyungsoo sighs and shakes his head. “Oh Jongdae, I thought you went away to learn your lesson,” is all he says before he’s walking again, catching up to Soojung and Baekhyun.

Jongdae just stands there and stares after Kyungsoo. Meanwhile, Baekhyun stops walking and waits for him.

“Everything okay?” Baekhyun asks when Jongdae’s finally started walking again.

“Yeah,” Jongdae tells him when he’s gathered his thoughts. “Everything’s fine.”

Baekhyun looks like he doesn’t believe him, but he lets it go to Jongdae’s relief. Jongdae doesn’t think he’s ready to explain what Kyungsoo meant anyway. Not when Jongdae can’t understand it himself.










Jongdae and Baekhyun fall into a familiar pattern. When they seek each other out, the other is there, ready to receive each other with open arms, with some slight changes. Where Baekhyun would normally be the one asking for a cuddle, now Jongdae finds that it’s the other way around. Jongdae is now the one initiating the touchiness, while Baekhyun just responds, whereas before, Baekhyun would be the one initiating everything. It confuses Jongdae, but he doesn’t let it get to him. At least he still has Baekhyun even if it’s just like this. At least Baekhyun never pulls away, although sometimes Jongdae can hear Baekhyun’s hesitation before holding Jongdae’s hand back, before cuddling with him, before leaning against him. Jongdae can take it because he still has Baekhyun.

Right now, though, Jongdae can’t find him. He’d let Sehun talk him into one of his brilliant ideas and went to a club with him, Kris, Zitao, Yuri and Baekhyun. Jongdae had practically vowed never to go into one again because the last time he went to a club, things almost happened afterwards, things that Jongdae still can’t forget.

He squeezes his way through a throng of people and makes his way to the bar. It’s the safest place he could stay at. If Baekhyun gets thirsty, and he probably will, because Baekhyun can drink endlessly, he will go to the bar and Jongdae will see him then. Who he sees at the bar however are Kris and Sehun, sitting together rather cozily.

“Where the hell have you been?” Sehun demands as soon as he spots Jongdae.

“Around,” Jongdae answers, gesturing to the bartender and ordering a rum and coke. “What?” he asks when Sehun continues glaring at him.

“Do you even know where Baekhyun is?” Sehun asks snappishly. Kris puts a large hand on Sehun’s forearm, which, to Jongdae’s amazement, calms him down. “Why aren’t you with Baekhyun?”

“I lost him in the crowd,” Jongdae explains with a shrug. It’s not really a big deal to him that Baekhyun went off to dance with Zitao and Yuri. Jongdae isn’t much of a dancer so it’s good that they have friends who like it. “He’s probably dancing with Zitao and Yuri.”

“Zitao and Yuri left an hour ago,” Sehun tells him, sounding annoyed again.

Jongdae straightens up at this. “So where’s Baekhyun?” He takes his phone out to check if Baekhyun left him a message, but there are none so he dials Baekhyun’s number, which is pointless because it’s too loud that Baekhyun won’t even hear his phone. “I’m going to look for him,” he announces, pocketing his phone and finishing his drink in one gulp.

Before he can walk away, Kris is stopping him and pointing in the general direction of the dance floor. Jongdae turns and he can’t see it at first. There are too many people dancing, too many gyrating bodies, that Jongdae feels slightly dizzy just watching them. But then the crowd parts a bit and he sees what Kris wants him to see.

Baekhyun, with his sinfully tight leather pants, thin gray t-shirt that leaves little to imagination with a collar so low that Jongdae really thinks Baekhyun might as well have gone topless, is dancing with some random guy. Baekhyun has his back towards the guy, pushing his ass to his crotch, while the guy, clearly enjoying this, has his arms around Baekhyun’s waist, mouth pressed against Baekhyun’s neck.

Jongdae can’t stand it. He has to put a stop to it and makes his way towards them, barely hearing Sehun calling out to him.

It’s even worse up close. Because right at the moment Jongdae arrives, Baekhyun turns around in the guy’s arm, encircling his arms around his neck, and starts making out with him. Jongdae is stunned as Baekhyun molds his frame into the guys, every inch of the front of their bodies touching, the guy grinding into him. He flinches back because his heart hurts like it’s been crushed under a hammer, the sounds of their kissing echoing loudly in his head, louder than the music the club is playing.

But Jongdae has to stop this. He has to stop Baekhyun, because even if Baekhyun isn’t his, he doesn’t belong to this guy either. Baekhyun can’t belong to this guy.

“Excuse me,” Jongdae interrupts, shouting in their ears. He has a hand on Baekhyun’s arm, pulling him away from the guy.

“Get lost,” the random guy says, pushing him away. Jongdae stumbles back. “We’re busy.”

Jongdae braces himself and interrupts them again. “I don’t think you understand,” he says, turning to Baekhyun. “Baekhyun.” He grabs at his arm to make Baekhyun look at him.

“What?” Baekhyun’s eyes focus on him. He frowns when he recognizes Jongdae. “What do you want?”

“You’re drunk,” Jongdae says, wrapping an arm around his waist, much to the other guy’s annoyance. “Let’s get you home.”

Baekhyun pulls himself away from Jongdae, which is a surprise. “I’m not drunk,” he corrects him irately, even though he clearly is. Jongdae has to steady him to keep himself from falling. “I’m busy.” He places his arms back around the guy’s neck.

“We’re busy,” the guy confirms with a manic grin.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, focusing on him. “You are drunk. Kris and Sehun are ready to go, too, so let’s go.”

“Then go,” Baekhyun snaps, waving him off. “I can get home by myself.” He turns to the guy he’s dancing we and smiles flirtatiously. “We can get home by ourselves,” he adds before getting into another heated make-out session with him.

Something snaps inside Jongdae. “Alright, that’s it!” he yells, losing his patience. He grabs Baekhyun forcefully away from the guy, which was Baekhyun stumbling back, barely finding his balance, and pushes the guy away from Baekhyun, away from them. “Go home by yourself,” he angrily tells him. “Because he,” he points at Baekhyun, “isn’t going with you.”

The guy glares at him, clenching his fists, and Jongdae clenches his own because he’s ready to fight him if it comes to that. No one is touching Baekhyun. Luckily, the guy seems to think it’s not worth it so he just points at Jongdae menacingly before turning around and walking away. Sighing with relief, Jongdae turns to take Baekhyun in his arms and bring him home when he finds that Baekhyun isn’t there. He looks around and spots Baekhyun, luckily, making his way to the exit.

Jongdae only manages to catch up with him outside of the club. He jogs up to Baekhyun and gently grabs his wrist. “Hey,” he starts. “Let me—“

“Go away, Jongdae,” Baekhyun snaps and it’s with so much resentment that Jongdae immediately lets go of Baekhyun’s wrist and stops walking.

“I was just trying to—“ Jongdae starts, swallowing the shock back down.

“Stop it,” Baekhyun says heatedly, whipping around to face him. His cheeks a flushed and he’s shaking, but probably not from the cold. “You didn’t have to do that,” he continues, gesturing to the club. “You didn’t—you don’t have to do that.”

“The guy was all over you and you were drunk,” Jongdae retorts defensively. “Was I just supposed to stand there and watch?”

“Yes,” Baekhyun barks. “Yes! Because I’m adult and I can make my own decisions. So if I wanted to go home and be fucked by a stranger under the influence of alcohol that’s my choice.”

Jongdae stands there, stunned. Of course Baekhyun is right. It’s what he’s been doing way before Jongdae has even met him. But Baekhyun has never raised his voice like this, except for when Jongdae told Baekhyun he was leaving. Even then, it wasn’t like this. Baekhyun’s eyes weren’t blazing with something like bitterness and his fists weren’t clenched and he wasn’t talking to Jongdae like he truly hated him. Like what he’s doing now. They have never fought like this, never been in a situation where they needed to fight this way. And, while Jongdae thought he could never really get mad at Baekhyun, he won’t stand being spoken to like this when all he’s wanted was to take care of Baekhyun.

“An adult, huh?” Jongdae laughs scornfully and, even to his ears, it sounds awful. “You don’t even remember what happens when you get drunk. What if that guy does fuck you and leaves you in a ditch somewhere? Am I supposed to allow that to happen?”

“You are not my boyfriend!” Baekhyun shouts. Jongdae freezes, clenching his fists so tight that he knows the skin on his palms is going to break. “I am not your boyfriend,” he goes on, even more spitefully. “You don’t have to take care of me. I don’t need you to—I don’t want you to, so stop doing it. Because I can’t keep on doing this, you can’t keep on doing this. So just stop! Stop it!” Baekhyun is breathing heavily by the end of his tirade and Jongdae is looking at him like he’s seeing him for the first time.

So this is what Baekhyun really thinks. When Jongdae had thought that Baekhyun would be awkward at the knowledge of Jongdae’s affection for him, it is actually much worse. Baekhyun is appalled by the mere want of Jongdae to take care of him, repulsed by the mere thought of Jongdae being in a relationship with him. So that’s how it is.

Jongdae doesn’t stop Baekhyun when he walks away from him. Jongdae stands there and watches the person who’s made him realize so many things about himself, made him fall in love in so many different ways and at so many different things.

Jongdae watches him and, when Baekhyun is but a speck in the distance, he turns around and walks away.










The wind is biting as it whips through his skin, stinging, stabbing, almost as if it wants to cut through him. Jongdae almost wishes it would. It would probably hurt less than the way he’s feeling right now. He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets, glad that he had the presence of mind to bring one. Baekhyun doesn’t have a jacket, though, and he’s wearing such a thin shirt and—No. Jongdae isn’t going to think about Baekhyun. Jongdae isn’t going to care about Baekhyun. Because Baekhyun doesn’t want Jongdae to care about him. Because Baekhyun wants Jongdae to stop.

Baekhyun talks about Jongdae’s concern and affection for him like it’s something that can be switched off, like it’s something that Jongdae can choose to have or not have at any given day, like it’s something that’s Jongdae’s fault for having. Maybe it is his fault. It is his feelings, after all. But the look on Baekhyun’s face, the way his body shook with anger, the way his eyes flashed… Jongdae can’t forget it. It could probably be the alcohol talking. But, alcohol or no alcohol, that was still Baekhyun. Those words still came out of Baekhyun’s mouth and he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Jongdae.

Breakups are hard. He’s experienced them before. But none of them felt like this, like a fist had been shoved through his chest to grab his heart, take it out and squeeze it until it’s nothing more but a shadow of what it once was. It hurts so much that Jongdae stops walking, sitting on the sidewalk and burying his face in his hands to just breathe in and out and try to alleviate the pain somehow. He’s never felt for anyone the way he’s felt for Baekhyun. Baekhyun is the kind of person Jongdae wishes he was, but, at the same time, is the person he wants to be better for.

It seems that was a mistake.

He stays there for a long time. Jongdae stays still and stares at the pavement, stares at the hard, gray road with some ants somewhere near his shoes. He doesn’t care that he looks dumb and weird sitting on the sidewalk in the wee hours of the morning; he doesn’t even really know where he is, having walked for a long time.

When he lifts his head and straightens up, his back and shoulders hurt from him being curled up into himself for an extended period. Jongdae looks up at the sky, already lightening as the sun starts to rise. He gets up, not bother to dust his pants off, and walks back to the dorms.

“Where the fuck have you been?” is what greets Jongdae when he gets back. Kyungsoo stands up from his bed, hair in disarray, cell phone on hand. He lets out a breath as Jongdae closes the door behind him.

“I was out,” Jongdae answers simply. He makes his way to his bed and flops face down on it, hiding his face from the rays of the sun that’s starting to filter through the curtains. He doesn’t care about showering or changing. Caring is overrated.

“Yeah, he’s here,” Kyungsoo is suddenly saying, talking to someone on the phone. “He just got back… okay… thank you so much! I’ll talk to you tomorrow—er, later. Bye.” He sits back on his bed and watches Jongdae. “Jongdae, what happened?” he asks, actually sounding concerned.

“Nothing. I just lost track of time,” Jongdae mutters, shifting on the bed so that his back is facing Kyungsoo. “Now please leave me alone.”

Jongdae is going to stay in bed and be one with it forever. Or for as long as it takes for his heart to stop hurting.










“Jongdae!” Jinri’s voice echoes in the food court, making Jongdae wince as he makes his way towards them.

He doesn’t really know what he’s doing there, but after two weeks of staying in bed (which is very lucky for him that it’s already their summer break), Kyungsoo, seeking Chanyeol’s help, had staged an intervention. They forced Jongdae off the bed—Chanyeol, being the biggest and tallest one, manhandled Jongdae towards the bathroom and shoved him under a cold shower. Jongdae had flinched and yelled angrily but Chanyeol kept him under the water, not caring that he was getting soaked, too.

“You are not burying yourself in bed for another minute,” Chanyeol had said in an uncompromising tone that he’s never really used on Jongdae. “You are going to get dressed and go on a walk with me.” He pulls Jongdae out of the shower, despite Jongdae’s protests and pushes him to get clothes. “I will dress you myself if I have to, Jongdae,” Chanyeol had warned him and it was enough for Jongdae to change his clothes.

Chanyeol had asked about what was wrong, asked about what had happened. Kyungsoo did the same. But Jongdae never said anything and he wasn’t going to.

“Hey,” Jongdae greets them, trying to be as outgoing as he can. Chanyeol had made him promise that he wasn’t going to bury himself in his bed sheets once he leaves. Kyungsoo had promised, too, that he would call Chanyeol is Baekhyun regressed. It annoyed Jongdae, but it was really all they could do, seeing as he wouldn’t tell them what was wrong. “What are we doing here?” he asks, sitting beside Jinri.

“Just hanging out,” Soojung says. “I want to watch a movie.”

“And we will,” Kyungsoo tells her with a contented smile on his face, his fingers playing with the tips of her hair.

Jongdae blinks and looks away, trying to fight back his urge to throw up. Kyungsoo notices and glares at him. Jongdae manages to smile.

“Sounds good,” Jongdae says, much to Kyungsoo’s surprise. A movie means he can doze off. It’s almost like being in bed, except there’s a movie playing in a big TV.

“What do you want to watch?” Jinri asks.

Jongdae shrugs. “Whatever you guys want,” he answers and Kyungsoo sighs, leaning back on his seat. “Whom else are we waiting for?”

His question is answered when Kris arrives with Sehun, Zitao… and Baekhyun. Jongdae grips his knees and winces because his palms still hurt when he applies pressure on them. It really isn’t healthy to clench one’s fists so tightly, especially when one’s nails aren’t cut short. He sees Baekhyun at the corner of his eyes and he smiles a little but doesn’t really acknowledge him. Of course Baekhyun looks okay. His hair is perfectly styled, eyes lined with dark eyeliner the way it was when they went to the club and is wearing simple but fit jeans and a hoodie. Jongdae stares at the tabletop and stops himself. Baekhyun doesn’t want Jongdae to care.

On their way to the cinema, Kyungsoo pulls Jongdae aside.

“What?” Jongdae asks, forcing a smile out.

“Are you going to tell me why you look like you’re going to pass out?” Kyungsoo hisses, smiling serenely when Soojung looks behind her to look for her boyfriend. Soojung grins back and waves before looking away.

“You’re a monster,” Jongdae mutters. “What does she see in you? Doesn’t she know you’re evil?”

Kyungsoo scoffs. “Don’t change the subject,” he says, gripping Jongdae’s arm. “Look,” he presses, voice softening with worry. “Jongdae, I’m really worried.”

“I’m fine,” Jongdae insists, untangling himself from Kyungsoo. “Everything’s fine. You don’t have to be worried about anything.”

“Jongdae, you came home at 6 o’clock in the morning, looking like a truck ran over you,” Kyungsoo recounts. “You didn’t text, you didn’t call. No one knew where you were and even Baekhyun, who was the last person to have seen you, wasn’t sure where you were. We were all friggin’ worried, okay?”

“Sorry,” Jongdae mumbles, not really knowing what else to say. He figured he should have texted at least. But he really wasn’t up for doing anything at the time.

“And now you look like you’ve seen a ghost and that you’re going to cry because you’re so scared,” Kyungsoo goes on, sighing. “What’s going on?”

Jongdae looks everywhere else but at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is a good friend. He may sound mean and seem uncaring but he shows his concern at the best of times and Jongdae doesn’t want to disappoint him because he can’t tell Kyungsoo what’s wrong. Jongdae can’t tell Kyungsoo how his chest feels like it’s going to implode at the mere mention of Baekhyun’s name and how he just wants to jump into the pool and swim laps forever, if only his heart would have something else to do aside from aching for Baekhyun.

“If I promise to tell you eventually, will you let me leave and skip the movie?” Jongdae bargains. Baekhyun is here and he can’t… He can’t. “I know I promised you and Chanyeol but I really can’t be here right now. I really can’t—“

“Jongdae, calm down,” Kyungsoo starts, placing his hands on Jongdae’s shoulders. His eyes are worried, as he looks his friend over. There are tears in Jongdae’s eyes. “Okay,” he agrees with a sigh. “Okay, you can skip the movie.”

“Okay,” Jongdae says, very much relieved. “Thank you.”

Jongdae rushes out of there before Kyungsoo can say another word. He’s not ready to see Baekhyun. He’s not even ready to hear his name without wanting to curl into himself. It was just too much too soon.

Baekhyun looked okay. He didn’t look like he was going through anything like what Jongdae’s going through. There didn’t even seem to be any remorse for the loss of their friendship. There was just nothing and Jongdae wonders what the past year was for. What was the use of them building their friendship up like that if feelings can bring it down so easily?

Three weeks is not enough to heal a broken heart. Jongdae thinks it would take even far longer than three months, which they say is normally when a person starts being healed and when it’s okay to start seeing other people. How can it take three months to heal a heart that’s been crushed? How can you fix something when not all the pieces are there?










“What are you doing here?” Jongdae is frozen in his step as he exits his dorm room, classmates bumping into his back because he’s blocking the doorway. He steps aside and stares as Chanyeol pushes himself off the opposite wall.

“There was a time where you complained about me not visiting you enough,” Chanyeol says casually. “You have to make up your mind.”

“I do want you visiting,” Jongdae tells him. Chanyeol looks surprised for a second before he grins. “But what are you doing here? It’s the middle of the week.” And then Jongdae remembers that Chanyeol didn’t take any summer classes, unlike Jongdae who just wanted to take two classes in advance so he could have a freer schedule next semester.

“You don’t have a class after this, right?” Chanyeol asks.

“Yeah,” Jongdae confirms, shifting the bag strap on his shoulder. He squints his eyes as the sunlight hits his eyes when they exit the building. “But I have swimming practice in the afternoon.”

“How is that going?” Chanyeol inquires, running a hand through his hair.

Jongdae shrugs. “As good as it can be,” he tells him. Swimming has been going really well, far better than Jongdae could have expected for his return. His times have improved over the past month because he’s been swimming every morning and every afternoon on a daily basis. Jongdae knows why he’s swimming so much, but he decides to ignore that reason and just enjoys the benefits, if he can call it that.

They walk with no definite destination in mind. Jongdae senses that Chanyeol just wants to walk around and talk with how relaxed he is so they just roam the campus buildings that are emptier than usual, pass by the parking lots with little to no cars, and the gymnasiums and fields that are silent.

Even up to now, Jongdae is still amazed and grateful that he got a chance to study in a prestigious university under a scholarship. It had been more difficult to grasp in the beginning, especially with him being unsure of his about taking up architecture and being on the swimming team. But he understands it better.

After that talk with his mother telling him that she wants him to pursue his happiness, he realized that he is happy. Granted, he struggled with swimming and is still having some difficulties with his academics, but he has recognized that those things are part of what makes him who he is. He may not be that good at math, which makes everything he learns in his classes just that much more difficult, but architecture is art. It may not be what he’s used to drawing, but at the end of the day, it still is a part of what he’s acknowledged now as something that he loves, too.

Swimming is something that Jongdae thought was a dream he’d pursued to fulfill his mother’s happiness, to follow his brother’s footsteps, but it’s actually part of what makes him Jongdae. Swimming completes Jongdae’s day. When he was forced to withdraw from the team, Jongdae had felt restless and even confused at not having swimming practice in the afternoons, so much so that he went out to look for a pool and trained by himself.

Jongdae’s been told by so many different people that he should do what makes him happy. It confused him because wasn’t he doing that already? He didn’t feel the same passion as Chanyeol did with his art or how Zitao was with his swimming or the way Baekhyun talked about film. Then with the way drawing seemed to calmed him down, he’d wondered if maybe he should have gone into art instead, that, maybe, it was what he’s supposed to be doing because he seemed unhappy. The truth was Jongdae was—is—happy. Drawing just made him happier. It was all just the confusion and the settling down and maybe the thing with Baekhyun that made him lose sight of that.

“I asked her to be my girlfriend,” Chanyeol suddenly speaks up.

“Who?” Jongdae asks, a bit puzzled.

“Suji,” Chanyeol says with a smile, which is so bright that Jongdae has to avert his eyes. Suji, the girl who told Chanyeol that he was bad at mixing colors. “I asked her to be my girlfriend. I went through the whole nine yards; I bought her flowers, composed as song, took her to dinner…” He smiles even wider as he looks at Jongdae, who’s grinning back at him. “She said yes.”

“Congratulations,” Jongdae says, patting Chanyeol on the back. Chanyeol talked about nothing else. It was always Suji this, Suji that. In the beginning, it was just the small things. Suji smiled at me today or Suji waved at me. And then slowly, it progressed to we’re having a study session after classes. Then to we’re watching a movie together!!! It was amusing, but it made Jongdae happy because Chanyeol really seemed so happy.

“The look on her face when I asked…” Chanyeol shakes his head, smile wistful. “God, her smile was so beautiful and she even got teary eyed and just… it was worth it.”

“Well she does seem like a special girl so I’m sure it was,” Jongdae says.

“She is,” Chanyeol agrees eagerly. He then takes a deep breath, stuffing his hands in his pockets before turning to Jongdae. “So when are you going to do it?”

“When am I going to do what?” Jongdae absently asks. They’d just reached the Arts building, which has Jongdae’s thoughts immediately going to Baekhyun. He flinches and he takes a very deep breath to shoo it away.

“Ask Baekhyun to be your boyfriend,” Chanyeol answers.

Jongdae refused to go to anything that Baekhyun attended. Kyungsoo thought he was immature at first, but Jongdae tried to make Kyungsoo understand, without telling him what happened, that it was a very bad idea to have them in the same room together. Kyungsoo couldn’t really get it because Baekhyun and Jongdae have been practically joined to the hip ever since they first met, and, even when they fought, they patched things up and acted like nothing had happened. Jongdae wishes it were that easy, that this situation they’re in is that easy to fix. But it isn’t because Jongdae’s heart is crushed and that’s something that would be very hard to fix. Kyungsoo had relented after a while, the concern in his eyes never leaving him, and Jongdae had promised that he would tell him what happened soon.

“What?” Jongdae coughs, blinking at Chanyeol.

“When are you going to ask Baekhyun to be your boyfriend?” Chanyeol repeats the question patiently. He’s looking very intently at Jongdae and Jongdae knows that Chanyeol is pushing him to talk about whatever it is that had happened.

Jongdae chuckles. It’s rough sounding and makes Chanyeol frown. “I think you can forget about that,” he says. Maybe once he had thought about it; he was about to do it, too. But now he can’t, and won’t.

“Why?” Chanyeol questions.

“Because that’s just how it is,” Jongdae vaguely answers. “It’s just not in the stars for us.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Chanyeol swears, making Jongdae stare at him in surprise. “You make it sound like the stars are the ones that decide the way your relationship is going to go.”

“Well, if it were up to me,” Jongdae chuckles cynically, “I would rather they took care of it.”

Chanyeol sighs and pulls Jongdae to the nearest bench that he sees. They sit down side-by-side, elbows touching slightly. The trees sway with the wind and Jongdae is reminded of that one day where Chanyeol had taken his hand and comforted him under the trees.

“What happened, Jongdae?” Chanyeol softly asks.

Jongdae takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. Baekhyun’s furious face flashes before his eyes, his words echo in his ears, him walking away fresh in his mind. It hurts, but he opens his mouth and tells Chanyeol everything, from the moment he met Baekhyun, to the moment he realized he had feelings for him, to the incident in Chanyeol’s dorm (much to Chanyeol’s horror), and to the incident outside of the club. Each memory stabs Jongdae in the heart and he wonders why it still hurts so much when his heart is already in pieces.

Jongdae opens his eyes when he feels Chanyeol’s arm sliding around him and pulling him close. He leans his head on his best friend’s shoulders, letting out a sob. His face is surprisingly wet but Jongdae doesn’t do anything to wipe the tears away. He hasn’t cried like this since the fight and, somehow, with the tears flowing out, Jongdae finds that it eases the pain, even if only in a very small way.

“Have you…” Jongdae can feel Chanyeol’s hesitation. “Have you ever tried talking to him since then?”

“What is there to talk about?” Jongdae scoffs. “He has nothing else to say that I would want to hear. I am not putting myself through that again.”

“But Jongdae,” Chanyeol starts, sighing a little. “You and Baekhyun… I’ve seen you two together and it’s not… I can’t imagine why he would say those things because there’s obviously something between the two of you.”

“Baekhyun doesn’t do relationships,” Jongdae states in a steely tone. “Why would he change for me?”

“People do strange and life changing decisions for love,” Chanyeol tells him, squeezing Jongdae comfortingly.

“Not Baekhyun,” Jongdae responds. “Not for me.”

“Jongdae…” Chanyeol starts again.

“I just want to stop feeling like this,” Jongdae says, his voice cracking. He pulls away from Chanyeol and finally wipes his face with his hands. “I want this to be over, I want to get over him and move on—“

“Is that really what you want?” Chanyeol asks him straightforwardly. “Do you really want to go through life pretending that your friendship with Baekhyun never happened, to go through all the remaining three years of university dodging him?”

“We’ll be friends eventually,” Jongdae gives in. No matter what happened, he knows that he’ll forgive Baekhyun because he’s Baekhyun, and Jongdae is Jongdae.

“I can hear you thinking so loudly,” Chanyeol cuts through his thoughts. He grabs Jongdae’s shoulder and makes him face him. “It will never be okay because you will always be in love with him. You may end up being friends eventually, but there will always be this ache in your heart that will never go away even when you finally piece your heart back together.”

“Why are you doing this?” Jongdae snaps, pushing Chanyeol’s hand off his shoulder. “You’re supposed to be comforting me. You’re my best friend; you’re supposed to be on my side. Why do you keep insisting that I will never fall out of love with him? Why do you keep forcing me to do something about what happened?”

“Because I want you to go for what you want, Jongdae,” Chanyeol tells him without hesitation. “I want you to say what you want, to say that you want Baekhyun and that you’re going to do whatever you can to get him back and be with him. You’re my best friend, and I love you, but you’ve never asserted yourself. You always just go with the flow. You always just do what’s given to you and assume that everything’s okay. You settle, Jongdae. And that’s not okay. You should fight for your dreams, your ambitions, for all of them and not just the ones that you think other people will accept. You should never settle for anything less than you think you deserve.”

“I’m not—it isn’t—“ Jongdae blinks, forcing the tears back, trying to keep them from falling down his cheeks. “It’s not that easy,” he whispers.

“Who cares?” Chanyeol quips. “Why would you let that stop you? If you want something so badly, why would you let challenges get in your way?” He places a hand on Jongdae’s cheek and makes Jongdae look at him again. “Jongdae, I feel like all this time you’ve been let to believe that you can only reach up to a certain height, and while that may be true because you are short—“

“Shut up,” Jongdae growls, hitting his arm and making Chanyeol laugh. Jongdae takes a deep breath.

“You can do whatever you want,” Chanyeol finishes. “You can be an architect, do swimming and anything else that you’re interested in.”

“Like drawing?” Jongdae asks and Chanyeol’s eyes light up at the hope in his voice.

“Like drawing,” Chanyeol agrees, smiling. “There are no limits.” He pauses. “That’s why… I think you should go and talk to Baekhyun. You love him, Jongdae,” he hurries when Jongdae opens his mouth to protest. “You love him. Are you really going to let that go just like that? At the very least, get closure.”

Closure. Jongdae doesn’t really like the sound of that, because that just sounds like it would be a confirmation of what Baekhyun’s already told him, of what Jongdae already knows. But he nods, breathing deeply. He is probably going to regret this, but he thinks he needs it, too. They never really talked during their fight.

This is their chance.










Jongdae uses not knowing Baekhyun’s schedule as an excuse to put off talking to him. It’s pathetic, really, since they see each other everyday for swimming practice. But Chanyeol threatens so severely Jongdae that he’s going to come there and tell Baekhyun himself that Jongdae decides that he’s just going to do it. He’s going to do it now, with practice over and with most of the team gone.

Baekhyun is sitting down on one of the diving blocks, bag over his shoulder, and attention on his phone. He’s probably waiting for Kris so that they could leave together. They’re probably going to go have dinner together and probably hang out at Kris’ dorm—and Jongdae really shouldn’t be thinking about this at a time when he’s psyching himself up to finally talk to Baekhyun after a month and a half of silence.

When he blinks and looks at him, Baekhyun’s already on his feet, arm linked with Kris’s, while Kris’s other arm is around Sehun’s shoulders. They’re leaving. Before he realizes what he’s doing, Jongdae is jogging up to them and grabbing Baekhyun’s arm.

“Uh,” Jongdae stammers. Baekhyun’s eyes are wide with shock with Kris and Sehun not looking any better.

After the shock fades away, Baekhyun slowly removes his arm from Jongdae’s grasp and takes a step back. This makes Jongdae think that this is a very bad idea because Baekhyun doesn’t seem to want to even look at him if the way he’s staring at the ground is any indication.

“Is everything okay?” Kris asks calmly, looking from Jongdae to Baekhyun and back again. “Did you want something?”

“I…” Jongdae’s eyes remain on Baekhyun, whose hair is still wet from the showers, skin pale from the fluorescent lights, freckles visible and pretty and— “I just wondered… I was wondering if I could talk to you,” he manages to get out.

It takes a nudge from Kris to make Baekhyun look up and realize that Jongdae was talking to him.

“Me?” Baekhyun squeaks.

Jongdae nods. “If, if that’s okay,” he says, swallowing nervously. It amazes him how his heart can still thud so heavily in his chest. It amazes him, as it always has, the effect Baekhyun has on him.

Baekhyun glances at Kris and Sehun, who both nod, before he turns back to Jongdae. “Okay,” he finally consents.

Kris and Sehun linger for a while before finally leaving. Jongdae wonders if they think they’re going to have a brawl with the way the hesitated to leave them alone. He could never hit Baekhyun. He could never hurt him. He just can’t.

They stand in front of each other, awkward and uncertain. Baekhyun’s face is turned away from Jongdae so that he could only catch his profile. Baekhyun had boasted once that he had the perfect side profile and Jongdae had agreed then even if he was laughing the whole time. Baekhyun may not be handsome in the conventional way, but boy was he beautiful. Baekhyun lights up any room that he walks into and brings laughter to anyone he meets, which Jongdae thinks is a gift that not everyone can possess. Baekhyun is special and Jongdae wishes really, really hard that things turned out differently between them.

Jongdae clears his throat, and Baekhyun looks up at him in response. Jongdae takes a deep breath and drops his bag to the pavement. If he’s going to do this, he’s going to be more relaxed about it, as best as he can anyway.

“I just wanted to,” Jongdae starts, “say some things that I never said the—the last time we talked.” Baekhyun just looks at him, face unreadable. “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for whatever I might have said or done that hurt your feelings. I never should have done that,” he says, taking another deep breath. “You were right, it wasn’t my place. You are an adult and you’re perfectly capable of making decisions that you think are best for you.” He looks into Baekhyun’s dark eyes, which flicker with something that Jongdae can’t recognize. “I’m just really sorry. I’m sorry that we fought. I’m just sorry and I know that my apologies don’t change things, but rest assured that I’m not going to overstep my boundaries again.”

“Is that it?” Baekhyun asks after a silence. The disappointment is so clearly seen in Baekhyun’s features that Jongdae wonders what Baekhyun expected to hear.

“What else do you want me to say?” Jongdae asks.

Baekhyun shrugs. “I don’t know, he says. “I didn’t expect just that.”

“Do you want me to beg for your friendship back?” Jongdae asks tiredly. “Is that it? Because I know I’ve lost that forever and I don’t want to try for something that I know would be futile to have.”

“That’s your problem, Jongdae,” Baekhyun snaps so suddenly that Jongdae stumbles backwards in surprise. “You always think the game’s over before it’s even begun.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you so clearly want me to say?” Jongdae retorts. They aren’t supposed to fight. This was supposed to be a civil talk because Jongdae wants that for them at the very least. They’re in one team together and they should be at least able to handle being around each other.

“Stop letting people decide and do things for you,” Baekhyun replies. He takes his bag off in a huff and drops it to the ground. “You are always letting people take the lead, even for the things that are supposed to be in your hands. Like drawing—you like drawing but you let yourself think that you shouldn’t do it because your family says you should focus on architecture and swimming. What is that about?”

“Don’t talk about my family like you know what it’s like,” Jongdae retorts, words sharp.

“Let’s talk about us then,” Baekhyun gives in with a half shrug. “Tell me what you really want to tell me. Tell me what you’ve always thought. Tell me—“

“Trust me,” Jongdae interrupts. “You don’t want to hear what I really want to say.”

“Speak up, Jongdae,” Baekhyun persists. “You never speak up. You never say what you really want, which makes me wonder if you really know what you want, if you even have any inkling of what—“

“I WANT YOU!” Jongdae yells, pushing Baekhyun onto the wall. His eyes are flashing with resentment and yearning. “Is that what you want to hear? Is that it? You want to hear how much and how often I want to be with you? You want to hear how I’ve wished things were different between us? You want to hear how I’d hoped that I didn’t feel like this for you? Well here it is: I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”

Jongdae leans his forehead against Baekhyun’s shoulder for a moment, his hands resting on the wall on either side of Baekhyun’s head. He squeezes his eyes shut, breathing in and out repeatedly to calm himself down. When he pulls away, Baekhyun’s eyes are blown wide.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae says, voice softer as he steps back. What else can he say? “I didn’t—“

“You rejected me,” Baekhyun reminds him in a whisper of that moment, which until then Jongdae thought he was the only one who remembered. “You kissed me and then you told me that you didn’t want to, that you didn’t want me.”

Jongdae is in disbelief. Baekhyun remembers. “Baekhyun, you were drunk. I wasn’t about to allow anything to happen when there’s a chance you wouldn’t remember it. Besides—“

“I remember everything, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, cutting him off. But it’s not with spite. His eyes are piercing and pleading at the same time. “Every moment that we have together, I remember. Whether I like it or not, no matter how painful it is.”

Jongdae takes a deep breath and regroups in his head. He isn’t sure what’s happening, isn’t sure whether he’s assuming things again, but he plunges on. It’s now or never. Now is the time to speak up.

“Baekhyun, you were unavailable,” Jongdae starts, the reminder painfully clutching as this chest. “When we first met, you were with Kris, and then there was Sehun then there was that time when you made out with Zitao in the library.” Baekhyun’s mouth hangs open as Jongdae shakes his head as if that would shake the hurt away. “Let’s not forget about Himchan.”

“Himchan?” Baekhyun interrupts before Jongdae could continue. “What about Himchan?”

“Your latest…” Jongdae trails off, waving vaguely in the air. “I don’t know… boyfriend. Or something.”

“I’m not dating Himchan,” Baekhyun interjects so intensely that Jongdae can’t help but laugh. “I would never touch him. He’s Joonmyun’s boyfriend. I may be seen as a player but I’m definitely not a boyfriend thief.”

“But he’s always in your dorm room, and you’re always with him and—“ Jongdae is not stupid. He knows what he’s seen.

“Because Joonmyun is my roommate,” Baekhyun explains. “And all the other times you’ve seen us together or whatever, it’s all because we talk about Joonmyun. Himchan has this ridiculous thing about surprising Joonmyun every so often and he’s always getting me into his plans, even though Joonmyun never really gets surprised anymore.”

“I—but he’s—umm,” Jongdae stammers.

“They’re not very showy,” Baekhyun adds. “Joonmyun is quite strict with public displays of affection, which is why they come off across as just friends most of the time.” He sighs when Jongdae just continues frowning in confusion. “Look, Jongdae, I understand that you don’t trust me. My past clearly is something that bothers you, which is why you never told me that you—“

“It doesn’t,” Jongdae corrects him. “It’s not that. Of course I trust you, but I just… I never knew where I stood with you. We were best friends and yet… I was confused. I mean, if it wasn’t Kris, it was Sehun or Zitao or someone else and I didn’t know what to do. You would hold my hand and cuddle with me and then you would go back to them.”

“Because I didn’t know where I stood with you either!” Baekhyun exclaims. “I’m only human, Jongdae, and I need friends to comfort me when I’m sad. For the record, except for that one time with Zitao, I have never been with anyone else since I met you.”

Jongdae is still frowning, unable to comprehend Baekhyun’s words. “I don’t understand,” he voices out.

“Maybe it’s my fault, too,” Baekhyun says with a soft chuckle. “But I feel like I have clearly showed you that I wanted you.” Jongdae widens his eyes even more, disbelief thick in the way his eyebrows curve up. When has Baekhyun ever…? “Yes, Jongdae, I feel the same way,” he repeats. “But you know me, I get scared. Maybe it’s stupid, but I’ve seen way too many people in my life just walk away and leave that I didn’t want to risk that with you. So I figured, if this is what Jongdae wants, then it’s okay, we’ll just be friends. So when you never said anything, when you pushed me away that night…”

“You were drunk,” Jongdae lamely repeats for a lack of anything to say. Does this mean what he thinks he means? Does Baekhyun really…?

Baekhyun laughs. “I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t remember,” he assures him. “I even remember everything that happened on our last fight and I was drunker that time.” Jongdae flinches so visibly at the memory that Baekhyun takes a step towards him and takes his hand. “Jongdae, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“So you want me, too?” Jongdae clarifies uncertainly.

Baekhyun nods, laughing again. “Yes, Jongdae. I do.” He reaches up and cups Jongdae’s face, which heats up immediately. It almost feels too good to be true.

“But what about—what about Kris?” Jongdae asks because Baekhyun was clinging to him just now.

“Kris is with Sehun,” Baekhyun shares casually.

“I know, but what I meant was—“

“Jongdae, Kris and Sehun are dating,” Baekhyun elaborates. “They’re together. They’re a couple.” Jongdae blinks. When did that happen? “Besides, like what I said, I’ve never even so much as kissed them when I met you.”

“Because you want me.” Jongdae thinks he needs to repeat it over and over to make sure he’s right in what he’s assuming.

“Yes,” Baekhyun validates. He takes a step or two towards Jongdae and leans his forehead on his. “Because I want you.”

Like this, Jongdae feels his broken heart slowly, very slowly, start to beat normally again. Jongdae can feel Baekhyun’s breath on his lips and he feels his chest constrict in the best way possible. And when Baekhyun finally kisses him, Jongdae breathes him in and kisses him back.

This kiss is unlike the first one they shared. Where that was heated, this one is gentle, almost tentative, but more certain at the same time. Because Baekhyun is sober, because Jongdae knows that Baekhyun wants this, too. The slide of their lips makes Jongdae’s breathing hitch, and Baekhyun wraps his arms around Jongdae’s waist to pull him even closer. Their lips are both dry but with time they end up slick with each other’s saliva and Jongdae thinks there couldn’t be anything sweeter.

They’re in the pool area, in school property, but that doesn’t stop Baekhyun from pushing Jongdae to the wall this time and pushing his hands in Jongdae’s shirt. Jongdae’s stomach caves in at the contact because Baekhyun’s hands are cold but warm at the same time. He can’t believe that Baekhyun wants him. He can’t believe that—

“Wait,” Jongdae pulls away, hands on Baekhyun’s chest, positioned to push him away.

“What?” Baekhyun asks huskily and Jongdae fights the moan threatening to break from his lips.

“This isn’t—I think you didn’t understand me,” Jongdae says. He can already feel the disappointment coursing through him. His heart, seemingly pieced back together, starts cracking again. “This isn’t—I don’t want this.”

“What?” Baekhyun asks in disbelief. He pushes himself off Jongdae completely and steps back so that there are a few good inches between them. None of their body parts are touching anymore, but Baekhyun’s face is flushed, his lips swollen and red. “I thought you said that you wanted me. You clearly said that—Jongdae, don’t do this. You can’t keep on doing this.” He runs a hand through his hair and turns around to look for his bag. When he finds it, he picks it up.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae tries to stop him.

“If you can’t figure out what you want, please leave me out of it,” Baekhyun says, facing him once more. “I know I’m the one who dates around between the two of us, but I’ve never played with anyone’s feelings before. Everyone I’ve been with in any way knows what the deal is between us. So this?” He gestures between the two of them. “I don’t get this. This is cruel, Jongdae. Clearly, you don’t really want me if you keep pushing me away.”

“No, Baekhyun,” Jongdae starts, scrambling to go after Baekhyun when he starts walking away. “I do want you. I do!”

“Then what’s wrong?” Baekhyun retorts. His eyes are glassy to Jongdae’s wonder. “What’s holding you back?”

“I want you, Baekhyun,” Jongdae starts, suddenly vulnerable. He clenches and unclenches his fists. “But not in the way that you want me, not in the way that you’re thinking.”

“This is bullshit, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, shaking his head. “You can just tell me that you don’t want to be with me and that would be the end of it.” He turns around and starts walking away.

Jongdae thinks that Baekhyun walking away from him is one of the most painful things he’s ever had to go through. But if that’s what’s going to happen again then at least Jongdae knows that he’s given it all he could, that he spoke up, that he did what he could to go for what he wants.

“I’m in love with you, Baekhyun,” Jongdae calls. Baekhyun pauses in his steps. “I do want you but not just physically, not just for sex. What I meant by ‘I want you’ is that I want all of you. I want to hold your hand, I want to hug you, I want to kiss you and be able to do all those things even in public. But I also want to talk to you about my day any time and to listen to you talk about yours. I want to be able to go with you to the movies and kiss you in the cinema. I want to kiss you good luck before your events in competitions. I want to—“

“It seems all you want to do is kiss me in public.” Baekhyun is standing in front of him, having made his way back during his mini speech.

“I do,” Jongdae solemnly says. “Because I really love kissing and I want to do that with someone I’m in love with and I want to do that with you because—“

“You’re in love with me,” Baekhyun finishes for him.

Jongdae lowers his eyes. “I’m sorry, Baekhyun. I know that isn’t what you want and I understand,” he explains. “That’s why I never said anything in the first place, that’s why I never say anything because you don’t do relationships because—“

“You idiot,” Baekhyun interrupts him and Jongdae looks at him with a pout. “What do you think I’ve been trying to tell you all this time?”

“You said—“

“I’ve never been with anyone since I met you, Kim Jongdae,” Baekhyun interrupts with light laughter, his anger completely fading away. “The boy who always has a glint in his eye, the boy who smiles like the sun and cackles out a laugh as sharp as lightning, the boy who is good at anything that he does even though he thinks he’s not good enough, the boy who can be anything he wants to be as long as he decides on it, the boy who makes me want to be better, who makes me want to straighten up so I can be good enough for him, the boy who thinks he’s not worth my attention, but is actually the one whom I want to take care of me, whose attention I seek the most because I do feel the same way even if he thinks I don’t.”

Baekhyun is breathing heavily at the end of his tirade, and Jongdae is, too. Baekhyun is close enough again to reach for Jongdae, which he does. He lifts his arm and loosely wraps it around Jongdae’s neck, bringing them closer.

“And if you still didn’t get that,” Baekhyun goes on very, very softly, his eyes on Jongdae’s lips. “Yes, I’m in love with you, too, Kim Jongdae. I think I always have been.”

Jongdae kisses Baekhyun hard so suddenly that their forehead and noses bump against each other. Baekhyun laughs but Jongdae just pulls him back and kisses him again, turning his laughter into a moan.

Everytime Jongdae competes, he gets terribly nervous. He’d run through his strokes and the number of laps he has to do in his head, over and over until it’s his turn. Fear clutches at him, all his uncertainties glaring at him in the spread of the water but, as soon as the signal goes off, echoing in the arena, as he breaks into the water, all his worries dissolve. And he keeps swimming. Each stroke reminds him of a fear, but he keeps pressing on, stroke after stroke, splash after splash and, before he knows it, he’s reach the finish line. He laughs at his fears as he surfaces, his worries leaving him as he gets out of the water. There’s nothing to be afraid of, after all.

It almost feels like that with Baekhyun. The plunge into the relationship, the confession is always the scariest part, and there have been bumps and may have many more along the way, but Jongdae thinks it’s going to be okay. Because from now on, it’s him and Baekhyun. Baekhyun will be there to hold his hand, hug him and kiss him, even in public.

Jongdae thinks that is worth everything.










“I’m so tired,” Baekhyun mumbles after his event, plopping down on the empty space beside Jongdae before lying down on Jongdae’s lap and curling into him.

Baekhyun is wet and sticky from the chlorine and from being under the sun, but Jongdae wraps an arm around him and cards his fingers through Baekhyun’s tangled locks, anyway. Baekhyun hums contentedly, eyes closing on their own accord. Jongdae chuckles when Baekhyun shifts in his position and buries his face in Jongdae’s bare tummy.

Baekhyun has availed of Jongdae’s cuddles even more regularly than when they were just friends. Granted, Baekhyun gets more cuddles now because he sleeps in Jongdae’s bed more than his own, but Jongdae doesn’t really mind. He likes it that Baekhyun comes to him for warmth and comfort and doesn’t wait for Jongdae to come to him. Jongdae is more than willing to give Baekhyun anything that he might need.

“Baekhyun, coach wants you,” Kyungsoo says, slapping his butt and making Baekhyun cringe.

“Noooo,” Baekhyun whines, wrapping an arm around Jongdae’s waist in case Kyungsoo decided to pull him away. “I’m cuddling. We’re cuddling. This is cuddling time and we shouldn’t be disturbed.”

Jongdae smiles affectionately at Baekhyun before grinning at Kyungsoo, whose glare is that one of death’s. “It’s cuddling time,” he echoes.

Kyungsoo pokes Baekhyun’s sides over and over again, unforgiving. “Donghae needs to talk to you about your swim and to prep you for your next week so go over there,” he demands. “Cuddling time is over.”

Baekhyun makes a sound of refusal and just continues lying down. Jongdae watches for a couple of second as the way Baekhyun is clinging onto him before Kyungsoo nudges him rather harshly.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae starts, bending over to press a kiss on his forehead. Baekhyun’s eyes flutter open. “Coach needs to talk to you. We can cuddle for as long as you want when we get back to the dorms.”

“Promise?” Baekhyun asks, pouting so cutely that Jongdae kisses him on the lips. Kyungsoo grumbles beside him but Jongdae ignores him. Even after almost a year, Jongdae is still amazed that he can kiss Baekhyun whenever he wants and Baekhyun just lets him.

“I promise,” Jongdae says when he pulls away.

Sighing, Baekhyun sits up and slaps Kyungsoo at the back of his head before he makes his way to Donghae, who’s seated on the lower steps of the bleachers with Joonmyun. Jongdae laughs as Baekhyun’s annoyed face changes into happiness when Joonmyun starts massaging his back as Donghae talks to him.

“You two are gross, you know that right?” Kyungsoo says is so straightforwardly and so seriously that Jongdae bursts into laughter.

“I know,” Jongdae agrees. He never thought that they’d be a couple so he never even fathomed that they could be a gross couple, like Kyungsoo and Soojung and Zitao and Yuri, with runners up Kris and Sehun. Jongdae slightly shudders.

“I’m happy for you,” Kyungsoo finally says. “I mean after all the drama in your friendship, finally something went right.”

“You mean I finally did something right,” Jongdae says with a chuckle.

“Right,” Kyungsoo agrees, smiling. “It’s rewarding, isn’t it, going for what you want?”

Jongdae smiles and looks at Baekhyun, whose head is lolling to one side, completely enjoying Joonmyun’s massage, and thinks about what it took for the two of them to get to this point, the point where they’re not together, happy, healed and whole.

“It’s more rewarding if you fight for it,” Jongdae tells him, giggling because he and Baekhyun did exactly just that.










Jongdae is staring at the phone like it’s going to bite him if he goes near it, much more if he touches it. The sleek black coating is glinting at him almost tauntingly and Jongdae just wants to take a few more steps back and go outside just so he won’t have to see it again.

“Jongdae, what are you doing?” Baekhyun comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around Jongdae’s waist. He glances at the phone before pressing a kiss to Jongdae’s shoulder. “Were you staring at the phone again?”

“Of course not,” Jongdae vehemently denies, shaking his head. He starts to walk out of the room and realizes that he can’t do that because Baekhyun is holding him. “I’m just going to go outside and… do things.”

“Okay,” Baekhyun says. Jongdae feels relieved, even though he’s surprised, because normally Baekhyun would insist otherwise. “You can go out and do things after you pick up the phone and make the call.”

“Baek,” Jongdae whines, pouting soon after. He knows what picking up the phone means. It’s another one of those dives again. Even though it’s not as bad as what happened with Baekhyun or anything else that he wanted, this is also still scary to him.

Baekhyun turns Jongdae around to face him. “Babe, it’s just a phone call,” he says soothingly. “You’re not even going to ask face-to-face, just through the phone, so whatever the answer may be, the impact is less because you’re not in front of each other.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Jongdae breathes out his frustration, closing his eyes as he leans his forehead against Baekhyun’s. “I’m not sure if this is okay.” He thought he’s over all these kinds of fears, but apparently they just keep coming at you.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says, pulling away and cupping Jongdae’s face with both hands. “This is okay. This is more than okay. This is you doing what you want and trying something else, which is always good.” He chuckles at Jongdae’s worried expression and kisses his nose. “Why are you so worried? You already know what you’re going to hear and it won’t be the first time. It’s just an invitation.”

“I don’t even know if I’m going to win,” Jongdae continues whining. “I shouldn’t have joined, I’m not even that good—“

“Jongdae, baby,” Baekhyun laughs, giving him a kiss on the lips before continuing. Jongdae contemplates whining again just so Baekhyun would give him another kiss. “It doesn’t matter. It’s something to be proud of no matter what.” He pulls away from Jongdae and picks up the cordless phone, handing it to him. “Just call.”

“Give me another kiss? Jongdae asks. “For luck?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and Jongdae grins with glee when Baekhyun grabs his neck and pulls Jongdae towards him. Baekhyun doesn’t give him a kiss. Baekhyun gives him a full on make-out session that has Jongdae panting and maybe wanting to rip Baekhyun’s clothes off. But before he could, Baekhyun is pushing him away and giving the phone back to him.

“Really? You’re going to let me make the call after you’ve just taken advantage of me like that?” Jongdae blurts out. “I’m…” He gestures to the tent in his pants. “I can’t possibly make this call.”

“Yes you will make this call,” Baekhyun says otherwise. “Because if you don’t, then you will have to solve that tiny problem all by yourself.” He smirks and Jongdae flushes.

“Big problem,” Jongdae corrects him, pouting again as he starts dialing. “Very big problem.”

“Okay, big boy,” Baekhyun snickers. “Just go make the call.”

Jongdae takes a very deep breath that has Baekhyun laughing again as he places the receiver to his ear, holding his breath as it starts ringing.

“Hello, mom,” Jongdae squeaks, poking his tongue out at Baekhyun, who laughs at him, yet again. Jongdae’s mom greets him happily as she always does when he calls. “I was just—I’m fine. Yeah, nothing’s wrong. I just thought I’d call—yeah, Baekhyun’s here.” He covers the mouthpiece and rolls his eyes at Baekhyun. “My mother says hi,” he says. Sometimes Jongdae thinks his mother likes Baekhyun more than he does Jongdae.

“Hi auntie!” Baekhyun greets cheerfully before shoving the phone back to Jongdae.

“Um yeah, I called because there’s this competition,” Jongdae starts, panicking internally. “It’s not for swimming, though. It’s for something else.” He pauses, thinking about all the possible ways this could go wrong, and he pauses for such a long time that Baekhyun has to kick him to start speaking again. “It’s for an art contest,” he blurts out.

Jongdae had started drawing more seriously after he and Baekhyun got together. He took to heart what everyone who cared about him said, that he should do everything that he wants to do, everything that makes him happy. (Of course the best thing that he’s done is Baekhyun so, that alone, makes him incredibly happy.) He started taking a couple of classes here and there, as long as it didn’t interfere with his academics and his time for swimming. Those are two things that he loves, too, and he’s not going to compromise any of his dreams for each other.

His mother is silent for a couple of seconds on the other line before she’s gushing about it. “The awarding is this weekend and I wanted you to be there,” Jongdae continues. “In case I win, which I probably won’t but—“

When Jongdae’s mother promises that she would be there, Jongdae puts the phone down and sweeps Baekhyun off his feet, literally. He carries Baekhyun bridal style and drops him on the bed before climbing on top of him. Baekhyun looks so beautiful with his dark hair messily spread out on the white pillowcase, eyes as small as slits as he laughs like a maniac at Jongdae’s display of chivalry and sexiness.

“Well, I’m taking that went well,” Baekhyun says breathlessly, encircling his arms around Jongdae’s neck to pull him down.

“She’s going to be there,” Jongdae tells him, grinning before pecking Baekhyun on the lips.

“I’m so proud of you,” Baekhyun says, leaning up to kiss him again.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Jongdae sincerely states. He really couldn’t have. Baekhyun had held his hand literally and figuratively the moment they expressed their interest and extraordinary warmth for each other. Baekhyun never forgot to tell him how wonderful he is everyday, so often that Jongdae’s started to really feel that he could go for anything he sets his heart to.

“Yes, you could have,” Baekhyun says, sounding very sure that Jongdae’s heart blooms with so much love, which Jongdae sometimes doesn’t know how to handle. “You’re just that good.”

“It’s amazing how cocky you are about me,” Jongdae says, leaning his weight on his forearms so he can be closer to Baekhyun without crushing him. “You boast about me way more than I would boast about myself.”

“I don’t know about that,” Baekhyun murmurs through Jongdae’s lips as she pulls him even closer, any space between them disappearing when Jongdae falls completely on top of him. “But I can say that I am cocky about you. In fact I’m cocky for you.” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down and laughs when Jongdae feigns revulsion at him.

“I’d rather you told me you loved me rather than just wanting me for my body,” Jongdae sighs in mock resignation. “I mean I already know how hot I am. You don’t really have to remind me about it,” he adds jokingly because as much as he does love Baekhyun he doesn’t want to hear Baekhyun calling him a—

“Sap! You’re a sap!” Baekhyun pushes Jongdae and tackles him onto his back. “You are the only boy who has ever wanted me to tell them I love them more than they want me to worship their dick.”

Jongdae sits up so hurriedly that Baekhyun yelps as he falls to the side. “You mean there were other guys whom you’ve wanted to be in love with you? Who—?”

“Shut up,” Baekhyun demands good-naturedly, pushing him back down and regaining his position on top of him. “Of course there were others. I want to be loved, too,” he honestly tells him. “But you are the only one I’ve ever wanted to stay.”

Jongdae lifts his head up and kisses Baekhyun’s nose, which Baekhyun scrunches. “I will love you—“

Baekhyun groans. “Oh no, you’re going to be all mushy again,” he says, burying his face in Jongdae’s neck as Jongdae ignores him and continues.

“I will love you,” Jongdae repeats, wrapping his arms tightly around Baekhyun, “for as long as you want me around.”

“We’re only in our junior year,” Baekhyun reminds him, the movement of his lips tickling Jongdae’s neck.

“Well then, we have a long way to go,” Jongdae proudly declares. “That is, if you want it.”

Baekhyun lifts his head up and Jongdae is amazed, as he continually is, to find the adoration he has for Jongdae in his eyes. It will never cease to amaze him because Baekhyun is everything he’s wanted and it’s a miracle when someone that you love loves you back.

“Of course I want it, you idiot,” Baekhyun whispers before leaning down to kiss him. “You broke my heart, you know, so I’m really not sure why I would even think about forever with you when you could do it again.”

“Well you broke my heart, too,” Jongdae says, poking his tongue out, which he retracts when Baekhyun attempts to bite it. “So we’re even.” He grins and runs his fingers through Baekhyun’s hair. “And I won’t do it again. I’ll do my best not to break your heart again.”

“I promise to do the same,” Baekhyun says and then lets out a horrified shriek. He buries his face back in Jongdae’s neck. “Oh my god you’ve turned me into you! I have become sappy! I am not sappy!” He lifts his head again. “We are not getting married right after college or any time before that just so you know, so you better hold it in until after a couple of years when we’re settled and living in a white house with blue shutters and—“ He cuts himself off when Jongdae starts laugh. “I hate you so much, Kim Jongdae. I hate you for turning me into you.”

Jongdae had thought that have dreams, having all of them at the same time, was impossible. It drove him to struggle with his academics and with his sport and with the other relationships that he has in his life. Now, he knows it’s all possible. Because, this life, the one he is currently living, is everything he could have hoped for. He’s doing well in his academics, acing his classes, a medalist in swimming, improving his drawing, and he has Baekhyun beside him. There are more things he would probably want in the future. But right now, he is content and happy.

The dive before the start of the event is the scariest part. But once you jump, the rest is history.





End.

Comments

[jyusou.livejournal.com]

I'm going to keep this short because yeah I'm probably going to mess up my train of thought if I go on for longer than a few paragraphs...but I just wanted to let you know that this fic inspired me to take up swimming again after giving it up in middle school against my will. And since then I have been going to the pool consistently for the past month and a half or so. So more than anything, thank you for writing and sharing this and giving me inspiration to pick up my favourite sport get fit and healthier again ^v^.

On a more fic related note, I really love how relatable this fic is, and the characterization of Baekhyun and Jongdae in here. Especially Jongdae, and his struggles; they're so real and I related to them so much it made me emotional at times, especially when his mother asked him if swimming and architecture is what he really wants to be doing. Topics about your path in life and your future can be so daunting sometimes and you can feel so alone in figuring them out, and I'm so happy that I've found a fic that illustrates this challenge so well!

[(Anonymous)]

This was beautiful. I don't think I'll ever be able to stress on how wonderful this story was. I was hooked! I kept waiting to see when Jongdae would realise it. Realise everything from swimming to art to Baekhyun. His character development is complex and so close to real life. I love how everything is close to real life.

I'm in love with BaekChen thanks to you. I'm in love with your writing. Words are not enough for my admiration.

[(Anonymous)]

I read this a few weeks ago, but either I couldn't comment or I forgot to. So, it's been some time, but not so long that i can't tell you how many feels i had from this fic. just SO MANY FEELs. it was such a great long read, and the intense feelings were always keeping me anxious and ready to read the next part, and Chanyeol's character was the bomb at being a best friend, and bless Myungsoo, srsly, and Minho too at that, and I love how quickly the guys too him in, at both Baek's school and Minho's and gahh this is all coming from memory so I hope it makes sense ahahhaha

it was just so great that all can do is blahhhh all my feelings into an ehhhhh comment. Good job~~~~

[(Anonymous)]

Firstly, thank you for writing this fic. I'm kind of in a time where I am Jongdae and we share almost the same problems. I think I can sympathize with almost all of his problems in this fic. But after reading this beautiful piece, I feel like I have more of an idea of what to do now. This story brought me to tears too many times to count. Sometimes because of Jondae and Baek's relationship, but mostly of a connection between mine and Jongdae's problems. I honestly have never felt such similarity between myself and a fictional character. Anyway, enough of all that. I just wanted to thank you and say that this is wonderful and amazing and all the good words in the world. Great job, author.

[(Anonymous)]

this fic is just so amazing. i have no words i just squeaked and squealed all by myself in the middle of the night. this is a work of art. the way you develop the characters is just so realistic i can't stop reading this. this would surely be on my bookmark list. i won't definitely hesitate to read this over and over again. thank you for writing this. i thank the heavens i stumbled over this in the chen tags. i love you author-nim!! /gives you lots of love and hugs and kisses/

[(Anonymous)]

Wow! Literally all I could think of when I finished was "that was so good!" These stories about people who learn to step out of their sphere and reach for their real dreams always inspire me. Another fantastic work from you, as always! :D

[chocolaiit.livejournal.com]

i can't even... omg what to even... how to even.. ugh!!! this is just so gooood.. too much angst is too good for my heart.. i cried at the whole part 2 of this fic sob.. thanks for writing this authornim!!

[(Anonymous)]

woa woa woa! i'm speechless right now but really i really cant just leave without even saying anything after reading this beautiful fiction i've ever read.
Firstly thank you so much for choosing baekchen as the main pairing. It's baekchen that lead me to find this fic.
Oh really this story is such a masterpiece. Well written, oh how I love your writing style. Great storyline.. you made sense of all the settings and using them to send story's messages wonderfully, like relating swimming and such with all conflicts in the story. All of them had correlation. This is not like other romance story. This is beautiful and smart on the same time. All of the feelings are in the right proportion. Eventhough this story is so long like a road, I could enjoy reading word after word, not get bored even a bit. And the feelings.. I get all the emotions verry well, mostly in Jondae's position of course.
last.. I really envy your writing skill. This gives me courage to be able writing a story like this.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this!

[(Anonymous)]

omg cries this was the most beautiful BaekChen fic I've read definitely bookmarked this to read again and again
and Jongdae interpreting flirty!Baek ofc and how did you know swimming!au is my favourite you are perfection
The ending confession hit me so hard right in the feels !!! also when they were split up and how much Jongdae missed Baek and every time Jongdae hurt really gahhhhhh I'm dying 'Jongdae thinks that Baekhyun walking away from him is one of the most painful things he’s ever had to go through' NOOO
You described everything so well, and failing classes to represent uni is indeed hard work, but there's always a way back and be optimistic!
pls write more BaekChen this year they are just too sassy but tbh I'd read anything you write! they are climbing their way to the top of my otps and I just can't

This turned out to be a mess of a comment but I just wanted to thank you so much for writing this <3 <3

loved this!

[kira9018.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the great characterization of the subjects in the story (especially Jongdae), I couldn't contain my feelings that I end up bursting into tears because how similar and real the struggle he had with mine (mostly on the future path thingy). Every single struggle he faced made me cried though it seemed Jongdae could do well, far more better, yet a small part of me wanted him to realize maybe swimming and architecture aren't his thing and drawing would off better for him.
And the idea stuck in his head like a firmed bullet that settled at the back of his mind completely awed me because then he never regretted anything just because he didn't have the passion like Chanyeol's, Baekhyun's did. At different part of scenario, I admired Jongdae as he survived everything being thrown at him (the intense moment was the part he needed to withdraw from the team due to academic misfit). The conversation he had with his mother was endearing, and I felt so much emotions surged within me; I practically bawled my eyes out. And the event followed after that (the fight he had with Baekhyun) threw me off guard, because it hurt yet Jongdae thought this is normal with Baekhyun's. Hence, I ended up crying for him. And I cried so many angry tears because Jongdae's situation though slightly better, yet Baekhyun didn't make it easy for him, it hurt so much I couldn't held myself back. And I'm glad Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were by his side. At one point, I had to stop reading so that I could collect myself before picking off where I left.
I know I sympatized with Baekhyun, too due to his past but it wasn't easy because I couldn't understand on how am I supposed to understand him. He made me feel conflicted though he helped Jongdae at the beginning of the fic.
I'm so glad that it was all misunderstanding but yeah I'm going to stick with Jongdae's all the time. He was by far the winner and am pleased that his determination worth every single time it happened (part where he knew Baekhyun didn't do relationship and he valued that sacred friendship, didn't overstep the borderline) - he was amazing like that.

By all means, this is one great brilliant plot Ive ever read, and thanks for the excellent story!

[(Anonymous)]

This really.... inspired me, and made me actually really sad. I kinda wish they didn't get together at the end (I probably sound like a monster for saying that) but we get he realism that happy endings don't happen, not all the time, and I feel like they shouldn't have gotten it. I really do feel like Jongdae should've found his happiness in someone else (though yes, he is a thousand times happier with Baekhyun) and Baekhyun the same.

This is really sad to me, because lately, I've been letting BaekChen go. Taboo, right? They just haven't been my spark of interest, and I noticed me being happier when Jongdae was with Myungsoo, or thinking maybe him and Minho could've worked, and hell, I spasmed when Baekhyun talked to Taeyeon (i love baekyeon !!!11!!!1!!). BaekChen was my OTP for a long time, and I almost cried because I really do feel like I'm losing interest in them, something I didn't really want to do. Your fanfic was amazing, very realistic, and it's definitely going into my list of favourites, but if THIS wasn't enough to get me back, I don't think anything ever will. And I think I'll just have to accept that.

Thanks for opening a box I really didn't want to open ;-; Love You!

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly this was a beautiful piece of literature. There is no book out there that has captured me as much as this beautiful story. You portrayed the characters and their struggles very well and realistically.Especially Jongdae's character which had me pull my hair out at some points, but then again his insecurities and fears were very understandable and reliable.

Your stories always seem to teach me things, for example that it's okay to want something, to not always put yourself second and to reach out/speak up even if there is a chance of rejection. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions and yet I enjoyed reading this enormously (even though I was supposed to work on my thesis, I basically read this one go last night, oh well WORTH IT)

So thank you for writing this <3

[(Anonymous)]

I have had this bookmarked for lord knows how long and I'm shooting myself in the foot for not reading it sooner. This was amazing. the build was amazing, how you wrote each set of emotions was amazing. Ugh. I can't think of proper words. Thank you so sharing.

maybe you'll let me borrow your heart

[(Anonymous)]

this fic was beautiful, in its deepest meaning. Jongdae's struggles are so relatable. I cried because i was so touched by the pains he goes through to find happiness, to find a goal, something he loves to do and pursue it. it's really relatable. you're a great writer because you described it so well without sacrificing the plot and how smoothly you developped it.
thank you for sharing this story.

[jonginbabysoo]

okay so I've read this fic few years ago and it was my first baekchen fic which i fell in love with instantly, it's actually one of my favorites and i keep rereading it whenever i miss them idk this fic just gives me so much feelings!
p.s. I was wondering do you give permission for translating you work?❤❤❤❤ ):